


Broken Hallelujahs

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ableist Language, Accidental Death, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cheating, Closeted Character, F/M, Fear, Fugitives, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lies, M/M, Mental Instability, Moral Dilemmas, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2019-11-05 16:38:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 107,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17922458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: Neither Raito nor Near's victory went as planned. Now the task force and the SPK are on the run with Kira's notebook, and all the power of the new world against them.





	1. Flight

Up until now, Raito was sure he was awake. He could smell the over-washed sheets of the hospital bed, and hear bleeping, and voices and the words made sense (but not too much sense, not enough to actually be his own thoughts speaking to him). And the _pain._ He'd always thought he had quite a high pain threshold - but torn ligaments in an over-intense tennis game, Sayu accidentally slamming his fingers in the door, even Ryuzaki's foot in his face, none of them had been like _this_ \- constant presence, this awareness that this is what pain really is, in its purest form - 

It is still there, crawling through his fingers and up his wrist, but he suspects he may have passed out, because even though he has his eyes closed, L is standing by the bed, stooped over him, long white finger to mouth. Raito sets his teeth so that L can't see how much he hurts, and tries to snap _What do you want?_ He gets the words out, but his voice shakes.

 _This isn't how I expected things to turn out,_ Ryuzaki answers, or perhaps has already answered. _I thought that Near and Mello would be able to bring things to a close._

Raito tries to make himself smile, but the pain is like a whip cracking against his face. _Why? They were inferior to you. It was boring without you, Ryuzaki. What did you think was going to happen?_

A shrug. _I thought that things would end either with you defeated, your allies neutralised, and the notebook out of your possession - or the deaths of everyone who knew of it and knew that you are Kira. It seems to me, Raito-kun, that things are as much out of your control as mine now._

 _You're dead. I'm just_ \- he can't say _hurt_ , tears block the back of his throat. _I'll be in perfect control as soon as that's -_

_Really?_ L scrambles onto the bed, sinks into a crouch - Raito notes that he can't feel anyone's heels pressing against his legs. _Allow me to list the finer points of my conclusion._

_If you must._ Raito would yell at him to shut up if that wouldn't make it obvious how much agony he's in.

 _Mello kidnaps Kiyomi Takada_ , L says, and as he bites on his thumb Raito closes his eyes and the shrieks of the crowd, the bullet-ridden red car, and the silence of his phone rise up around him. He was stupid to trust Takada. Oh, she'd had a piece of the notebook on her, but - _Mello found it,_ she whimpers, her big eyes locked on his, her hand clutching his shirt sleeve. _I tried to convince him I was too embarrassed to - to strip in front of him, but that **bastard** -_ swearing just to convince him how traumatic this was for her, how much her dignity and her pride were wronged - _made me do it anyway._ There was a fight. Takada makes it sound as if she bravely held Mello off for long enough to destroy the paper - _I couldn't let him get hold of it - I knew what he'd do to you_ \- but Raito doubts it was anything worth praising. If the stupid bitch had had her wits about her she would have _written down the name -_

 _And then none of this would have happened,_ L says, conversationally. _Although Takada-san did try to take control of the vehicle -_

_Crashed the damn thing -_

_Set fire to it to make sure Mello was dead._ A smile. _You don't seem very grateful to her._

_Because she was **stupid!** _

_I think that she saved your life, Raito-kun._

Another day. Rain, the cars ssshing through puddles. That damn warehouse, damp concrete. Raito can see all of his enemies standing there in the dim light, waiting, and he wants to scream with the urge to sit up and choke the life out of all of them with his bare hands. Mikami's white, sickly face as he learnt the truth, how his caution and care to pre-empt his god's will had doomed them both. _I told him to make no unnecessary moves! Takada hadn't even confirmed the death of her kidnapper! What the hell was he thinking?_

 _He knows what he did,_ L says. _That's why he tried to suicide. A pen to the throat... very appropriate for someone acting as Kira, don't you think?_ Raito ignores the jibe, remembers the gargling scream from behind him, the voices yelling Mikami's name. At least Mikami is aware of his failure. _At least he tried to atone. Takada will never admit she's less than perfect. All she ever thinks about is herself and her image._

Ryuzaki doesn't answer this time. Raito's willing to bet he knows why. It didn't _all_ go L's way. Mikami ruined everything, but then for once Takada's interference worked in Raito's favour. 

_A little late to prevent Matsuda-san taking matters into his own hands, though, wasn't it?_ L says, and Raito can _feel_ it, the bullet smacking the pen out of his grip and then - the pain hadn't gone away, that was it, it had spread over his hand, red and sticky and - Raito was patient, he tried to reason with the idiot, tried to explain whose side he should be on - and then - 

_I think that she saved your life,_ L says again, but his voice is fainter now, as if Raito is listening to him through water. Trust Ryuzaki to wander off just when he's most needed. He probably _knows_ \- how when Matsuda stared Raito in the face, when he saw that Raito wasn't going to be put off doing what was right, he started firing the gun again, blindly, but even as he did, other shots tore through the building because Takada had sent her lackeys, those men in black suits and sunglasses, to keep watch on the warehouse. As if Kira needed a bodyguard, a _babysitter._ And Raito fled, bleeding, from the building to her car, and she looked at him like she wanted his _gratitude,_ and everything hurt - 

_I told her not to interfere!_

_But she didn't listen, did she,_ L says, shifting a little to maintain his crouch. _Interesting._

The only useful thing to arise from the whole enterprise was that they gunned down Near. Raito knows. He looked back as he ran out of the door and saw the white figure already lying in a pool of blood, the red-spattered mask next to him. Perhaps that's why L has turned away from him. Perhaps that will make him stop talking.

But just as he thinks that, his predecessor's voice, right by his ear, says, _people are beginning to act unpredictably, Raito-kun. I wonder how much the new world will have changed by the time you wake up._ The water is very deep now. Raito tries to fight it, but it drags him down to the depths, and he leaves L and the pain on the surface.

***

The sun's set. Matsuda feels like he's been waiting for it to do so for hours. Ever since they walked out of that warehouse he's been wanting nothing more for this day to be over. To wake up tomorrow and find that things _don't look so bad._

He's sitting on one of the couches in the headquarters, watching NHN. For once, watching TV is actually what he's meant to be doing. Mogi and Aizawa have gone out, taken the notebook with them, said they're going to hide it and then one of them will talk to Misa-Misa, get her to stay at the hotel and (somehow) not talk to Raito if he tries to contact her. Ide's at Sachiko Yagami's house, probably not saying much at all because what can he tell her? And Matsuda can't remember where the SPK are, except that the younger guy, the one who made the fake notebook, went off to hospital with Mikami. 

There's nothing on NHN: no special broadcasts, no mention of Takada. Just some documentary. Matsuda switches channels, just because he can, but it doesn't feel like getting away with anything, it doesn't feel like much at all. It's more that he wishes he could find something engrossing enough - or simply loud enough - to block out all the memories he keeps going back over. 

Afterwards, he was the one who said _we should just burn the notebooks._ At that point his voice had been so hoarse he'd been surprised anyone could hear him, and he'd been praying no one would ask him to justify himself because there wasn't any _logic_ , there wasn't any _plan,_ it was just that if he didn't get the two black shapes out of his sight he'd end up ripping them to bits himself. 

But the others had been happy with it. The woman, Lidner, had taken a book of matches from her pocket (the box had a bloody thumbprint on it - _Near brought them with him,_ she'd said) and they burnt one of the notebooks and it went up so quickly, blink and you'd miss it, that Matsuda could pretend it had never been there at all. 

And then the third SPK member, the one at the hospital, had called them to report that at that exact second, Mikami had seemed to forget the reasons he was in hospital. What had led up to it. What he'd been doing at Yellow Box. And they'd realised what burning the second notebook would mean. 

Matsuda feels a sick, nasty tightness in his chest and for one horrible moment he thinks he might actually start crying. He turns away from the TV, stares fiercely at the sky - there's just a trace of the earlier glorious sunset in one corner, like someone started painting and got bored - and for god's sake, it's _over,_ Raito is Kira and that's all there is to it, Matsuda stopped him when he tried to kill Near and then Raito didn't _listen_ , just looked at Matsuda like Matsuda was the terrible one and then acted like he wasn't even there - 

No one's discussed that part. The part where Matsuda loosed off one shot and then another, sending Raito stumbling and screaming, and knows full well he would have put a bullet through Raito's skull if Takada's guys hadn't interrupted. It's like everyone thinks it's too awful even to mention it. He wants to start explaining, to say _you know, about that, I just panicked, I wasn't just going to - to shoot him down in cold blood, I was trying to stop him, that's all -_

But it's not true. He knows how in his head his thoughts were just _kill him kill him like he deserves **I hate him.**_ And no matter what he does he won't be able to change that part.

He wasn't going to think about it, anyway. He was thinking about how if they'd burnt the notebook, Raito would've stopped being Kira. Probably would have been even more devastated than Matsuda is right now when they explained. He'd be so - so _sorry_ , and Matsuda would be able to say _yeah, I know, it's awful - I was so mad with you I tried to kill you_ and Raito would understand because he'd be just as shocked -

But they wouldn't do it. 

_Takada won't care whether he can remember or not, right?_ Ide, scowling. _She'll want to keep him safe because she's in love with him or whatever. If he forgets he was Kira, she'll use that, she'll present him as an innocent victim. With him acting like he was a few hours ago, that might've been tricky, but with him genuinely positive he didn't do anything? We'll be the ones who end up arrested._

 _Burning it would destroy Kira completely._ That was Mogi, but he didn't sound regretful. Just thoughtful. And Ide only said _No, it means he gets away with it_ and Mogi didn't say anything else, so he couldn't have been that concerned really.

And then the SPK. The older guy. _A hell of a lot of people have died for us to get this far. Yagami even tried to - to talk Near into letting him go free, right? I don't see why we need to give him what he wants._

And finally Lidner, cool and collected as always when Matsuda felt he'd never be able to collect himself again. _I agree. We can burn that thing when he's in custody._

And that was that. Aizawa was the one who decided they shouldn't hide the notebook in the headquarters - _Raito set this up, we have no idea what kind of failsafes he included_ \- and then they all went off to get stuff done. Matsuda kind of wants to resent them for assuming he should be the one to stay and watch NHN. He wants to be angry that they think he's an idiot. But - and this is actually scaring him - he can't feel it. Every time he tries to start getting mad, it just runs into this wall of numbness and the sensible part of his brain pointing out that he _did_ act like an idiot, that he practically killed someone because he couldn't keep his temper. 

He flicks the channel back to NHN. Still nothing.

Maybe there won't be anything here at all. Maybe Raito and Takada will just use the small piece Raito was trying to put Near's name on. Matsuda can't even claim that his actions were to save a life, not when Near's died anyway. If he'd been keeping a cool head, he could have returned fire when Takada's bodyguards broke in. At least stopped Raito running away. As it is, Raito did run away and he has that tiny piece of paper and maybe they'll all just suddenly drop dead, right now, him on his own in the darkened room. Another reason why Aizawa wanted to hide the notebook somewhere else. _He's got to have considered we might take that step. If we then all die, he's got no way of locating the damn thing. It will buy us time, slow him down._

Matsuda would much rather be out on some anonymous motorway or hospital, or waiting in the Teito Hotel foyer, than sitting here in the shadows in this room which has always before had Raito in it, or Raito's voice, has always been full of bright lights and a sense that this time they're really getting close, this time they might actually pull this off. He is thinking and he doesn't want to think, thinking doesn't get you anywhere, he should have known Raito was Kira, he should have guessed, anyone smart would have guessed -

\- and then he should have just been all _you're under arrest, back down, it's over,_ he shouldn't have acted like - like he couldn't deal with it being true -

The door slams, and he swallows and looks round to see Aizawa, who mutters about why hasn't he put any lights on. Matsuda wants to answer, to say something like _guess I forgot, you know what I'm like with TV,_ but everything's stuck in his throat again. Something about Aizawa walking back in and being grouchy just like he always is, and the lights flickering on and turning the sky outside flat black, and everything being just like this yesterday and Raito looking at them all and thinking that soon they would all be dead. Matsuda _knows_ why Raito wants him dead but it still feels like he doesn't get it, like someone hates him and he has no idea why. Like there's been a _mistake_.

He looks back at the TV, and Kiyomi Takada is watching him. 

He doesn't think he speaks - he doesn't think he can remember how to - but all at once Aizawa is right next to him, leaning over the back of the couch, and they're both listening as she stares out at them - not angry, just disappointed - and starts to speak.

_"Lord Kira has been attacked by seven of those who rebelled against his rule. He is deeply sorrowful at this crime, and he will do no more judging until the seven have been brought to him - alive - and made to pay for their sins and return what they took from him._

_"Kira's loyal supporters can assist by doing all in their power to track down the perpetrators. They are currently believed to be located in the Kanto Prefecture, possibly in Tokyo. Three of them are Americans - including Hal Lidner, formerly one of my bodyguards - and four are Japanese and used to work for the National Police Agency. Kira is saddened by the NPA's betrayal of his ideals, and hopes that this was a few disturbed individuals rather than a symptom of problems with the organisation as a whole. Kira would not wish to have to punish the many for the deeds of a few._

_"I will now read the names of the sinners. If you know of their whereabouts, please call the number appearing on your screens now."_

And then she does. She just starts reading their names. 

It's like another publicity stunt, like something Sakura TV would do, except that she's just - she's just saying this all on national TV and - _no photos_ , he thinks, _that's good, right?_ Because they'd destroyed all the photos of themselves and - even if Raito has some, then he probably can't give them to NHN yet - he's probably too badly hurt - 

"Matsuda!" Aizawa is snapping at him. "Come on - Raito knows where this place is, we need to get going -"

Matsuda stands up and then he's not sure what he's meant to be doing. What - come on, it's not like they can just be arrested by NHN, it's a _TV station,_ you can't just - 

"They're not police," he hears himself say, slowly and stupidly, and Aizawa kicks whatever else he was going to say right over: "Do you think that will matter if they find us? You know how many of them there are. And she said that stuff about the NPA on purpose, so that they won't interfere - quick, call Mogi and tell him to meet us -"

"Where?"

"Hell, I don't - all right, say by the old headquarters, the place Ryuzaki built - I'll call Ide -"

Matsuda pulls out his phone, tries to remember how to use it. Takada's still speaking. _"If any of the thieves are watching this broadcast, I would urge them to give themselves up -"_

"Hey," he says, "listen -"

_"Kira will find them wherever they go. If they return what they've stolen and present themselves to NHN for judgement, he may be inclined to be merciful."_

"What the hell is the point of that?" Aizawa snaps. "Of course she'd offer mercy, she and Raito would love it if we actually bought into something that stupid. Stop sitting there staring at the TV and call Mogi!"

Matsuda feels like he's been kicked, but he bites at his lip and starts focusing on making the call, on explaining to Mogi what's happened, on collecting up stuff like razors and toothbrushes and changes of clothes that they happened to have here. _Don't be so stupid. He's right, they'd just kill you once they had the notebook back._ This is how everything _is_ now. Raito is Kira and always was and Matsuda is his enemy. You can't change it. But he wishes he could.

***

Aizawa's trying to think sensibly, trying to work out where the hell he can go, what Takada's next move might be, but as he waits for Ide to answer the phone his thoughts are stuck. They should have seen this coming. Raito wants them dead. Raito has always wanted them dead. It's just they thought he'd recognise he'd lost the game. They'd bought into the mindset that this was a game at all. Or at least that there were rules in it, a clearly defined sphere of play. _I should have done something - I should have planned ahead -_

Ide's voice, suddenly. He at least doesn't waste time with stupid questions. When the situation's been explained, there's just a sharp indrawn breath and then, "Do you have time to delete the data files?"

Matsuda, on the phone to Mogi, has hurried over to the window, is looking out. "I... I can't see anyone yet -"

"I'll try," Aizawa says.

"Don't risk it if they show up. Want me to call your wife for you?"

Eriko. Eriko and the girls.

Raito wouldn't - he wouldn't _dare_ -

 _Of course he would, he's killed millions already, what the hell has he got to lose?_ And he sees it, just for a second, then, how far the bastard might go, what he might do, and he actually thinks _she just said - she could be merciful - if it came down to it, I could -_

He can't. He _can't -_

"No," he says, "I'll do it," and hangs up. 

He acts on autopilot for a bit, erasing the task force's data (not that that would stop Raito, who implemented most of these emergency procedures) and directing Matsuda, and then they're locking the door behind them and hurrying down to the car and Aizawa snaps at Matsuda to drive and finally, as they're hurrying through the darkened streets, lights rushing over them, finally he can call home. He'll have to get rid of his phone, they all will, but - he must have time for this at least - Raito can't yet be in any state to do anything and Takada... hopefully Takada won't think of it, or won't have the resources for it - not immediately, at least...

Eriko sounds tired when she answers, and then he wishes he hadn't noticed that. Right now he really doesn't want to think about her as a _person_ , someone whose life is being invaded by the fucking Kira case despite all his best efforts. He needs to work on the basis that as long as Raito can't find her, she'll suffer no ill-effects at all.

"It's me," he says, flatly. "Listen. Take the girls and go somewhere else. Your mother's or something."

"What?"

"Kiyomi Takada just announced me as an enemy of Kira on live TV, all right? There wasn't a photo but I'm sure some of the neighbours will recognise my name and I want you out of the prefecture as soon as possible."

Eriko draws a shaky breath, and then says, "If - then why aren't you just - just dead?"

"Because - it's a long story. Some stuff's happened. I don't want you to know -"

"For god's sake -"

"No, don't even start! The more you know the more danger you'll be in, so just get out of the city. I mean it, Eriko!"

"Where - where will you be?"

"I don't know. Look, I'll have to get rid of my phone, you can trace... I'll try... I'll try and let you know... just go stay with someone and keep your head down. Okay? The girls - tell the school that -"

"I - I'll think of something," she says. "So you're just - listen, if - if you can call - I don't know, a - a payphone or something -"

"I know." Matsuda is glancing at him and they're almost at their destination but he says it anyway, sounding more as though he's angry than anything else, "I love you." And then he rings off because he doesn't want to hear her say it back.

"Do - do we get out?" Matsuda says. 

"No. Just wait, Ide and Mogi shouldn't be too long."

The old headquarters, empty and dark at the moment, towers over them, filling the car with shadow. It was sold on and sold on and Aizawa, in his more ridiculous moments, has wondered whether it still carries a sense of the deaths, of the notebooks and of shinigami and too few people to fill it. Right now, though, he's just glad there won't be any office workers to look out or pass them on the streets, and that it is useless to him and the others except as a meeting place so perhaps Raito won't think to look there. There are more sensible places to begin searching, like their current headquarters, like their _homes_ \- perhaps Takada's sent the bodyguards there already, before she made the announcement even -

Matsuda breathes out, slowly, and grips the steering wheel tighter. 

"They... they just want the notebooks back, right?" he says at last. "Taki said..." 

"Like hell they do. Raito wanted us dead to begin with, us and the SPK. The only reason Takada said she wanted us found alive was so he can get the notebooks off us easily. He doesn't know what we've done with them - if someone else kills us he could easily lose track of the damn things completely." He still sounds furious and he _is_ furious, why the hell didn't this occur to him earlier? Why did he think Raito was going to remain in the role of the fugitive when entire countries are pledging allegiance to Kira? They could have anticipated this, could have done something, he could have warned Eriko from the beginning and made plans, meeting points - but he was too caught up in the old mindset, Near's mindset, that once Kira confessed that would be it -

"But they won't... your family don't know anything about the notebooks," Matsuda says, quietly. "They wouldn't..."

"Don't be stupid. If you don't think Raito's not going to use every opportunity he has to get the damn things back -"

"I know that! I just meant other people won't hurt them, they wouldn't need -"

"There's always some lunatic out there who thinks he's being righteously angry. Stop being so naive, why can't you?" Aizawa realises his voice is rising and he's losing his temper with Matsuda even more than he normally does, but screw that, where the hell does anyone get off telling him he doesn't need to be concerned?

Matsuda's shoulders tense, but he doesn't say anything else. Aizawa focuses on the thoughts which say _well, good, gives me a break_ and ignores all the others. Stares out at the street, at the slice of sky between two buildings, and then breathes a sigh of relief as he spots Ide coming round the corner. 

"Did you talk to his mother?" he asks as Ide climbs into the back seat.

"Yeah."

"And?"

Ide shrugs. "Told her that he'd been hurt and he needed to answer some questions. I didn't know how to put it. If I told her everything, she might confront him, and then he'd probably -"

"Yeah, okay." Aizawa doesn't want to think about Sachiko Yagami finding out her son is Kira. He'd visited her, once, after the Chief had died, to give condolences, to tell her it would (what?) be all right, that they'd catch the man who did it, except that he wasn't sure by then who was really to blame or whether they'd even come close to tracking him down. She'd been shut down, quiet, showing the bare minimum of politeness. She'd blamed Kira for taking her husband away, asked Aizawa to look after Raito. 

"I doubt he'll go to her now," Ide says. "She'll know something's up, she'll have seen the broadcast. He'll stick with Takada." He glances out of the window. "No sign of Mogi?"

"Not yet. Matsuda, did he say whether he could leave right then?"

Silence, and he glances over at Matsuda, who's still holding the steering wheel, staring out at the road.

"Matsuda!"

"I'm not being naive," Matsuda says at last. The words are wrenched out like he's too angry to talk properly.

"Oh, for god's sake..." Aizawa wants to shake him, how can anyone be so goddamn immature?

"I know I didn't work it out about Raito like you did but you don't - you don't need to - I was just trying to _help_ , you don't need to talk to me like I was so stupid -"

"You _are_ being stupid."

"Shut up," Matsuda says, wheeling round to glare at him, "shut _up_ \- you're just mad because if - no, when someone does hurt them it'll be _your_ fault and it serves you right -"

The shock that Matsuda of all people could just say that to score points is the only thing that stops Aizawa punching him and keeping on doing so. He is so _scared_ and the only way to get rid of the fear is to beat it out, this fucking _idiot_ who thinks this is just about winning an argument - 

But Ide has already cut in, "Matsuda, leave it." Aizawa is almost yearning for him to say something even more dumb - for there to be an excuse to lose it completely - but after a second, Matsuda hunches over, not looking at either of them. Aizawa still wants to choke him, but by now he's got himself under control enough that instead he says, "I'll drive. Move it."

Matsuda stays still for a moment, but then he turns away, scrambles out of the car. Slamming the door behind him - the vehicle shakes - he walks round to the other side, climbs into the back. Aizawa stops bothering to look at him, slides across into the driver's seat.

"You speak to your wife?" Ide says at last.

"Yeah. Told her to get out of the city."

"We're doing the same, I assume?"

"They didn't have photos." Aizawa tries to think logically, to focus, but it feels as dark inside his head as it is around them. "People who can rat us out are here; people who know us." 

"How far are we going to go?" Ide doesn't say _the entire country will be looking for us_ ; he doesn't need to. 

"Don't know. I reckon we should just lay low for now. Maybe the bastard will die of his wounds."

"They won't announce that on national TV." 

"Well, maybe people will start getting annoyed that Kira isn't killing anyone. Maybe they'll stop trusting his every word, or at least stop with the whole god thing."

"I wish." Ide shakes his head. "Where the hell is Mogi?"

Aizawa is thinking the same thing. He doesn't want to be sitting still in the middle of Tokyo. He doesn't want to be waiting for a call as if everything is normal. And already he's wondering if maybe Mogi isn't going to make it here, maybe Amane betrayed him, and they'll just sit and wait for him until Takada and Raito catch up with them too. It was stupid to wait at all, he and Matsuda should have fled the city as soon as they found out, but he wasn't going to ditch Ide, and - they're still a team, even if their leader's betrayed them, he couldn't just -

Matsuda's phone starts ringing. He seems unaware of it for a while, but then Ide snaps "Matsuda!" and he fumbles for it, answers: "Yeah?"

"Who is it?" Ide says, and when Matsuda mouths _Mogi_ Aizawa leans over, takes the phone from him. If Mogi is in trouble, the last person he needs trying to help is Matsuda. "Mogi, it's Aizawa. Where are you?"

"I'm still at the hotel." Mogi sounds calm, but then he nearly always sounds calm. "I... I'm not going to come with you."

"What the hell are you talking about? Look, is there someone else there? Are you trapped?"

"No, it's nothing like that. It's Amane." A pause, then, "She's obviously very concerned about Raito, him also being part of the task force and... and his injury, so I've said we'll remain nearby so she can find him if he's looking for her."

Aizawa knows his brain is moving more slowly than usual because it takes him a ridiculous amount of time to work out what must be going on. Of _course_ they don't want Raito to be able to contact Misa, because Misa will be happy to do whatever he wants -

"You're keeping her away from him," he says. "Right?"

"Yes."

"I hope to god you know what you're doing. Can you convince her to get out of the city at least?"

"I'll do my best. We're leaving now. I - take care."

"You too." Aizawa ends the call. "All right. He's not meeting us. He's going to keep an eye on Amane. So let's get moving." He passes Matsuda's phone back to him. "We'll get rid of our phones as soon as we can. In the meantime, keep it switched off, all right?"

"You needed him to call back," Matsuda mutters.

"That's not the point! Just keep it turned off now!"

Matsuda doesn't look at him. Aizawa turns away, starts the car.

***

Aizawa rings off, and, slowly, Mogi lowers his phone and closes it. He doesn't know quite what he's done, and he _really_ doesn't know what to do next. All right, preventing Raito from seeking help from his devoted girlfriend is a reasonable goal, but Mogi didn't make this decision after rational analysis of the best step to take. He just found himself telling Misa that Raito was hurt, was in danger, and when he saw the way she looked, saw how desperate she was to run off and find her fiance, he - 

It doesn't matter. There is no going back now, and Aizawa didn't read him the riot act so he must have sounded relatively clear-thinking. He's just going to get Misa out of Tokyo, to a safe place, and then they will lie low until the danger has lessened. 

"Misa..." he begins. "We need to..."

She doesn't look at him; she's gazing out of the window, twisting the thick curtain cord round her fingers. 

"I don't want to leave," she says. "Raito knew they'd brought me to the Teito Hotel." But the usual determination in her voice is muted, and even as she speaks she lets the curtains fall closed and starts absently straightening the headed notepaper and branded pens on the desk. "He told me to stay here." 

"I know, but he was hurt quite badly. I don't think he'll be able to come and find you for at least another day."

"But it must be safer here than it is at home. It must, right? So why..." 

Mogi waits to see if there's any more of that sentence, mainly because he isn't sure _why_ himself. Misa stands by the desk, twirling strands of hair round her fingers. She looks very pale - the only light is from the desk lamp, which blazes in her eyes - and, even though her face is as stubborn as only Misa's can be, her mouth is crumpling.

"Misa-Misa is famous," she says at last, softly. "That's it, isn't it? If they're after Raito, they'll know about Misa. And Takada knows, too. People would've seen me come here. That's it, isn't it, Mochi?"

Mogi thinks he preferred the determination, even if it was directed towards the wellbeing of someone who in no way deserves it. He _isn't_ trying just to make Misa miserable. He's _helping_ her. He's spent a lot of time trying to make sure she doesn't get hurt, and doing it for motives she isn't aware of is nothing new. 

"Misa," he says, trying to make himself sound practical, "we need to leave."

Misa is still for a second, then nods. "They might use Misa to get to Raito. We can't let that happen." The stubbornness is coming back; her hands are clenched into fists. "Okay, Mochi, let's go. Let's make like we're just going late-night shopping. I won't check out or anything." She starts scurrying round the room, packing stuff into her handbag, picking up a Muji carrier bag to put clothes in. Eventually, she straightens up, looking at him hopefully as if she needs him to say she's behaving like a good fugitive. 

"That's right," he says. "And - and we should leave our phones here. Otherwise we could be traced."

"But Raito might try to call me!" 

"I know, but... it isn't safe. Besides, if - if he got caught they might make him phone you, to bring you to him -" To his own ears he sounds like an obvious liar, but Misa's flair for the dramatic has already taken over and she's nodding, "Yeah, and then they could use Misa to make Raito do what they want. Okay. Okay." She takes out her phone and places it ceremonially on the desk, then reaches for his. When she's put it down she tucks her arm into his and hurries over to the door, and even as she opens it she's talking about this cute new store that opened in Harajuku and how she can't wait and she heard they give out free perfume on the door. 

He finds himself ridiculously grateful for the act. It means he doesn't have to do anything but show polite interest, which he would have done anyway. He knows that he can lie and fake when it comes down to it, but right now, when he's expecting them to be stopped any moment by men in black suits and sunglasses, or not even stopped, shot at - if he's recognised, Misa will just be someone who's allied herself with him, another enemy of Kira -

This is stupid. Nerves and playing _what if_ aren't going to help the situation.

Misa squeezes his arm a little, giggles. "Don't worry. I promise I won't make you carry all the bags! Misa's strong, Misa can take care of herself."

He glances down at her, manages to nod. He's supposed to be looking after _her_ , isn't he? He reminds himself that under the blonde hair and frills and giggling she's got a core of almost frightening strength, that she can cope with practically anything life throws at her. Of course she's worried about Raito, but she can deal with that - it's still better than leaving her behind either to be exploited or abandoned -

She's still talking, still keeping the lie going. Her voice is bright and loud as they hurry through the silent corridors; there's only the hum of the lights and the heating, the carpet is thick enough to muffle their footsteps. The light glints in the glass and mirrors and windows and for a moment this is five years ago and they're going to meet Ryuzaki - L - and catching Kira is something the world expects them to do. Were L here now, he would probably have managed to concoct some clever plan using Misa as bait, or have wheeled out some secret resource he'd had waiting in the wings. L would not just be running away.

He definitely wouldn't be running away with someone he thought was the second Kira.

Mogi has been trying not to think about this. About L being correct about Raito's guilt. About the thirteen-day rule being fake. About Mikami's memories vanishing when he lost his notebook. It all leads to too many questions, not least why he's assuming Misa needs or deserves protection from Kira. Thank god Aizawa didn't ask about that, because Mogi doesn't think he would have had an answer. Misa might need looking after, but the second Kira wouldn't.

He decides to stop following this line of thought. He's made a choice now, he has to stick with it. They're at the front desk now. Misa slides her key over to the receptionist without even looking, continues to chatter. Mogi wishes he weren't so tall, wishes he didn't stand out. But it doesn't really matter, does it? They're being picked up on camera anyway, and Raito would recognise any of them.

Outside in the darkness it's cold, and Misa huddles a bit closer, shivering. She goes quiet for a few moments, fumbles with the hood of her coat.

"There," she says as she pulls it up. "People won't spot me so easily now. Where - where are we going to go?"

"We should withdraw some money," he says. "Bank cards can be traced too. Then... I suppose we should find somewhere to stay." And what if they're noticed, what if Misa is recognised? He realises, sharply, what he's committed himself to; someone else to worry about in this situation. He could have managed on his own; kept a low profile, been forgettable, tolerated the boredom and the unease. But with Misa it's different - 

"Okay," she's saying. "Hey. I know where we can stay."

"Where?"

"A love hotel!" she says, triumphantly.

"What?"

"It makes sense!" She prods him in the arm. "You can be anonymous, they won't ask questions, and there's loads of them about."

Mogi can feel himself blushing and he wonders if it's obvious in the streetlights. Misa looks up at him, evidently waiting for praise, and eventually he says, "I'm not sure that's... appropriate..."

Misa laughs, resting her head against his arm a moment. "Aw, Mochi, don't worry about Raito. He knows he can trust me with you, right? He was happy for you to stay with me before. And _I_ trust you."

Mogi wants to try and explain that the thought of _taking her to a love hotel_ makes this feel like an even worse situation than it already is, like he's lying to her and taking advantage of the chaos to get her into bed, like that he's abandoned the rest of the task force to go off with the pretty blonde. Of course there's no way he can verbalise that and it isn't like the situation will _actually_ be what it looks like, so he just says, "I suppose it... does make sense. But only if -"

"I'm _fine_ with it. Honestly, Mochi, this is a life-or-death situation. Come on, let's hurry before someone sees us."

The other thing he should have remembered about Misa is that it's extremely difficult to dissuade her from an idea once she's set on it. But in a way, that almost makes him feel calmer. Following her around and keeping her out of the way of the Kira case as much as possible is what he does. Perhaps he just wanted to cling to this last aspect of normal life. 

***

Gevanni's never liked hospitals. When he was a kid, it was just that he didn't like the memories associated with them: worried parents, funny smells, sick people looking weird and you staring at them before you remembered you probably shouldn't be. Then when he got older, it was because you never have a pleasant reason to be there. He'd rather his work took him anywhere else. Hospitals try so hard to make people feel comfortable and the gap between that and what actually goes on in them makes Gevanni's teeth ache. 

His sister Louise would have said that that was all crap and he was just paranoid he was going to catch something. She was good at that sort of belittling. 

And he's been doing great when it comes to not thinking about her up until now. Sure, there were some times when he couldn't not, but she died just after the rest of the SPK did and he let Lidner and Rester and Near think any difference in his behaviour was due to that. He was only on this mission because of her, and he wasn't going to let his own emotions fuck it up. And there's no reason to let that slip, especially as it looks like the case is having one last gasp before it ends. The only reason he's thinking of her is because they've lost Near, because that feels like they've lost the war. He's choosing to take the horror of that death and let it bring up the memory of why he got into this case to start with.

(Is it wrong that he's almost grateful it hasn't ended? He's settled into spending his time shadowing someone through unfamiliar streets and never, ever revealing his real name. It may be frightening and dull and lonely but in his own mind it's stable at least. If - _when_ he goes home, sees his parents again and Louise's kids, the one thing it won't be is _stable._ ) 

Whatever. One last gasp, whether he wanted it or not. Even as he thinks it he can see Near struggling for breath, face glistening with sweat, staring desperately up at them as the blood pours from the chest wound, just a _kid._ Worse somehow than seeing the rest of the SPK die, or perhaps the shock of that has just lessened with time. Or maybe just that he and the others should have done something this time. Could have done something.

(Let it go.) The calm, intelligent, never-seems-bothered-by-anything part of his mind reminds him that he'll have time later to work through the shock of Near's death. He can't afford to go to pieces in front of Mikami.

He glances over at the man, who has at least stopped shouting now. When his memories went they'd been in the middle of sewing up the wound in his throat, so it hadn't been fun for anyone concerned. Now he's lying flat on his back on the hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling. The strip lights flicker in his eyes. His gaze keeps moving as if he's watching spiders or flies up above him.

Gevanni's pretty sure it wasn't him who killed Louise. It would have been Yagami, right? In the warehouse he had watched Yagami and he'd tried to wrestle his mind round the concept. _He **killed** my sister. He **killed** my **sister.**_ He thought he was managing to get it. Helped by the way Yagami had revelled in his identity as Kira, of course. With Mikami, it was different; Gevanni had always had to make sure he didn't even try out any thoughts about Louise as they applied to Mikami, because he had to act natural, unconcerned. That persists, even now. (Of course there's no point in getting mad.) There's no hatred of Mikami, just concern that someone normally so controlled, so organised, is now so untidy and twitchy and scared. He'd shouted _why am I here? What did I do?_ and his wide, terrified eyes had locked on Gevanni and he'd just stared and then he'd shouted, coughing blood, _who are you? Why are you here?_ and Gevanni is pretty sure that's because he was the only one who _wasn't_ a stranger.

"How are you feeling?" he says, trying to sound practical rather than sympathetic. 

Mikami doesn't move for a few seconds, and when he does speak, he still just stares at the ceiling.

"You've been following me for weeks," he says at last. His voice is hoarse and raspy, slowed by the wound, but it's calmer. He's gathered his thoughts.

"Yes."

_"Why?"_

"I thought that you might be connected to Kira somehow." Gevanni leans forward a little, says it as if it's the most obvious reason in the world to be tailing someone. 

"That's not an explanation," Mikami says, but he's looking slightly less frightened, as if he knows that his devotion is obvious. "Besides, I... I am not. I simply want to... to serve him." He swallows, rubs at the bandages on his throat. "I don't understand why... I don't understand what's happened." His fingers clench a little, pick at the dressings. "I don't know what's _happened_ -"

"I know. I know you're very confused right now." _Join the club._ It hadn't meant to be that Near would die. Near had thought everything out carefully, could anticipate everyone's moves. He'd even said, _I doubt Kira will be expecting Takada to play a vital role in the meeting. It's gone beyond that now._ And it was true. Takada hadn't played the vital role, there'd been a showdown and Near had been the one thinking fastest. It was just a stray bullet from some hired grunt had got to him after it was all over. After he should have been safe.

Mikami seems to be waiting for Gevanni to say more, but Gevanni's got no idea what he's supposed to be telling the guy. _Yeah, you killed a bunch of people and we're going to arrest you for that and lock you up without trial for the rest of your life. The guy you thought was your god screwed you over and that's why you tried to kill yourself. Oh, and I'm an FBI agent and part of the SPK and you tried to kill me earlier today._ The entire thing sounds so stupid if you're outside of it. And it's not even as though he's got Near in the background providing direction and the idea that everything makes sense in the end.

Luckily, at that moment he hears footsteps coming towards them and so he takes a deep breath, tries to calm down. A moment later the door's opened and Rester has hurried in. He's scowling and he looks tired, and Gevanni finds his stomach sinking as if it's bad news even before Rester says, "Come out of here, I need to talk to you."

Mikami glances at him as he leaves, and he gives something which is meant to be a reassuring smile but probably isn't because he doesn't feel reassuring in the least.

"The situation just got worse. Takada's trying to set the general public on us," Rester says as soon as the door closes behind them. "Our real names - and those of the task force - have been broadcast on NHN."

Gevanni can't think of anything to say other than _oh, shit._ There's a horrible feeling of falling at the idea that his real name, a secret so important that he's managed to half-convince himself it has nothing to do with him, has just been broadcast on national television, just like _that._

"Seriously?" he says instead. Like Rester's the type to say _no, I was just messing with you._

"I imagine Yagami managed to remember them. She also specifically said to look out for three Americans. So we need to keep our heads down. We've probably been spotted around the headquarters here, so that's out."

"Does Lidner know?"

"Sure, she was the one who called me. She said there's been no sign of Yagami on any of the official channels, so she reckons this is a distraction technique letting him get medical help without any of us causing trouble. She said she'll meet up with us later if she can." He lowers his voice. "She thinks Mello's still out there. I didn't think it was wise to pin all our hopes on that - I can't believe Takada wouldn't have written his name down as soon as she got the chance - but I suppose if anyone can find him, Lidner can." He swallows. "She's hanging onto her cell - she ditched the one Takada knows about - and I figure she's hoping she can find Mello before keeping her phone on her gets too risky. I've got rid of mine - you do the same and we can use a payphone or steal someone's if we have to."

"Right. And the task force?"

"They know. I don't know what they're doing, though." Rester glances round the corridor, which is silent right now except for the hum of the lights and the voices of two nurses at the visiting desk further down. "We need to get out of here, now. We're too conspicuous."

"What about Mikami? Yagami might try and establish contact with him..." Gevanni trails off, not sure where that point was going. He's still thinking like their main objective is to arrest Kira - well, the various Kiras - when it sounds more like it's just turned into _try not to get killed by an angry mob._ God, he wishes he was less tired.

"Will he?" Rester says. "He's got Takada now. The only reason he needed Mikami was to act as a proxy. It's _us_ he'll want to track down. Us and the notebook."

"Yeah, but we lose track of Mikami now, we've let him _and_ Yagami slip through our fingers. Not to mention he's confused as hell and remembers lots of things about notebooks and warehouses without knowing why he should keep them quiet. The doctors are going to be back to ask him more questions soon -" 

Rester's gaze has moved away from him, over his shoulder, and it turns resigned even as the guy says, "We've got company."

Three of the dark-suited guys from the warehouse are talking to the nurse at the desk. Even as Gevanni looks round, she's nodding, pointing towards them -

"Take Mikami and get out of here," Rester mutters. Then he's running, drawing his gun as he does so.

Which is a simpler objective than anything else that's come Gevanni's way in the last few hours, and his mind runs with it, letting go of the fear and the exhaustion and slipping into the focused, instinctual knowing that's, in an odd, speeded-up way, the same as when he's shadowing someone, or focusing on building a new model ship. He's easing the door open again, saying to Mikami, gently but with the correct undertone of urgency, "We have to go. There are some people coming to talk to us about Kira, and I don't think they're friendly." 

Outside there are heavy, running footsteps. Then a shot. Screaming. Mikami's eyes widen, and he glances warily from Gevanni to the door.

"They won't be very happy when they find out you've forgotten everything," Gevanni hears himself saying (not spitefully) (spite will damage this) "Look, I'm not sticking around. If you want to know what's going on, you're going to have to come with me."

Mikami's breath catches in his throat a little. Then, swallowing, he gets to his feet. Gevanni grabs him by the arm and hurries back out into the corridor.

There's shouting, more screams - more shots. Medical staff are rushing around, slamming doors to wards, hustling patients out of the corridors. Gevanni doesn't look for Rester (don't let your hands shake) (one false move and the entire thing's ruined), he's just heading down the corridor, hand on Mikami's shoulder now. Mikami is still looking around. The disinfectant smell of the hospital has been overlaid by the smell of gunpowder. Gevanni reaches for his own gun, and when some doctor comes up to him, saying, "Please, get off this corridor -" he draws it, calmly, and says, "No, I don't think so." The man goes white, and Gevanni walks round him, guiding Mikami. The other man is shaking, and he looks like he's about to say something but as soon as they're past the doctor Gevanni grips his arm and starts to run. Behind him, the doctor is yelling for help. Behind that, there's other shouts, someone delivering orders, or possibly just insults. Gevanni listens for Rester in the commotion, but he can't hear him, and then he's through the door and running down concrete stairs, and the noise has faded away.


	2. Fear

Takada usually has no issue with late nights, but the day's events are starting to take their toll on her, she realises. What she would like to do is go home, have a hot bath and try to forget the sight of Raito screaming at her when they picked him up that this was _all her fault._ She would like to forget even more how close she was to screaming back at him, _I thought you were better than this! Why don't you grow up?_ It still makes her feel a little bit sick that they nearly ended up having a shouting match in front of her driver. She thought they were _both_ better than that.

Of course, her apartment is still covered in Raito's blood (from the provision of first aid in case getting him to a hospital proved difficult) and the last thing he said to her before the doctors took him off was _don't you dare let me down_ , so perhaps it's better that rather than home she is sitting in the car outside someone else's house and... just taking the time to collect her thoughts before she goes in.

She glances up, and meets her driver's eyes. The sunglasses hide any amusement or pity that might be felt at the sight of Lady Takada hiding in the car, too frightened to face a perfectly normal member of the general public, some housewife who, if it wasn't for who her husband was, would probably watch NHN and eat up every one of Takada's speeches. Market analysis has shown she plays relatively well with the middle-aged stay-at-home female market; they like that Kira's spokesperson is a woman and refined and not linked to anything trashy like Sakura TV. There is nothing to be _frightened_ of.

She gets out of the car, slams the door, nods to the similar vehicle parked behind her. Its occupants, two more of her entourage, get out, follow her as she walks up the path. Grass is growing up in the cracks between the concrete; her heels sink in it every so often.

One of the men rings the doorbell for her. For a while, no one answers. Takada fixes her eyes on the lit windows and tries not to think about how Raito will look at her if she has to explain to him that she has fallen even at this hurdle. _I'd like to see you do any better,_ she snaps at him, but when they ring the bell the third time, the door finally opens.

Takada looks into the woman's face, and, as she finds herself doing almost automatically these days, mentally links a full name to it, _Eriko Aizawa,_ and wraps the knowledge round herself that, if she had to, she could eliminate this person with the flick of a pen - 

\- except that right now, she can't, of course, because _your stupid husband has chosen to ruin everything -_

Aizawa's wife is staring at her numbly, and the colour draining from her face makes Takada sure that she's well aware of how much trouble her husband is in. _Good._ And the fear will probably help. After all, Takada wants to convey the gravity of the situation, doesn't she?

"Aizawa-san," she says, "May we come in?"

The woman's eyes flick from her to the men flanking her to the two black cars on the driveway.

"It's not very convenient, actually," she says, swallowing. She sounds rude, aggressive, but Takada tries to be charitable and tell herself it's because of fear.

"I really do think it would be advisable if you listened to me," she says, and takes a step forward. And after a few seconds, the woman moves back, slowly, as if she can't take in what's going on. 

The house is small, and smells of crumbs and fruit juice and that faintly rotten scent Takada associates with small children. It's untidy as well - toys and shoes and miscellaneous objects scattered across the floor. To be fair, the half-filled suitcases in the middle of the hall suggest that tidiness isn't one of Eriko Aizawa's priorities at the moment. Takada glances at them, making sure it's obvious, then looks back at Eriko, who's leant back against the wall, arms wrapped round herself. The woman doesn't ask what this is about. She simply watches. One of the men closes the front door behind them - the other one says to her, "Ask anyone else in the house to come down here."

"My husband's not -"

"Anyone else."

"I really would co-operate," Takada says, trying to sound concerned. "They - they're under orders from Kira, Aizawa-san. Not carrying them out isn't an option here. And... if your children did leave the house, they'd be noticed by my driver. The outcome would be the same, and everyone would have wasted valuable time."

The woman stares at her for a moment, then her hands curl into fists and she calls up the stairs, "Yumi? Will - will you come down here, please?" Her voice trembles. Takada feels a little better, hearing that Eriko is evidently so scared she can't even control her speaking tones. There is no way that this can go wrong.

One of the men starts climbing the stairs, and Eriko takes a step forward. "Please -" she says, and then she goes silent, evidently realising she has nothing she can ask for.

"It's all right," Takada says, letting her own voice stumble just a bit, kindly mirroring Eriko's fear. "I - I'm going to do my best to keep the situation under control. Your children are innocents. I understand that."

The man has reached the top of the stairs - as he does, he stops, and indicates for someone else approaching to come past him. It's a teenage girl, round-faced, in jeans and a jumper. "Mum, aren't we... why are -" She stops as she sees Takada, and her mouth falls open. The typical teenage shock that _someone on TV_ is actually in her house.

"Just - come and stand by me," Eriko says. "And don't interrupt." And although there's superficially only irritation in her voice, the girl must have picked up on something else because she huddles close to her mother, clutches her hand as if she's much younger.

"Are you able to tell me where your husband is at the moment?" Takada says, trying to speak as if she's a friend, someone concerned for Eriko's welfare. It's not easy. People like this are the type of people Kira wants to protect, and it makes her grit her teeth that they're being so stupid.

"No," the woman says, and she meets Takada's eyes now, glares at her. "I know what you said, on TV. I know that you're - you're searching for him. He called me a while ago and told me he was leaving the city. That's all I know."

Both men have gone on up the stairs now.

"Are you sure?" Takada says. "Really, if you do know anything, I would say it now. Did he not arrange any kind of meeting point with you? Any contact?" She can hear a sarcastic edge rising in her voice, and she tries to hold it back. Like Shuichi Aizawa is going to risk his neck meeting with a woman as useless as this. 

"He didn't know he was going to have to _flee for his life_ ," Eriko snaps. "We thought society wasn't going to fall to pieces that fast." The teenage girl takes a sharp, shaking breath, and fixes Takada with a scowl that's clearly just managing to mask terror.

From upstairs, a child starts screaming. " _I want Mum! I want my mum!_ " The sound gets closer as the two men walk back down the stairs. One of them is carrying the other daughter, who is screaming and kicking and crying, nose running, face red. Eriko marches forward as if she's going to grab the child but she doesn't quite dare, evidently. Instead she stops, glares at the man, and says, over the noise, "Put her down. You're frightening her."

"Our orders are that if we cannot find your husband, we are to take the child to another location as insurance," the man says. Takada is impressed; he sounds businesslike, sure of himself. An appropriate representative for Kira and for NHN.

"No - no, you - you can't do that!" Eriko is clearly fighting to hold back the tears; the teenage daughter snaps at Takada, "You can't just come in here and kidnap someone's kid! If you take Youko anywhere we'll - we'll call the police, okay?"

"If your husband gives himself up to NHN," the man holding the younger child says - he preserves his composure despite being assaulted by a five-year-old - "your daughter will be returned unharmed. The police will be well aware of this. Kira has to do what is necessary to protect the world."

And then he's walking towards the front door. The little girl is screaming even more now, stretching out her arms to try and reach her mother. Eriko dashes forward, but Takada quickly steps in, grabs her arm. There is no point in letting things get ugly.

"Please," she says, trying to sound concerned. (She _does_ wish the child would stop crying. The sound scrapes down her hearing, hits some primal button that tells her this is _bad._ ) "If you know anything, please just tell me. I can get them to stop if I have information, I promise."

"I _don't know_!" Eriko is crying now, and she tries to push past Takada to where the men are carrying her daughter out to the car. "He didn't tell me anything! For god's sake, she's five years old, she's _frightened_!"

Takada suspects she's telling the truth. It isn't likely that the husband would have had any information he could have passed on; by all accounts the task force were spending every waking moment looking for Kira, and Shuichi Aizawa hadn't seen his family for weeks. 

"Make them stop," Eriko gasps, clutching Takada's arm, "you're Kira's spokeswoman, you can make them bring her back -"

The two men have reached the car now. Takada watches as one of them opens the trunk and - without any ceremony or hesitation - drops the little girl inside and slams the lid on her. The cries disappear, and Takada finds herself breathing a sigh of relief. But the next second _Eriko_ is screaming, she has shoved past Takada and is running forward but the car is already pulling away.

"I can only get her back if your husband gives himself up," Takada says, picking her way down the path, risking a gentle touch on the other woman's shoulder. "Look... I believe you when you say you don't know anything. I do, I promise. And I'll do whatever I can to help you. But you have to believe me when I say I've got very few options."

"She's scared of the dark." Eriko has wrapped her arms round herself - her voice chokes out in little sobs. "She still - she has a night-light. You - they've shut her up in the dark..."

"There is something you could do that might help," Takada says, letting her voice become thoughtful as if the idea has only just occurred to her. "Would - would you consider putting a message out to your husband on NHN?"

Eriko looks round at her, face blotchy and red from crying. She doesn't speak, so Takada carries on, "Explain the situation. After all - he's the one who needs to act. It can't hurt, after all - can it? Why, if you and your other daughter come with me now, we can broadcast within a few hours. Your husband's bound to be monitoring the news. If he came back, your child could be returned to you by morning."

Eriko turns away, her mouth crumpling, but she presses a hand to it and when she looks back, her face is shut down, hopeless.

"Whereas if you don't," Takada says, wondering why she has to spell out _everything,_ "then there's absolutely nothing you can do to get the child back, is there?"

Eriko stares at her and she actually laughs - a damp laugh, before her smile breaks up into tears again.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" she says.

"I think it might be best. I know NHN, after all. If you work with me on this, I know we can have your child back to you as soon as possible." Ugh. One day Takada won't have to crawl and lie and fake-smile to people to get them to do what needs doing; one day they'll do it without her even having to ask. "I see you were packing. Perhaps if you just take a change of clothes, night things, you can come with me, do the broadcast, and then be provided with accommodation until things are sorted out. I... I have to say, it isn't just these people who might try to carry out, well... what they think is Kira's will."

Back in the house, the teenage girl is crying, quietly, rubbing a fist across her eyes every so often. She doesn't look at anyone else. She and her mother numbly throw a few more items into the suitcases, close them up, and, when asked, follow Takada to the car as if they can no longer comprehend doing anything else. Takada feels the tension in her stomach relax a little. She's always felt a lot better after she manages to pass tests. 

***  
It feels like they drive for hours and Ide would happily leave all the decision-making to someone else but neither Aizawa nor Matsuda have spoken since the journey began. So he makes himself say, "We should stop, find a hotel or something," and Aizawa doesn't argue, just nods, and the next time a sign shows up they turn off the road and, finally, stop driving.

Matsuda spent most of the journey dozing, head against the window; now he gets out of the car slowly, evidently still half-asleep. Huddling against it, he stares at the ground, his breath cloudy in the light from the hotel foyer. Ide can't stop glancing at him. He still can't quite believe Matsuda said something that vicious to Aizawa earlier. Matsuda always seemed never to hate anyone - hell, even when he complained about someone it was usually because they didn't like him and were making it obvious. 

But then, why is it so odd? In the space of a day everything they thought they could depend on has been swept away - and even it hadn't been, it was still unpleasant to see how deep the level of Raito's deception had gone. No one likes to learn they've been lied to. Matsuda's just still reeling from it and taking time to adjust. Everyone acts like a jerk because they're tired and miserable sometimes. Aizawa's disappeared into the hotel building; Ide takes a gulp of cold air, enjoying the way it doesn't taste of car upholstery and only slightly of exhaust fumes. The world is black and yellow; it feels like they've been driving all night but above them the sky is as dark as ever. And besides, it wasn't really that long. Journeys just feel longer when no one's saying anything (what would there be to say? _How long do you think it'll be til they catch up with us? How the hell did we end up like this? What are we going to do, seriously?_ )

Inside, the foyer is anonymous, grey and beige and pale purple. Faint smell of cigarettes. The desk clerk is handing over keys to Aizawa. She _acts_ perfectly polite, friendly, but Ide finds himself waiting for her to scrutinise their faces, wonder who they are, why they look so tired, could they be, could they possibly be - 

"I got a single and a twin," Aizawa's saying - to him only, not looking back to see if Matsuda's even there. Ide knows that it's always been Aizawa's way not to hide it if he thinks you're an idiot, but right now it pisses him off; it isn't like they're not all tired and jittery and worried about other people. Still, saying that to Aizawa will only make him even more grumpy, and Matsuda _did_ act like an idiot.

The stairs are empty, completely silent except for the hum of the lights. Huge squares of night hanging on the walls and their footsteps seem too loud. Matsuda, following behind them, is moving slowly, almost stumbling a bit as if he hasn't slept in days, and so Ide says to Aizawa, "You need the rest. You take the single, I'll go in the other one with -" And the word _Matsuda_ is almost on his tongue before he remembers and he's so furious at almost slipping up on something so _basic_ (as if he hasn't spent the last five years searching for someone who can kill you once they know your name) that he can't think of the name on Matsuda's fake ID. Aizawa shrugs. "Whatever you want."

A low-ceilinged corridor, closed doors; numbers on the walls in more moulded grey. The fact that this place is just one of hundreds of motorway rest stops only makes it feel more like a dream, as if they aren't supposed to be here at all. Aizawa hands Ide the key, says, "We'll get off early tomorrow, all right? I'll wake you." 

"Sounds good."

Aizawa unlocks the door to his own room, lets it slam shut behind him. Matsuda walks a bit closer to Ide, stands watching as the door is unlocked, trails into the room. It's small, smells of industrially-washed sheets; the plastic blind is half-down, so a square of streetlight is thrown across the ends of the two beds. 

"You know, you can sit down," Ide says at last, when it seems like Matsuda isn't going to move. "This isn't my house either."

Matsuda shrugs, takes a few steps forwards, slumps onto one of the beds. Ide is tempted to simply curl up and go to sleep; if Matsuda is uncharacteristically silent isn't that a good thing? But it's not, it's irritating him, he's tired of everything being unfamiliar and he's tired of Matsuda taking everything so much to heart, and so he says, "Aizawa'll get over it. You just said something dumb, that's all." 

A pause. They can still hear cars rushing by on the motorway; a footstep or two above them. Ide glances at the television in the corner; he can just make out shadows of himself and Matsuda reflected in the screen. They should probably check NHN, see if there've been any new developments. But he's tired and perhaps he just wants to kid himself he's still someone for whom staying in a hotel isn't a calculated risk. 

"You knew, right?" Matsuda says at last. "You knew Raito was Kira."

Ide shrugs. "Aizawa thought he might be." He hears suddenly how sheep-like that makes him sound, and Matsuda has already laughed - a flat, sarcastic sound - and said, "Huh, you just like doing the same as him, don't you? It's nothing to do with Kira."

"That's -"

"You think he's so _great_ and so _trustworthy_ and he'll never do anything to hurt you, well, you only came back because of him, didn't you?" Matsuda's hunched over, digging his nails into his arms. "It's all his fault you're running away now. Why don't you stop being on his side all the time?"

"Give it a rest!" Ide snaps, and then wonders he's letting such a stupid accusation get to him. This isn't Aizawa's _fault_ , and if he's clearly been doing a hell of a lot of thinking on his own and leaving Ide out of the loop, that's his business. It certainly doesn't matter now, when their enemy's given them the slip and the world hates them and there are no more super-geniuses to think up ridiculously clever plans.

Besides, Aizawa's in just as much shit as he is. It isn't like he kept Ide in the dark to save his own skin. 

"If you want to talk about Raito," he says, slumping back on the bed because he's trying to show how little he cares about what Matsuda's said, "talk about Raito. If you're mad at Aizawa, talk about that. Don't mix them up."

Angry silence; then, eventually, Matsuda says, "I don't want to talk about Raito."

"Suit yourself."

"I just wanted to know if you knew."

"I didn't _know_ anything. Aizawa told me a bit about what happened before I joined. I could see why he was suspicious. And besides, Near already had a way to resolve the issue, didn't he? It wasn't like we needed to do anything." Ide wonders if maybe that's not quite true, if maybe he should've turned his and Matsuda's conversations about Takada's love life towards the possibility that Raito wasn't lying just to her. But he'd thought... he'd assumed that Matsuda must have _some_ inkling... or that Matsuda would be upset, sure, but not _seriously_ so, it wasn't as if Matsuda and Raito were friends...

"If we didn't need to do anything," Matsuda is saying truculently, "then how come Near's dead and Raito's escaped and we're here probably going to - to get killed?" 

Ide feels the fear which he's been trying to ignore hit him like an iron bar in the stomach. He swallows. "We're not... we're _not_ going to get killed." He wants to sound scornful of such a stupid suggestion, _sure, the older wiser colleague who knows everything,_ but he doesn't succeed. 

"He wants us dead, doesn't he? That's - there's no way out, there's no way we can do anything about this." Matsuda actually sounds pleading now, like he wants Ide to come up with some incredibly obvious overlooked solution. Ide knows he should be annoyed, but he can understand the feeling. It would be _great_ if one of them figured out how to solve this.

"He wants his notebook back," he says, falling back on what's actually reality. "He can't kill us until he's managed that."

Matsuda shrugs. Ide closes his eyes for a few seconds, realises how tired he is; but he's so tired that he's gone through it and out the other side, and falling asleep is too much effort. 

"What do you think he's hoping to do?" Matsuda says at last, sounding a little more like he usually does, or at any rate less angry. "I mean... he wants people to find us. Tell him where we are."

"Or drag us back to Tokyo. Yeah."

"So... so then if - when - if he finds us then he'll... he'll ask us where the notebooks are, won't he."

"I don't know," Ide says, his mind pulling away from the idea of it. The room is chilly. He sits up a little, starts taking his shoes off. _He'll ask us._ This is a stupid conversation to be having anyway. It's especially stupid when they have no idea if it'll be safe to sleep in a hotel tomorrow night. He should be getting rest while he can. He should definitely _not_ be reflecting on how bad the situation already is.

"If I were him," Matsuda says, "And - and I mean, we said we weren't going to tell... which we're not... if I were him, I'd say I was going to kill all our families unless we told me."

"For god's sake, will you shut up?" Ide snaps. "You don't know what would happen if - and it's not going to anyway, so -" He sounds scared. He sounds fucking scared and he _wasn't,_ he was uneasy, that was all, just concerned - 

"Sorry," Matsuda says flatly.

"Get some sleep."

But when he finally tries, it's not as easy as that (of course). He'd got good at falling asleep in uncomfortable chairs or sprawled on sofas, still in work clothes, with screens glowing all round him or other people muttering or the sound of typing like rain on the roof. Sleeping in an actual bed in more-or-less silence with only one other person in the room should be luxury, but he just lies there, moving to rest on one side, then the other, the streetlight square constantly catching his eye whenever he blinks. Thoughts show up slowly, tangle round each other. At first they're basic; his mind locks onto the square of streetlight and it's there even when he closes his eyes. Light. Too bright, keeping him awake. They didn't switch the light on at all, in here, so no one will look in, which has to help, doesn't it? He knows that's stupid but he can't work out why. The streetlight doesn't move. If it were sunlight, it would, but this is just waiting. He closes his eyes and turns his face away from it. If the clerk downstairs suspects something - which there's no reason for her to, they gave her fake names, there's only three of them, there's nothing to tip her off as to who they are - just three colleagues making their way home from some business trip - 

But if...

Not everyone's loyal to Kira, though, right? Or they might approve of what he's doing, but -

No. If they approve, they'll think those people they heard about on the news are criminals. If they figure it out, they'll be _scared_ , they'll assume they're in the presence of people who, who condone rape and murder and violence and of _course_ they'll call for help - the best-case scenario is that they'll call police, and surely not all cops can think that this is right, surely someone must have thought that maybe they'd do the same thing, were it them -

So if they figure it out, then it's most likely they'll call for help - 

You'd hear someone coming along to the room, trying the door - no, they wouldn't need to, hotel staff have master keys - but you'd still hear, you'd react - and he knows it's stupid thinking like this but he can't shake the feeling that this is it, they've used up their last hand and they're walking dead men and they should _know_ this and all they can do is try and outrun an enemy who doesn't really even need to pursue them.

He doesn't want to die.

There's no point in thinking like this. They've all still got their guns - and he remembers that his is still with his jacket, hanging on the back of one of the chairs, and all at once he knows he wants it to hand. Just. Just in case. 

Not to mention he wants his jacket close by for another reason.

He sits up, slowly, climbs out of bed. The room's cold now. The square of streetlight still hangs there. He's just picked his jacket and gun up and is walking back to bed when he hears Matsuda shift and then a whisper, "Ide? What's happened?"

"Nothing. Sorry I woke you."

"I wasn't asleep."

Normally, Ide would just shrug, climb back into bed, shut his eyes; he has no idea what time it is but it's no time for being social. But somehow he finds himself saying, "I wasn't either."

Matsuda sort of laughs. Eventually, he says, "You reckon... you reckon our families know?"

Stupid question. "If they watch NHN, of course they do. And all the other channels will have picked up on it anyway, they'll know soon enough if they don't already."

"My dad's going to kill me," Matsuda says.

"I would've thought your _dad_ killing you is the least of your problems right now." Ide perches on the end of Matsuda's bed, wondering why he's encouraging conversation. Still, it beats thinking.

Matsuda snorts. "Still. He didn't get me a job in the NPA so I could screw it up by having to - to go on the run and be hunted down by some... some crazy serial killer."

His voice goes flat and hard on the last few words, and Ide sees the darkness and the white of the sheet shift as he rolls over to face the wall.

"Your father isn't a Kira supporter, though, right?" Ide knows that Matsuda's father is some high-up in the NPA, because some people with too much time on their hands enjoyed speculating about that being the reason for Matsuda being there at all. It always pissed Ide off. The Chief wouldn't have given someone a hand up just because of who their parents were.

"I don't know." Matsuda swallows. "When... when it all started he never gave me a hard time." Bitter now, he says, "He acted like he was actually impressed for once, you know? That I was sticking with it. He thinks I don't take things seriously."

Ide resists the temptation to say _Well, you don't_ , and instead asks, "Then - what, he changed his mind about Kira?"

"When Takada was appointed... you know, and America said that stuff about not standing up to Kira and... he started having a go at me. He kept saying he thought I should quit, that I couldn't handle it any more. Like he thought I'd screw up and get the entire family into trouble."

"He -"

"I don't care," Matsuda cuts in. "He doesn't get it, he... he never got it. Not like the Chief did. He's probably feeling all smug now things have gone to hell, he likes being proved right."

Ide wants to say _I doubt that_ and _how old are you, fifteen?_ but this doesn't sound like Matsuda just complaining because he's opening his mouth without engaging his brain first. It's almost like a deliberate act, like Matsuda wants to see what happens. Like with Aizawa earlier. Ide almost asks if that _is_ what's going on, but then holds back. It might just be his own tiredness making him see things that aren't there. 

"Your parents?" Matsuda says at last. He's slumped onto his back now, is staring at the ceiling. 

"Well, my father's dead."

"Oh. I... I didn't..."

"It's -" Ide finds himself shrugging. "It was years ago." Even in the dark, in a stressful situation, talking about his family seems in some way unprofessional. Maybe because Aizawa's the only person he still knows now whom he knew then, and one of the few people he said anything more about it to than _I was at a funeral, actually._ He wouldn't have mentioned it to Matsuda at all, had they known each other at the time. Matsuda would have been clumsily sympathetic. "My mother is probably..."

"Worried?"

_Well, yes._ "She's no doubt wishing I'd taken that nice job with the Kugisawa Group when I got out of college."

"Hey, that could've backfired," Matsuda says, his voice is trembling a bit. "You could've worked your way up the ranks and then been killed by Higuchi when your company went up against Yotsuba." And then, with a veneer of casualness, "How come your mum doesn't like you working at the NPA? Was she just scared you'd get hurt or whatever?"

Ide wants to tell Matsuda that he doesn't see that it's any of the other man's business, but his colleague sounds not too far away from hysteria and that won't help anyone. So he carries on, "Yes, I think so. Partly."

"Partly?"

Feeling as if he's in a sitcom, Ide says, knowing Matsuda will pick up on it and yet almost wishing that he will, "She thinks it's harder for someone in our job to find a nice girl and settle down."

"She thinks you ought to be more romantic as well," Matsuda laughs, right on cue, but his breathing is shaky and loud and he sounds as miserable as if he too can see how desperate they are to act as they normally do. "I don't blame her."

Ide doesn't _want_ Matsuda to be miserable, Matsuda's the one who never takes anything seriously, and so he says, deliberately trying to sound pompous, "It's not like I've had any _time_ to be romantic recently. I've had more important things to think about." _Like not getting killed,_ his mind says helpfully, but he tries to ignore it. 

"Surely nothing's more important than love?"

"Hey, I haven't noticed _you_ finding a girlfriend recently."

Matsuda takes a deep breath. "Yeah, but... but it's all in the approach. I keep my mind open to possibilities, right? Whereas you probably, like, never even imagine what it'd be like to be married to this or that girl."

"I can't see why I'd _want_ to."

Matsuda gives him an odd sideways look, like he's taken aback by something, and it occurs to Ide that while he never particularly yearned to share a home with any female of his acquaintance, he did always tell himself that presumably, sooner or later, he would get married, when he had more time, because he always assumed he wouldn't be dead by forty. Perhaps Matsuda reads the sudden unpleasant realisation in his face, or perhaps he shares it too, because suddenly even the pretense at cheerfulness is gone. 

"My - my brother got married ages ago," he carries on at last. " He and his wife have two kids already." Then, numbly, "I told Raito about it when the - the second one was born. Takuya sent me a photo of the family and I opened it at work." Sharp, quick breaths. "I told Raito all their names -"

Oh _god._ "Stop it. You didn't know. And it's not them he wants to get rid of anyway -"

"So what the _fuck_ do I do if he comes on TV and he says, he says he'll kill them if we don't turn ourselves in?" Matsuda is almost shouting it. "He knows about Aizawa's wife and kids as well, doesn't he? Seriously, Ide, what the hell are we going to do? Just keeping running isn't going to help anything - he's way smarter than us, he'll find us in _days_ -"

"Stop it -" and before he can think Ide has leant over, grabbed Matsuda by the shoulders - shakes him, sharply, once - "Stop, all right? Losing it like this won't help anyone!" Matsuda is warm under his hands and he's trembling, or perhaps that's Ide, because he doesn't know the answer to Matsuda's question, he has no idea how far he could go to prevent the notebook falling back into Raito's hands and there is no _way_ Raito won't think of this angle sooner or later -

Matsuda gulps, gasps for breath, but he doesn't keep going with the questioning. Instead he reaches up, clutches at Ide's hand, half-like he's trying to free himself from the grip, half-like... Ide reminds himself that this may be a bad situation but he's not in the habit of manhandling colleagues, and quickly lets go. Of course there's a temptation to cling on to someone else, _anyone_ else at a time like this, but he's an adult, for god's sake.

"We should be trying to sleep," he says, although he still has doubts that there'll be any success on that front. "Everything seems more difficult when you're tired." Falling back on cliches, but what else can he say? 

Matsuda shrugs, doesn't answer. Ide feels a flicker of irritation then, like Matsuda has somehow manipulated him into being scared and angry and turning into the sort of person who panics enough to grab hold of the nearest human being because they can't stop thinking the worst. He is _not_ panicking. And even if he was, staying up all night talking to Matsuda wouldn't help. So he gets up, climbs back into his own bed. It's cold and the sheets feel clammy. Matsuda sighs, and curls up, pulling the sheets half-over his head.

***  
Aizawa feels like he didn't sleep a wink, but while his thoughts began with careful, measured consideration of the situation and an attempt to make sure he hadn't forgotten any important points, they ended with a memory that had never happened, of Ryuzaki explaining to him how this situation was all his fault because he had a family. And Aizawa was trying to explain that it wasn't, that normal people couldn't afford to live like Ryuzaki, closing themselves off from all human contact, but the words didn't make sense when he spoke them. And so when he woke up and realised they had to get going, he was more grateful than anything else. Lying in bed thinking was useless.

In the other room, Ide is awake, dressed already; the TV's on, and he's clearly trying to pretend it's not making him nervous. The news hasn't started yet, and the sound's off. The noise of running water echoes from the bathroom - Matsuda's late as usual. Aizawa is glad he's got a few seconds to get his head together before they greet each other. He's still furious about what Matsuda said, and even though he suspects he's angry with Matsuda because Matsuda's someone he actually can lose his temper with, knowing his motivation doesn't help much.

Suddenly the sound of the TV is back on; the news is just beginning. Takada looks as poised and pretty as she always does; Aizawa makes himself remember Raito snarling and screaming and covered in dirt and blood. Kira _can_ be hurt, Kira can be knocked off-balance. These people are no less vulnerable than they themselves are, they've just got more resources - 

"Good morning. This is NHN, and I'm Kira's spokesperson, Kiyomi Takada." Careful pause. "Lord Kira has joyful news to report. One of the seven criminals who betrayed him has been taken into custody -"

Aizawa hears himself curse before he can try and bite it back. If it's Mogi - why the hell did he think Amane could be trusted -

"Anthony Carter, an American and former FBI agent, was discovered at Ibaraki Hospital last night. After assaulting members of staff and loyal Kira supporters, he was overpowered by brave citizens." CCTV footage is playing now, fuzzy and seemingly-slow as if the figures in it are moving through water. A hospital corridor; two nurses talking in the foreground. A man in a white shirt, pushing through a cluster of dark-suited men - 

"It's Rester." Aizawa can just about recognise the man. One of Takada's people is calling out to him. He looks back at them, and then turns, pulling a gun - well, a block of pixels that's presumably a gun - from its holster and loosing off a shot. The nurses scream, scurry out of view. The other men are shouting, taking out their own weapons, and then all at once Rester is stumbling, and black blood has spattered itself across his arm and shoulder. He fires again - 

The footage vanishes, and Takada stares soberly out at them. Aizawa can feel his heart thumping and his palms are hot - what happened next, is Rester even still alive? - but underneath that there's wild relief that at least it wasn't Mogi and it may be cruel to think like that but right now he doesn't care. The SPK don't know where the notebook is. While it's only them who've been caught, there's still a chance that Kira might not win this. 

"Another of the sinners is believed to have been on the scene," Takada is continuing, "and has kidnapped a patient. Teru Mikami, a lawyer from Kyoto -" A picture of Mikami is displayed, his face blank and serious and bespectacled, almost unrecogniseable from the wild-eyed lunatic at the warehouse - "had been hospitalised after suffering a wound to the throat. Lord Kira urges us all to be vigilant following these acts of violence, and implores the NPA to take action before more innocent people are hurt." She pauses, and, if it's possible, her face becomes even more full of fake concern.

"In other news," she says, "the child of one of the fugitives has been kidnapped, as Kira's followers try any means they can to return the world to normal."

And that's _it._ All the planning and all the attempts to stay calm and see the positives and keep a cool head are useless because - because Raito's actually done it -

"The child's mother, Eriko Aizawa, appealed to her husband on NHN last night to give himself up and save the life of their youngest daughter."

And there's Eriko, her eyes reddened and her face blank and hopeless as if she can't bring herself to realise the full horror of what's going on. She stares out at him and then she says, "Shuichi... they took Youko away. Earlier this evening." Already her voice is cracking, but she lifts a hand and rubs it across her eyes - an untidy, childlike gesture. "They said it's... they say they'll give her back once you turn yourself in. I don't know what to do. If you can... please, help me, I don't... I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do..."

"While I understand the motivation behind such an act," Takada says, back on the screen now and looking so concerned that Aizawa actually wants to hit her, "I am very sorry that innocent women and children are suffering. I too would ask Shuichi Aizawa to give himself up in order to spare further pain to his family. I would also like our viewers to know that his wife and other child are under NHN's protection. While I am alive, nothing else will happen to them."

She pauses, and then starts going on about other things Kira wants the world to do. Aizawa waits, stares at her, but no more horrible things come out of nowhere and then the news has ended and Ide is flicking off the TV. He and Matsuda - who came back into the room at some point, is damp-haired and straightening his tie - are staring at him as if he's just said something insane. He scowls back at them, he didn't know this was going to happen, he didn't _tell_ Eriko to - he didn't _know_ \- 

"Come on," he says at last, and heads out of the room. 

They trail after him, and he can feel them watching him, waiting for him to acknowledge what they've just seen, but he can't, he _can't_ \- He sticks it out as they reach the foyer, as they quickly breakfast, as they trudge out into the cold, damp air, and then once they're in the car he can focus on driving safely, carefully, like someone whose biggest concern is making a meeting on time. But the silence sticks in his throat and after about fifteen minutes he has to say, "It's only me they want."

He tried to pick something calm and innocuous, he wanted to sound like he was still in control, but as he speaks the anger burns through him so strongly it feels like it'll snap him in two and he grips the wheel so hard his cold fingers ache. Ide, in the front passenger seat, must be able to tell how furious he is, but Ide might have been able to tell anyway. 

"You're not thinking of going back," he says now.

Aizawa didn't know what he was thinking of, but Ide's casual dismissal of the idea pisses him off enough that he can snarl, "What the hell else am I supposed to do? There's no way they got Eriko to lie for them! They can do _anything_ to Youko and -" 

"No, they can't," Ide snaps. "Anything they do they'll have to let you know about through NHN. They can't broadcast stuff about loyal Kira supporters killing a kid. Takada's not that stupid -"

"Yeah, so I'm sure if it comes down to it, she can think up a way of getting a message out!" 

"Well, what are you going to do, then?" Ide says. "Are you going to give yourself up? You know damn well they'll get the notebook's location out of you and then they'll get hold of it and then they'll kill all of us. That's it, Kira wins and every single thing we've done for the last five years is wasted. Kira wins and no one can stop him and, oh yeah, your family get to live in a world where everyone sees it's okay to hurt kids if it'll help Kira -"

"At least Youko _gets_ to live!" And as Aizawa yells it the terror pours over him and - Youko barely even knows who Kira _is,_ all she'll be thinking is that Mum and Dad are going to look after her - "And if they've got Eriko making appeals on TV, they've got her and Yumi somewhere where they can keep an eye on them too! Takada said they're _under her protection_ \- if they start killing them off one by one -" The thought of how likely that is to happen makes him feel so sick he has to stop speaking for a few seconds. "And don't give me that crap about how it'll look, Takada can spin it, she can say it was crazed Kira vigilantes or something - _we'll_ both know it was done under her orders -"

"If you go back," Ide says, "you'll get me and Matsuda and Mogi and the SPK killed."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Aizawa wants to carry on sounding angry, but he doesn't suddenly, he sounds despairing instead. He doesn't _want_ Kira to win, but - to cold-bloodedly decide that he'll let his daughter be killed - the way Eriko had gazed at him, pleading with him to sort this out... He can feel Ide watching him and he's just about to actually say _stop fucking staring at me_ or something equally short-tempered when Ide blurts out, "Look, there's something you need to know."

By his tone Aizawa suspects this is nothing he _wants_ to know, but he manages to make himself say, "What is it?" and if he sounds wary that's hardly his fault.

"I..." Ide has glanced away, and he actually sounds uncertain for a few seconds. "I've got a couple of pages from - from the notebook with me."

Matsuda gasps; Aizawa almost forgets for a second that he's the one controlling the car. 

"What?" he hears himself yell. " _Why_?"

"I don't... I thought it might be useful." Ide still doesn't look at him. Aizawa grits his teeth and tries not to think of anything but pulling off at the next exit and parking on the hard shoulder. There he lets go of the wheel and takes a deep breath and manages to say more or less without shouting, "Why, exactly, did you think it might be _useful_?"

Ide doesn't answer. He's scowling ahead at the frosty grass outside and Aizawa suddenly _is_ furious, how dare Ide start behaving as he expected gratitude?

"It only does one thing," he says. "I don't know about you, but I didn't set out expecting to murder anyone."

"I didn't _expect_ anything, all right? I just -"

"What, thought we could use it as a threat? A gun's not original enough any more?"

"I thought if it came down to it, we could save our skins that way!" Ide turns to look at him; he's pale, and the white light glistens in his skin. "All right? Raito wants us _dead,_ Aizawa. It doesn't matter what we try and do to him, he is going to have us killed the second he can do it without losing track of the notebook! Why the hell should we just sit back and let him do it?" 

"Because _we're_ not the ones who wipe out anyone causing us hassle!" Aizawa can feel the rage squeezing his chest and, under that, fear - _he's right - stop being so holier-than-thou, you know he's right_ \- he takes another breath of cold air and, trying to keep on with the level voice, carries on, "Or did you forget that's _why_ he wants us dead? Because we're in his way?"

"Give it a rest. I wouldn't have said anything if Takada wasn't threatening your daughter -"

Aizawa so nearly lashes out physically then - his arms actually ache with the effort of not doing so.

"You mean, you want to push the decision on to me," he says at last. His voice is still quiet, but it's choked with the effort of not yelling.

"I want you to know there might be an option that's not you giving yourself up or doing something equally stupid! Okay? God forbid I'd rather Raito and Takada bought it than you -"

"Like hell. You want to save your own skin. And then feel like we were all in it if you _do_ murder them."

Ide's eyes widen, but when he snaps back, "That's not true," it's thin and resentful, so Aizawa knows it is true, at least a bit. Maybe satisfaction shows in his face, because Ide, glancing away again - painfully casually - says, "You can go on all you want about how it's wrong, but I don't reckon your wife will buy it - not if Takada actually -"

" _Shut up,_ " Aizawa says, but he can hardly get the words out.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Ide's almost jeering now. "Burn it? Are you really going to say you're sure enough we can risk it? You can risk it?"

Aizawa so badly wants to say _go ahead. Do it._ That would prove he's not talking shit, and it would also remove any temptation to even consider doing what Ide's suggesting. He almost does say it, just to win the argument. But even as he opens his mouth, he can feel the fear gripping him. If they do get rid of it and then Takada... Youko and Yumi and Eriko have done _nothing,_ he can't sacrifice them to some moral debate, especially not when he _knows_ Raito and Takada have killed hundreds...

"Don't..." Ide begins, and then, "I'm not saying it's our only choice." He's talking too loudly. "Hell, they might have already put some - some contingency plan in place. She said that about your family being safe while she's alive... They might expect us to try this. But I don't think - if they actually do something to your kids then they must know they're risking that retaliation. They won't... they won't want to push you into - into that. They'll just want to make you give up because you can't take the guilt. I just - wanted you to know we don't have to, all right?"

Aizawa thinks _of course, it was just because you're so incredibly selfless,_ but it doesn't matter, does it? What matters is he's going to keep his mouth shut and treasure the knowledge that that paper is there, that it can be used if, if he wants it to be, and that Ide will wait until he asks so that then they're both complicit. The only comfort is that, as he pulls back onto the motorway, Ide looks as wretched as he feels.

***

Mogi's managed to get used to falling asleep in chairs when he has to, but it still always means that he awakes aching all over, his body protesting that it's more tired than when he went to sleep.

He stands up now, wincing at his sore back, and walks over to peer round the curtains, rubbing away the moisture speckling the glass. Outside, the sky is pale and white, the sun hardly visible. The air is clammy and cold, even with this tiny, closed window, and he lets the curtain drop back. 

Misa is curled up in the double bed, the ivory counterpane wrapped round her. Mogi glances at her; all he can really see is tangled blonde hair, but her breathing is slow and soft, so he figures he's still got some time to think. Not that he's got high hopes of being able to come up with anything that will solve the situation, but he should at least try.

He's not going to be able to keep Misa in the dark forever, not if he wants to keep himself informed of what Takada and Raito are doing. Well, is he? All right, Raito may not reveal himself as Kira, but Misa knows there are three people in the SPK, of course she does. Once she sees some news, she'll realise that her fiance isn't actually being included in the hunt, and, at the very least, she'll assume Mogi lied to her in order to get her on her own for one shady reason or another. And even if he can get her to believe that - that he acted for some non-Kira-related reason, because he cares about her in some respect (which he's not sure he can do) she'll still want to go back, find Raito, and do whatever will be most helpful to him. And by this point, she'll see no reason for loyalty to Mogi. Even if she discovers Raito living under Takada's protection, it won't stop her doing everything she can to show her devotion to him. It'll probably encourage her to be _more_ loyal, just to prove a point...

He could simply leave her. She's got money of her own. If he just got up and left he would be on his own, unobserved, and... all right, things probably wouldn't be much better but at least he wouldn't have to keep worrying about lying. But that's stupid, after he's come this far. She'll know right away he lied to her. If he stays with her for now, he'll be able to keep a watch on her a little longer. 

Misa sighs, rolls over, sits up a little. "Mochi... what time is it?"

"Quarter to nine."

"We should get going -" She rubs her eyes. "It'll cost a bomb if we stay any longer and..." A yawn. "You're supposed to keep moving when you're running away, right? Misa will take a shower." She scrambles out of bed, wanders across the room. 

"You slept all right?" he says, and realises he wants to underline to an invisible audience that he was far enough away from her all night that he wouldn't have known this. 

"Sort of. Worried about Raito." She stops, looks back at him. "What will we do if something has - if he has -"

"Don't think about that. It probably won't have happened yet anyway. Go and have your shower."

She nods, forces a smile. "Then we can come up with a plan!"

Once she's in the bathroom and he can hear the water running, he risks putting on the TV, keeping the sound low. He doesn't have to wait long before NHN run another Kiyomi Takada appeal. He sits and watches, sees Rester getting shot down, Aizawa's wife crying into the camera, and when the appeal finishes it's several seconds before he can remember to turn the TV off again. This is bad. Even if Aizawa doesn't give himself up right away, there's no guarantee that he won't later. He might well decide they're all dead anyway and he'd at least like to assure himself of his family's protection. And they've got Rester already - he'll be able to tell them that it's the task force who know where the notebook is -

"Mochi, can you get me my clothes?"

He blinks and goes over to do so, taking care not to look into the steamy, flower-scented bathroom. Misa giggles. After a bit, she walks back out again, dressed and brushing her hair. 

"You saw the news?" she says, more quietly.

"Yes. They've caught -" Her eyes widen, and he carries on quickly, "they've caught one of the SPK. Last night, I think. He was shot."

"Which one?" 

"Rester. The man sitting with us in the back -"

"I remember." Misa pouts a little. "He wasn't so bad. Not like that Lidner woman. He - he was shot? Is - are they trying to _kill_ -"

"No!" Mogi says, feeling the words stumble in his mouth, "I don't think so. I think they want to... ask us questions."

"That still won't be fun," Misa says, softly. 

Mogi doesn't really want to think about how not fun it will be, so he says instead, "I don't think the police are involved yet, so people won't know what I look like. And - and they didn't mention you, either, so it might only be Takada's people who'll be searching for you." He wonders why they didn't mention Misa; surely she's going to be the easiest to spot of everyone they're hunting for (except perhaps Mikami, if he's amnesiac and has a throat wound, but of course they have broadcast his image). But then, perhaps neither Takada nor Raito think that she'll be useful to them. She knows nothing about Kira, not now, and they may not know, yet, that he himself is with her. 

"Did they say anything else?" Misa says, sitting down next to him on the bed. "Mochi looks worried."

There's no point in hiding anything from Misa that he doesn't have to, so he says, "Aizawa's wife and children... I think NHN's taken them into custody. They're saying that the younger one's been kidnapped, that she'll only be returned if - if Aizawa gives himself up, but I think NHN are behind it."

"Do you think he will?" Misa says. "I mean... if he does..."

"I don't know." Of course, Aizawa knows that Mogi has gone off with Misa. If he _does_ turn himself in - 

"Poor Monchichi," Misa says, her voice oddly subdued. "Mochi - if he does, then they'll..." Her voice trails off, and she shivers. "Well... perhaps they won't. Monchichi's pretty stubborn. Do you think -" She stops, bites her lip.

"I don't know. Perhaps he'll stay in hiding," Mogi says, trying to sound reassuring. 

"His family will be scared, though," Misa says. For a moment, she's quiet, as if something's occurred to her, but then she flicks back her hair, and says, "I hate that Kiyomi. She's just the kind of person to do something that mean. Okay - seriously, Mochi, what are we going to do now?" She swings her feet, kicking her heels against the side of the bed. "We need to find Raito, I guess..."

"I - I know, but... the most important thing is to keep you safe. And it's going to be riskier the more we move around."

"Hmm. Okay. Well, they're not looking for me. You said. They're looking for a bunch of guys who could be police officers. _Also_ -" Misa holds up a finger, winks - "if they see a shy-looking guy like Mochi with a pretty girl like Misa, they'll think that those two are up to something _completely_ different."

Mogi feels himself blush a little and wishes he wasn't. "I - yes?"

Misa giggles. "So-oo, we don't want to act like we're on the run like criminals, we want to act like we're eloping or something. Don't we? Then if anyone sees us acting odd, they'll figure that's why. Misa can make herself look different, so people don't recognise her right away, then we just keep a low profile. Raito will understand. And I'm sure he's working on a plan right now, and he'll probably send a signal somehow, tell us where he is. All we need to do is stay hiding until that happens, and if the others don't get caught, we should be okay."

Mogi wants to argue simply because he's _not that kind of guy,_ but he has to admit that Misa's suggestion makes sense. At the moment, no one is looking for a Japanese couple furtively booking into love hotels. And it was Misa who suggested this, not him; clearly the idea that he might behave inappropriately to her has not crossed her mind (and, of course, he isn't _going_ to, he just doesn't want her to feel as if he's coerced her into a situation she'll find uncomfortable.)

And it isn't as if he has a better plan. 

"All right," he says. 

"Great!" Misa punches the air triumphantly. "Okay, we have to think about where we can go. What would you do if you were running off with another man's wife, Mochi?"

"Just... uh... just running off for a night, or... or for a longer period of time?"

"Well, Misa would _hope_ it's not just for a night. That wouldn't be gentlemanly at all." She winks at him, and he feels himself turn red. For god's sake, he needs to get a grip. She's a friendly, pretty girl and she's making a joke. That's all.

"I... I really don't know," he says, just to say _something._ "I suppose... if I had a friend who was out of town, I might ask him if we could use his flat." His mouth is going dry. "But - I don't think anyone is going to be too keen for me to visit them right now."

"Family? They wouldn't turn you in, right?" 

"There's only my parents." Mogi imagines turning up with a girl more than ten years younger than him in tow. "They must be worried already, and there's no way they'd be able to keep a lie going, if they were asked." But perhaps that's just selfishness. His parents would insist on knowing what was really going on, and he doesn't want them dragged into this. Look at what's happened to Aizawa's family already.

"You don't have -" he begins, and then wants to kick himself, of _course_ Misa doesn't have -

"Well..." She chews on her lip, frowning. "Misa has a sister."

"You do?"

"Uh-huh. We don't talk much, but..." She shifts, clasps and unclasps her hands. "We should go find someone who doesn't know _you,_ right? Seeing as you're the one who's been announced. And I don't... I don't have anyone else."

"If you think she would be all right with it, then - that sounds a good idea."

Misa shrugs, gets to her feet. "She won't be happy. But she won't turn us in. And... it's not like we've got a choice. So we've got to go if we want to protect Raito." She's subdued again. Mogi can never tell whether she's hiding more when she's like this or when she's perky, happy Misa-Misa talking in the third person. As always, he stays silent; she'll choose whether to brighten up or not. She wouldn't have suggested the idea if she weren't prepared to follow through with it. And if he's using her to stay hidden, at least he's not making any promises to her to convince her to help. Just keeping back one key detail of their situation.

***  
Gevanni has always been able to survive on relatively little sleep, whether the night involves partying, creating an accurate forgery of a killer notebook, or, as in this case, driving all night down anonymous Japanese freeways. Mikami seemed shaken by the incident at the hospital; at any rate, he was silent, he surrendered his phone to Gevanni without argument, and when they stopped at a service station for Gevanni to grab some coffee, Gevanni said, "Would you like to try and sleep for a while? You could lie down in the back of the car." After a few seconds, Mikami nodded, dully, as if he didn't really care either way, and while he may not have fallen asleep he hasn't stirred until now, when the sun is finally rising.

"Where are we?" he says, sitting up. His voice is still raspy and faint, as if he's got larygnitis. Gevanni wonders if that's going to wear off or if Mikami's actually permanently damaged his vocal cords. Still, it's not like he can afford to worry. At least the guy is still able to breathe.

"I'm not sure. I was just trying to get as far out of Tokyo as possible." 

"Have you been driving all night?" Mikami doesn't ask it as if he's concerned, but just as if someone told him it's the correct line to come out with.

"Yes. Don't worry, I'm used to it."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Stephen Gevanni." Mikami will have lost the Eyes now, won't he? If he hadn't he'd have had some questions about the words and numbers he could see floating in the air. "I'm an FBI agent." He glances at his companion in the mirror; Mikami's eyes widen.

"America - America pledged their support to Kira," he says at last, warily.

"Yes."

"You said that you'd tell me what was going on." Mikami sits up a little, crosses his arms. 

There is no point in telling Mikami the truth, not right now, not when the guy could get in touch with Takada and bring the wrath of NHN down on Gevanni's head. A stray thought points out that if he'd ditched Mikami at the hospital he wouldn't be in this mess, but he ignores it. There is no way he's losing track of the guy, and no way he's letting him get back in touch with Yagami. 

He'll just have to come up with a convincing story, that's all.

"All right." (Keep your voice steady) "You support Kira, don't you?"

"Kira is God."

"After you'd been to some of the Sakura TV events, you were contacted by a man claiming to be Kira. He promised you that you'd be able to help him in his work, that you could help him build his new world. He told you to come to the Yellow Box Warehouse on January 28th, where he planned to wipe out people he claimed were his enemies. But when you got there..." Gevanni glances up again at the mirror to see Mikami's expression, but it's the typical blank, watchful stare. "When you got there, things didn't go as this man wanted. You and him were both arrested, and you realised that he wasn't the God you'd thought he was. He'd lied to you. You stabbed yourself in the throat because of that, I think - you were ashamed. But then Kiyomi Takada's followers showed up. I think they wanted to capture this man as well; they were angry that he'd made the real Kira look bad. Or perhaps they thought that he _was_ the real Kira. Anyway, they took him from us."

A long pause. Gevanni keeps his eyes on the road. Sunlight sparkles off the other vehicles - it's going to be a bright morning. In the back of his mind, he's wishing the car heating worked properly. His toes are growing numb. Mikami needs to believe him. Gevanni does not want to have to do something - decisive, let's say, no matter how much easier it would be were he on his own - 

Damn it. Rester gave him an objective to fulfil and that's what he's going to do. They may have had their leader killed and one of their number captured and their identities broadcast on national television but that doesn't give Gevanni an excuse to - to give up. Mikami is a security risk and he's also a mass murderer. And if he goes back to Yagami, Yagami will probably get him to make the shinigami eye deal again or something, and Kira doesn't need _more_ resources.

"Why did I believe this man?" Mikami says at last.

"I don't know the details -"

"No," Mikami says, fiercely. "You must know. You must know and you have to tell me how I could do something like that -" He's leaning forward now; Gevanni can smell the antiseptic and crumpled clothes. "I'm not that stupid; why would I believe in a false god simply because he told me to?"

Gevanni's acutely conscious that Mikami is capable of trying to strangle him, or similar, and send them flying off the road and into the nearest wall. (Steady. Defuse it) 

"I'm going to pull over," he says. "I'll pull over, and explain what I know. All right?"

Silence, so Gevanni keeps going until he spots a layby and parks the car there. (Think round the problem; don't go for the obvious) He turns to face Mikami, and says, "Would you like to come and sit in the front? Then we can talk face-to-face and I won't get a crick in my neck." After a few seconds, Mikami nods, and opens the passenger door. Gevanni wonders what he'll do if the man makes a run for it, but then, where exactly can you go when you're in the middle of a freeway? And when Mikami has settled into the other front seat, Gevanni realises it was a stupid thing to think; Mikami wants answers too much by now.

"All right. I really don't know exactly how this happened, and I'm sorry about that. It could easily be that this man was himself in contact with the real Kira, and had access to information that allowed him to predict certain high-profile deaths." He watches Mikami, to see how he'll take that; Mikami's face doesn't change, so he carries on, "Besides, my understanding is that you simply went to meet him." He almost says _you did nothing else wrong_ before he catches up with himself. For god's sake, he's only _in_ this situation because Mikami's killed literally hundreds of people. The fact that he did it solely because he believed he was doing good doesn't make it any better.

(You really want to blame Yagami for everything, don't you?)

More like it's too dangerous to start thinking about what Mikami's done and how bad a person that might make him. This is going to be rough on him as it is; Gevanni doesn't want to find himself taking pleasure in the guy's fear and confusion. _This is a job. That's all it is._ (Fulfil the objectives. No need to think about the big picture.)

"But I believed," Mikami says at last, the words choking from his damaged throat.

"Yes."

Mikami's fingers go to the wound, brush the dressings.

"I looked it up," he says, abruptly. "How to kill myself using a pen. I - I knew that I might have to - I don't know why, but - I didn't do it right. It hurt. I thought that wouldn't matter but it did. It did. If what you're telling me is true, I should have died, and I failed in that, too."

"No! You were lied to, that's all! Nobody thinks you should have died. Don't talk like that."

"Why is Takada-san looking for me?" Mikami says. "She..." He frowns. "I was meeting with her. I don't... I don't remember what we talked about, but..."

"You remember that she supports Kira as well?"

"Yes."

"I believe she was trying to find the real Kira too. I think -" (concern; wariness) "- she believes you've betrayed him."

" _No!_ How could she? Couldn't she _see_ -" Mikami stops, wincing, presses a hand to his throat.

"Be careful," Gevanni says. "You don't want to burst the stitches. I could be wrong, anyway. It could be that she's decided to ally herself with the fake, and knows that you know too much."

"She wouldn't do that." It obviously hurts Mikami to get the words out, but he says them anyway. "She is loyal to Kira, I know it... I - I don't know _how_ I know, but I'm sure of it..."

He trails off.

"It's all right," Gevanni says, as encouragingly as he can. "You could be right. Perhaps she thinks the fake is the real Kira, you know? Perhaps she thinks that's who she's supporting. He's a good liar."

Mikami swallows. At last, he whispers, "And what did you want?"

(make him think you're the only one he can trust)

"I wanted to find the real Kira. I still do." (Not exactly a lie.) "That's why I was following you. I knew we both want the same things. But I don't want to die either, and right now, with Takada-san telling the world I'm an enemy of Kira -" 

"The FBI were against Kira, when he came to this world." 

"That was five years ago! You know how much things have changed since. Look, I - I know you won't remember, but we've talked about this before." What the hell is he doing? Is there _any_ chance this will work? But he's started now - "I know you're a good man. I know how hard you've always worked to do the right thing. You told me to stick by you; you were positive you'd find the real Kira."

Mikami turns away. 

"I don't remember anything like that," he says, but he sounds resigned more than anything else, as if he knows he doesn't remember a lot. "I... I'm not saying that it isn't true, but I just... I need to talk to Takada-san. She'll know what happened. She'll listen to me."

Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice concerned, "Will she?" The cars keep on rushing past them. He thinks suddenly that they probably look suspicious, sitting parked by the side of a freeway. If anyone comes to look and sees that he isn't Japanese, things could go to hell very fast. 

"You're not yourself at the moment," he says, keeping his voice low and soothing. "I mean, you've forgotten so much - you've forgotten talking to me, you've forgotten that you trusted me. Who's to say you haven't forgotten vital information about Takada, too? Give it time, and your memories might come back - or at any rate, some of them. Whereas if you go back now, and it turns out that Takada-san has betrayed Kira after all... right now, we could be the only ones who know the truth."

"I... I can't..."

"Please, Mikami-san? Don't risk it."

Mikami hunches over, gripping his arms, and Gevanni realises how much he's shaking.

"I can't," he whispers again. "I can't, it's - it's all different, nothing makes _sense_ \- I need - I need to -"

"Ssh." Gevanni leans over, puts a hand on the man's shoulder. "It's all right. I'll look after you."

"Nothing is _right!_ "

"I know. I'm sorry." 

"I don't want to run away," Mikami says, gritting his teeth. "I want to do what's right. This isn't right."

(be kind)

"We're not going to keep running. We'll go back as soon as it's safe. I promise."

Which is probably something he'll come to regret. But hey, what's one more lie? And they're comforting; they create an alter-ego, and Gevanni can just think about that guy's emotions and view of the situation instead. It saves on stress, at any rate.

Mikami stares at him, and, when he nods and smiles, breathes out a little, and stops digging his nails into his skin. They drive on.


	3. Dependence

Gevanni has been watching the clock for about two hours now. The orange numbers keep blurring, and he's becoming conscious of the movement of his eyes when he glances down and then glances back. The shadows on the road keep lying flat or turning white if he doesn't blink. And the top of his spine and his arms and his ankles ache, but he tuned that out a while back. Okay, he's seriously going to have to stop before he kills them both. 

Mikami's been quiet since their last conversation; staring blankly out, or scratching absently at the dressings on his throat. (Going to have to take care of that, too.) 

"Right -" Gevanni hears his voice dry and stale as the air in here - "I'm going to have to take a break."

Mikami looks round at him. "Where are we going to go?"

"We can pull off at the next service station. I can get some coffee at least."

Mikami frowns. "You've been driving for over twelve hours now."

"Yeah, I know."

"It isn't safe."

"Well, I don't know what else to do. I don't think it's safe for us to check in anywhere." He pulls off the freeway, eases the car into the service station. It's bathed in cold sunlight; for a moment that's all he can see, and he blinks, hard. 

"Why not?"

"They'll be looking out for you, and I'm not Japanese. They'll ask questions." He feels slowed-down, as if he's only a time-delay from the US. He leans forward a little, resting his head on the steering wheel, and exhaustion crawls up his body so quickly that he realises he's this close to falling asleep. Shit.

"Then you should sleep in the car," Mikami says, calmly, sounding like the most reasonable travelling companion alive apart from the hoarseness of his voice. "You are not safe to drive, Gevanni-san."

Gevanni doesn't exactly want to say _yes, but that still means you could disappear while I'm napping._ It goes against the atmosphere of trust he's making a stab at creating. In the end he says, "What, and let you drive?"

"I can't drive." Mikami glances away, down at his feet, at his still neatly-polished shoes. "Surely you already know that."

"I - I know I never saw you, but you live in a city, I guess I -" He massages his forehead, glad that at least it's cold enough that his fingers are cool. "Sorry. How come?"

"I have never needed to," Mikami says, in a tone that doesn't invite further questioning. "We can park somewhere secluded and you can sleep for a short while. I'll wait."

Gevanni doesn't like this and every instinct is yelling at him that it's dangerous, but he suspects that at least a few of those instincts are being powered by lack of sleep, and it isn't like a chance to rest is likely to turn up if he waits long enough. In the end he nods, and carries on to the parking lot, managing to duck into a space that's a reasonable distance from any other vehicles.

"Just twenty minutes," he says. "Wake me."

Mikami nods. 

Gevanni leans back in the seat, letting his arms slump to his sides - which feels way too good - and closes his eyes. Almost immediately, or so it seems, the tiredness rushes up again, black and heavy and cutting his mind off from his body, letting it float in darkness. He's too tired even to worry about the situation now - disconnected thoughts like _Rester_ and _Mikami_ and _Kira_ and _Near_ float through his mind, but they don't lead to anything, they just hang there, letting him know that they're going to be important when he opens his eyes. 

Eventually, they stop meaning anything.

Just as he feels he's falling, something drags him back. Words. Fast talking, music; he blinks, opens his eyes. His neck's stiff. The radio. Mikami has switched on the radio - it is twenty minutes, exactly, since he closed his eyes - Mikami has switched on the radio, and they're talking about him.

"- _continuing the search for the six. NHN reports that two are American, and members of the disbanded US anti-Kira group, Special Provision for Kira. The other four are former Japanese police officers. One of the Americans is believed to have kidnapped a Kyoto lawyer, Teru Mikami_ -"

Gevanni sits up, looks round. His mind feels fresh and light and he's fully aware of how much shit he could now be in. Mikami is staring at him. He's gone white.

"You lied to me," he says.

"No -"

"You lied and you're lying now! You're trying to make me forget, you're trying to lead me into sin - and I _believed_ -" 

He's leaning round, scrabbling with the doorhandle. Gevanni's reached for his gun before he realises, is pointing it, is wondering what it would be like to drive for another twelve hours with a corpse as a passenger.

"Mikami," he says, "please listen."

Mikami actually smiles, miserably. "Of course. You're using force to make yourself righteous, just like everyone else."

"No. I just can't let you leave, do you understand? Listen to me!" He can't lose track of Mikami. (He'll get back to NHN. Give you away.) He can do this. He knows he can.

"I don't care if you kill me. It's better to die pure than to live in sin, I don't care -" Mikami's fingers scrabbling on the handle. It's only his shock that's stopped him fleeing.

" _Listen!_ " Gevanni lets a angry edge creep into his voice, as if the way this situation plays out actually matters to him. Mikami stares at him, and Gevanni carries on, "Please." (All right, let's see how well you can act.) "I can't just let you walk back into danger. You're - you're my friend."

Silence. Mikami evidently wasn't expecting this. He's gone very still, his eyes darting over Gevanni's face, looking for lies.

"I don't have friends," he says.

"That's not what I said. I said I count _you_ as a friend. I count you as someone whose sense of justice is strong enough that I can trust him completely. Someone who doesn't lie or act fake to get what they want. And I'm not going to let you get yourself killed now." (Corny.) 

Mikami's mouth falls open and he gazes at Gevanni as confused and awed as if Gevanni's claiming he can do magic. 

"But we never spoke," he says, slowly, hesitantly. "I swear I can't remember us ever talking."

Gevanni swallows, makes himself smile ruefully. "Yeah, I get that. You can't remember a lot. I'm not... I'm not angry about it. But I need to keep you safe."

"You could... you could just be saying this. To keep me on your side."

"What else can I do? I know I don't have any proof that what I'm saying is true. But we both know that Takada is controlling the media." (Quiet and calm and not guilty, not guilty at all.) "Of course she wants to make it sound like we're all anti-Kira. Especially me, seeing as I'm not even Japanese. It might be that she wants to provoke this reaction, that she's trying to get you to come back here of your own accord. She knows how concerned you are to do the right thing."

Mikami watches him, wide-eyed. His hands, still on the door, have gone still.

"Please, Mikami-san," Gevanni says. "You don't know where you are. You can't drive, and you're still injured. And if you do make your way back to Takada, and she uses you to betray Kira, it won't just be her you'll need to run away from. Stick with me now, and there's _only_ me. And I swear, we both want the same things."

Mikami is shaking a little.

"I know there's a lot of gaps in your memories. She can use those. She knows you."

"So do you," Mikami whispers.

"Yes. And you know me. Well, you did. You used to know you could trust me. It's your call, okay? It's who you trust more, me or Takada. But if you pick her -" (Sorry; pained) "Look, I don't want to shoot you. But I can't let you screw up the real Kira's chances. I can't - I can't let feelings come before doing what's right."

That's it, the killer blow. Because Mikami would be equally willing to destroy a friend if he believed it was justice. The man bites his lip, gives one last desperate glance out of the window, but then slumps, putting his face in his hands, breath shaking. In his head, Gevanni breathes a slow sigh of relief. He starts the car, and drives back onto the freeway. In the bigger picture, he may be screwed, but right now, he can convince himself he's still holding things together.

***  
Mogi was worried that catching the train to Kansai was risky - if not because they'd be visible and observed, because Misa might pick up a newspaper - but she didn't seem interested in investigating the news. He bought her a magazine, but she only flicked listlessly through it, spending most of her time staring out of the window.

They arrive mid-afternoon, but she insists on window-shopping, showing Mogi where she used to go for ice cream after school, where she once almost got caught shoplifting chocolate, where she got her ears pierced. As the sky gets darker and the air bites down on them, he feels her trembling, hears her voice grow higher and louder. She's obviously trying to put off visiting her sister, but even though he'd like to get off the streets and out of sight he hasn't the heart to force her. Besides, if anyone is following them, it will throw them off the scent as to their destination. Perhaps. 

He tries to remind himself that this isn't about doing what's best for Misa, it's about defeating Kira and keeping the notebook away from him. Just because being kind to her may _feel_ like the most important thing - and why should it, anyway, their relationship is entirely built on fake professionalism - why is he even thinking like this -

"So your sister never left this area?" he says at one point. 

"No." Misa is staring at a window display, folding the hem of her top into pleats as she does so. "She's a lot older than me, though. You know, more settled."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she's twelve years older than me." A sudden smile as she giggles and winks at him: "She'll probably freak out when I turn up on her doorstep with my secret lover in tow! I can't wait to see her face."

Mogi hastily glances at the streetlight flickering against the sky, knowing he's blushing again. "If you think she won't be happy about it -"

He sees, out of the corner of his eye, Misa wave a dismissive hand. "Hey, if she won't let us stay with her we can find a hotel. At least -" She lowers her voice a bit, and he turns to look at her - "at least we're out of Tokyo, right? I mean - Mochi really thinks this is the right thing to do?"

Mogi makes himself look at her. "Yes." And he's almost sure it's not a lie.

Eventually, when all the shops have closed and Misa's hands are so cold that Mogi can feel the chilliness of her fingers even through his coat sleeve, she shrugs and says, "Hey, Mochi... I guess we should get going."

"Is your sister's home far?"

"Not so much."

She huddles into her coat now, silent, staring at her feet. The air's bitingly cold, and the streetlights blur and frost in the mist. 

"Mochi's okay? Misa wanted to... to look round the town again."

"I'm okay." He wants to ask her why she's afraid, but he doesn't think he can. He's always preferred to pretend he isn't scared when something unnerving happens, and disliked it when someone draws attention to his unease. He can do Misa the same favour.

Her sister lives in an apartment not far from the city centre. The ceilings are low and the walls are thick, meaning that they walk through a corridor of silence. Misa walks more slowly, feet dragging, heels of her boots echoing _tap tap_ on the bare floor.

""My sister might be rude to us," she says. "She's sort of... she sort of doesn't like me very much."

"Why not?"

"Ohh... when I left for Tokyo, we had a fight." She tosses her head a bit, her ponytail jumping. "You know. I sort of haven't actually talked to her much since."

"What did you fight about?"

"Things..." Misa sounds absent. She's got her back to Mogi now, pausing on the landing as if she's not sure of the route. "Kira. She'd just got divorced, you know? She was totally jealous of me because I was still young and had my whole life ahead of me. And I'm way prettier than her too."

"How - how does she feel about Kira?"

Misa shrugs. "I don't know. Don't care. She just had a massive fight with me for no reason. So, I'm just saying, she might say a bunch of stuff about me that isn't true. Or think I'm pretending about Raito, or something. Just... Mochi trusts me, right?"

"Of - of course."

Misa gives a triumphant grin, and turns back to face him. 

"Yeah, I should have known," she says. "Mochi's a good guy."

She takes a few quick strides, stops outside one of the apartments, and rings the doorbell. They wait, her clutching his arm. She seems absent, now, as if she's remembering something else. Perhaps she isn't scared. Perhaps she's only remembering her childhood, her parents. It must be difficult for her, coming back, to Mogi's knowledge for the first time since the murders. He should stop seeing fear, weakness, where there might not be any. He'd only be looking for it so that he could protect her.

The door opens a little way, revealing one side of a woman's face. Thinner than Misa, clearly older, with a sharp mouth and straight dark hair tied back in a ponytail. She stares at them, her mouth falling open - blinks a few times. Then her face tightens.

"Why exactly are you here?" she says, at last, her voice stiff.

"Aww, come on, is that any way to say hi to me again? I mean it's been _ages._ " Misa's nails are digging into Mogi's arm.

"For god's sake, Misa, stop trying to be charming and tell me why you're here." She looks tired, and angry, but under that there is an edge of fear. What's she scared of? "If - if you just dropped in for a visit, well, I'm sorry, but I'm very busy at the moment -"

"No, no, Fuyumi, wait, please -" Misa actually dives forward to stick her foot in the door. "Misa just wanted to see you again! Nothing bad's happened, I promise!" Her voice is growing higher with nerves. Fuyumi glances away from her, and meets Mogi's eyes. She looks suddenly furious; Mogi wonders if it's because this reunion is happening in front of a stranger. Whatever it might be, it's starting to look very much as though they'll have to give up on Fuyumi's hospitality if things continue as they are, so he steps forward a little, bows, lets himself sound like he very much wants to charm her. Lying is a bit easier when you're doing it in a voice that thinks it oozes charm. "My apologies for not introducing myself, Amane-san. My name is Kanichi Moji; I'm Misa-Misa's manager. It's very nice to meet you."

Fuyumi blinks. "Her manager? Really?"

"Of course really," Misa says. "Why do you have to be so rude?"

"Well, it's not like we've spoken recently. This guy could be anyone -"

"Oh, so now Misa's a slut, is that it -"

Mogi hastily takes one of the business cards he carries in his manager persona and presents it to Fuyumi, bowing again for good measure. 

"See," Misa says smugly. 

"Hm. All right. Pleased to meet you, Moji-san," Fuyumi says, but she doesn't look at him now, she keeps her eyes on Misa. "Now do tell me, how I can be of assistance to the famous Misa-Misa and her manager?"

"Well..." Misa glances coquettishly up at the ceiling. "Actually, Fuyumi, Misa actually needs a little bit of help..."

"Oh. Really."

"You see..." Misa is twisting her fingers round each other. "Misa kind of needs a place to stay."

"Excuse me?"

"Misa... I sort of had... had a fight..." 

Her voice dries up. Mogi, glancing at her, sees that her mouth is trembling.

"What Misa-Misa would like to say," he says, gently, "is that she and her fiance have unfortunately had some differences, and she felt it was best to put some space between them."

"And, and too many people know both of us!" Misa says, smile brightening a little. "Him and I, I mean. So it just seemed really tough on him if I were to stay in Tokyo. Mochi kindly offered to go with me. You know, to keep me safe?"

"Really." Fuyumi glances from Misa to Mogi, frowns. Mogi wonders how nervous they're both looking; how desperate. 

"What were these differences about, by the way?" Fuyumi asks, and her eyes dart down the corridor like she's expecting someone else to come down it.

"Oh... you don't need to know."

"What does that mean, exactly?" Fuyumi says, an edge of bitterness in her voice. "That if I _did_ know, there's no way I'd let you over the doorstep?"

Mogi expects Misa to come back with another retort, but she only takes a deep, shaking breath and says, "It isn't - _please,_ Fuyumi - it isn't anything bad, I just need your help..." Mogi thinks it's genuine. Misa's still clutching his arm like she's about to faint, at any rate.

Fuyumi stares at her and then all at once she steps back, lets the door swing open. As they walk inside, she quickly closes it, and Mogi sees that she puts the chain on. 

"By the way," she says, running a hand through her hair like she's getting a headache already, "is Moji-san remaining with you, Misa, or did he just want to see you delivered here safely?"

"Mochi's my manager," Misa says. "He needs to stay with me. What if a call came in about a shoot? Besides, it's dark now."

"So you're in fact asking for me to put _both_ of you up."

"Mochi is staying with me," Misa says, eyes narrowing. "He didn't have to come with me, but he did, because he's _nice._ I'm not telling him to go and find a hotel."

Fuyumi looks at him again, and he can see the questions in her face, but in the end she only shrugs, and, turning away, says, "Well, by all means make yourself at home. I'm sorry the place is so untidy, but if you had called ahead..."

The flat isn't, in fact, untidy at all, but it is very small, with kitchen area, rice cooker, television, and little bookcase crammed into the room they're now standing in. Misa's pulling her coat off, eyes darting round the room nervously. 

"Will there be enough room for us both?" Mogi says. "Misa and I can always -"

"Don't be silly, Mochi, it'll be fine," Misa says. "Fuyumi will have some spare futons, we can just sleep here."

"Of course you will," Fuyumi says, and now she's staring at Misa's hand still on Mogi's arm. She looks scornful, but she doesn't look as frightened. Whatever she was fearing, it wasn't just that her sister was bringing a boyfriend home. 

"For your information," Misa says, flicking her hair back, "Misa is happy to share a room with Mochi. When we're on location we share a room _all the time._ Misa can trust Mochi."

Mogi can feel himself blushing. It probably helps; probably makes it more convincing that what they're lying about is just an affair. He wishes he'd had a chance to look at the news; how much could Fuyumi know? She must be aware of Misa's old fascination with Kira. On the other hand, she hasn't brought it up outright, so perhaps that will buy them some time. Misa is clutching his arm even more, smirking at her sister; the gesture makes him think of how she behaves with Raito, and he's suddenly too hot, and too conscious of her fingers against his sleeve. It is a _cover story,_ he thinks at himself, furiously, it is _not real._

Fuyumi sighs - a short, sharp sigh - and snaps, "Do you know what, Misa? I don't care. You can do what you want. You always have before. I'll get some futons, and then I'll stay in my bedroom and the two of you can have privacy."

"Good," Misa says, snuggling against Mogi's arm a little. "That's all I wanted. Do you have any food?"

"We can get some takeaway," Mogi says hastily. "Amane-san is welcome to join us."

In the end Fuyumi does eat with them, not looking at either of them and giving a clear impression of cold fury without saying a word. Misa chatters away about celebrity parties and gossip columns, not seeming to mind that neither of her dinner companions are responding. After the meal has been finished and the cardboard containers tidied away, Fuyumi brings out futons and then disappears into the other room, saying over her shoulder as she does, "Don't keep me awake. I have work in the morning." But the door is only closed hard, not slammed. Mogi suspects Misa would have slammed it.

They lay out the futons and Misa goes into the bathroom to change into her nightclothes. When she comes back out, she seems more subdued, her hair loose and hanging round her face. She comes to sit down on her futon, huddles up with her knees pressed to her chest.

"Mochi hasn't got any pyjamas," she says at last.

"I... no. It's all right."

She giggles. "It's too cold to sleep nude, isn't it?" Her laughter trails off, though.

"Mochi," she says at last, "What will we do if... if they don't stop looking for us?"

Mogi considers the possible answers to that question, but all he can say is the truth: "I don't know."

"No." She smiles, sadly. "I guess not. Misa will sleep now, okay?"

"Sure."

But when the lights are off and they're both lying down, with the smell of the takeaway still hanging in the air and faint, washed-out moonlight on one wall, he hears her shifting about, sighing. The stupid parts of his mind tell him she's deliberately making her worry obvious, that she wants him to reassure her, but he knows that's ridiculous. She doesn't need his protection. She's reasonably good at protecting herself. Or, at any rate, employing enough determination to hide any fear she might be feeling. He has admired that about her, the way she will face down anything if it threatens something important to her, but at the same time he wants to know how scared she is underneath, whether she ever feels as nervous and awkward as he does, and, if so, how she covers it up. 

"Raito can look after himself," he says softly, and it occurs to him that if he manages to survive this then that will suggest that Raito has been imprisoned; killed; neutralised, at any rate. Something that, if it happens, will destroy Misa. He feels a little sick. It isn't just that he's lying to her - he's using her, indirectly, to carry out her worst nightmare. He can ponder all he wants how dangerous Raito is and how bad he is for Misa, but the fact remains that if he himself is going to end up on the winning side, Misa is going to end up devastated.

"I know," she says. "But Misa wants to look after him. He was hurt, you said. He could be on his own. And I'm just... hiding."

"This is what he'd want," Mogi says, feeding her the lines as if they're in a play. "He wants to know that you're all right."

"Yes," Misa says, nodding a little. "Yeah. I can be brave for him. Misa's _always_ brave for him. I just..." She looks over at him; in the moonlight she looks very tired. "You see what she's like? You see what I had to put up with?"

Mogi keeps silent, and Misa smiles, a little. "Well. I guess I can't expect you to talk about her behind her back. She just... she thinks everything is my fault. If I _did_ tell her what had happened, she wouldn't understand if was Kiyomi who did it, she'd say I should have seen it coming." A pause, then, as if she's decided to explain everything: "You know why? You know why she thinks that way? Because of what happened. I mean, with our parents. She assumes that if things go wrong, then it's somebody's fault. I mean... if things go wrong for _you,_ it's _your_ fault. She went on and on about how we should have - should have locked the back door that night. Like _that's_ the important -" She stops; with an effort, she seems to pull herself together, curl up in the futon, hair hanging around her face. "How could I ever have brought Raito here? Raito's family are all so nice. He wouldn't want to deal with her. With all this stuff." Her voice shakes a little. "Misa doesn't really want to deal with it either."

Mogi badly wants to put an arm round her, or take her hand: _do_ something comforting, because there's no way he'll be able to say anything. Except perhaps _I am so sorry._ He tries to keep breathing sensibly and he tells himself that Misa is not broken, that she's strong and that even if the worst happens she will come through it. And that it isn't as if he's the one responsible for her happiness anyway. Raito's the one who has that duty (who knows he has it and doesn't, Mogi suspects, really care.) 

"She doesn't get it," Misa says, more quietly. "She thinks that if bad things happen to good people, it makes _them_ bad. She doesn't see that... you know, bad people do the bad things and they're the ones whose fault it is. They're the ones who should be punished." She looks over at him; a shy smile. "It's okay, Misa doesn't like Kira any more. Misa likes what Raito likes."

It's like a light has been switched on and chased away the moonlight. Mogi manages a smile back, moves to pull the covers over himself, because for god's sake, what's wrong with him that he's thinking of Misa as the eternal victim in all of this? Misa came to Tokyo for a reason, and he and the rest of the task force are pretty sure they know what it was. He wonders if Fuyumi has some inkling, if that was why she seemed almost frightened. At any rate, Misa has got away with any number of deaths. There's no reason he needs to be thinking of more things to offer her. 

***  
The sun has set; streetlights along the side of the road are lit up, cold white, the only things bright enough to be real.

Ide can feeling his brain trying to tell him it's okay to fall asleep. Well, it is, technically, seeing as Aizawa's the one driving; Matsuda has already given up the ghost and is curled up on the back seat, head half-under his jacket. But Aizawa looks just as tired as Ide feels and dying in a car crash would be a ridiculous way to go, considering how many people are out to kill them.

"We should stop soon," he says instead.

"Don't be stupid."

Well, at least Aizawa's willing to talk to him. "I'm not. We can't drive all night."

"The longer we stop anywhere, the more dangerous it's going to be." Aizawa scowls at the radio, which is currently hissing out some idol singer's latest. "Not to mention if we stop and then they release photos - the NPA are happy to let them kidnap people, they'll be fine with providing ID of us as soon as Raito asks -"

"Then we should stop while we still know it's safe. You look done in."

"I've had enough of your concern for my welfare, all right?" Aizawa snaps. 

For god's sake. Ide doesn't want another fight, but he lets Aizawa see his contempt for that remark before he turns away, stares out of the window at the dark banks rushing past them. 

They've said pretty much nothing since the discussion this morning. Ide tells himself he prefers it that way, he doesn't need people having a go at him for trying to help, but the silence filling the car has left him with lots of space to think about their situation and how bad it is. Oh, and to listen to NHN, and to the constant clips of Eriko's plea that keep getting repeated. Aizawa's gone paler and paler and once or twice Ide thought he was actually going to lose it right then and there, do a U-turn in the middle of the motorway and start heading back towards Tokyo. He didn't, of course, but he spoke less and less and so Ide and Matsuda found themselves not speaking either.

 _We just have to deal with it. Nothing's happened yet. Nothing really bad._

Matsuda's sleepy voice echoes over the sound of the engine: "Hey... there's a sign for a hotel..." He sounds almost pleading. He probably wants out of the car and its atmosphere as much as Ide does.

"Come on," Ide says. "Even if we don't stay there, we can get something to eat that isn't freeze-dried."

Aizawa shrugs, turns off the motorway. He slumps, as if he's too tired to argue any more. Ide wonders if now is a good time to have a sensible conversation about their course of action, but quickly rejects that idea. He suspects if Aizawa isn't angry, he'll be despairing. And besides, he's emotional, he's not thinking straight. They can talk about what to do after they've all had some sleep. Assuming things don't get even worse. 

In the end, they do book rooms - Ide suspects that Aizawa realises how exhausted he is once he stops the car - and buy food from the cheap restaurant on the other side of the forecourt. Aizawa eats quickly, ignoring them, and, when he's finished, he says, "I'm going to bed," and has walked away before either of them can speak. Ide resists the urge to scowl after him, but his thoughts mutter away anyway: _just so he can take the moral high ground - wants to make himself into a martyr - I'm concerned about all of us, not just myself_ \- he'd wanted to _help_ \- 

Without Aizawa there the silence should feel less oppressive, but it doesn't. Although it doesn't help that it's probably too risky to make small talk. Ide eats without tasting the food, which is overcooked and salty. Matsuda is picking at his meal, pushing it round the plate. He looks worn out, worn down, and certainly like he didn't sleep at all last night. 

"You're not a child," Ide says at last, more for something, anything, to say than because he cares.

Matsuda shrugs. "It's the driving all day. It..." He doesn't bother to finish the sentence, just pushes his plate away. Then, abruptly, he says, "Look, I... I'm going to have a drink. You can - you can go on up if you want."

 _Oh, I see, you think I'm scum too._ Being rejected by _Matsuda_ of all people stings more than it should. God, he really has been spending too much time on this case.

"A drink sounds good," he says. "I'll join you."

This is stupid. They can't really afford to waste the time, the money, or the thinking faculties. Not to mention every second they're out in public is another second where someone could become suspicious of them. Aizawa would think they were both idiots - 

_Yeah, all right, have a go at me for wanting to sort this out rather than putting up with it -_

Except he didn't, he didn't just want to _sort it out,_ he only took the papers out of a half-formed sense of paranoia that they'd regret separating themselves from the notebook, he said before that using the notebook would be wrong and it _is,_ it's just - if you've got no choice - Aizawa won't be able to take this for long, and for god's sake if Takada does try and push him she must know he might retaliate this way? Ide could do it and Aizawa would be furious but he wouldn't be able to say he wasn't happy with the outcome -

Matsuda has returned with their drinks. The stuff is cheap and sour and no better than the food was, but it's warm and slightly satisfying at least. Ide drinks and finds himself wondering what it would be like to get up from the table and then collapse and die of a heart attack, sprawled across the cheap, faintly stained carpet. Bright lights and unfamiliar faces and - the certain knowledge that this was it, that it wouldn't matter how fast an ambulance arrived or what a doctor did, you were going to die and that was _it_ \- 

He can't tell if he suddenly wants to get the papers out and scrawl Raito and Takada's names across them or if the idea of touching any part of the notebook makes him feel sick. Either way, he wishes he hadn't started this thought. He downs the remains of his drink and gets to his feet. "Let's go."

He expects Matsuda to make a crack about people being boring or whatever, but Matsuda doesn't; he just looks up, resigned, like Ide just called him out on some mistake he knew he couldn't get away with. A few more desultory sips, and he gets to his feet.

Outside it seems even colder; their breath clouds around them, and mist has built up around the streetlights. Matsuda is still silent; walking a little way ahead, his arms wrapped round himself. Ide is annoyed to notice reality receding a little, like it sometimes does when he's drunk, like nothing really matters and nothing he does will make any difference. Normally it only happens after he's drunk quite a bit more, but doing nothing all day but sit in a car seems to be killing his appetite and he was sleepy and paranoid enough as it is. _Get a grip. Just get a grip._ If you drank enough, you could probably forget what you were doing when you wrote down a name. As far as he knows, none of the Kiras took that route. Still, perhaps if you've decided to use the notebook, you owe it to your victim to at least off them while coherent enough to know exactly what you're doing. The method of murder is so easy, you can't get much better, so you'd have to be a real coward to want to get plastered still - 

Their room is different from last night's and yet, of course, the same in all respects: thin, pressed sheets; flat-pack furniture; regular squares on the ceiling. Chilly, as well; the battered radiator in the corner turns the air around it lukewarm. Matsuda hurries past Ide and sits down on one of the beds, kicking off his shoes.

"I'm... I'm really tired," he says. "I think I'll just... just sleep. If you want to watch TV or something, that's cool, but I'm just going to... to..."

Ide knows that they _are_ both tired and that discussing the situation won't make them feel any better and Matsuda doesn't _have_ to make conversation with him, but the drink's evidently confused the adult part of his mind enough for him to snap, "If you think I'm a psychopath for having those pages, why don't you just come out and say it?"

"I don't think that," Matsuda says, too loudly.

"Just can't bear to say a word to me. Hey, I can swap with Aizawa for tonight, you two can spend the whole night discussing how morally reprehensible you think I am."

Matsuda doesn't answer; he just stares at the floor, picks at a loose seam on his jacket. Ide wants him to argue, or even to agree, so that he himself can put across his point of view and prove to everyone that he's not some kind of murderous lunatic and he was trying to _help,_ that's all, just because he thought of taking the pages doesn't make him no better than Raito, it doesn't - but Matsuda just keeps quiet and that makes Ide even angrier.

"You're such a hypocrite," he says, and his voice sounds harsh and vicious. "You admitted you support Kira. You pretty much thought he was right, it was just because of the Chief that you stuck around." Matsuda still doesn't answer, and Ide carries on, "Or is it because it's Raito? If it were anyone else you'd be happy to let them die, but Raito's different, Raito's _special_ -"

"Leave me alone," Matsuda says. He sounds angrier than Ide has ever heard him but so what, why should Ide be the only one feeling pissed off with the world? 

He says, "And Aizawa thought _I_ was trying to push important decisions on to other people."

"You didn't ask me what I thought! And if I'd told you, you'd have just called me an idiot anyway like you always do!" Matsuda is shaking. "I don't care, all right? You can do what you like. I don't give a damn what happens to Raito. I don't _care._ "

"Liar. You want him dead just as much as I do. You shot at him enough times back at the warehouse, did you really think none of those were going to be fatal?"

Matsuda draws a breath like the air's been knocked out of him, and Ide can feel his heart thumping, he could say _anything_ now he's feeling like this, but he is sick of no one backing him up. After a few seconds Matsuda stammers, "That wasn't - and I _didn't_ kill him, I didn't want to kill him - and so what, anyway? I said, right now I don't even care -"

"Why don't you just admit it? You don't want him dead because you still want him to be your friend. At least Aizawa is trying to take the moral high ground."

Matsuda's head snaps up and he says, voice shaking, "That's not true."

"Yeah, right." Ide is wishing he hadn't said it - it's a stupid remark, the sort of thing a high school girl would say. But he's not backing down, he's not going to be in the wrong, not this time. "You don't care about the _morality_ of it all, you just want it to be that Raito's a good guy. That's why you kept going on about - about giving ourselves up. You actually want to see him be _merciful._ "

Matsuda is on his feet suddenly and he is shaking but he doesn't seem scared, he is _angry,_ and he locks eyes with Ide and then all at once he's saying, "You - you want Raito dead? Why don't you go ahead and do it?" Gasps for breath between each sentence. "I'll be on your side so we'll - we'll outvote Aizawa and save everyone - why don't you just kill him? He _deserves_ it, doesn't he?"

Ide feels triumph roar through his veins and he is reaching to his inside jacket pocket and he - he _will,_ just - just to prove - 

_What the hell are you **doing**?_

He thinks he's going to throw up, so _close_ , so fucking close - how easy it would have been to scrawl down a name just to win an argument, for god's sake -

Matsuda's gone still, and so pale he looks like he might actually faint.

"Don't -" he says at last. The words are shaken out of him. "Stop - I didn't mean it - oh, god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it -"

"I'm not going to." Ide can hear his own voice sounding unsteady. If he'd just lost his temper for a few more minutes... 

Matsuda doesn't seem to hear him. He stumbles forward, closes the gap between them. "You were going to - I just said it because - you were actually going to do it - I didn't _mean_ -"

"I wasn't! I just... I was just..." His own voice trails off. _I was just going to do it to piss you off._ That's even _worse_ than wanting to kill them before they kill you. That's - god, what the hell is wrong with him? How could he have even considered being so stupid?

"I know, I know..." Matsuda's voice is high and unsteady. "It wasn't... you didn't mean... we were just... I was just mad with... I just wanted to show that..." He sounds shaky enough that Ide puts a hand out to him in case he is actually going to keel over. Matsuda grabs at it and then suddenly he is right up against Ide and he is _kissing_ him.

It's so bizarre, and it follows something so unexpected and horrible, that for at least a couple of seconds Ide doesn't do anything, just stands there (scared, just wanting to cling on to someone, needing not to be on his own -)

Of course almost immediately his brain catches up with events and he jerks back and snaps, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Don't you..." Matsuda's voice trails off. "I just thought maybe it would - help."

"Why? Why would it help _anything_?" Ide is angry now - this is probably some stupid romantic _thing_ Matsuda saw on TV and wanted to, to try as a joke - like they don't have better things to worry about, like lack of romance is at all important right now - "You don't just go round _doing_ that!"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, I just... I just misread stuff. That's all." Matsuda tries to laugh, but it doesn't work. "Just forget it -"

"No, that doesn't explain it at all. What _stuff_ could you possibly misread?" Ide feels hot and embarrassed and stupid and still sick from almost writing down a name and he's almost tempted to walk out of the door and spend the night in the hotel foyer. Or punch Matsuda just to make sure someone else feels worse than him. Although Matsuda already sounds worse than him, desperate for his own crazy version of normal.

"Well... you know," he's saying now, "you're... like that, so I thought..."

Ide has to wonder if he's dreaming this. Either that or his colleague has actually snapped under the strain of the last few days. 

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've never had a girlfriend!" Matsuda's folded his arms, is huddled away, but he snaps the words back over his shoulder. "You've never dated anyone and you don't even seem to _notice_ girls, you even _said_ \- and you're, what, nearly forty and you act like you've never going to get married -"

"I didn't notice you keeping tabs on my entire romantic history to date," Ide begins, and then stops, not sure what else to say. Generally, he _doesn't_ notice girls. Women. Because he's got more important things to think about, like work or whatever. 

He doubts mentioning this to Matsuda will help the situation. Matsuda probably can't conceive of a situation where work takes priority over _anything._

"Well, why _aren't_ you married, then?" Matsuda says. He sounds like a more overtly spiteful version of most of Ide's immediate family, a comparison that's irritating and ridiculous in equal measure. On the other hand, Ide can snap back this time, "Because I haven't met the right person yet!" and not have to worry about sounding overly defensive, he _is_ being defensive, Matsuda is pretty much insulting him to his face. "And, in case you'd forgotten, I've spent the last six years trying to hunt down a serial killer!" _Whom we just nearly killed._ No, he doesn't want to go back to talking about Kira. "Anyway, if your love life's so much better than mine, why exactly _did_ you just make a move on me? It seems a little desperate, right? Even for you."

"Because - I don't know."

"You must have some idea."

"It beats hiding in hotel rooms and watching NHN and thinking about how we're all going to die, all right?" Matsuda slumps down on the bed again, directing his words to the floor. " _You_ wouldn't know this, but making out with people is actually kind of fun. Or it's a distraction, anyway." He looks up. "I wasn't... I wasn't laughing at you because you don't have a girlfriend or whatever. I just always thought... I didn't think I needed to ask."

He actually sounds like he means it - or even if he doesn't, Ide feels reassured that they now both look equally stupid. 

"Well," he says, "it might have been advisable to check first."

"I _know_ , all right? I messed up and I'm sorry but I wasn't trying to... it wasn't... oh god, Ide, don't tell Aizawa, seriously -"

"Of course I'm not going to tell Aizawa!" Ide comes to sit down on the other bed, rests his head on his hands until the nausea at the thought of Aizawa finding out about this has faded. "I'm not going to tell anyone. I don't talk to people about things like that." He can still feel the print of Matsuda's mouth on his. He sort of wants to rub it away. It's distracting, more than it should be.

Matsuda doesn't answer and Ide suddenly feels sorry for him. It can't be much fun to proposition someone and have them yell at you. Even if Matsuda was an idiot to think anything would happen. He can't work out how the other man would even picture the two of them - being intimate. It's a completely ridiculous idea, and he's only considering it at the moment out of fascinated curiosity about how it would even work. He still feels too hot, too jumpy. Matsuda's right, anything beats being alone with your fears right now.

"Well... have you done this before?" he says.

"What, kissed people?"

"Kissed - kissed men, you idiot."

Matsuda shifts, stares back at the floor. Ide decides to take the silence as a _yes._

"Right," he says. He's tempted to ask who Matsuda might have kissed, but figures that will rather undercut his own assertion that he doesn't talk about stuff like this. Not to mention that if it turns out to be someone they both know, that will be _two_ people he can no longer look at in the same way.

Assuming he ever makes it back to home and to work and has the luxury of awkwardness at other people's romantic interactions being the biggest thing he has to worry about.

The curiosity from earlier is growing, in line with the usual awareness that he might well be dead by the end of the week. In his head it's like he's remembering something Matsuda never said: _it must suck for you, knowing you'll never have a great romance now before you die._ And it's not even true, he doesn't want _great romance,_ he thinks it's stupid, but... he's spent his entire life being sensible and controlled and - _normal,_ and this is his reward, to die of a heart attack, quite possibly after some lunatic's done his best to make him give up a few key pieces of information? _It's not fair_ is a ridiculous retort to anything, but it's true. He would never normally even _think_ of responding to Matsuda's suggestion, because it would be stupid and embarrassing and inappropriate - but where has avoiding stupidity got him, now?

It's either the curiosity or the anger.

"If... if you want," he says, his mouth suddenly dry, "I mean... I'm not interested, but... if you do want, you might as well... seeing as we'll both be dead in a few days, what the hell does it matter?"

Matsuda's head snaps up and he stares through the darkness.

"But it goes no further than this, all right?"

"All right," Matsuda whispers, and gets to his feet, comes to sit next to him.

For a moment Ide thinks he's being expected to be the one to act and he is suddenly appalled at what the hell he thinks he's _doing_ \- but the next second, Matsuda is kissing him again, and any determination to behave sensibly is disrupted by the recollection of how strange kissing is, not least because of how it makes him warm all over. And the warmth tingles in his skin and damn it, this might never happen to him again, and so he pulls Matsuda close, wanting to feel someone else all over him, and Matsuda sighs happily and kisses at his throat, which Ide doesn't think anyone's ever done to him before. It should be annoying, like being tickled, it _is_ annoying, but it's flickering breathless annoyance that stops being something negative the stronger it grows.

At some point Matsuda breaks a kiss to scramble more onto the bed and Ide moves out of the way of his feet and they end up lying down, lying against each other, and Matsuda's hands, no longer chilly from the night air, are clutching at Ide's back and then at his shirt and then, hesitantly, up under his clothes. But by this point Ide's realising how much he is getting out of this and how he will be more annoyed with Matsuda than he has ever been before in his life if it stops and, not thinking now, just wanting, just doing, he presses close, trying to shake off the warmth, scratch an itch, and on the edge of his consciousness he notices Matsuda's arousal and somehow the realisation that his colleague is getting something out of this, isn't just doing it to humour Ide, sends a shudder of triumph through him - that things are different, that there is no earthly reason for him to be doing this, that right now nothing can stop him making them both feel good. This is ridiculous and unnatural and completely out-of-character for him, but right now he doesn't care.


	4. Advance

Nightfall has not helped Gevanni's tiredness. While it was still light, he'd managed to coast on being so tired he felt more alert than ever, but now he knows it's only a matter of time before his body's going to force him into actually sleeping, no matter how much he doesn't want it to. 

Mikami has spent the preceding hours huddled in the passenger seat, staring numbly out of the window. Gevanni tried speaking to him a few times, but Mikami didn't seem even to hear. Which makes Gevanni even less keen to fall asleep in front of him. 

He's thinking if he heads for rural areas, he might be able to park the car somewhere isolated and sleep there for the night. That doesn't solve the problems of Mikami and hypothermia, but it's the best idea he's got right now. Which is yet another reason he wishes he could sleep. All he can think of to do is run, wait to be hunted down, and that pisses him off (but in a faraway, dazed sense, because he's too tired for anger by now). Still, he can turn off the freeway, start heading down darker, narrower roads, it's a start, it's an objective at least - 

"Gevanni-san."

Mikami's voice is flat and very quiet. Gevanni tries to make himself sound awake and calm as he says, "Yes?"

"May we stop by the roadside for a second? I need..." He trails off, hunching his shoulders a bit. 

"Oh - sure." It could be that Mikami's going to try and make a break for it, but it isn't as if Gevanni can refuse to halt the car ever. Besides, it would have made more sense to flee in a place where there were other people, information - not on the side of an anonymous road in the dark. _If I shot you here, there'd be no one to help you._ On the other hand, it isn't as if Mikami is in the most rational frame of mind right now.

They pull over, park in a layby. Mikami clambers out of the car, walks over to the bushes nearby. Gevanni gets out as well, relishing the chance to stretch his legs and get the smell of the car out of his nose. Every so often traffic rushes past, strobe-lighting them with headlights. Like that's all there is, endless driving on endless roads until you forget whose side you're meant to be on. God, he needs more sleep. Mikami is walking back to him now. Headlights. The man's face is drawn and sallow, eyes staring dully ahead, coverings of his wound the same yellow as his skin in the lights. "Gevanni-san. May... a little longer?" 

"Okay." 

On the side of the road it feels very empty, like they're in a place that's not properly part of reality. Cars rush by every so often, but it's hard to believe there's anyone in them, that they're not just part of the scenery. Gevanni takes a deep breath of chilly, fume-filled air, makes himself feel the frosty ground under his feet, hear the rustles in the grass. He is on a freeway in Japan and the entire country is looking for him and he needs to stay focused. Hey, his parents, Louise's kids, they'll probably have heard about what's going on, right? They'll recognise his name. _You screw this up,_ he tells himself, _you'll be dead, just like she is, you don't get immunity because you're the hero or whatever, you will be dead, how many agents have already been wiped out in this case? And not like Kira will give a damn about wiping out both of someone's kids_ \- He's trying to scare himself because if he gets scared he'll get angry and then he'll make himself _do_ things, make himself cope -

Mikami has wandered over to the edge of the verge, stands watching the road. Hiss of another approaching car. Gevanni wonders, too late already, if his passenger's going to try and alert the driver, if - 

Mikami is diving forward, a cut-out shadow in the headlights - 

_Shit!_

Gevanni is running over frozen ground, and the darkness is thick like soup as he struggles through it, and the car's brakes are screeching as it swerves - 

He grabs Mikami's arm, wrenches him off the road, sending them both falling to the ground, and the car rushes past them, the beep of the horn fading away as it vanishes.

Beneath him, Mikami is trembling, and his breath is coming in fast, harsh gasps. Gevanni picks himself up, keeping a grip on the other man, and says, "What the hell did you think you were doing? You could've been killed!"

Mikami is in darkness now but his voice is shaking with rage and misery, "Why didn't you let me? Why could you not just leave me alone?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry I tried to prevent you getting hit by a speeding car! For god's sake!" Gevanni can feel his hands trembling - the cold air seems to stick in his chest. "I'm not a sociopath, I - for god's _sake_ -"

"Forgive me," Mikami chokes out, "I should have warned you, I - it would have made things easier for you, I don't... I don't understand why - why didn't you just let me do it?"

Gevanni figures it out then. Why else would someone as methodical as Mikami have done something so reckless?

"Shall we go back to the car?" he says, as gently as he can manage. "Then you can explain to me. I don't quite get it, at the moment."

"You'll listen?"

"Of course I will." He gets up, helps Mikami to his feet. The cold is gnawing at his hands now. "We've got time."

Back in the car, he puts on the overhead light. Mikami is staring numbly ahead, eyes wide, lips drawn back from his teeth a little.

"Were you trying to hurt yourself?" Gevanni says.

Mikami doesn't answer.

"Were you doing what you thought was right?"

"Of _course_ I was. I was doing what _was_ right." Mikami shivers suddenly, wraps his arms around himself. "Whichever way I look I cannot - and if I trusted a false god then I deserve to die." His hand goes to the dressings on his throat. "If I felt strongly enough to do this before, then I must have... I must have done something terrible. I wouldn't choose to die unless I knew that by remaining alive, I was only benefiting the evildoers."

"But what makes you think that you're doing that now?"

"I don't know what is right any more," Mikami says, blankly. "I think you're lying to me, Gevanni-san, but I don't know how or why. The chance of making a mistake is too great, do you see? The best way to do right is to die."

"Why do you think that? Mikami-san, you -"

"To aid a false god is to prevent the return of the true one," Mikami says impatiently. "The worst thing I can do. If I make the wrong choice... and I can't... right now, I can't trust myself not to."

Gevanni swallows. 

"How do you know that this isn't a choice your god has presented to you himself?" he says. "He... he could want you to redeem yourself. Surely someone as - as aware of right and wrong as you are is more useful as a devotee."

"Then what should I do?" Mikami actually smiles a little. "You tell me that to contact Takada-san and offer my help to her would be the wrong choice, but you are forcing me to remain with you. You've told me I can trust you, but I have no more proof that you're righteous than that Takada is. You -" He swallows, his face growing blank again. "You have told me you count me as a friend, that you know I will make the right choice. I don't think you... I don't think you realise how much of a temptation that is. I - I _must not_ let sentiment stop me from serving God."

(It was a necessary lie)

Except that it wasn't, not totally, this entire situation wasn't _necessary._ Gevanni never set out to play mind games, it wasn't revenge of any sort, he just - gambled -

"I don't think you will -" he begins, but Mikami cuts in, "No, please don't consider me less of a sinner than I am. I should trust Takada-san. I have spoken to her on many occasions. I know her well. I do not remember ever talking to you before we left the hospital. But you talk to me as if you... as if you are concerned for me. You swear that you like my company." His voice is very quiet now. "I couldn't give that up. That's why it is better for me to die."

Gevanni hears himself blurt out, "But that's not -" and then he just stops. For god's sake, Mikami has killed hundreds of people, tried to kill Gevanni, was complicit in Near's death, but Gevanni never intended to drive him to suicide. It's not revenge, it could never be revenge, but he still wouldn't want questions afterwards - comments, suspicions, veiled mentions of _his bereavement_ \- 

"If you want to help," Mikami says, "why don't you tell me the truth?"

Gevanni stares at him, his sleep-deprived mind racing, trying to come up with a plausible cover story. Perhaps it is just the lack of sleep, perhaps it's that he can't think of something which wouldn't prevent Mikami making an escape at the next available opportunity, perhaps it's that the lying's leaving a bad taste in his mouth, but instead, he says, "All right." 

Mikami's face doesn't change, but Gevanni can see him tensing, just a little, and there's no way this can end well, but damn it, if Mikami would rather die than travel with a liar - Gevanni is supposed to be sticking close to Mikami, that's how it goes -

"The person you went to meet in the warehouse was Kira," Gevanni says. "You allied yourself with the real deal. But Kira isn't your god."

"Yes, he is." 

"No. Kira is a human and he's flawed and when it came to the crucial moment, he failed you. He failed you and he failed himself and we were going to arrest him when Takada's people showed up. You tried to kill yourself because you knew he wasn't your god."

Mikami is silent for a few seconds. Then, swallowing, he stammers: "I don't... I don't believe you."

"I didn't think you would, but this time it really is the -"

" _No!_ Kira is punishing the wicked and he can strike them down, he knows who should be punished and he cuts through them like - everyone who _should_ die _does_ , how can he not be God?"

"Let me finish!" Gevanni hears himself yell it, his voice loud and stupid in the darkness of the car, and he's trembling like he wants to hit out. Mikami goes still, stares at him.

"If - if he's your god, how come he let you get arrested? How come he had to run away? He was bleeding everywhere, he completely lost it - do you remember that? How come you tried to kill yourself? You wouldn't do that while there was any chance of still serving God, you know you wouldn't, so what made you take that step?"

"I don't... I don't remember." Mikami shudders. "Why don't I remember? If what you're saying is true, why don't I know it's true as well? What's wrong with me?" His hoarse, broken voice is getting louder, and he's shaking. That loss of control helps Gevanni get a grip on his own thoughts, and he forces himself to think logically. (You can't give him too much information.) It isn't as if he wants Mikami getting information about weapons that can be used to judge the wicked. But on the other hand, maybe it's best to give the impression he's passing on significant amounts of information, that he's finally stopped lying. 

Not to mention, if by some stroke of luck he gets out of this alive, that will probably mean Mikami being held accountable for the murders he's committed. You could argue there's a moral duty to start laying the groundwork for this.

Or perhaps it just is that, in his current state, he doesn't think he'll be able to keep the details of a lie straight for very long.

"What did you do to me?" Mikami yells at him. 

"I didn't do anything! _Look_ \- as I understand it, Kira got in touch with you because he saw you at a Sakura TV rally. He wanted you to act as a decoy for him, take the blame for his acts, and he knew that you believed he was God, that you wouldn't kick up a fuss. He passed on responsibility for judging criminals to you."

"I - _I_ judged the wicked?" Mikami gasps.

"You murdered hundreds of people, yes." Gevanni squints at him through the darkness, hoping to see a sign of repentance, horror; even just apprehension. But of course, there's nothing. Mikami is still trembling a little, but Gevanni can just make out a smile on his face. 

"I was... I was God's hand... struck them down... I judged..."

" _No!_ You were manipulated by a psychopath who wanted to set himself up as a god!"

"Prove it!" Mikami yells back. "You hated Kira, you admitted it! Kira asked me to help him and gave me the power to judge. Nothing you've told me makes me doubt him so far!"

"All right, how about this, then? You'd come there to kill me and everyone else involved in looking for Kira." Gevanni doesn't care about holding back information now; he's just sick of Mikami's blind, ridiculous loyalty. "You tried to kill all of us, and you know what? It didn't work. The power failed you because we'd got there first. We'd planted a fake weapon instead of the real one you needed. You stood there waiting for us all to die and nothing happened and neither Kira nor you could do anything. Then we arrested you, we took the weapon off you and handcuffed you and your god didn't do a thing to stop us." 

"That - that proves _nothing_! All it shows is that you're a sinner and a, a criminal and you have been all along! And it - it can't be true, anyway, if it was true I would have remembered something so - like that!"

"It's true," Gevanni says, "because of the weapons the two of you had been using to kill. We took them off you and we destroyed the one you'd owned. A side-effect of that is that the owner loses all memory of ever having had the thing and everything connected with it. Seeing as you've been using it to kill for weeks, it's not surprising your memory's full of gaps."

He expects Mikami to disregard such a crazy story, but he doesn't; he seems to calm a bit, nods: "Oh. Oh, yes... of course, then you could not be detected by the evil ones... of course it would be set up that way." Then, nervously: "Can I... will the memories come back?"

"No, I don't think so. As I understand it, you'd get the memories back if you got the weapon back, but it's destroyed, so... so they're gone for good."

Mikami goes very quiet. Gevanni takes the opportunity to start the car again, pull back onto the road. He's calming down now, the anger replaced by the usual post-shouting-match embarrassment and realisation that possibly his recent course of action _wasn't_ the most logical one. Still, things can't get much worse, can they? Well, they can, but Mikami hasn't trusted him an inch since they met, so no real harm's been done. Except for Mikami trying to throw himself under a car. Oh, hell. 

"Yes, I lied to you," he carries on. "We never spoke before all this started. I was following you to keep tabs on you, and then when Takada broadcast my details I needed to keep you with me."

"Why?" Mikami is pale and he's shaking slightly, but his voice is quiet again. 

Gevanni shrugs. "I didn't want you talking to hospital staff about things you did remember. Or to Kira. He'd only make you trust him again, after all. Not to mention he'd -" He stops. No need to tell Mikami about the eye deal. "You're a resource we don't want him to have."

"But now you have me to guard," Mikami says. "You haven't stopped to sleep because you're scared of what I might do to you. I've been mentioned on the news, and with - with this -" Shadows shift as he brushes the wound on his throat again. "People will recognise me, and then they'll capture you."

Gevanni doesn't bother answering.

"Are you scared I'll tell Kira where you are?" Mikami carries on. He sounds tired, and hopeless, and like someone discussing a puzzle they don't really care about. "But you just keep running, at the moment, and you haven't told me where you're going. You could stop now and let me out, and then you could keep going on your own."

Gevanni snorts. "Is that what you want? To get dumped on the side of a freeway in the dark? Not to mention it's freezing out there."

"I'm not... I'm not making a request so much as I'm trying to understand why you're insisting on keeping me with you."

"I told you, because I want to keep you away from Kira!"

"But why is that worth so much trouble to you? What would I do that means you have to risk this? I... I have no power to judge anyone at the moment."

Gevanni can't think what to say. He's pretty sure spelling out _you're a murderer and need to face justice_ isn't going to help the atmosphere. But Mikami is already continuing, "I... I want to know why I am here. And - and what you're going to... I mean, when this is over..."

"It may not end up being _over._ If they hunt us down, I'll be dead and you'll get to go back to your god and throw your life away for him again."

"And if that doesn't happen?" Mikami says coldly. "If you destroy Kira and the world returns to the sinful mess it always was? Then what happens to me?"

Gevanni stares ahead. The road feels almost like it's moving on its own, like him and the car aren't doing anything. Mikami's not stupid. Hell, the guy is a top-class lawyer. He knows as well as Gevanni does that there's no way the crimes he's supposed to have committed can be brought to trial. Gevanni tells himself there isn't any need to spell it out, but a small, bitter voice at the back of his mind says, _it's not like any of his victims got a fair trial either, is it? I know that better than anyone -_

"I don't understand what you want from me, Gevanni-san."

_So you're just doing this for revenge? Even though it's making things harder for you?_

"I don't _want_ anything from you." He sounds defensive. "I'm keeping someone I know has murdered a large number of people in custody and stopping him getting in touch with the guy who's trying to kill me. The fact that you saw the bastard for what he was and you decided you'd rather die than keep helping him is irrelevant, mainly because I know you don't believe me." He wonders if that even was the reason for Mikami's suicide attempt; the guy could've just chosen to act as a distraction in a typically extreme way. But it's not like anyone's ever going to know the truth of that. "Look... if I end up surviving this, I'll do my best to help you. If you flee now, my colleagues and the Japanese task force will assume you're still on Kira's side."

"Why would you assume I'm not?"

"Because he _isn't your god._ " Gevanni tries to sound sincere rather than frustrated. It's not easy. He feels almost like he's talking into darkness, like the darkness is absorbing his words and there's no one else listening at all. 

"So you've said."

"Look -" If this doesn't work he isn't sure what he's going to do, and he doesn't know why he's so desperate to stop Mikami returning, he's forgetting already what he was originally thinking - just - _if I wanted revenge, I'd let him go back - Yagami will take his lifespan for the Eyes and then probably stick him in the firing line when it suits_ \- "If Kira's your god, Kira will triumph, right?"

"Yes."

"So, if you remain here with me, and he triumphs, that proves it. Then I'll be dead and you can go back and pledge loyalty to him and all that... and all that stuff. If you remain here with me and he _isn't_ your god, then you've avoided making the same mistake twice, becoming a - a follower of a false god. And I'll know I can stick up for you, I can explain to people how you just wanted to do good and were lied to. Whereas if you go back, aren't you risking a hell of a lot more if he turns out to be false?"

A long pause, filled with the rush of the car wheels.

At last Mikami says, "You will let me listen to everything Kiyomi Takada says. Anything on the news."

"Yes."

"If I realise Kira is the true god and I should return, you will let me go."

"I - all right. I won't take you back, but... but I won't stop you leaving."

"You won't tell me more lies."

"I'll do my best not to."

Mikami nods. "Then I'll remain with you while I... while I still... need to think." His hand brushes his throat again.

"Swear by your god."

"What?"

"Swear by your god you'll remain with me while you're unsure," Gevanni says, feeling as if he's wrenching the words out of a deep black pit inside himself. "And - and that you won't hurt me or kill me, or yourself. And that you won't contact anyone else, or take control of our journey while I'm asleep. I want to keep out of Takada's way. If - if you want to leave, you can go. You can walk away and neither of us will... I mean, it's a truce." 

Mikami is silent for even longer this time, and Gevanni wonders if he's pushed him too far, but at last the other man says, "I swear. I swear in God's name."

"Thank you. I..." And he fully intends to carry on talking, but when he looks into his mind to see what words are there, there's nothing. And when he comes back to reality, Mikami is talking, he is saying, "Gevanni-san, you need to stop and sleep. You have to."

"I'll... I will." Shit, did he just doze off for a few seconds? The shock of that makes him jittery, slightly more awake - awake enough at any rate to pull off the freeway, park on a deserted stretch of road. Stop. His hands are trembling a little.

"I can remain in this seat," Mikami says. "I have things I want to think about."

Gevanni nods, takes the keys out of the ignition, crosses round to the back seats. Stuffing the keys into an inside pocket, he does his best to run through anything he needs to keep hold of, keep an eye on. He probably forgets something, but in the end, when he's sprawled out on the seats, breathing in the smell of upholstery, feeling as if he's sliding slowly backwards into the dark, he can feel the keys and his gun digging into his ribs, comforting in their awkwardness. His last conscious thought is to wonder why Mikami didn't elicit a promise from him to let him go if Kira lets him down.

***  
Matsuda is back at home. He went back home because he realised he forgot his phone, and he needs it because otherwise they'll find him. He thought he'd be able to sneak in on the subway in the middle of the day but when he gets to his apartment block, the woman from the ground floor apartment is there, and she starts shouting at him because he didn't tidy up before he went away. He tries to explain that he had to go in a hurry but she just keeps yelling at him that he's just no good, he's just lazy, until he yells back at her to shut up, and shoves out at her. And then everyone else is coming out of their apartments and horrified at what he did and he tries to explain but then he remembered he was supposed to be sneaking in, and it's no good, everyone's seen him, someone will call NHN and just like that, he's fucked everything up - 

And somehow the terror tears open a gap in the world and he's lying flat, he's, he's opening his eyes, and the room is dark and still. It was a dream. The room is dark and still and next to him, half-over him, breath tickling his neck, is Ide, breathing slow and rough.

Matsuda feels his heart still pounding, quick and loud in his ears, and feels almost as if it should be waking Ide it's beating so fiercely. 

_It was a **dream** , you idiot. Nothing to worry about - everything's okay - really -_

Except that they _are_ on the run and he _will_ be killed if anyone recognises him and he _did_ proposition a male colleague last night and made himself look so stupid that he shrivels up inside a little just thinking about it now. Thought he was the experienced one, the, let's say it, the _cool_ one, had always enjoyed how Ide could never make him feel really small because there was always romance as a comeback - and what happens now? _Can't get anything right, look so desperate -_

Except that Ide had gone with it, in the end. Matsuda almost wishes he hadn't because now, if anyone else ever finds out, it won't just be all _I was drunk and kissed him but I was just really confused_ , it'll be _I made out with him and got off on it and he let me just because he felt sorry for me._ Of course maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe Ide was more scared about what had happened before that, about them almost writing down Raito's name, and wasn't able to think properly, had been shocked enough by it not to have the energy to pretend he didn't like making out with guys. But no one is ever, _ever_ going to know about them almost writing down Raito's name, so it doesn't help.

Matsuda turns his head, spots by the time on the TV that it's about five a.m. Normally he welcomes extra hours in bed, in the warm, but, but he can tell he's not going to go back to sleep now, his thoughts are pacing up and down and he feels kind of sick and kind of hungry and generally too aware of reality. If Ide were awake then...

If Ide were awake then they'd have to talk to each other. Yeah. 

_It seems a little desperate, right? Even for you?_

_Shut up,_ Matsuda thinks at him, _give it a rest, you weren't any better, you liked it as much as I did and_ \- he was just _scared_ and _tired_ and sick of thinking about Raito hating him and so, so sick about what they nearly did - 

_Why is it bothering you?_ his mind is whispering. _If Ide wrote it down, we'd all be safe, we could go home - it's the only way out, you know it is -_

Matsuda hears himself breathe in sharply like he's just stubbed his toe and is trying not to yell. He's not going to think like that. He's just not. Aizawa _said,_ if they write down Raito or Takada's names they'll be just like them. So that's it. They're going to do the right thing and... so something will help them out, if you do the right thing then you get to go home...

Except that he knows how stupid that is. He knows how childish he's being. And he has an awful feeling that really, there are only two options. Kill Raito, or give themselves up. And - and he _can't_ \- 

He can't think about this any more. He sits up, tries to ease himself away without disturbing Ide. He thinks he's got away with it when suddenly Ide shifts, rolls over a bit. Matsuda jumps, but Ide doesn't scowl at him or even seem bothered by where he is, he only mumbles, voice dry and far away, "What time is it?"

"Five a.m. I'm going to - go get some fresh air, okay? I'll come back - wake you in an hour -"

Ide mutters something that might be _Sure,_ and pulls the covers over himself again. Matsuda dresses in the dark, trying not to walk into anything, and steps out into the corridor. The lights are on, as they've been all night. It makes him feel weird, like perhaps it _is_ still last night and he'll run into himself and Ide walking back upstairs, before everything suddenly got even worse. 

A sudden blow of anger at himself, like someone's hit him in the throat. _How can you fuck up this badly?_ Just for a moment, then it goes. He swallows, and hurries on down the stairs. The building's silent, just the hum of heating. Like people breathing. Like the entire place is full of sleepers and it's just him out here and he's actually safe for once. He knows that's a stupid thing to think, he knows you should never assume _anything_ is safe, but it would be so good to believe it. It isn't like he knows what he'd even do if someone did suddenly appear and accuse him of being who he is.

He's downstairs now. No one on duty. The dining room is locked and empty, floodlight from outside falling on bare tables. The air's chilly down here, so it's probably even colder outside. Not to mention he'll look suspicious standing around in a car park doing nothing. There's a battered red sofa in the corner, a table with an ashtray and some newspapers, and he sits down and then he sees the computer terminal and the sign for Internet access.

It's something normal to do, plus it's something that the other two would think was a waste of time. And so he walks over to it and switches it on. The monitor is cube-like, white plastic - it reminds him of computers at college, or at his first job. That's comforting, too.

He starts off by checking the news sites, figuring if he doesn't do it first then it'll just feel worse when he finally gets up the guts. NHN is still filled with appeals and photographs of Kiyomi Takada looking concerned and regretful, Aizawa's wife tearful and numb. The other sites are careful, trying not to say anything anti-Kira while still passing on information. Many are carrying news of murders and armed robberies and vandalism, and at one point Matsuda finds himself looking at a graph demonstrating the sharp rise in crime since 28th January.

It isn't like what they're doing now is even helping people. All it's doing is saving the lives of a bunch of criminals whose lives don't deserve to be saved, isn't that it? Matsuda knows as well as anyone that when you do the wrong thing, you usually know it's wrong because everyone is mad with you and you're in a hell of a lot of trouble. Raito is smarter than any of the task force, and L and Mello and Near were just all obsessed with wanting to win. Raito is doing what _he_ thinks is best, and Matsuda knows the guy is crazy but... _how do we know we're - how do we know we're not meant to be -_

Raito is _screaming,_ clutching his bleeding hand with white-knuckled fingers, pain tightening his face, and the smell of blood and smoke sticks in Matsuda's throat. _Kira is righteous! **Kira is needed!**_

Matsuda wonders what would have happened if he had done what Raito said, turned round and shot at the SPK, at Aizawa and Ide and Mogi, at Near. They'd probably have shot back. Either way, you end up dead. And he wasn't going to think about that. Raito was trying to kill Near, that's a definite, and would have killed everyone else too. And killing people is wrong. That's the _point._ And you can't start asking questions like this now, not in a hotel foyer even if there is nobody else here, the point is that stuff is how it is now and you just have to deal with it, you just have to _cope._

All at once, he'd rather be back upstairs having to talk to Ide about what they did last night. 

He makes himself breathe out, slowly, and, clammy-handed, he navigates away from the reputable news pages and over to the biggest Kira-supporter site. You get a lot of lunatics posting there, and reading through usually reassures him that he's made the right choice after all. Well, sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't - he reads horrible posts in which someone describes cleanly and simply what someone did to them and how Kira squashed that someone out of existence and Matsuda always thinks _well, you would, wouldn't you, someone who did that, people like that, who don't care, they don't deserve to live -_

At the moment, of course, there isn't much of that. All the most recent posts are, tangentially or explicitly, about him. On one thread, people are sharing sightings, which makes him jump so that the chair creaks, but when he reads through it looks like no one's actually picked up on them. A lot of people are still looking out for four Japanese and two Americans travelling together, or are posting about people they know who have similar names, or are claiming to have spotted Hal Lidner on her own, probably because she's the only one with a confirmed identity. And there are probably loads of message boards like this. People are calling for hotel staff and motorway toll station operators and railway workers to come forward and speak out and keep their eyes open. Matsuda finds himself glancing around the shadowed lobby, looking for someone watching, someone working out why he's looking at the things he is. Of course, there's no one there, but he still feels like someone's standing just behind him, just out of his line of sight.

He carries on browsing, trying to think of this as objective observation, police information-gathering. The site is so well-known as the place for Kira supporters that there's constant trolling, argument, and rambling rants from people on one or the other side of the issue. Right now even most of that is about him. _Hey, I'm famous at last!_ Except it's not actually that funny. He keeps scrolling down, and now he's just skim-reading, only vaguely registering the constant repetition of his own name sitting in the middle of a list, as if people are trying to kill him by writing it down wherever they can - they know it, everyone _knows_ it - 

And then suddenly not. His surname, but _Matsuda_ followed not by _Touta_ but by _Akihiro._ His father's name. The commenter is one of the religious nutcases going on about the sins of the parents being visited upon the children, but they've left a link to a newspaper article. Matsuda clicks. It's just another summary of the situation. Except that in the second-to-last paragraph, there's something else. _Akihiro Matsuda, father of one of the fugitives..._ They're going on about how he's in the NPA too, making it sound like this is suspicious on several levels, like the entire organisation is corrupt and evil or something. Matsuda pictures his dad reading this sort of stuff, knowing that people are talking about him, spreading rumours, and he's about to hit the back button until he sees the quote ending the paragraph.

_"I am concerned for my son's safety. I cannot comment on what he is said to have done, but I think he is at grave risk of being attacked by vigilantes, rather than receiving a fair trial as is his right as a Japanese citizen. Takada-san should be ashamed of her attempts to whip this country into hysteria, and I sincerely doubt Kira would want us to descend into mob violence._

_"I believe that the police do not have a moral duty to hunt for these people until they have been fully appraised of their crime. To my knowledge, this has not been done."_

_The families of the other accused were not available for comment._

Matsuda stares and stares and rereads until his eyes ache. He may have said to Ide that he thought Dad would be pleased at being proved right about the dangers of the Kira case, but that was kind of a joke; he knows Dad will in fact be furious at how much his younger son has messed up this time and how he could have _avoided_ this if he'd only _listened_ and been a bit more _mature_... They'd gone past actually talking about the Kira case and Matsuda's involvement in it by this point. Dad had called him at New Year's, ostensibly to send good wishes, but when those good wishes are given in the form _hopefully this year you'll be a bit more sensible and try thinking ahead for a change_ you know what they really mean. Matsuda likes New Year's normally and he didn't see why he had to put up with Dad trying to ruin it for him, even if he _was_ spending it working, so he dared to reply _Hey, I'm hoping I'll be a hero by June! You shouldn't be so quick to write me off, you'll want a share in my glory when the time comes._ He knew it would piss Dad off and it did; his father had snapped at him _you really don't have a clue about real life, do you? For god's sake -_ and then rung off, as though he'd been about to say something even more grumpy.

And okay, in private Dad is _still_ probably grumpy and will be all _you idiot, how could you let this happen_ , but he's said to a bunch of reporters that he thinks this is wrong and hasn't even said once that it's Matsuda's own fault he's in this much trouble. And Raito knows Dad's name and face, has always known it, and it's _obviously_ stupid to speak out on the record against Kira and Takada and Dad doesn't do stupid stuff, _that's my area_ , and, and _damn_ it, he can't break down now, not here -

He closes the windows, shuts down the computer again. He's tired now.

The next hour or so passes in a sleepy blur of cold water and sunrise and black coffee. When they're in the car, Ide's driving; Aizawa, still looking exhausted, is slumped in the front passenger seat. Matsuda tells himself that he doesn't care, that he'll get to stretch out and sleep in the back. Suddenly he wishes he had said something to Ide about last night, even just _we were real idiots, huh?_ but Ide had looked tired too and they'd both been busy getting ready and then they'd met up with Aizawa and the opportunity had been lost. 

They've been on the road for about half an hour when at last Aizawa sighs and says to Ide, "You checked the news?"

"Didn't get time."

"I did," Matsuda says, trying to keep the satisfaction out of his voice. "I went online."

Aizawa snorts, like Internet-based news doesn't count, but Ide just says, "And?"

"And - and the NPA aren't... they haven't joined in with Takada yet. We're still okay for now." Not that their situation is _okay_ by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds better to put it that way.

Ide nods, glances at him in the mirror. Matsuda doesn't want to wait to see him blush or look awkward or just look away, so he turns his head at once, looks out at the banks of wet grass. His heart's pounding again.

"Some police officers are getting attacked," he says, not wanting Aizawa to notice an awkward silence. "Like, Kira supporters who think the NPA should be doing more. Even traffic cops and stuff have been getting trouble."

"They'll give in soon." Aizawa's staring out of the window at the bleached-grey sky. "Takada's made accusations, after all."

Matsuda remembers what his dad said, thinks of a _fair trial_ , and, swallowing, makes himself ask, "You think they'll just... hand us over to -"

"What else are they going to do?" Ide says. "There's clearly something going on. And you know what they're like when it comes to Kira. Protocol gets... reshaped, to do what's necessary. The only reason they haven't acted yet is that Kira's held off on killing the top brass."

Silence. Matsuda wants to ask the other two what it would take for them to give in; how bad the threats to family need to get. Or if Raito manages to catch up, _says he'll kill us if..._ But then he thinks that that last one doesn't matter. He'll kill them whatever happens. They all know too much, right? There isn't any point in expecting him to be merciful. He needs them dead, and suddenly the smell of the car and the roar of the engine and the feel of the sweat on Matsuda's palms are all swallowed up by the realisation that he's going to be killed - 

"The only thing keeping us alive," Aizawa is saying, dull, quiet, "is that we know where the notebook is and he doesn't. That's all."

_Shut up,_ Matsuda wants to yell, _just shut up,_ like Aizawa's exaggerating or just trying to annoy him. Of course, he doesn't. He stares down at his feet, at his scuffed shoes and the lid of a coffee cup next to them. It seems so _wrong_ that there's a world which happily sells you coffee and simultaneously stands back and lets you get killed. He doesn't know why this should be such a surprise to him, but somehow it is.

They stop at a service station an hour or so later. Aizawa gets out without looking at either of them, slams the car door behind him hard. Ide doesn't move.

"You should stretch your legs while you can," he says to Matsuda.

"So should you."

Ide shrugs, and at last he climbs out of the car, and they stand leaning against it. They don't walk anywhere; there's nowhere but the station forecourt and surrounding patches of muddy ground. Their breath clouds in the air. Matsuda remembers being a little kid and pretending to smoke on cold days.

Ide is frowning, but as Matsuda looks at him he glances over as well, and they both look away. Matsuda can still remember how it felt, what they did, what they sounded like, and he understands, now, why getting friendly with people you work with is supposed to be a bad idea. People you've seen being snappy because they're stuck on a report, or asleep and snoring on a sofa, or just - just not caring what you think of them - you can't look at them the same afterwards. You can't act the same. Although with everything going to hell, perhaps he wouldn't be acting the same anyway. 

It doesn't matter. It's not going to go any further, that's what Ide said to begin with. It just happened and that's it, because they were scared. Now Matsuda's going to be braver, and so there won't be any more need to do something so stupid.

"Maybe the police won't give in," he says.

"We're not exactly acting like people who've got nothing to hide," Ide says. "And even if we told the police everything, it'd probably only get us killed faster."

"It might -" Matsuda swallows. "Some reporter spoke to my dad. They quoted him and everything."

"Oh, yeah? What did he say?"

"He said he thought Takada was being irresponsible. And... and I should get a fair trial." Matsuda tries to grin, but it doesn't seem funny any more.

"Still thinks you've done something wrong, though."

"Well, NHN keeps calling me a criminal - anyone would wonder, right?" Matsuda wraps his arms round himself; the air's clammy. "But - I mean, my dad's pretty traditional. If he thinks there's something dodgy about all this, then maybe other people would too. Other police officials, anyway. The Chief wouldn't - wouldn't have -"

"What are you trying to say?" Ide says, but he speaks sharply, like he thinks Matsuda's actually come up with something. 

"I don't - I don't know. Maybe, just... just - I mean, Raito doesn't want people to know about the notebook either, I bet. He doesn't want people to know that he needs a particular object to kill. I don't know, I just mean maybe we could... if we found a payphone, then we could..."

_Ask for help,_ he wants to say, but doesn't.

"It's risky," Ide says. "If we get in contact with someone and they've set up a trace..."

"But if we call Dad at work, then there's no way he'll have let NHN do that. The police aren't involved yet, so - I mean, if there was someone we could trust then -" Matsuda is suddenly desperate to try, they don't have to kill anyone, they don't have to die, it could all end -

"We'll ask Aizawa," Ide says. "It's his call too."

"I... yeah."

Silence again. Matsuda can feel the air waiting for one of them to change the subject. To say _look, about last night._ But he's not going to be the one to do it. For one thing, he doesn't know what he'd say.

"Why did you feel the need to go on the Internet at five a.m., anyway?" Ide asks.

"I didn't... I just... I just wanted to see what people were saying. Like... people online."

"People online don't tend to say much worth listening to, in my experience."

"I know, but you... get an idea of what people are thinking. And - and it tells you more than the TV does." Matsuda's fingers are cold now. He curls his hands into fists, stares down at the grimy patches of frost on the ground. And all at once he's hearing himself saying chirpily _I'll never betray you, Raito,_ and Raito just listened and _stupid, so stupid, why do you always want people to -_

Aizawa returns with three cups of coffee and a faintly truculent expression. Ide explains Matsuda's suggestion - Matsuda wishes he'd presented it as his own idea, but Aizawa doesn't immediately shoot it down, he just frowns, and then, as they climb back into the car, he says, "It's risky."

"Anything we do is risky," Ide says. "But if they trace us to this place, we can, I don't know, we can change our route. We're not aiming for anywhere."

"You think your father would see our point of view?"

Matsuda swallows. "Well... it sounds like he sort of does at the moment." He doesn't say _if he decides we are criminals, he's not going to turn a blind eye._ It's still better than most of the alternatives. Of getting caught. Or of using the notebook.

"You'd better be sure," Aizawa says. "You're the one who knows him best. If it all goes to hell -"

"I don't think it will. I don't."

Ide glances at him, but doesn't say anything.

"All right, then," Aizawa says. "Go ahead."

There's a payphone not far away, round the side of the service station building. Matsuda goes there alone - he can see Ide and Aizawa glancing at him from the car. If he got found out, could he run back there in time? Would they even wait, or would they just speed out of there? Aizawa and Mogi are the ones who know where the notebook was hidden, they're the ones who really need to keep moving -

His fingers are so cold it's hard to feel the numbers as he dials. He memorised a few key phone numbers a while back, because he was bored of all the games on his mobile and he was trying to think like a secret agent. The phone smells of sweaty metal, like coins in your hand. There's a metal shade round it, and the forecourt's pretty empty - the few people who are out are hurrying, not wanting to stay in the chilly air - but even so, if someone stood close to him they'd hear everything. 

_Well, I'm just going to have to sound not suspicious, then, aren't I?_

As it rings he thinks about how funny it will be if no one answers, how he'll make a joke and the other two will snap at him, how - 

"Akihiro Matsuda speaking."

Matsuda's mouth goes dry. There's no one around; the last driver slams his car door and starts the engine. 

He swallows, and manages to say, "It's - it's me. Touta." Stares round at the tarmac, the soggy crisp packets in the long grass, the oil stains. If he sees someone running towards him - _just drop the phone and run_ \- but what if it's a mistake, what if he gives himself away for no reason -

"You -" A deep breath, then, very quietly, his dad says, "Are you all right? What's going on? What the hell did you _do_?"

"I didn't - I'm sorry - " Matsuda takes a deep breath. "I can explain. I saw they'd quoted you, in the news I mean, and I thought -"

"I want you to tell me what you've done."

Matsuda remembers similar conversations in his childhood, when he'd been caught drawing on the walls or fighting with his brother. He never dared try and bluff it out and lie, or if he did, Dad always worked out that he was lying. This isn't a lie, so it should be easier, right? 

"We were trying to arrest Kira," he whispers, turning as well so that people can't see what he's saying. "It went wrong. Taki - Takada helped him escape. We managed to... to get hold of the thing that he uses to kill with. We hid it and... and he and Takada want it back."

Silence. On the other side of the forecourt, Ide and Aizawa are still watching; it's too far away to see their expressions.

"You're in a lot of trouble," his dad says at last.

"Yeah, I _know._ "

"Where - no, you don't need to answer that. Why did you call me?"

"I... if, if they get the police involved then... then things will be really bad, right? You'll know who we are. You can track us more and everything. I wanted... I wanted to let you know we haven't - we haven't committed any crime. The - we're trying to stop people being killed. We don't have a choice." That makes him sound like he knew all along what he was getting into, that he's being heroic, willingly accepting the situation. It's completely not how he feels, but Dad probably knows that. And of course it doesn't take into account how he and Ide nearly wrote down a name last night, but they _didn't_ , so it doesn't matter, does it?

A sigh. "You certainly don't now." Matsuda waits for the _I knew this would happen, you should have listened to me,_ but it doesn't come. Neither, though, does _don't worry, I'll sort this out._

"Do you know why the NPA haven't -" he begins. "I mean, are they -"

"As far as I know, no one's been given enough information that means they should act. A lot of people are assuming that if your faces are released to NHN, Kira will kill you. That doesn't sit well with - some people."

"I'm not asking you to help," Matsuda says. He sounds grumpy, but he knows what he really means is _I'm scared, I didn't mean to let you down, but it wasn't my fault, please, help us_ \- "I just - we thought people ought to know. I wanted you to know."

"I can't promise anything," Dad says. "But the NPA want information. They won't want to knowingly cause the deaths of innocent employees. I - I'll do what I can, you understand?" Which won't be much and Matsuda feels so stupid that he thought anyone would be able to do anything about this. (But why can't they? This isn't right, so why can't it be fixed?)

"You know I only have your story to go on," his father continues, "but NHN haven't given us anything better. I'll make sure people are aware of that -"

"It was NHN who kidnapped that girl!" Matsuda says, and wants to bite his tongue for not mentioning it earlier. "Takada did it to try and get Aizawa to give himself up. Can't you use that? That's actually a crime -" He tries to calm down, sound at least a little bit competent. "I mean..."

"I can't just accuse the country's primary broadcasting service and home of Kira's spokeswoman of kidnapping, no, if that's what you mean," Dad snaps. "But I can see what investigations are being made into the girl's disappearance. Point out, if necessary, whose culpability might be _suggested._ "

Matsuda swallows. "Yeah. I know. Sorry. I... I'm not saying you have to... to do stuff just because I'm family. But... but we didn't do anything wrong." He tries to sound like he's confident about this, but his voice cracks a little. He's not at all sure that _he_ hasn't done anything wrong. "I should... I should go, okay? Thanks for... thanks."

He's about to hang up, but Dad has already started speaking again: "Take care of yourself. And - thank you for calling. I've been concerned."

And that's it. There's no _how could you be so stupid_ or _this is all your fault_ or _you should have listened to me._ Matsuda makes himself say, "Right. Bye," like he's grown-up and normal and then he quickly ends the call before he does something embarrassing like starts crying or begging Dad to make everything okay or... or just something. Scurrying back to the car, the wind ruffling his hair and freezing the back of his throat, gives him a chance to get a grip, and by the time he's scrambling into the vehicle again he may not feel normal but he probably looks it, at least.

"Well?" Aizawa asks.

"He says... he says he'll do what he can." Matsuda stares down at his hands, breathes in the warmer air, which seems to taste of the inside of his mouth by now. "I think... I think he believed we hadn't done anything bad. That helps." _He didn't say it was my fault._ Part of him is ridiculously happy about that, relieved as if it genuinely was his biggest fear. But then the smart side of his brain knows what it really means. That this isn't about anything he's done on his own. That it's bigger than that. And that it's _definitely_ not something a parent can fix.

"You know," Ide says to Aizawa, "perhaps we should try making some calls ourselves. We both know there are people who aren't pro-Kira even if they're not coming out and saying it."

"Yeah, but they're definitely not going to want to come out and say it _now_ ," Aizawa says. "I think we should drive on. Then we can see if that call's brought anyone down on our heads."

After a few seconds, Ide nods, starts the car again. Matsuda stares out of the window as the service station slips away. 

One of the other numbers he memorised was Raito's. That'll still be in his phone, just lined up with his friends and family and colleagues and everyone. 

Someone who hates you this much, someone who tried to kill you, someone you shot, shouldn't just have had their number in your phone like everything's normal. You shouldn't be able to call them. And you definitely shouldn't be thinking that maybe, if you just talk to them, if you just explain and say how sorry you are, they'll forgive you. You have to keep hating them and you have to know that they're beyond being able to do any good. But right now, Matsuda can't summon up enough anger to manage that. He is, all at once, just scared.


	5. Fracture

Mogi can faintly hear the sound of running water; a door opening and closing nearby. His feet are cold, but he's warm everywhere else; covers tangled round him, and - 

And someone asleep on him. Smelling of perfume - a girl - her head on his shoulder, hair tickling his face. 

Footsteps coming closer; brief hum as a fridge door is opened. He needs to wake up properly, move, he can't just lie here - but already a voice above him: "Misa. I'm going to work now." 

Misa - and yes, he remembers now, and he would move away immediately if it wasn't that they're trying to make themselves look like a guilty romantic couple. Is that why Misa's cuddled up next to him? She's mumbling something that might be _uh-huh,_ shifting position a little, brushing against him; he feels like he's blushing, and he's hot enough to want to kick off the covers. He can feel her heartbeat against his shoulder. Fuyumi snorts, carries on, "Don't leave the front door open, don't eat all my food, and just don't - do anything stupid. _Please._ "

Misa mumbles something else, rolls over; Mogi feels her warmth move away, and is sorry about that despite himself. The front door slams, and he opens his eyes to see Misa curled up in her futon, to all intents and purposes still blissfully asleep. If he'd made a move on her in his sleep she wouldn't be so calm, she wouldn't have been so relaxed against him just now. So she must have chosen to curl up against him, even if it was just because she was asleep. Which it _was_ \- almost certainly, and if it wasn't then it was no different from how she clings onto his arm when he takes her shopping. To start reading more into it would not only make the lies he's telling her much worse, it would also really weaken any case he could make about why he chose to travel with her to begin with. 

She was small and supple against him, and he'd wanted to stroke her back, just to know how it felt. 

He grits his teeth, sits up; his clothes feel musty and crumpled and he knows he could use a shower. But - he glances at his watch - he wants to see the news first, before she's fully awake. Putting the TV on should be all right, as long as Misa doesn't actually witness Takada reading out the names of the accused and noticing her fiance's absence from the list. Is she somnolent enough that he can risk it? He glances over at her again. Her face has got that serious, stripped-down look people often get when they're asleep. She's still got a few smears of make-up at the corner of one eye. 

Why did he start this journey with her? Yes, Raito could have gone to her, but... it's difficult to remember, already, that this started with _Raito_ being the fugitive. Now Misa is just being used as someone who'll offer protection because she doesn't know any better. He shouldn't... His safety is his own concern, why is he trying to make it hers? 

Raito would _kill_ her, he reminds herself. If she got in his way, he would kill her without the slightest hesitation. _Just like he'll kill me as soon as he's able to._ And Misa has no idea of that danger. She might claim she loves Raito regardless of any threat he poses, but - but that's because she _is_ a hopeless romantic, she wouldn't want to believe he could hurt her. Mogi is protecting her from that, at least.

He quickly turns his gaze away from her and switches on the TV, immediately turning the volume down until it's almost inaudible. Misa sighs, shifts a little, but doesn't open her eyes. When Mogi looks back at the screen, Takada is there. He finds himself thinking that she looks tired as well; her eyes ever so slightly shadowed, her smile a little forced. But she talks all the same talk, and looking at her Mogi can well believe that she's not going to give in before they do. She mentions Aizawa's wife and children again, but no other loved ones. Mogi tells himself that if she had got hold of anyone who'd be useful, she'd be making that very clear. So... so it could be all right. For another day or so, at least. They're not looking for Misa, after all, so Fuyumi isn't going to be on their radar either. Not yet. 

It's entirely possible he's only worrying so much about how his behaviour towards Misa will look because it's better than worrying about everything else. 

He turns the TV off. Misa yawns, stretches out her arms, opens her eyes. 

"You had the news on," she says, sitting up, wrapping her arms round her knees. She isn't smiling.

"Yes."

"Have they... is Raito still okay?"

"I think so. There wasn't anything about anyone having been caught." Except, of course, that what he really means is _no, he's still in hospital, or possibly dead, because they haven't released my face on the news._ But Misa is smiling, bouncing up and down a little. She stops as she looks at him. "Things are okay, right, Mochi?"

Mogi thought he was doing better at putting on a brave face than this. He says something about how Takada mentioned Aizawa's wife, how he's concerned for the family. "Aizawa will be worried." 

"It'll be okay," Misa says, patting him on the arm. "Monchichi's really stubborn. And seeing them making her sad, that'll spur him to keep on fighting Kira. Just like with me and Raito." She swallows. "It's - it's easy to keep fighting, when you have someone to love you. Even if they're not with you right now."

"I'm sorry," Mogi has said before he can stop himself.

Misa turns to look at him. She gazes at him for a moment, and he wonders if he looks guilty, if she's worked it out. But her face splits into a smile suddenly, and the normal Misa is back. "I was thinking, you know what we need?" She giggles. "We need clothes."

"I... I suppose we do -"

"We _do_ , Mochi. Fuyumi's going to wonder why we don't have any if this is supposed to be... you know, a secret trip we planned." She winks at him. "Not to mention, Misa's clothes are getting all gross and icky. I was thinking, I'll borrow some of Fuyumi's stuff and go and buy us some new clothes, and I'll wash the things we have with us now."

"All right," Mogi says, trying to see potential problems and deciding he hasn't been awake long enough. Besides, if he told her to stay with him, that would suggest this really was about spending much time with her as possible.

"Yay! Misa will make you look _gorgeous,_ " she says, and points her fingers at him. He feels himself blushing slightly, and, ducking his head a little, says, "Non-suspicious will be fine, Misa." She's silent for a second, and he wonders if he's come across as rude, but then she says, "Well... Misa will go as soon as I've had a shower. I'll write down your size and everything!"

Once she's left the flat, Mogi cautiously gets himself some breakfast - Fuyumi has a couple of packets of cereal which he tries not to take too much of - and waits, taking the opportunity to leave NHN on while Misa's not there. But there's no new information released, and the flat seems too quiet without Misa there. Or, at least, it feels even less like he should be in it. 

He's just starting to regret agreeing to her going out - he knows she's capable of staying out shopping literally until there's nowhere left open, and what if she picks up a newspaper while she's there? - but surprisingly, she's back within a couple of hours, bags slung over one arm. 

"Tadaa!" She poses triumphantly with them. 

"I thought you'd be out for longer."

"Misa wasn't going to pretend like this was a day out," she says, flicking back her hair. "Misa knows this is serious. Besides, Mochi would be lonely, and it's kind of fun hanging out here when _she's_ not around, it's like playing house or something." She stops, and then, stumbling: "Did - did anything else happen on the news? I didn't want to look at any newspapers, I figured it would look suspicious if I acted like I cared..."

"No. It's all right."

She breathes out, makes her smile even brighter. "That's - that's really good. Okay, come and see the stuff I bought you."

"How much do I owe you?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter," she says, flapping a hand impatiently. "Mochi is helping Misa so Misa will help Mochi." She starts taking clothes out of the bags, holding them up against him. "Okay, it looks like they'll fit. Misa was worried. You're too tall -" She grins up at him. "Don't you find it difficult buying clothes sometimes? Misa had to really hunt for some of these."

"I..." And he doesn't know where the sentence is going, he just opened his mouth without thinking, wanting to be able to talk to her like she talks to him. Suddenly tired and a little embarrassed, like he's been caught laughing at a filthy joke, he says instead, "Sometimes. But I don't go shopping much."

She laughs, and then she seems to realise she's standing there with her hands on his chest. She quickly steps back, and Mogi follows suit, sudden heat all over his skin. For a moment they're both silent, before Misa bites her lip and says, loudly, "Except when Misa makes you, right?"

Mogi wants to smile back at her and say, _Right._ As if they're friends. As if they have in-jokes. And he _knows_ he's over-analysing things, he knows that brushing Misa off now won't actually do anything to salve his conscience because the lies will still be there and it won't make the moment they just had disappear, but all the same, he just nods, turns away, saying, "I should have a shower."

"If you leave your clothes outside the door," she says, quietly, "Misa will wash them."

"You don't have to do that."

"Misa doesn't have enough for one load all on her own. Mochi can take some of the new clothes to put on afterwards. Besides... if we have to go quickly, then at least we'll have more clean clothes to wear. People will notice us if we look dirty."

"That - that's true."

"There's still hot water left. Misa was careful." She looks sad and quiet, and so Mogi finds himself saying, "You're doing very well. A lot of girls would have gone to pieces by now."

A proud smile. "Yeah, well, I'm a lot tougher than some people think."

Mogi feels a little better, seeing her smile. He goes over to the shopping bags, quickly picks out some clothes to change into. Misa watches him, giggles. "Don't forget to leave your clothes outside the bathroom. Raito will be cross if he knows Misa's been looking at other men in the shower!" 

Mogi feels himself blush before he can stop it, and Misa blushes too, just a bit. He wishes, all at once, that she hadn't said that. 

"I won't forget," he says at last, and hastily turns away from her, before either of them can say anything else. 

***

Gevanni can't get over how much of a difference being able to sleep has made. He's generally good at surviving on snatched hours of rest, but all the same he sunk down into the dark in his head and he didn't wake up again until the sun had risen. The car is cool and clammy when he does open his eyes; the windows are mottled with condensation. He can hear birds, cawing absently some way off. He sits up, and his neck and his shoulders ache, and it feels like the car keys and the gun have imprinted themselves on his ribs, but he can _think_ , he can focus. Mikami is still in the front seat - slumped against the window now, asleep - and they're still where they parked the night before, and it doesn't seem like they've been surrounded by NHN bodyguards while he's been out. 

He moves back into the driver's seat and calls quietly to Mikami, not wanting to touch him unexpectedly. The other man opens his eyes eventually, glances round at the car as if he's reminding himself of where he is. Then he hunches over, hair hanging down to shield his face like it did in the warehouse.

"I'll drive on a bit and see if we can find somewhere I can buy food," Gevanni says. "Sounds good?"

Mikami is silent. He might just be taking time to wake up. Hopefully. Gevanni starts the car, drives slowly on down the street. 

"I need to get clean," Mikami says suddenly. "This is all so dirty, I... I can't go on like - it doesn't fit - I want to go back. Gevanni-san, I want to go back, I want to go home!"

"Mikami-san -"

"I know. I know it - I can't but - it's all _wrong,_ " Mikami raises his head, stares miserably out at the frosty grass, "nothing is right, nothing is ordered and - God has left me -"

"Calm down," Gevanni says, and slows the car a little. 

"I have ruined everything."

"You haven't. I know it's difficult for you. You like things to be the same, don't you? I saw that before."

Mikami breathes out, slowly, digs his fingers into his knees. "Yes. Things need to be organised. Controlled."

"What happens when they're not?"

"Too many... too many things - it - it -"

"You're just giving me the information," Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice calm. "Talking about it isn't going to make it happen. You're just helping me understand."

"Things must be ordered," Mikami says, his voice quietening a bit. "God wants the world to be ordered; everyone doing good and being good and then it all fits together. Like - like a pattern. God gives us abilities we use for the good of society and that improves society and benefits us and... and it all fits, do you see?"

"Yes, I think so." _Wish it was that simple._

"When we are clean and ordered we are instruments of God." Mikami takes another deep breath. "I understand what you said last night, Gevanni-san. I have accepted our agreement. God wants me to make the right choice and if - and if Kira is not - I must not fail again, I must pray and know the right choice. But this is so hard. I didn't realise how hard it would be."

"I know. And I'm sorry..." He doesn't know where he's going with that sentence, so falls back on, "It will probably help a bit to have something to eat, though, won't it?" 

Mikami shrugs a little, but his breathing is slowing back to normal and his fingers are no longer digging into his knees. 

"My mom always used to despair of the world before she'd had her morning coffee," Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice light and calm. "We'll find someplace and get some breakfast." He heads back onto the road, glancing every so often at Mikami.

"You don't support Kira," Mikami says at last.

"I... no. No, I don't." It is more terrifying than he'd imagined to hear himself admit it, casually, to this guy he's been trying to remain innocuous to for so long. He swallows, trying to ignore his suddenly dry throat, but Mikami only shrugs, if to say, _it doesn't surprise me that you lied about this too._

"Why not?" he asks. "You're a law enforcement official. You should be glad at how the world has changed."

Great. He shouldn't exactly be surprised at this question, but he's got away for so long without being asked it that he'd started to kid himself it would never come up. It _shouldn't_ come up; if things were normal, it would be as stupid as, _so, why do you think cancer's a bad thing?_ But for heaven's sake, there's no point in going down the it's-not-fair route.

Well. Start with the logical points, at least. Mikami will expect them. "I... I don't believe that it's right for one person to - to kill off anyone they don't agree with."

"But it isn't just people who _think differently,_ " Mikami says, sounding calmer now. Yes, he did expect that answer. He's probably had identical arguments before. "It's people who are criminal by anyone's standards. America carries out the death penalty as Japan does. Kira simply judges all those who would otherwise escape."

The anger's distant, like hearing a faraway explosion. Almost like he's only feeling it because he knows he should be, because he's looking for something to be angry about. He breathes in and breathes out and anger is the last thing he needs right now. _You want to lose it? Have a shouting match with him? Either you'll end up making him feel like he's scum because he hates making mistakes, or you'll make him think you're an idiot who got into this because they were blinded by personal reasons._ Except it feels so fucking treacherous to hide the truth of what Kira did to him, like it's not even a big deal, like he could forget to mention it, and, _she'd be seriously pissed off to hear you write her out of existence,_ but she wouldn't, would she, because she is _dead._

(All right, let it go now.)

"Well... not all of them would _otherwise escape._ Like you said, a lot of them were facing the death penalty anyway. And those that weren't... a lot of them didn't deserve to die for their crimes."

A shrug. "Anyone can be pure if they try. I try. Why should other people be judged to lower standards?"

(Don't _rise to it._ )

But he says, "Life can be pretty tough for some people, you know -" and he can hear the bitterness coming through in his voice and he knows he's giving into the anger and he doesn't care. But just as he's about to get really passive-aggressive about it -

"Why should other people be so lazy?" Mikami yells suddenly, turning to look at him, eyes so wide the whites are visible all the way round. "I know it isn't easy! Of course I know! But I tried hard. I never stopped trying even when I thought it would kill me. If I can do that, why can't other people? Why do they get to go on spoiling the world and hurting others because they are lazy? Why should we make allowances for them?"

"Hey, I know some people don't give a damn about anyone else's wellbeing, but it's not an either-or thing! You're not either a lazy bastard or a paragon of virtue, people can do something stupid just because they make a mistake." And he nearly says, _you know? Mistakes? Things human beings make? I doubt you would, being a fucking lunatic and all_ but at last his brain catches up with his mouth and he takes a deep breath and says, "Look... we probably shouldn't get into a debate about this. We both know where the other one stands, and it's not like we've got much room to get mad at each other."

Mikami sighs, slumps back in his seat.

"I didn't... I didn't mean that I am better than all others," he says. "I know I have sinned just as... just as much but - I care when I have done so. I strive to do better. What Kira is doing is making us all strive. Yes, it's through fear, but that doesn't matter, not when the end result is the world becoming a better place. People are scared anyway." A wary glance at Gevanni. "I... I've offended you. I didn't... I wasn't intending my remarks as a slight on you."

"I know." (Smile. Be the bigger man.) "I'm still not caught up on sleep, I guess I'm a little snappier than usual. I mean..." (You don't think there's any way you'll change his mind, do you? Winning this argument doesn't prove anything.) "I can see where you're coming from. Enough people treat others like shit and then expect to be tolerated for it. I don't like it either." Hell, if it was Louise's husband Kira had wiped out instead of Louise herself, Gevanni would probably have joined Mikami on the other side. 

"And did you not join the FBI in order to hunt down the wicked?" Mikami says.

"I don't... I don't know that it was exactly because of that. It was..." 

"What?"

"I was..." 

Hey, it's a chance to change the subject at least, if not an opportunity to convince Mikami that the anti-Kira lot are human beings too.

"I was at a loose end," he says. "I was at a loose end, my dad had his own ideas about the career path he wanted me to take... I guess putting an application in was something that would come out of left field. I figured it might shake things up a bit, even if it didn't go anywhere."

"You joined the FBI on a whim?"

Gevanni nearly answers, _yeah, but once I made it through the first round, I started relishing the challenge._ Or something else glib like that, but all at once he's too tired to be entertaining, and just shrugs. "It was an odd time." That's standard for _it's an involved story with no real ending which you don't actually want to hear about,_ but Mikami simply waits, as though all that matters is he hasn't been given a proper answer yet. 

"It felt like it meant something, I suppose. It felt... logical." He didn't mean to use that word - or perhaps he did, subconsciously, because Mikami nods, and says, "It is a good career. A good thing to do."

"Well... I didn't go into it to catch bad guys. Not exactly, anyway. I mean... I'm guessing that's why you became a prosecutor?"

"To punish the wicked. To serve God."

"Yeah... I just felt like... I don't know. It was a system that worked - sort of - and actually did something, and..." No, it wasn't a whim. The application, and the testing, and then the job itself, had all been something he worked on as carefully and tirelessly as he worked on the model ships - back at his mother's house then, lucky, he'd had enough room for the glue and the table by the window - sitting there for ages focusing on millimetres of space and not realising how much his neck and eyes ached until he stood up. 

Forging the notebook hadn't been like that. Forging the notebook had been an entire night in which every second he thought _if you fuck this up, you'll be dead and you won't even know you've fucked up until it happens_ and yet that had been an extra layer to the challenge, just another layer of logic, and so maybe things hadn't been so different after all. Heck, being in the SPK had been meant to be part of a system that worked, and ensuring Louise's safety would be a byproduct of solving the puzzle. And then she died, and most of the system died, and Near died, and the model ship analogy stopped working long ago. Huh. He'd brought one with him, a ship in a bottle that is, brought it on the _Kira case_ of all things, wrapped up in sweaters, and then at some point in the days after so many people had died and it was only him and Lidner and Rester and Near left, he had smashed the bottle and then the ship, quite methodically, grinding his heel down on it, feeling like it was someone else who'd made it. He'd forgotten he'd done that, until now.

"I don't believe you," Mikami says suddenly.

"Huh?"

"If you'd thought that - I mean, that it was a system that worked - you would have remained in it."

"That... well, for one thing, I didn't know then that things were going to play out like this, did I? I figured if someone's slaughtered thousands of people, the FBI are going to continue to make an effort to stop him doing it."

"That's really how you see it?"

"Well... yeah."

Mikami stares at him; Gevanni can see the shadows under his eyes. Eventually he sighs, and says, "Do you care?"

"About - about which part of it?"

"About no longer following the orders of your organisation. Of being apart from the system."

"Well, I could do with some backup right now." He grins, but Mikami, of course, doesn't smile back, just says, "You know that isn't what I meant." 

_I know._ But even as he says, "I suppose I don't have a choice..." his voice trails off. It's not like he and Lidner and Rester talked much about their organisation being disbanded by the President. Perhaps by that time they'd all recognised that those who toed the line weren't going to be the ones left standing. That Near and Mello and their rejection, in different ways, of normality, were what was going to end this.

Mikami would say _you wanted to rebel; you wanted to believe yourself to be a lone voice, like L, idiosyncratic and fighting against order and the majority. Your sister had gone against order, had defied the law, and you knew when it came down to it, the majority would champion her death -_

Mikami doesn't say that, of course, although it illustrated exactly why Gevanni's not giving him the full story. Instead, he simply says, "There's always a choice."

"I didn't mean I only stuck with it because I didn't know what else to do. I stuck with it because I think it's right." Or because he wanted to save a loved one. Or just because he didn't want Rester and Lidner and Near to judge him. Or because he liked being part of a small team of mavericks just like in the movies. 

Mikami sighs. "I wish you could understand."

"What, about Kira?"

"Yes. If God judges the wicked, that is good." He glances away, then back over at Gevanni; suddenly seeming nervous. "I assume you are not religious at all, Gevanni-san?"

"I... I guess not. I mean, my mom dragged me to church and Sunday School and stuff when I was a kid, but..." _It never seemed like it particularly mattered much,_ he nearly says. Like, what was the point of pretending you believed in that stuff when it was obvious in most cases it was people's own natures making them be exceptionally good or, more commonly, exceptionally evil? Human beings were complex enough that you didn't _need_ to imagine a God into the picture. 

Yeah, and then a god of death had given a killer notebook to some high school student and five years later everyone's gone crazy. _Okay, okay, I get it._

"May I try and explain?" Mikami says, softly.

"Well - sure."

At my high school, people were... unpleasant. There were some... four in particular..." 

His voice trails off, just like that, and he swallows, the muscles in his throat shifting under the square of gauze over the wound. 

"What, bullies?" Gevanni says. "I know there were some real jerks at my school." 

Mikami nods, a short, sharp movement. 

"No one... no one could do anything," he says. He swallows. "No one could stop them, and they corrupted others to their side."

"Right." _So high school made him do it? That's what he's saying?_

"They died." Mikami says it abruptly, but as he speaks his mouth fights its way into a smile. "They all died and... after that, everything was all right. Nobody hurt. Nobody scared. I... no one else _could_ have stopped them but God. If they had lived, they would have gone on -" His hands are clenching and unclenching on his lap. "Why should you live if all you do is cause pain to others? Why do you _deserve_ to live? In... in your line of work, you must have seen people who did terrible things and got away with it. I know I have, sometimes."

"Seen... seen things?" Gevanni says, like an idiot, because he's thinking of Louise's husband again, who'd been so clean-cut, so pleasant, always left a big tip and made you laugh when you were talking to him, who'd got his perfection scarred into even Gevanni's mind so much so that when his sister told him what the bastard was doing to her, for a split-second Gevanni thought - _she might be ill - there's medication for this kind of thing -_

Mikami nods: "There are always ones who escape judgement, if it is only humanity's judgement. And they go on and cause more pain. And don't say that they deserve society's protection."

Louise held it together in front of her kids all through dinner and while she packed and then broke down after they'd gone to bed; sitting on the couch, knees to her chest, _what else could I do? I thought he was going to kill me! I thought it wouldn't ever stop and_ \- fists pressed to her mouth - _yeah, it's all very well to say I screwed up **now** \- he'd have been after me for the rest of my life -_

Earlier than that, when the trial was still going on and she was tired all the time, she asked him - she made a joke about how bad it'd make him look to have a felon in the family, and then, with a sideways glance - _I've got to know. If they convict, are you going to... Okay, you said you wish you'd killed the bastard yourself, typical brotherly rage. But if it was one of those ethics questions, you'd say it was wrong. Wouldn't you? Anyone would. You might be able to understand why I did it_ \- and she said it like she wasn't sure he could, which stung, they always assumed the other one could _understand_ even if they didn't like it - _but intellectually... You'll tell Katy and Anne that what Mommy did was very, very bad._

He can't remember what he said back. That not condoning her actions didn't mean he'd approved of her husband's; something like that. She'd looked at him, and he thought he could see contempt, but then she'd just shrugged. _Look at me, seeking validation._ And walked away.

"Yeah, I've seen things," he says. "But you can't have it both ways. If they're going down for their crimes, so should the people who _take_ them down, if it's outside the law. That's how it works, isn't it?" And then all at once he knows that Mikami's going to say he doesn't agree and then Gevanni _will_ say _so Kira killed my sister for nothing_ and either Mikami will agree and it will be _true_ or he won't and there'll be more yelling. And so he says, "Anyway, just because someone's a jerk at one time in their life doesn't mean they're evil for ever. A lot of people aren't that great in high school. I think it catches up with them later."

"Really," Mikami says.

"Well... I know people used to start on people a lot at my school, and me, I just told myself it wasn't my problem." 

Mikami goes very still, and the temperature practically drops a few degrees. Damn it, if Gevanni hadn't been so rattled by his earlier thoughts he would've realised this was a really stupid confession to be making. But he's begun it now and breaking it off will just make him look worse. 

And so he carries on, the words damp and slippery in his mouth, "High school was boring. I told myself I didn't need to care about any of it... I was a jerk when I was sixteen. So I didn't... bother." He hears himself laugh. "And besides, if I'd said anything I'd have got it in the neck anyway. Good grades and a passion for model ships in bottles? Yeah, they'd have ripped me to shreds. But they didn't - just didn't notice - I mean - I knew how to keep quiet, and - and so I told myself it wasn't my problem all the way up to senior year."

He makes himself stop, then; he makes himself glance at Mikami again. The man's eyes are widened, but he still hasn't moved.

"Why are you telling me this?" he whispers at last. 

"I... I don't -"

"Are you expecting me to be _proud_?" And just like that he's hurled himself forward and Gevanni wrenches the car forward, off the road and they skid to a halt on the hard shoulder. The next moment Mikami is hitting out and Gevanni grabs his arms and wonders how he could have been so stupid. Mikami breaks free from him and one hand catches Gevanni in the mouth, and he tastes blood. (You didn't think, you just didn't think, did you _want_ to get him angry?) (Of course you did, just because he managed to piss you off earlier.) 

"Of course I'm not!" he yells. "I'm not proud, why would I expect you to be?"

Mikami pulls back, wrenches away from him, spits out words: "Then why are you telling me? Why are you talking to me as if I'll understand?"

"Can I finish? Maybe it'll make more sense when I'm done." Maybe. He puts a hand to his mouth - yup, his lip's bleeding. Mikami sees it, glances away, blushing suddenly as if he's regretting the attack. But he seems to be calmer, so Gevanni carries on, "Looking back on it now it all seems stupid, but... it was different when I was inside it. And then in my last year... I said I was at a loose end after college, you know? It was the same at the end of high school. Just came back after the winter break and... couldn't believe how stupid the whole place seemed. I thought I was pretty smart when I was seventeen, so I figured I was too smart to play the game. I figured I was above it all."

Mikami stares at him for a few seconds. At last, he says, "And?"

"And people got annoyed with me and showed me how I wasn't as smart as I thought, 'cause... because they _could_ rip me to shreds, if they wanted. So, I figured it wasn't worth the hassle."

"You gave in," Mikami says softly, but he doesn't sound as angry this time.

"I... yeah."

"Did they leave you alone?"

"I guess... more or less. It wasn't the best year ever, but... it helped that I didn't actually care about the place or the people. And... I was going to go to college. I knew this wasn't going to be for ever." 

He's not going to explain how _furious_ it made him; how he spent so much of that year hating people from behind a calm face. Because then Mikami will say to him _well, didn't you want someone else to teach them a lesson because you couldn't?_ And... he'll _say_ that he didn't, that he wanted to solve the problem himself, that it would have only made him angrier to have to see that nothing but divine intervention could have made any difference, but he knows perfectly well that if someone had given him the chance to change things somehow he would have taken it. If someone had dropped a killer notebook at his feet in the school parking lot, can he really say he wouldn't have considered using it to teach all those arrogant bastards a lesson? 

Louise was off at college by then, had never known about the incidents of that last year. It wasn't like he was going to bring it up with her. It would've sounded trite. _Of course I know what you went through._ But perhaps if she'd known she would have had more faith that he understood why she'd done what she did. Or perhaps not. Perhaps, like Mikami, she'd only hate him for standing by and watching others suffer.

"But you don't think you joined the FBI to stop evil," Mikami is saying now, calm and rational as if he's the confident young prosecutor and nothing more. 

"No, I don't. I think I did it because I wanted to do something that felt out of left field. Prove that things weren't the same all over."

"But they are," Mikami says. "Aren't they?"

 _Certainly looking that way._ Gevanni shrugs, rubs at his bleeding lip again. It feels like all the energy he got from a night's sleep has been swept away in this one conversation.

"I should not have attacked you like that," Mikami says, bowing his head a little. "I am sorry."

"Hey, I should've worked out how it'd sound to you." And the confident, calm version of himself, still there even as more and more of the lies and personae get stripped away, says, "You want to go get some breakfast now? I'm too hungry for deep conversations."

Mikami actually smiles at that, nods. Gevanni's willing to bet that the conversation hasn't changed either of their perceptions about Kira, but he wasn't suckered into making any deep confessions, and he can't ask for much more.

***

Things start getting worse a couple of hours after Matsuda called his father. 

_"We'll be bringing you more of the latest news headlines in an hour. Now, Kira's spokeswoman Kiyomi Takada talks to the nation about Kira's hopes for its future!"_

"I never realised before how they all just keep rolling the same headlines," Matsuda says from the back seat. "I mean none of what anyone's said has changed since we first put the radio on."

Ide is about to say something like _well, I see you haven't been paying attention to current events much in the last five years then,_ but then he sort of doesn't want to. Matsuda will only make some remark back like _yeah, but that's because I was too busy doing things like having romances, you know?_ Or perhaps he won't, not now. 

It's better to stay quiet, at any rate. He's the one driving now, he should be concentrating on traffic.

"It's good if nothing's changed," Aizawa says. "It means Takada and Raito haven't managed to take further action."

"I know. It's just... being on the run's really kind of boring."

Aizawa mutters something rude under his breath, but Ide can't help but feel Matsuda's got a point. All there is to do is stare out of the window at mile after mile of road, listen to vapid radio chat show hosts, and try not to think about the future. They can't even cross off the distance to a particular destination. All they're doing is waiting. 

The broadcast is reporting and replaying all of Takada's press appearances in the last twenty-four hours, including her usual nonsense about how everyone should be so grateful to Kira. Ide tunes out, wondering how the hell they got to this point, with a key TV station happy to not only profess their support for a serial killer but encourage the general public to make things easier for him to kill, and then all the other networks chipping in to show how much they agree. What if the world never comes out of this? What if Raito really has managed it? There won't be anything now but hiding and waiting to be found out. He's drifting off into a train of thought about his own long-term survival prospects and what the hell he could do to ensure he has even a hope of seeing his fiftieth birthday when suddenly Aizawa gasps, makes a movement towards the radio as if he wants to wrench it off, and Matsuda is calling from behind them, "No, don't - we should keep listening -"

"- about the rise in crime rates in the last few days?" Takada is saying.

"I think that the police have a job to do, and I'm sure they're doing their best to carry it out." 

It's Aizawa's wife, her voice flat and tired. Ide tries to keep his face blank, but already his thoughts are scrabbling around inside his head, _oh god, what's that bitch going to do to her - oh **god** -_

"Oh, I'm sure they are as well," Takada says. "But let's face it, Aizawa-san, they're only human, aren't they? They can't be everywhere at once. We saw earlier how many more crimes there have been even after only a day without Kira's judgement. Isn't it obvious that Kira is simply a better deterrent?"

"I wouldn't know," Eriko says. "I don't think about it much."

"Is that because your husband has evidently been an enemy of Kira since Kira appeared?" Takada says, fake-sympathetically. "It must have been hard for you. Wouldn't you like to tell him how much you want your children to grow up in a world without crime and evil?"

Ide glances at Aizawa. The other man is dead white, teeth gritted.

"I'm sure we all know how hard it is when our boyfriends or husbands prioritise other things over us," Takada says, and Ide can hear the conspiratorial smile in her voice. "They might think they're always right, but we know better, don't we, ladies? Many of you listening at home I _know_ are wondering how you would feel in Eriko Aizawa's position, having to accept that her husband has done wrong. Aizawa-san, wouldn't you just like him to put an end to all of this?"

There's a few heartbeats' worth of static-edged silence. Then Eriko says, hopelessly, like she's half-asleep, "All I'd like is to know my family are safe. _Please_ , Takada-san -"

Takada cuts across her: "Well... in an NHN exclusive, I can reveal that your daughter's kidnappers have sent us a recording of her voice. We're going to play this now, and perhaps it will get through to your husband where you've failed."

Ide expects a lisping message, Kira's truth from the mouths of infants, but there's nothing so trite. Instead, there's just the sound of a little girl sobbing, her voice tired and raspy. The sobs occasionally give up words. _Mummy. I want my mum._

Pathetic, he tells himself, manipulation, such a cliche, but that doesn't help. As the recording ends, he can hear faint gasps and sniffs; Eriko crying. "It's all right," Takada is saying gently. "I understand this is extremely painful for you."

" _Fine_!" Eriko is actually shouting it now. "I'll say it, I - just make this stop! Please make this stop! I know it - but -" Her voice wobbles, but then, with an audible effort, she carries on, "Shuichi... she's your _child_! She's your child and they're going to kill her! Oh, _god_ -" and then her voice breaks up into sobs. 

"And as Kira's spokeswoman," Takada says, "I will do my utmost to get that message to the people it needs to reach. In the meantime, we'll be bringing you up-to-the-minute news of the fugitives and keep broadcasting Kira's words. I'm Kiyomi Takada, and -"

Ide has turned the radio off before he can think.

"They won't," Matsuda says. "They can't kill her, the police would be down on them for sure. And you said they'll want to -"

Ide looks round at him, shakes his head; Matsuda swallows, stops talking. 

"Put it back on," Aizawa says. His voice is very still, very even. "We need to keep track of what's going on."

"But -"

Aizawa wrenches the radio back on; his hands are shaking. 

"We keep going," he says, sounding like he's struggling for breath. "We call their bluff and keep going."

"We -"

"I said we keep going, all right?" Aizawa yells. "She's my kid, it's my call! We just go on like we already are!"

So they do. Ide tries to keep his eyes on the road, but it's difficult not to keep glancing at Aizawa, who's clearly this close to losing it completely. In the end Aizawa actually snaps at him to stop staring, and he does try, but even keeping his eyes on the road he can hear his friend's shaky breathing. _We call their bluff and keep going._ What if it's not a bluff? What if Takada starts having fingers sent through the mail or something? No, NHN have got to keep Eriko compliant, surely if there was actual evidence they'd hurt her child then she'd bail on them, refuse to make any further pleas - or would she just break completely, say whatever NHN told her to? She must know that if Aizawa does what she's asking him, he'll be dead. Surely if they actually do anything to the kid, Eriko will tell them where to go, point out this way at least her husband survives? But perhaps it doesn't matter if she does. If the child is killed, Aizawa will lose it, he'll go back, or kill himself to get Takada to leave his family alone -

At seven p.m. - no further news, just repeats of the earlier appeal, the crying - he pulls off the road get fuel both for themselves and the car. For a number of reasons he doesn't want to leave Aizawa and Matsuda alone together, so he says to the former, "Come with me, I'll need a hand."

Aizawa scowls at him - _yeah, I know,_ Ide thinks, _you don't need any sympathy_ \- but climbs out of the car.

The shop is warm and seems too bright and busy after the darkness of the car. Ide finds himself blinking, and seems to see the road scrolling past his vision when his eyes are closed. He stares at the coffee machine, tries to follow the instructions. If he killed Takada, if he wrote in that she died after letting any prisoners go - but what if it didn't work? What if she'd set things up so the people guarding Youko Aizawa wouldn't listen or whatever? Or, she could let the kid go and then someone else in NHN could pick her right back up again. And if it _didn't_ work, if Takada just died of a heart attack, then Youko would still be trapped, and there's no way Takada wouldn't have set up some kind of contingency plan for her death anyway...

He carries the coffees over to the counter; Aizawa has picked up some snacks, packaged sandwiches. Above the counter there's a TV, and Ide realises, after a second, that it's playing a news channel. He doesn't want to look at it but there's a certain fascination in staring, in hoping that it'll stick with broadcasts about faraway wars and corrupt politicians, that it won't -

 _Fugitive's wife suicide attempt on televised appeal,_ scrolls across the bottom of the screen.

There's no sound, but onscreen Ide can see a TV studio with an NHN logo across the wall, a crowd of people. Takada is standing apart from them, watching the chaos. The camera zooms in on her face for a moment; her eyes are narrowed, but as she realises she's being filmed she blinks, bites her lip. The text keeps scrolling. _Kiyomi Takada promises NHN's support. Police turn up no leads in kidnap..._ Ide can't bring himself to look at Aizawa. He'll react, somehow, he'll give them away. Maybe he hasn't spotted it? Maybe if Ide stops looking at it, Aizawa won't notice - 

But it doesn't matter. There's a guy and a girl in the queue ahead of them, chatting away. "God, so rough on her," the girl is saying, looking up at the screen. "I reckon I'd off myself if it was me. I mean, her husband's screwed whatever happens, right? You'd feel so bad." She picks up the can of Coke her boyfriend or whatever is paying for, opens it, takes a gulp. "I'd feel so bad if I was supposed to be some kind of honey trap. You see it? Miyuki was watching it at the time, she called me like right away. She said it was with a razor blade. _So_ rough on her." 

Ide still can't look at Aizawa. _Please not this, not this on top of all else_ \- and fury at Eriko, too, doesn't she understand that this isn't just about her, her family? His thoughts remind him that he's hardly been putting what's best for the world above what's best for him, but he manages to ignore them because he's fighting to keep his face blank as he pays for the gas and the coffee, not daring to look at the cashier either. Aizawa is very quiet, his breathing heavy. Ide almost drops the change he's given, grits his teeth as he waits by the glass door. Aizawa is paying now; Ide can hardly raise his eyes from the floor, the guy will give himself away, or they'll see the cashier glancing at them, frowning -

Outside it feels even chillier now apart from the coffee cups warm against Ide's hand. He tries to focus on that, but as Aizawa catches up with him he has to say, the words sticking in his throat, "Let's just get back to the car, okay?"

"You knew," Aizawa says, and his voice is wrenched out and hardly sounds like his at all. "You _knew_ -"

"We can talk in the car." Ide wants to sound reassuring but, as usual, he ends up irritated. Whatever. They climb back into the car without anyone rushing after them and once out on the road no other vehicles follow them and Ide keeps driving, managing not to speed.

"What happened?" Matsuda says from the back seat. "Did we get recognised? What happened?"

"Aizawa's wife tried to suicide live on NHN," Ide snaps.

"Oh, god... Is she - will she be okay?"

Ide flicks the radio on, moves from station to station. Why isn't there another news report? They're always blaring it out when it's about hunting the three of them down, why is it suddenly just music and insipid chatter now? They're back on the motorway; that's comforting, at least, being one of a stream of anonymous cars that could be going anywhere. Aizawa gazes at the radio, swallowing, his face sallow in the lights from above rushing over them. 

As NHN tells the story, Eriko Aizawa smuggled in a razor blade when she was making another appeal to her husband, and slit her left wrist in a desperate attempt to assuage the shame her family are currently suffering. As others tell the story, she prefaced her action with the words _this is for Shuichi and Youko - and for Kiyomi Takada_ \- and is now currently stable and recovering in hospital. It takes about an hour to piece this together, from half-heard news broadcasts, moving from channel to channel. Throughout it, Aizawa just sits, staring at the radio, looking numb and sick.

When they've heard the second version on three different stations, none being NHN, Ide finds himself relaxing a little, realising that his arms ache. He turns the radio down, and changes lane.

"Where are we going?" Aizawa says at last.

"I'm -"

"We need to go back."

Ide feels his heart sink. "I don't think that's a good idea -"

"Don't patronise me," Aizawa says. "She's got nothing to do with this, so why the hell should she be the one to die for it? If I'd been thinking, I'd have -"

"What? Given yourself up, got us killed too, handed the notebook straight back to Kira?" Aizawa starts to speak but Ide can't bear to hear him say _yes_ so he carries on, "If it was that simple, why the hell did you stick around all these years? God, we could have made things so much easier for ourselves -"

"That's not what I said." Aizawa looks like he might actually throw a punch this time. "You - how dare you talk like -"

"Well, talk some damn sense then!" Ide knows perfectly well it's not Aizawa he's really angry at, that he just doesn't want to hear Aizawa say that's it, he's done, but that doesn't help calm him down. Aizawa's meant to be the stubborn one, he's meant to be able to get a grip, to be able to cope - _they've got to him,_ he finds himself thinking, _they've got to him and so what hope do any of us have?_

"Will you let me actually finish a sentence?" Aizawa says. "I'm not turning myself in to NHN and I'm not going to tell them where the notebook is! But they'll keep hounding Eriko as long as I'm on the run, won't they? She did what she's done because otherwise they'll just keep on at her to get me to give up. So I... I need to change that. You two can take care of yourselves..."

His voice trails off, which confirms to Ide that his suspicions are correct.

"I need you to... to drop me off somewhere where..." Aizawa stops again. "Not all the way back to Tokyo, just a place where..."

Silence for a few seconds. More lights rush over them, edges rippling. Matsuda has leant forward; Ide can just feel his breath. 

"You can't," he says at last, and he sounds childish and miserable and he swallows, tries to put some strength back into his voice. "You can't... you think that's what she wants? You think she was trying to get you to kill yourself in her place?"

"I think she's tired of being told she has to choose between my life and Youko's!" Aizawa snarls. "I think she was looking for a way out of having to pick! I left her in the lurch with that decision to make and she's done _nothing_ \- I just left her in the firing line -"

"It wasn't -"

"No! We all know we're none of us vital to the Kira case, we never were! It just needs someone to stand up to him and a goddamn super-genius to have the ideas! Now, if I die it'll get NHN off Eriko's back and probably get Youko safe too, and you two won't be any worse off. So drop me off when we next get somewhere, keep going, and _stop making this difficult._ "

Ide takes a breath - it hurts the back of his throat - and tries to force down the resentment that he's _not_ just making stuff difficult, he's trying to help - he's got to be able to think up some argument that's not just _you've done nothing wrong, you're probably the best person of the three of us, you shouldn't let the bastards get you killed._ Aizawa's not thinking straight, he - it's so _stupid,_ and - _why are you doing this? Why are you - **caring** so much?_ It's a ridiculous, childish question, but he's asking it anyway. 

"Well, what about her?" he says at last. "How do you think she's going to feel if she - when she finds out she drove you to this?"

"That's not what's going on -"

"She'll think it is." Ide can feel his heart pounding, sharp stabs catching his words. "She said she was doing it for you, didn't she? She meant to - to take herself out of the game so you could carry on." He has no idea if this is true or not, but Aizawa hasn't shouted him down yet, so he continues, "That's why she made the attempt on NHN - not in a hotel bathroom or whatever - and now, everyone's seen her do it, haven't they? So she's showing she's not going to carry on guilt-tripping. It was a calculated move." Maybe he's actually right about this. Eriko Aizawa has always seemed relatively intelligent, so if she'd really wanted to die, or severely incapacitate herself, she'd have made a better job of it. Of course, it's entirely possible she had no _want_ in her mind at all. But if that's the case, isn't Ide doing her a favour, stopping her husband taking an unnecessarily permanent step in response to one person's moment of despair? Oh, hell, he doesn't know, all he knows is there is no way he is driving Aizawa to the nearest town and leaving him to jump off a bridge or whatever.

Aizawa hasn't answered. When Ide glances over, the man has turned his face away; his reflection is pale. 

"She thought if she were _dead_ , that would be removing an inconvenience for me?" he says at last. "She thought I was desperate to keep hunting Kira and the only thing in my way is her?"

"She knows that taking Kira down is important to you, is all I meant."

"Important I'd ask her to sacrifice herself to the cause, evidently!" Aizawa actually rests his head in his hands; Ide wants to say that that isn't what he meant, he only meant that obviously Aizawa had been putting his heart and soul into the case for years and Eriko wouldn't want him to die for her instead, but he can't say that out loud. His mind rattles around trying to think of some other argument, some way to save the situation, but it's Matsuda who cuts in, says, flatly, "No, that's not it. She knows you love her, is all. She knows it would hurt you to see her sad. That's why Takada got her on NHN in the first place."

Aizawa turns round to look at Matsuda; Ide keeps his eyes on the road and his mouth shut. If Matsuda's romantic claptrap works where actual logic has failed, then fine.

"She doesn't want anyone to die," Matsuda says; he sounds dull, almost angry. Jealous, perhaps? _Idiot._ "She doesn't want to keep having to hurt you. And she doesn't want to make you get killed. Taki can't make her keep going on NHN now. Or... or if she does, it'll make people say it's mean."

"And Youko?" Aizawa says, but there's little of his usual truculence in his voice.

"Well, that's why it wasn't a... a dangerous suicide attempt," Matsuda says. "So she's still alive to make sure the kids end up okay."

Aizawa sighs, but he slumps, and he doesn't ask where they're going. Ide drives on through the dark, not daring to speak, or to stop, in case it gives Aizawa more stupid ideas. In the end it's Aizawa who says, "We should stop for tonight. No point in keeping going when there's nowhere to get to."

"Are you going to -"

"We'll all get some sleep," Aizawa says, in a no-discussion voice, "and review the situation again tomorrow, okay? Now just... just come off at the next junction."

Ide catches another glimpse of his face in the window. The furious determination from earlier is gone; now there's just unease. Whether or not Ide and Matsuda are right, Aizawa can't take any decisive action, not now he's got doubts. If something awful - well, more awful - happens to Eriko or the children now, Ide's going to feel like scum, but he can't keep going with this journey if he keeps worrying about what _might_ happen.

They stop about half an hour later; a small town and a house which advertises rooms for holidaymakers. Ide doesn't like the lack of anonymity, the fact that their hostess (who looks like her main role in life is being someone's mother) smiles and greets them and asks them where they're heading. Of course Aizawa's in no state to make up a plausible story and Ide realises he just didn't think of it, but Matsuda comes out with all this stuff about how they had to make an unexpected detour on their business trip after _Aihara-san_ had a family bereavement. Whispers quietly that _it was his son, you know, he_ \- until Ide snaps at him to stop going on, terrified the man will contradict himself sooner or later. But the woman looks genuinely saddened, and tells them several times if there's anything, anything she can do... Aizawa actually thanks her like he means it. Perhaps he's just glad to have someone offer sympathy rather than tell him it's his fault his wife tried to kill herself. 

Sitting down, in the warm, Ide finds himself forgetting, for a bit, what the situation is and how much danger they're in. The woman cooks them food which is better than any of the stuff they've had since leaving Tokyo, and they're the only people at the guesthouse so there's no one else to worry about eavesdropping. He sleepwalks through this calm, but as he finishes eating, memory starts rising underneath the peace, and his heart hammers again, as if just by forgetting for a bit he's doomed them all - _did I keep my mouth shut? Am I sure I didn't give something away - what's our story meant to be, Aizawa still looking like hell -_

They're welcome to stay down in the main room, she says; there are newspapers, TV, she's happy to make some tea - but if they'd prefer to sleep - Ide is half on his feet before she's finished the sentence, stammering out something about how he's so tired. Matsuda scrambles up after a few seconds like he's missed a cue, but Aizawa says, flatly, "Tea would be good -" and then, not looking at Ide, "I'll see you two later."

Ide's instincts are yelling at him to insist, that if they split up that will be it, someone will say the wrong thing, but he can hardly make a big deal of it. Aizawa's got a plausible cover story for why he looks so drained - hell, he could passably use it if he reacts to more news about Eriko, could say it reminds him of his own family, his own loss - and Ide desperately wants to be out of the way, unobserved, even if he suspects sleep's not going to be achievable tonight.

The room is small, mat-floored; futons are rolled up to one side. Ide stands staring hopelessly at them, it all seems too difficult even to unfold them, and it's Matsuda who creeps past him and starts preparing the room for them to sleep in. 

"You look tired," he says, abruptly, back to Ide, as he works. 

"Yeah. Well. I haven't -" He's about to say _haven't been getting much sleep,_ but his stomach lurches as he remembers why he wasn't getting much sleep last night. Matsuda goes still for a second, then carries on, voice too loud, "It'll be okay. He'll - he'll be okay. He just... panicked, you know? I always thought he wouldn't, but I guess he's just like the rest of us underneath. Or like me, anyway. Not - not that I'd know what it feels like, having someone who..." 

Ide feels like there's some response required of him, but he has no idea what it is. He sits down on the floor anyway, near the door, and pretends he's interested in the corners of the room, the lamplight. Looking at Matsuda, even when they're not facing each other, is making him remember too much, that Matsuda pressed close up against him and Ide was ridiculously aware of this, that his skin had tingled like he'd been caught in the rain. There'd been noise, involuntary gasps and half-sentences. He'd talked like - like the event had been nothing more than the culmination of long-held hopes. While the entire country is searching for them and Aizawa's loved ones are being threatened and driven to suicide on national TV, Ide was groping a colleague like - like some - god, he doesn't even know. He always assumed workplace affairs were cliches made up by bored writers. If anyone knew, they'd hardly believe it - or they'd be incredulous that he could be so - so _weak_ \- so useless as to seek comfort in sex rather than actually do anything to get them out of this situation.

Usually, when he's ashamed of something he's done, he reflects on it for a short while and then shoves all the negative feelings away, telling himself he's learnt his lesson, he won't be so stupid again, and now he should forget about it. But now he finds himself arguing back - at himself, at Aizawa if he were ever to find out, at everyone who'd laugh at him for pretending to be so responsible - _I'd like to see you do any better! Why should I give a damn about what anyone thinks, at this rate I'm going to go down in history as a criminal anyway._ Doesn't matter that he toed the line, did what was right, only got into this damn case to help a friend who's being hounded to death himself because of it. He'll die and then they'll broadcast news of his death as a joyous event on NHN. 

When it comes down to it, it doesn't _matter_ who he might or might not have kissed - there's nothing he can do to change the reputation Raito and Takada have decided to give him -

He is so angry, almost as if he's learning anew the truth of what's happened, that he can hardly breathe. And he is tired and scared and even Aizawa's bailing on him now, wanting to take the easy way out, and - he is thinking, over and over, _I deserve something good, I deserve something that isn't a complete nightmare_ and perhaps it's that or perhaps it's just spite, trying to show that he doesn't care what anyone thinks, or perhaps it's he'd rather not be the person who can't stop any of this and couldn't protect Aizawa from the pain Takada's putting him through and won't even be able to stop him dying if that's what he decides later. He'd rather be someone else. Someone who kisses whoever he wants. 

"Matsuda," he says, before he can change his mind, because then of course Matsuda looks round, warily, and says, "What?" and so Ide _has_ to say something. What he actually says is, "I want..." and then, "Aizawa might not come up for a while yet," and then, "You certainly seemed to enjoy it well enough last night," snapping it as if he's already been turned down. He realises the next second how humiliating it will be if Matsuda _does_ turn him down, but the other guy frowns, and then, shifting to come and sit next to him, says, "I thought you said it... it wasn't going to go any further."

"And it won't." He's tense now, nervous excitement thrumming through him, and that galvanises him enough to lean in, awkwardly attempting a kiss, because Matsuda is capable of debating the issue all night. Thank god, Matsuda works it out before they concuss each other or anything, and Ide feels the rage and resentment channelled into this, and the fear no longer alert for anything more than footsteps coming up the stairs.

When he does hear that, he makes himself push Matsuda away even though it takes all his strength to do it. And so when Aizawa walks in, Matsuda's over the other side of the room and gets up almost immediately mumbling about asking Sato-san because he can't remember where the bathroom is. Aizawa doesn't even roll his eyes or shake his head at Matsuda's assumed cluelessness - he hardly seems to notice either of them at all - and that makes Ide feel sick and so he prepares for bed and assumes sleep as fast as is convincing and, once he's lying in the dark if he thinks about Matsuda and Matsuda's mouth against his and how Matsuda shivered and twitched against him then that's no one else's business. It isn't like there's any _point_ thinking about their other problems. 

***

Takada tells herself that at least both the man she loves and the woman she's meant to be keeping under guard have been taken to the same hospital. It's not much of a bright side, but at the moment, it's all she has.

While they deal with Eriko's wound, Takada speaks to the doctors in charge of Raito. She can see their reluctance to talk to her - as far as they know, she is nothing to him (of course she _isn't_ nothing, but he's hardly been in a state to tell them that) but it isn't as if they can refuse Lady Takada anything. Another bright side; things were so much more difficult - petty bureaucracy, red tape, having to stand in line - before she became Kira's spokesperson.

What they tell her isn't good, though. Raito's wound had been unwieldy, tricky to handle, and then infection had set in. They had done their best, but unfortunately, had ended up having to amputate. They watch her nervously as they tell her this, in case she brings down Kira's wrath on their heads. She assumes an appropriate expression of concern, but inside her there is a small breath of relief. Raito will be recovering from the operation for at least a few more hours, and that gives her time to take steps to make the situation look better. Not that things have descended into chaos yet, but - it's nice to have your deadline put back.

The next thing to do, then, is talk to Eriko. The woman is in a room on her own (apart from the NHN official sitting in one corner), left arm swathed in white, looking worn out and old and yet there's definitely a spark of satisfaction in her eyes. That settles it. Oh, she may play the terrified grieving wife, caught in a hellish choice, but the attempt was hardly a desperate cry for help. It was a cool-headed attempt to claw back some power. Takada would almost respect it if she weren't so furious.

"How are you feeling?" she asks.

Eriko looks up at her. 

"I've been better," she says. "As I'm sure you can imagine."

"You should have told me you were feeling so desperate. I would have done everything I could to help you." Takada's quite sure Eriko _wants_ to make her angry, provoke her into screaming and stamping her foot. There is no way she'll get that satisfaction. _I'm on the winning side. The side of good. You don't get to have a new world **happen** \- you have to work for it._

Eriko doesn't answer, just lets her gaze move back to the opposite wall.

"There shouldn't be any lasting damage, the doctor said. If you're sensible." Takada sits down; the chair legs screech on the bare floor. "But I do need to know why... why you felt the need to make such a gesture. Especially while on camera."

Eriko actually raises her eyes to the ceiling, as if she can't believe how stupid Takada is being. "I know perfectly well that you'll do anything you can to get my husband and his colleagues killed, and I don't feel able to assist you in that any more. If you must know."

"But... what about your daughters?" Takada uses the plural on purpose, and is rewarded by Eriko's breath catching for a moment, her hand on the sheet trembling until she grips a fold of cloth. 

"I've done all I can, Takada-san," Eriko says at last. "I've begged my husband to turn himself in. I don't doubt that you'll continue to make implied threats to him about what might happen to us, but the nation _has_ got very interested in our fate, so killing us live on NHN would probably be a step too far, don't you think? Yumi's terrified already and I don't want to think about - about what - what might be happening to Youko. What are you thinking of doing next, exactly?"

Takada breathes in and breathes out and looks down at her neatly manicured nails resting on her skirt. For goodness sake. She is reacting exactly as Eriko wants her to. And yes, it will be difficult to keep up the appeals, but she has to keep in mind that she still has Shuichi Aizawa's family, and she can still use them for bargaining purposes later. It's all right. She has _not_ made a mistake. She hasn't - 

"Where did you get the razor blade from?" she says instead.

"Yumi got hold of it for me."

"I'm not sure that's true, Aizawa-san."

"No, it isn't true," Eriko says, still addressing her words to the ceiling, bored, _contemptuous_ , "but you're already punishing her for daring to have a father who disagrees with your views. I don't particularly feel like giving you more targets."

And Takada doesn't even _care_ much about tracking down the chambermaid or bodyguard or bystander who got duped by Eriko's protestations of misery, but she is so tired of the woman stonewalling her, being so obstinate, and she really resents being talked to as if she's the bad guy. So she says, coolly, trying to keep the brittleness out of her voice, "That's all right. I understand. And I'm sorry if I seem a little curt. Really, this is an opportunity. I'm sure once your husband sees how difficult things are for you, he'll take steps to make sure you're safe. Maybe he'll try to find you here, or maybe he'll just make it so we don't need to look for him any more." The last line is meant to be casual, but it ends up sounding too pleased. It doesn't matter, though, because Eriko goes white, and though she doesn't look round, Takada sees her swallow nervously.

"I didn't have him down as the romantic type," she carries on, "but he wouldn't be the first to suicide to save his family from further trouble. I hope for all our sakes that doesn't happen, but you never know what someone might do when they've received a shock like the one he must have."

Eriko laughs, sharply. "I wouldn't have pictured you as a romance fan. I can tell you Shuichi's priority has always been the Kira case." But her voice is numb, and catches on the last few words. Takada feels warm, safe; it's all right, she's winning after all. Getting to her feet, she says, "Well... that's your perception. Perhaps you're right, judging by his lack of response to your appeals so far. Anyway... I should let you rest. They'll bring you back to the hotel when you're better - don't worry, you'll be quite safe."

She gets to her feet and she is almost at the door when Eriko says - too loudly, like she had to nerve herself up to it - "Why are you doing this?"

For goodness _sake._ Takada turns round, fixing a patient look on her face, and says, "What exactly?"

"You can't seriously believe you're on the side of good." Eriko's actually smiling; a horrible, shaky smile, like a mocking old woman's face. "Not after what you've done to my daughter. When you first became the spokeswoman, I assumed Kira had asked you to - I mean... I thought you probably couldn't have said no. You'd have died. But you really like this, don't you? You really enjoy putting yourself high up on a pedestal and looking down on everyone." Her breathing is speeding up. "You - smug little bitch, I've seen you watching me, waiting to see me get upset - you make me _sick_ -"

Takada manages not to get drawn into a slanging match. She just says, clearly, "You're obviously overwrought. I'll speak to you again when you've calmed down." Then she goes, and even manages not to slam the door. 

_Honestly._ How dare - after all, Takada is doing this for the _world_ , for people like Eriko Aizawa and her children - nice families, good people who work hard and do their best. It isn't like any of the people Kira judges would treat a five-year-old child any better - and she doesn't _enjoy_ this! She is tired, she wants Raito to wake up and take his place as the new world's god and for her to be at his side. She is _holding things together,_ this isn't some kind of power game. How can that stupid woman even think -

Well. Well, how lucky it is she has walked away, didn't enter into an argument. Eriko is clearly not quite stable. It doesn't matter. What matters is the current situation. After all, the game hasn't been lost yet. It's entirely likely that Eriko's behaviour will turn out to be a favour for Kira. And even if it doesn't, there's still time before she sees Raito again, before he's in a state to listen to her report. While he's unconscious, she'll prove to him she's worthy of looking after their new world.


	6. Spark

When Fuyumi comes back from work, Misa runs to make her a cup of tea and pull out a chair and says she'll go and buy food and even make dinner for them. Fuyumi gives her a look, but doesn't say anything. Mogi can imagine Misa's used this approach to get back on her sister's good side a lot. He wonders if it used to work better. But perhaps Fuyumi just doesn't trust anything Misa is doing right now.

As the sound of Misa's excited footsteps fades away, Fuyumi sighs, cups her hands round the mug of tea, glances at the table as if she has no idea what to say to this virtual stranger her sister's left her with. Eventually, though, she asks, "Can I get you some tea? Misa's neglected you." 

"That would be nice, thank you." He makes himself smile. "Misa-Misa can be a little impulsive sometimes, can't she?" He expects Fuyumi to smile back, or roll her eyes and shake her head in exasperation, but instead she just says, "Mm," and presses her lips together, still not looking at him. Perhaps she's reflecting on the way Misa abruptly moved to Tokyo. Or something else.

At last she says, "You've known Misa long, Moji-san?" 

"About five years or so. Though it doesn't feel that long!" His voice sounds too loud in her tiny kitchen. He rather wishes he could drop the manager pose, talk to her as he really is. In some ways, her reticence reminds him of himself, and he's rarely motivated to talk when other people are being loud and enthusiastic. "She hasn't been back to Kansai in all that time, though. You must have missed her."

Fuyumi shrugs, doesn't answer, and that is odd in itself, but then she looks up at him, and says, "Does she seem... happy? Like she's got everything she wants? Can - can you tell me?"

Mogi looks back at her, and hears himself say, "I... think so." No, he can't be halfhearted, he can't give the impression he's got anything to hide. "I think her fiance has brought her a lot of joy. And of course her career has been going from strength to strength, and it's always been her dream to be famous, hasn't it? At least, that's how she talks! I definitely can't think of anything else she wants!"

"Have you met this fiance of hers?"

Mogi says, lightly, "Once or twice. He seemed a perfectly pleasant young man, but I didn't really speak to him much."

"But they've had a fight," Fuyumi says, absently tracing a pattern on the table. "It must have been really bad if it's brought her back here. It's not like this area holds good memories for her. And I'm sure you've noticed the two of us aren't exactly close." Her voice is sharp on the last few words, like she knows she's being too open and trying to act like she doesn't care. Mogi hears his own voice becoming smoother, oilier, as if in response: "I'm afraid I don't know the details, Amane-san... I think Misa values her relationship with him a lot, and perhaps she felt she needed some space."

"Right. A lot of space."

Mogi makes himself laugh. "Well... Misa-Misa is the star. I simply follow and pick up the pieces!"

Silence for a few seconds. Fuyumi takes another sip of tea.

"How much do you know about what happened to Misa before she came to Tokyo?" she says at last. "What's she told you?"

"Well... of course I'm aware of the loss you both suffered. She was nineteen or so, then, I believe?" Fuyumi nods, watching him still, and Mogi carries on, carefully, "But I don't know a great deal apart from that. My role is to manage Misa-Misa's public persona, as I'm sure you can appreciate. Her private life isn't a matter for discussion if it doesn't negatively impact her reputation."

"She was... really upset when our parents were killed," Fuyumi says, more quietly now but her hands tighten on her cup. "Maybe I wasn't as supportive as I could've been. She's told you it led to my divorce, right?" This thrown out without preamble, as if she's trying to take away any impact he'd get from mentioning it. "But she didn't handle things well. At all."

"Right."

"She was staying with me for a time. That... might've been a mistake. We thought... we thought that it wasn't good to be alone, but - having to share the space, perhaps it was too stressful for both of us. She was... very preoccupied with what had happened. With the man that did it." Fuyumi trails off, bites her lip. Her face is blank and cold. She stares down at her tea for a few seconds, then carries on, "But anyway. Kira came along and killed him. Did you know about that, too?"

"I'd... heard things."

She half-smiles. "Yes, of course you had."

"Misa is... I know she's always been very grateful to Kira for that death. Of course, I would imagine anyone would be. You yourself, you must..."

Fuyumi turns her head sharply away, and delivers her next words to the wall as if she can't bear to look at him: "Forget _gratitude._ It didn't make our parents any less dead, did it? Of course I thought the - I thought he deserved to die, of course I would've been sick to see him acquitted, but - I wasn't _happy_ some god decided to come down off his cloud and take an interest in our lives. It terrified me. Things like that aren't supposed to happen in the real world. And if you really want to know, I hate the thought that it was only because Kira _chose_ to help us that the man died. There should be systems, there should - you should _know_ that if someone does something like that then they'll be killed - you shouldn't just be waiting for someone to be _generous_ -"

She sighs, turns back to Mogi. "The point is that Misa was obsessed. She thought that was it, that Kira had given her life meaning. As if it hadn't had any before." She breathes in, slowly, and then says, "And then she left for Tokyo. To find him."

"I... I see."

"Did she?"

"What?"

Fuyumi looks at him impatiently. "Did she find Kira, Moji-san?"

Mogi makes himself laugh, makes himself say, "Not as far as I'm aware!" but the words are sticking to his tongue like a mouthful of flour. Fuyumi looks at him like she can't decide if he's a liar or just an idiot. 

"Look," she says. "Misa turns up here after six years of silence. She ditches this fiance she's apparently so in love with and snuggles up to some other guy at night -" Mogi feels himself turn red, but if Fuyumi notices she doesn't react, just carries on, "She's not got any luggage with her and I know she's incapable of a weekend away without at least six changes of clothes. Look, I don't _care_ if you're her bit on the side. I don't care if she's looking for romantic drama. But all this coincides exactly with those announcements on NHN. That, and the Kira killings stopping."

Mogi makes himself look at her, frown a bit like he doesn't get it but is too polite to say. Fuyumi sighs sharply and then, leaning forward, she says to him, "Did my sister find Kira? Does she know anything about what's going on at the moment? I'm not just thinking about myself here - trust me, if she's got caught up in something big, then you don't want to be anywhere near her."

They're eye to eye. Mogi wonders if he could risk it, could explain to Fuyumi who he is. But - no, she's scared. She doesn't want to be dragged into the chaos. And it isn't like Misa has any loyalty to him, or like Fuyumi has much to Misa. People will do what's easiest. 

He makes himself remember how Matsuda acts when he's bluffing, when he's talking about girls. Let Fuyumi think that he's concerned about nothing more than keeping his love life secret. "I... uh... I'm sorry I can't be of any help, but... all I know is that Misa-Misa had a fight with her boyfriend and wanted to get away from it all! I wasn't surprised when she called me. She needs someone to hold the shopping bags for her." He meets her eyes, forces a nervous grin onto his face, remembers Misa lying so close to him this morning... "I haven't heard anything about her being connected with Kira. Trust me, I think she's got far more important things to think about."

"So it's all a coincidence?" Fuyumi says, almost sneering it.

"It seems to be. I haven't seen Misa-Misa mentioned anywhere on the news, so I don't think she's fleeing from NHN!" Laugh again. His throat is getting dry.

"You should be careful," Fuyumi says.

"Excuse me?"

"You seem to have... got this idea..." Fuyumi glances away again, awkwardly pushes her hair back behind her ears. "You seem to think my sister is all sweetness and innocence, that she's just your typical lovestruck girl who needs looking after. She isn't like that at all, Moji-san. She knows how to pretend, and she knows how to say what people want to hear, and when it's safe then of course she'll chatter on like an idiot, she likes to talk - but when it comes down to it, she'll do whatever needs to be done to get what she wants. I don't know whether you two are... just emotionally connected or whether she has done something really stupid this time, but I don't doubt she knows exactly what she's doing. It's whether _you_ know what she's doing that's the important part."

Mogi feels like suddenly everything is being reflected back at him. He's the one who's lying, who is doing something underhand. Misa... of course she's capable of taking the initiative, of course she's determined, but she doesn't know the true situation right now. She didn't plan this, she didn't anticipate it at all. She had no way even to talk to Raito, they were with the SPK for days -

"She's also entirely capable," Fuyumi carries on, "of fixating on one idea - or person - and crafting an entire scenario out of it. She's done it ever since she was small. When she was seven, she decided she wanted to play the violin. God knows why, I think she'd seen a cartoon character do it. My parents bought into it - of course - and let her take lessons. She hated it. I could see she hated it. She refused to practice, none of us could stand the noise, pressing on the strings hurt her fingers, her teacher was mean... But she wouldn't quit. She couldn't bear to admit that reality wasn't how she'd imagined it to be. She only stopped in the end because the teacher moved away. As I said, I don't care what your connection with her is. Just be aware that she's quite capable of imagining and living in a parallel world. And as for this mysterious fiance of hers -"

There's a clatter from outside the door. They both turn to look and Mogi is already getting to his feet when it slams back against the wall, revealing Misa standing there, lips pressed together, eyes huge and blazing with tears, dropped shopping bag at her feet. 

"Sorry to _interrupt!_ " she screams at them both. "Sorry to stop you having such a good _chat_ about me!"

"You obviously forgot it's rude to eavesdrop," Fuyumi snaps, but she's gone a little red and she is getting up, teacup in hand, obviously not wanting to have the imminent fight. "I just thought Moji-san ought -"

"Because you think I'm lying," Misa says, marching over the scattered groceries and into the flat, "you think I'm some kind of freaky crazy person, so you're telling Mochi a bunch of stuff that's none of your business -"

"He's a big boy. I'm sure he can deal with it." Fuyumi throws this over her shoulder as she reaches the bedroom door. As she opens it, she says, harshly, "Look, Misa, if you didn't want things to be like this you should have - if you'd just _called_ -"

But she bites off the rest of the sentence, steps inside the bedroom and slams the door. Misa stares at it for a moment, trembling, and then she screams, "I hate you! I _hate you_ -" and stamps her foot. Mogi's hurrying over to her to try and calm her down - things already feel like they're back to normal - but then the next second Misa takes a deep, shaky breath and then, instead of carrying on yelling, she puts a hand to her mouth, and he hears her sob.

"Can't," she says at last, very quietly, "can't _do_ this any more..."

Mogi wishes she'd kept the shrieking up instead. He's never heard Misa deal with strong emotion by shrinking back, growing silent. Why did he - if she breaks down completely then he'll have to leave her here and run - it isn't as if Raito will do anything -

He goes to pick up the shopping, telling himself he's giving Misa time to compose herself. Pick up the shopping, close the front door, put on more lights. He knows that it's more to give himself time to get a grip, but when he turns back Misa has gone into the bathroom, and he hears the tap running. When she comes back, damp-faced and red-eyed, she is trying to pull on her usual pout for when things don't go her way. It doesn't quite stay.

"Typical," she says, coming to stand by the kitchen sink. "I'm not out for five minutes and she starts bad-mouthing me." A quick glance at him; a shaky smile. "Don't worry, Mochi, I'm not... I'm not mad with you. I know what she's like. Just... didn't need her talking about Raito. Not now." Her mouth crumples as she says his name, and she turns away again. "Oh... Misa is such a wimp. I just..."

Mogi knows he should say something like _I'm sure he's safe; we'd have heard on the news if anything had happened_ , but he really can't get the words out this time. Seeing this... if he now carries on with the lie, he'll be choosing to do so after being shown exactly how devastated she'll be when she finds out. As if he's enjoying her sadness. He can't think of a situation he'd enjoy _less_ than this. She is sad and it's his fault and he wants to say _the right thing_ and he can't, or he wants to put his arms round her and pretend that that will help and he can't do that either. All he can do is stand and watch and wait for her to speak again.

She says, very quietly, "Misa isn't stupid, you know. Misa... I _know_ it sometimes looks... I know it sometimes seems like Raito doesn't... you know. Doesn't really care about me that much. I _know_ \- that's why I could never have brought him here - she'd say stuff, snarky stuff and he'd hate me for putting him in a situation like that. I _know_ how he's always busy and I know what - what he's been doing with Kiyomi."

Mogi stares at her. Her head is bowed; her hair hides her face. Her arms are wrapped round herself; fingers twitch at her sleeve. Could he - could he possibly say - 

"But he _does_ love me," Misa says, looking up at him now, a bright, glassy smile on her face. "He's told me a bunch of times. He's just not very romantic. And... and even if..." 

Mogi finds himself opening his mouth and he blurts out, gruffly, "People should be with someone who loves them." 

As soon as the words have got out he is hot and cold all over with embarrassment. What is he _thinking,_ talking to her like that - like he's giving her a fortune cookie - or like he actually wants her to pick up on all the turbulence of his own thoughts - 

Misa gazes back at him, and says, absently, "You know, Mochi, you're quite romantic yourself, aren't you. I didn't..." She glances away, blushing slightly. "I guess Misa never thought of you like that. You..."

She shifts from foot to foot, rubs her lips together a little. Mogi finds himself thinking that if he weren't him - if he were, say, some character in a romance drama - this would be the point at which he'd kiss her. If the entire narrative was shaped towards them getting together. And she wasn't engaged to someone else. And being misled about that someone's situation. And potentially guilty of having murdered a large number of people; including Ukita for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He reflects, as he's done many times before, that if he'd decided to go to the TV station himself, she would have killed him too. She would have killed him and not thought twice about it. He needs to remember this.

It's supposed to stop him even thinking about the idea of kissing her but instead he almost does, just because if he did, that would mean his thoughts couldn't possibly be true.

He makes himself turn from her, towards the cupboards where he put the stuff she bought. He makes himself say, "We should make dinner. I think your sister would appreciate it." After a few moments, Misa giggles: "Yeah, I really need to get back in her good books, don't I?" She comes to stand next to him, starts explaining what recipe she was thinking of - "but of course Mochi could probably do something much better - ooh, you should _totally_ do all the cooking, that'll melt Fuyumi's heart for sure -" She keeps a few inches distance between them, though, and she doesn't clutch at his arm. And neither of them quite look each other in the eye.

***

Ide falls asleep without noticing - he's clearly been expending far too much energy on this new development in his personal life - and when he wakes up there's faint light round the edge of the curtain and he can just see Matsuda sitting up in bed. He closes his eyes again because even eye contact would probably make him blush right now, but then the next moment he realises it's _light_ and therefore much later on in the morning than it usually is when they depart. 

"What time is it?" he whispers. "Shouldn't we get going?"

Matsuda turns to look at him, but doesn't quite meet his eyes. "It's okay. Aizawa's gone to talk to Sato-san."

"Right." 

"He seemed... weird."

"Well, he's worried, isn't he?"

"Yeah, I know, but... usually when he's worried he's grumpy. He just seemed zoned out, this time."

That makes Ide more uneasy than he cares to admit, but he makes himself shrug, say, "Probably because he just got up. He - he said he was coming back, right?" 

"Yeah. Don't worry, he didn't... he hasn't taken any of his stuff or anything." Matsuda looks over at him, manages a smile. "He's probably flirting with Sato-san."

"While his wife's in hospital? For god's sake -"

"No, no, I didn't mean the sleazy kind of flirting!" Matsuda rolls onto one elbow, waving his free hand to somehow clarify the point. "I meant the mutual-comfort kind. He's worried about his wife and misses her and stuff, and she said her husband's out a lot, so they're just... enjoying each other's company, to feel better. It's nice."

"Don't you think we've got -" He's about to say _more important things to think about than romance,_ but of course it would be hypocritical as hell to finish the sentence. And then of course he feels like Matsuda's worked out what he was going to say and he's frantically trying to think of a way to change the subject but before he can, Matsuda says, all forced casualness, "So... it's not going to go any further, huh?"

"I just... I just meant it doesn't _mean_ anything, that's all!" He sounds far too defensive, and he's too hot all over now. He turns over so his back is to Matsuda. No need to make himself look even more stupid.

"I didn't say it did mean anything. You said you weren't like that and you're not. Nor am I. It's just... it's just fun, right?"

"If you want to put it that way."

"Well, you certainly seemed to think it was fun. I wasn't going to... you know, do anything. After the first time. You're the one who... who started -"

"Yes, I know."

"So?" Matsuda says, glancing casually over at the far corner. "So, are you going to keep on doing that? Just so I know."

Ide wants nothing more than to walk out of the room, or at least to make Matsuda _stop talking about this_ , but then he'll only draw attention to the whole ridiculous situation. So, still keeping his back turned, fixing his eyes on the grey shadow and the slices of pale light from the window, he says, "Not if you don't want to. I'd hate to make you do anything you didn't _enjoy._ " And he remembers, a painfully physical recollection, of Matsuda kissing him desperately, greedily, hands on his back, pulling him closer, then up under his shirt... and he knows there's no way he's going to put a stop to it, not while it still feels that intense. Now he's definitely too hot.

"Didn't say I didn't want to." Matsuda sounds quieter, almost defensive. "It's better than - it helps, you know? It's - it's good. Right now, that -"

"Yes, I understand." Ide makes himself sit up, look across at Matsuda. He's suddenly aware of his own breathing, and how it's quicker, shallower. 

"Good," he says again, swallowing, and Matsuda smiles, and god knows what would've happened if the door hadn't rattled open and Aizawa had walked back in. Matsuda jumps, and when he says, "Oh. Hi, Aizawa," he sounds so ridiculously guilty it's lucky Aizawa _is_ preoccupied with his own thoughts, just nods at them both and then says, "Sato-san says we're welcome to have the room another night."

Matsuda gives Ide a significant glance; Ide deliberately stares at Aizawa instead as he asks, "We're not moving on today?"

"I don't - I didn't see the point." Aizawa has his hands in his jacket pockets; directs his speech at the blinds. "This place is out-of-the-way and it's quiet - it's out of season for her, she said. If - if something else happens, we can - I can get back without much difficulty. And... and if we keep moving around we're just running into more people who might report us." Aizawa never normally sounds so hesitant, never seems to consider the possibility someone might call him out on his decisions. Still, Ide says anyway, "You don't think she and her husband will, if they make the connection?"

"She hasn't said anything about being a Kira supporter." Aizawa scowls, glances away from them. "I don't think she poses a risk. And besides, if I tell her now that we _don't_ want the room, that'll make us look even more suspicious. It isn't like there are many other places to stay round here."

Ide could argue the point, but it's highly likely that all he'll do is push Aizawa into admitting that he's doing this because he wants to kid himself this is a safe place, because he wants to be able to stay put and plan out how he'll get back to Eriko, because someone is being nice to him and offering him sympathy. And then the atmosphere will be even worse. And Aizawa can't have completely taken leave of his senses - he's got to have thought this through, even if he is worried. Hopefully.

"I like it," Matsuda says. "She's a really good cook, as well."

"Ide? You in?"

He shrugs, and says, "All right. I suppose we can't do anything about it now." After all, he hasn't exactly been talking sense himself in the past twenty-four hours.

***

Two nights of almost-good sleep in the back of the car have made Gevanni not just human again, but almost in a good mood. Hey, a whole twenty-four hours have passed without anyone making an attempt on his life, screaming at him that he deserves to die for his sins, or trying to kill themselves in front of him. And right now the sun is shining and he and his passenger are managing to maintain a more-or-less civil demeanour with each other. He should probably rein in the joy a bit before irony comes back round to kick him in the teeth, but he'll revel it just a little bit longer.

"We need to get some gas. Do you want anything to eat?"

"No, thank you." Mikami's been eating very little, to be honest, but Gevanni supposes it can't be that comfortable swallowing when you've got an only-partially-healed throat wound to deal with. He's been trying to get the guy food that won't hurt to eat, but Mikami's keeping his mouth shut about how unpleasant the wound actually is making things. And besides, it isn't like Gevanni can do much if it _is_ really painful. 

"Okay. I'll grab some more coffee, though. I still can't believe you guys sell that stuff in cans."

Mikami looks back round at him, smiles a bit. "Surely you've had the time to get used to it by now?"

"Huh, I'm still getting used to using chopsticks at every meal." He's been playing up his foreigner status like this when he talks to Mikami. To make himself seem less threatening, or just because it's a good small-talk generator that doesn't involve Kira. Mikami smiles, as if he knows it's a - not a lie exactly, but a conversation they can work with - and says, "But your Japanese is so good, Gevanni-san. Surely you've lived here before?"

"My dad lived here for a while. I used to visit quite a lot, but... you know what it's like when you're a kid, you kick up a fuss whenever everything isn't how you're used to."

"Yes. I know."

"So... well, I didn't like using chopsticks because I wasn't very good. My - my sister -" He swallows, it's like missing a step, but he's back on balance and he continues, "other people were better, and they made fun of me, so I'd insist on a knife and fork."

"And -" Mikami glances out of the window for a second, at the bright winter sunlight, but then carries on, "and that is how you learnt Japanese - visiting your father?"

"I brushed up on it later. Don't worry, I'm no genius." The service station rises up on the left, the light glaring on the bright signs, and then they drive into shadow. Gevanni fills up the car and then goes in search of coffee. The air smells clean, of fresh milk and sweets. In front of him, a woman is trying to corral two small children, both of whom are showing too much interest in the candy shelves. One of them has already started to whine, lip trembling. Gevanni remembers when Louise's girls were still small enough they threatened to do that on a daily basis, and then he sees the woman's cellphone tucked into the outside pocket of the bag slung over her shoulder. At that moment one of the kids manages to send what looks like half the shelf toppling to the floor - the mom is picking the stuff up, telling her kid off, and moving back to let Gevanni take her place in the queue, all at the same time. He doesn't even have to find a reason to bump into her; he squeezes past her in the narrow aisle and by the time he's paying for the petrol, her phone is in his pocket. 

He imagines Louise glaring at him. _She's having a bad enough day already. Why don't you find some fat cat businessman making his way home after cheating on his wife or something?_ Said mainly just to score points, or to rub it in that Gevanni's never had the experience of looking after two tired, cranky kids. 

_Hey,_ he reminds himself, or her, _I need to get in touch with Lidner, I can't keep going like this forever. And when's another opportunity like that going to come along?_

_Playing secret agent instead of keeping an eye on Katy and Anne. Sure, that's totally how I wanted you to sort things after I died -_

The door closes behind him, cutting off the wails of the kids, and he takes a deep breath of cold air.

He's halfway across the forecourt, ice crunching under his feet, when the black car pulls into the service station. Not sure what tips him off, whether he notices how fast it's been going or the men at the wheel in sunglasses and suits, all he knows is he's already running when they skid to a halt, leap out, and they're already drawing guns. Someone screams. He's fumbling for his own gun, his hands too cold and stiff in the January air, and he looses off a shot over their heads and dives for the car. They're yelling for him to stop, they don't want him dead, or maybe that's not right, maybe they just want to be seen to be giving him a chance, and he's throwing himself behind one of the other cars and - Mikami, will he bail, did he, did he somehow manage to - a shot, breaking glass. He dives round, fires again, and then he's running - the car only a few feet away and Mikami's still there, staring numbly at the scene and Gevanni's hand is just closing on the door handle when - 

\- he hears the shot and it feels like that happens several minutes before something slams into the back of his leg and seems to burst into blood and pain and -

his mind is going _hit. hit in the leg_ like being able to identify the problem is going to do anything to solve it and the door's open and he, it's all so _slow,_ he's scrambling in only _fuck,_ he forgot Mikami's there, _he doesn't even need to do anything, just wait_ \- and they stare at each other and Gevanni is trying to say _please don't_ like he's already seeing Mikami leap out of the car or shove him backwards to collapse on the forecourt or even just yell for help -

But none of those things are actually happening. Mikami's grabbing him by the arm and dragging him forward, helping him back into the driver's seat and part of him thinks he's dreaming but fine, he'll go with it, and he's slamming his keys into the ignition and the black-clad figures are running towards him and the engine roars into life and he's driving towards them. Of course they scatter, they run over to their vehicle, and that's good, he can at least try and get out of here. _Okay. Okay_ he's driving automatic so he doesn't actually need to _use_ his damaged leg and so, so that's good and - 

Somehow he's managing to keep the car moving, charging out of the service station and on down the freeway. He glances up and sees the black car in the mirror overhead. His mind catches up with his senses a bit later, _okay, okay, of course they're giving chase, all I need to do is - throw them off - lucky we just filled up, huh?_ And under, around that, _fuck it hurts it **hurts**_ and if he even notices those thoughts he feels like he'll black out so he tries to ignore them. 

At some point he realises he's cursing under his breath - in English - and he can feel his sock sticking to the sole of his foot, crusty and heavy with blood. They're speeding, dodging round the little traffic about at this point. It's not a dream, it's not, his head's aching from the effort of remembering this - he can't give up or walk away and if he crashes the car that'll be it, he's not going to get far running from a wreck. They still follow. They follow, but they're not as desperate as him, and they don't have any siren or way of making people move because Kira's not _that_ fucking accepted yet and so the distance between them grows, and eventually the black car has vanished into the distance, into the sunlight glinting off windshields. Gevanni doesn't slow down, though. If he tells himself they're okay that'll be the perfect time for their pursuers to loom over the horizon.

"Are you hurt?" Mikami says abruptly.

"Yeah. Shot in the leg." The Japanese slides around in his mouth, the words aren't there properly. _Focus!_ "I'm keeping going. Don't want to... to be obvious." Focus on the driving. He's gripping the wheel so hard his arms ache. "You - you gave me a hand back there." He almost doesn't want to mention it in case it was a dream and this wakes him up, but at the same time if he talks about it and the world stays upright then that means it did happen and _that_ means he's got away, for now at least.

"I..." Mikami is silent for a few seconds, but that's okay, he doesn't say _what are you talking about_ so that seals it in Gevanni's mind. 

When Mikami does speak again, it's to say, "You must stop when you think it's safe. You -"

"Aren't safe to drive? Again?" 

"Well. Yes. Obviously." 

Gevanni laughs at that - the laughter slides around too - and Mikami smiles, confused, probably wondering if his driver's going light-headed from blood loss. Perhaps that's the case. Well, that's good, right, that means the route he's choosing to take will be a route that no sane man could predict? _Since when were Kira supporters sane?_ Since they got the backing of the United States and large sections of the Japanese media, that'd make anyone sane. And speaking of the media... "Turn on the radio," he says, and Mikami does so, frowning. The announcement comes about ten minutes later. Of course. One of the Americans has been spotted _here_ and their car is _this_ with _this_ registration and can everyone please keep their eyes open, they're not going to get far now...

At last he pulls off the road - it's a side road, and luckily there's little traffic - and halts. The world seems to tilt as he does so, as if his brain is saying hopefully _so that's it now, we can give up?_ He grits his teeth, leans over to look at the wound - his suit leg is dark and sticky with blood. But he hasn't passed out yet, so it's probably just a graze, right? Hurts like hell but still probably just a graze. No point in wasting time staring at it. He fumbles with his tie, starts yanking it off, then his jacket. A voice in the back of his mind is calmly declaiming first aid procedures. Mikami watches him, pale and still, as he improvises a bandage. Not bleeding to death but it still fucking hurts, which means that running for it - _walking_ for it - is going to be out of the question. And they know where he is now, what car he's driving, that he's been wounded...

"What are we going to do now?" Mikami says quietly.

"Don't... I don't know. Keep going, I guess... get out of the area." He swallows. "Keep going somewhere quiet..." He wants Mikami to suggest something, some obvious idea he himself has neglected, but Mikami doesn't speak. Probably wondering what the hell he was thinking back there. _Kira won't like that if he finds out._ Still, right now it's good, Gevanni needs all the allies he can get, with the entire country looking for him and Rester and Lidner - 

He was going to _call Lidner._ Who was going to pin her hopes on Mello. And who has certainly managed to keep her head down well considering how familiar her face will be to everyone. If they'd got her, they'd be triumphing it, right? And Mello knows enough about hiding from the law, keeping a step ahead of Kira - He's fumbling with the stolen phone now, leaving sticky bloodstained fingerprints all over it, dialling the number he took care to memorise ages ago, when they first entered Japan. If they've got her and this blows up in his face then they know where he is _anyway_ \- and it's ringing, that's a start, she's somewhere where she feels safe enough to leave it on, she has to be, she has to be... It goes to voicemail, and for a moment he's this close to cursing and smashing the phone against the dashboard before he figures she'd be stupid to answer every unfamiliar caller that comes her way. When it tells him to leave a message, he stammers, "It's... it's me. You'll probably have heard why I'm calling."

She calls him back about ten minutes later.

"We just caught the news. Are you all right?"

"Been... been better." He can hear the smile in his voice, but it trembles a bit.

"You're hurt?"

"I can still drive."

"We can come and find you," she says, sounding as calm and on top of things as she always does. "Are you still where the announcement said?"

"More or less, but I'm going to keep moving. Go north... go rural."

"We'll try and catch up with you, then." 

"I can call back?"

"Yeah," she says. "If you have to. Hopefully I'll be able to speak to you face-to-face soon, though."

"Right. See you later."

He hangs up. 

"What - what's going to happen?" Mikami says.

"Should... should be able to meet up with someone else. Get some help. For now, we just keep driving."

Mikami nods.

"That phone..." he says, "it isn't yours, is it."

There's no condemnation in his tone, but Gevanni adds it in, and yes, he _knows_ he's screwing up in a bunch of different ways now, but - _cut me some slack_ \- "Yes," he says. "Yes, I did, and I'm glad I did because if not I'd be dead. This way, I've got a hope. Okay?"

Mikami nods. Then, after a few seconds, he starts fumbling out of his jacket, and, tentatively, places it round Gevanni's shoulders. They start to drive again.

***

Takada can feel the stress building up behind her eyes. She's normally exceedingly good at managing high-pressure situations, she knows this, but the frustration of being unable to affect the situation other than spend twenty hours a day at the studio trying to be pleasant to the idiots on the other side of the camera is beginning to affect her. For goodness sake, they are only looking for six people, two of whom are foreigners, one of whom has had her face splashed all over the gossip magazines in the last month or so, and four who are so stupid they hadn't noticed the man they're searching for has been under their noses the entire time. 

It's a relief to be out of NHN and in the car; at least it's quiet in here, and the windows are tinted, and she doesn't have to worry about snapping at anyone because they're being brainless. She wants to close her eyes, sleep, but she can see the driver's eyes in the mirror. She can sleep later. Raito's awake at last, and getting him up to speed so they can work together is the most important thing.

At the bottom of her stomach she has a sick crawling sensation that the situation is her fault somehow. It's not true, and not something she should be thinking, but it's understandable, isn't it? This is almost like a job interview, a test - to show that she's worthy of the high status she's already attained - and besides, she is fond of Raito. She admires him and she wants him to admire her. To realise she isn't like other girls; that making commitments to her will be worth it. 

If he _doesn't_ realise that -

If she starts thinking about this too much her head aches even more, so she makes herself stop. The sky is mockingly bright. It still feels like a novelty being out of the studio during the day; like she's on holiday, or playing truant. But the hospital isn't far, and when they pull up outside - she knows she should be feeling happy, keen to see Raito, glad that he's conscious, but there's just the nervousness. _Idiot,_ she tells herself. It shouldn't be about Raito anyway. It should be about getting the notebooks back, about saving the world and helping Kira. At least Eriko's been moved back to the hotel, that's one irritation removed.

The bodyguards sweep in with her, of course, surrounding her; Takada's glad of that, she doesn't even like to touch the air in hospitals too much. The entire building is painted in shades of beige, cream, peach. Dirty colours. Raito must hate it in here as well.

She instructs her retinue to wait outside his room, prevent anyone entering, and then she opens the door quickly, before she can think about being scared.

Raito is lying still, his hair tangled, his eyes sunken. His skin is the same washed-out colour as the walls, and he's wearing pyjamas with the hospital's name on them. Takada's stomach twists a little - part revulsion, he smells of old sweat and even though she tries not to look she can see the stump and the space where his hand was - part tenderness that he's still human. He looks younger. She wants to stroke his hair.

But the shinigami looms over him, twisted and jagged like an old tree, and as she walks in Raito's eyes flick over to her and she sees the fury in them, and she remembers of course he would never want to be pitied, just like she never would.

"What's going on?" His voice is dry, but angry despite that. 

"With what exactly? Your health? Or the fugitives?" She's stalling for time, taking a moment to collect her thoughts; she knows she is. He looks for a moment as if he's going to defy exhaustion and leap up, shake the answer out of her, but in the end he only snarls, " _Everything!_ Are you so stupid you can't work that out?"

If she had good news to report she'd wait, make him realise just how not-stupid she is, but once she explains the situation that's not going to help. She swallows, hoping he doesn't pick up on her nervousness, and begins (calm, competent, making a report): "We've taken one of the SPK into custody. The older of the two men. We've pinpointed the location of the younger one, and are broadcasting every half-hour reminding people to be vigilant. I've dispatched people to the ports and airports to prevent escape that way. We... we also have custody of the wife and children of Shuichi Aizawa; the wife has been making televised appeals to him, although so far this hasn't yielded a result."

Raito stares at her, narrow-eyed. At last, he says, "And?"

Takada reaches over to the water jug on the table, delays her answer by pouring him a drink, but in the end she has to say, "That's all the developments I have to report so far." She keeps her eyes on his face. Her eyes still want to flick to his wrist.

"What the hell is _wrong_ with you?" Raito snarls, and as she holds the glass out to him he smacks it out of her hand, so hard that it sends her stumbling back a bit. The shinigami starts to laugh. She stares at them, gritting her teeth, _she_ won't be the one to throw a tantrum, she'll make Raito see how childish he's being, and he carries on, "I - it's - they told me it's the 31st today, you've had _over three days_ and six of them are still out there? What the hell have you been _doing_?"

"Everything I can!" she says. "They're not exactly clueless amateurs, and lack of visual identification doesn't help either!"

"You - why didn't you _get_ visual identification? The task force are - you should have gone to the NPA and -"

"The NPA are quite well aware of what we want from them. They're just being reluctant to give it to us - they're claiming they don't keep photographic records of their employees any more -"

"So why didn't you _make_ them?"

"I would have liked to!" The crawling feeling is back. She squashes it down, grits her teeth. She _won't_ let him see - "Unfortunately, that's more your area of expertise than mine, and you've been... indisposed, haven't you?" 

She lets her eyes flick to his missing hand. He looks up at her and for a moment she is actually scared of him, but then his anger dies down. Well - becomes colder, at any rate, more practical.

"Tell me what to do," she says, more gently. "I can get in touch with the NPA on Kira's behalf. You can tell me who I need to talk to - if necessary, we can use that small piece of the Note..."

Raito stares numbly ahead for a few seconds before saying, "Yes. I'll tell you what to do. It's important that they - that they help Kira. I've got... on my computer, I had photos of them - the task force - but they probably deleted the data before they left. It'll take time to get it back and besides, the NPA need to know that if they don't assist, they're harbouring fugitives. Did the one you've caught say anything?"

"Nothing useful. People have been questioning him, but it's beginning to look like he genuinely doesn't know where the notebook is. He says they gave it to the task force." She wants to carry on. Say _I've spoken to him myself,_ make it clear that she has looked into the man's bloodstained face, listened to his denials and assessed them for truth, brought her intellect to bear on the problem; she has looked at what her bodyguards have done to him, and apart from a faint ringing in her ears it didn't affect her at all. She wants to prove that she will do _anything_ for their new world. Certainly, she will do as much as Raito.

But that would be boastful. And besides, Raito shouldn't need to be told it.

At last, Raito says, turning his face away as he does so, as if he's ashamed even to acknowledge it, "Why did they cut off my hand? Why didn't you stop them?"

She almost snaps back at him not to start blaming her for this as well, but there's a note of desperation in his voice, and all at once her tenderness towards him is back.

"The infection got into the bone," she says, taking a few steps closer, wondering if she should sit down. "They had to do it. You were very sick." And then, hastily, before he can carry on arguing, "Tell me what to say to the NPA. Or where to look. The faster I get photographs, the faster we can catch the people who did that to you." After all, they have to work together. He always understood that before. He needs her as much as she needs him, doesn't she?

He nods, and he actually smiles - a tired, thin smile, but a smile nevertheless. "Yes. That's true. All right, listen carefully."


	7. Splintering

The sun has set. Fuyumi came home earlier, changed out of her work clothes into some slightly less severe, and announced she was visiting a friend and could Misa please not mess up the flat while she was gone. Misa rolled her eyes and nodded and now she's hunting through Fuyumi's kitchen, searching for wine. "We should celebrate, Mochi. We've made it like three days! Raito will be so pleased with me..." Mogi feels like he should stop her - just because Fuyumi didn't say _don't search the place for alcohol_ doesn't mean she wants Misa to consume an entire bottle on her own - but he doesn't know how to start. Misa is too bright tonight, too chatty - or is he just thinking that because of how drained she seemed earlier? Well, she _is_ under stress, she _does_ often deal with it by getting louder and having a drink. Besides, he's caught up on the news again and he had to tell her about Eriko Aizawa's suicide attempt. In Misa's eyes, that's a depiction of true love, of course it will make her thoughtful. It's unsettled Mogi too, but for different reasons. He tells himself that if Aizawa had been found - either alive or dead - Takada would've made sure to mention it. Ide and Matsuda must surely have talked sense into him if he _did_ start wanting to do something hasty. 

They _have_ made it three days - he and Misa, at least, and the others presumably - and that's the problem. He really, really wants to believe that it means something, that it's a sign of things to come, that they'll be _all right._ The lack of difficulty they've had so far, the normality of it - trains and hotels and staying with relatives - means that sometimes he doesn't feel scared any more, because nothing really bad's happened, and sometimes he feels even more scared because it proves normality doesn't mean safety. Which is something he should already know. Look at what's happening to Aizawa's family, after all. 

Misa has found the wine; she's searching for a corkscrew now. Her hands shake as she wrenches open the kitchen drawer, and she almost drops the corkscrew when she finds it. "Oops!" A giggle, a nervous grin. "And Misa hasn't even had any yet!" She's scared too. If the situation were different, he could make himself feel less uneasy by reassuring her that things would be all right. But it's entirely his fault that she _is_ scared, so what is he meant to say to her, really? Apart from _I'm sorry_? Misa pours them each a generous glass of wine; it's dark and red and she pulls a face as she sips it, then takes a large gulp and comes to sit cross-legged on the floor next to him, slamming the bottle down between them. When she turns away to take another drink, he gently slides it towards him instead.

"Would you like to play cards again?" he says. Fuyumi brought the pack back with her yesterday, handing it over with a comment about how she wasn't sure Moji and Misa were finding enough to do together. Mogi can't decide whether she thinks they can't keep their hands off each other or whether she's figured out what they're running from. Still, the cards have been helping, in the same way that the board games did when the two of them were with the SPK; focusing on winning a game, or teaching Misa how to play a new one. Little distractions.

But now Misa shakes her head fiercely. "No way! Night's the time to have _fun._ Hey..." A wicked grin; she points at him, and says, "We should play strip poker." 

He wouldn't ever say yes, of course, but he's turning red anyway, and Misa shrieks with laughter. "Kidding! I was kidding, it's okay, you know I would never do something like that - oh, Mochi, you looked so scared!"

"It's not... it's not that," he manages to say. "I just don't think your sister would approve."

Misa shrugs. "Anyway... Mochi's probably got a great poker face. Misa would end up in her underwear and Mochi wouldn't have changed at all, and that's not fair."

"It... it would be taking our cover story a bit too far, certainly."

"Totally! And Raito wouldn't be very impressed. I've never played strip poker with _him._ Actually, Mochi spends way more time with him than Misa does!" Another gulp of wine; she drains half the glass this time. Mogi's not sure what to say to this. They both know that what little time Raito got away from the task force has been spent with Kiyomi Takada. But Misa's already carrying on, "Still, when this is all over, you guys won't be spending _so_ much time at work, right? That'll be nice." He _really_ doesn't know what to say to that, but this time, Misa isn't filling the silence - she's staring at him. Waiting for him to reassure her, and he knows he should be saying _yes, of course_ , letting her think that she and Raito will have their happy ending like he always has before, but the wine's slowing the lies down -

"Mochi?" Misa says, in a small voice.

"Yes..." he begins, and he's about to say _yes, I'm sure you will,_ and he thinks in his head that that will be if he and the rest of the task force are dead but surely that won't bother Misa too much. After all, if she was the second Kira once then how many people has she killed?

No. She doesn't _know_ that any more, she's been wiped clean of whatever desperate impulse made her do it, surely? All she wants now is to be happy, safe with someone who loves her. Someone who she _knows_ loves her. What she said earlier - she's sensed how indifferent Raito is to anyone who isn't him - 

If she goes back to Raito - to Kira - the last thing she'll be is safe. Especially not now, when he'll be irrational and out of control, when he has admitted he would have been quite happy to have Kiyomi Takada murdered just to tie up a loose end, when Misa has been spending time with one of the task force and could have found out any number of things Raito didn't want her to. And - and if she does insist on returning, even knowing what he is, what he's done, then surely that's better than walking into it blindly? If Kira wins and Mogi and the others are killed, Misa will at least know the truth.

And he owes her that by now. He's hurt her enough by lying.

"Misa," he says, slowly, carefully, and just saying the word doesn't do anything. "I think that there's something you need to know." Oh, god, what the hell is he thinking? This could get him killed - this could get them all killed -

"Oh, something scandalous?" Misa giggles, half-heartedly, but then puts down her wine glass, focuses on him. "Or is it... something about..."

But he'll be careful, he's not going in blindly either - he just owes her this - if necessary he can run and at least she'll have the truth -

He swallows. "Look... you should know that I... well, I've only acted as your manager, of course, but I... I've always wanted to make sure that you're not going to get hurt, or... or be put in danger." He's already started with another lie, but he can hardly think of what he's saying - the wine is slowing down all the words, too. He _has_ to do this. If he uses her to save his own skin, that really does make him no better than Raito, and then he has no right to get her to stay with him. 

"Well, sure," Misa says. "I mean, you've always been really concerned about me. It's sweet." She giggles, smiles shyly at him.

"It isn't just that - that... The thing is that -" 

The phone rings. 

Misa jumps, almost knocking over her glass. Giggling again - "I'd better get that, okay? It's probably Fuyumi, she's probably... and you know, I don't want to... back in a moment!" Chattering as she gets up, reaches for the receiver, and then: "Hello, Amane residence!" Mogi breathes out, cursing the timing. This is not going to get him off the hook. As soon as she gets off the phone he'll just say it, that things are different from how he explained, that - that Raito is - that Raito has - 

And if she turns him in? Which she very well might do, even if just out of fury at how he's made her worry for nothing? Then what? Who is he trying to fool, thinking he can convince her that Raito isn't the best thing for her? 

"Fuyumi, what's going on?" Misa laughs, awkwardly, and then: "Okay, okay. Seriously, though, I think you're a little confused -" She lays the receiver down by the phone and then scurries across to the TV, picks up the remote - switches to NHN - 

Kiyomi Takada is there, smiling out at them as if everything is normal, and behind her - there are the photographs, his and Aizawa's and Ide's and Matsuda's, each with the name alongside, and it hits him, _oh, god, that's it now,_ and then Misa starts to speak: "Where's... I don't understand, why isn't..."

"Misa..."

"Where's Raito?" she says. "You said Takada was..." She trails off, listening. Takada is more animated this time - urging the audience to be vigilant, to keep their eyes open, to call this number if they see any of the four fugitives, and then, just to underline how much of a liar one of her targets really is, she reads out the names again.

"Misa," he says, "Listen -" but she's trembling, she looks round at him and as she stares at him he stops talking, she's already figured it out.

"They weren't... they were never looking for him," she says. "Of course they weren't, Kiyomi would never do that, why was Misa so _stupid_?"

"I -"

"You _lied to me_!" she screams, and suddenly she's sobbing, and she drops both the remote and the glass of wine as she dives at him. He grabs her arms as she lashes out and for once he's talking, _Misa, Misa please, please calm down, let me explain_ and she's yelling at him and she's starting to cry, kicking out and, "I had to -" he hears himself say - 

" _No!_ " She wrenches herself free of him, stands glaring up at him, face red and shiny with tears. "No, no, you didn't _have to_! They were never looking for him! He and Misa were never in any danger at all, it was just _you,_ you wanted to - to get Misa to run away with you and - trick me into - into thinking -"

"I didn't, not - not like -"

"You made me come back _here!_ " she screams and she kicks out again, not at him this time but at the little table, sends it flying - "I only came back to protect Raito and _you made me_!"

"I'm sorry!" and he thinks he sounds like he means it, he _does_ mean it, he didn't want this, but Misa simply snaps back at him: " _Where's Raito?_ "

"The last I knew, he was with Kiyomi Takada."

Misa glances wildly from the TV back to Mogi. "Why? Why would he go there? I don't -" She shakes her head suddenly, rubs a hand across her eyes. "You're lying. You're lying, to make me mad with Raito. That's it, isn't it?" She glares up at him, still shaking. "You wanted - you were going to tell me how much you _cared_ or something and then you were going to pretend - I don't know, pretend Raito was dead or in jail or that he'd run off with Takada so I would -"

"No! Damn it, Misa, I wouldn't do that!"

"Really? Well, how come you're here with me? Where are the others, where's Monchichi, why aren't you with them?"

"Because... because I was concerned about you."

She snorts. "Uh-huh. That's why you lied, right? That's why you're getting me to help hide you? Kiyomi isn't looking for _me_." He wants to deny it, explain that it isn't what it looks like, but it _is_ , in one way it really is, and suddenly she's screaming at him, " _Don't just go quiet again_!" It's like a slap. And it shakes words out of him: 

"He doesn't love you. You were right all along."

Misa goes very still and Mogi wants to take it back but he carries on, "He's only out for himself. He certainly doesn't care about anyone else's welfare, least of all yours. If we hadn't left the hotel, he would have come back to you. He would have lied to you just as much as I have and he would have told you he loved you whenever you needed convincing to do what he wanted and then he probably would have killed you to stop you giving anything away. As it is, he's chosen to stick with Takada and carry out the same thing with her. Tell her how much he loves her and how stupid he thinks you are. I wanted you out of his way. Does that help?"

He expects Misa to scream at him, but she is just staring, her face like marble, her lips white because they're pressed together so hard. At last, she swallows, and after a few moments, she manages to say, "You're lying." 

"You know I'm not. You know how he treats you, you know that he's been seeing Takada -"

"None of it makes sense!" She actually stamps her foot. "Why are you talking like he's in any danger? I know it's not true! And he wouldn't _kill_ me, he loves me. He's told me and he knows I'd always be on his side anyway - and if we're talking about _sides,_ why are _you_ suddenly changing sides?"

"I haven't changed sides." He sounds dull and quiet now. Feels it. Arguments always tire him out. Especially when, like now, he can't just walk away, has to keep trying to defend himself. If it all goes to hell at least he genuinely has no idea where Aizawa and Ide and Matsuda are, he won't drag them down with him. Although once Raito has the notebook, location won't matter any more - 

"Sure sounds like it," she spits back at him. "No, Mochi, you're going to have to do better than that."

He stares at her, swallows, trying to see through all the shouting and the pounding of his heart to work out what he could say. Raito, he suspects, would know exactly what to say in order to produce the effect he wanted. Or is it just that Raito would have the advantage that Misa's infatuated with him?

Whatever he says, it has to sound convincing; she'll be on the lookout for lies now - 

Or...

Or he could just tell her the truth. Tell her everything, leave her with her sister, walk away. Give her back the choice to return, like he was going to. It isn't like he has much time left before someone sets NHN on him. It isn't like she's much safer with him than with Raito, or that she won't end up with Raito again soon enough anyway.

He can feel that everything is over but he doesn't feel scared so much as tired. 

"All right," he says, and he sounds tired, too, or at any rate like he's only giving Misa the information to get her to stop complaining. "Raito is Kira." Misa's mouth falls open, but he quickly carries on, "When he told you to stay at the hotel - he and all of us and the SPK, we were all going to meet, to... to put an end to the case. He was going to have us killed, but it didn't work as he'd intended. He got shot in the hand but Takada's bodyguards showed up and helped him get away. Now he's using NHN to hunt us down."

Misa is still staring at him, frowning now, and he takes the opportunity to say, "The reason his plan didn't work out was that - he intended to kill Takada when she was kidnapped, but in deciding that, it let us see what he was doing." And, even though he feels cruel saying it: "He told Takada that he loved her, as well."

"If - _if_ he's Kira -" Misa's voice shakes a little, but it sounds like she's angry, not crying - "then why hasn't he killed you now? If he's _so mad_ with you he can get NHN doing all those broadcasts, then why is he letting you stay alive to run away?" Mogi stares at her, not wanting to mention the notebook, but already her eyes are widening: "Stole - you said - you've got it, haven't you? You've got whatever Kira needs to kill people. That's why all the criminals have stopped dying. He can't kill you, not right now."

Mogi forces his face to remain blank, and shrugs and turns away as if he hasn't got time to answer the question. He needs to get out of here. Even if Fuyumi hasn't already reported him, Misa is probably going to pick up the phone as soon as he's gone, and he needs a head start.

"Hey," Misa snaps at him as he takes a step towards the door. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I've told you the truth now."

"Yes, but -" She's trembling. "You can't just - you can't just leave me here. I don't - I mean, if what you say is true, Kiyomi won't let me get near Raito - I need a place to go to think and stuff -" Her words are slipping and stumbling over each other - she tugs at a lock of her hair. "Don't you _dare_ \- I need to _think_ \- he'll want me back -"

"Will he?" Mogi has said before he can think.

Misa's shoulders hunch over as if he's struck her in the chest. "Shut up."

"You said yourself you know how he treats you."

"If he's _Kira_ , then he's got more important things to think about! And besides he _said_ \- we've been living together - he asked me to marry him -" She lists the facts frantically, gabbling like a child. "If he's Kira then - then he wants to help, he wants a perfect world - he said he loves me -"

"When you've helped him somehow?" He wants to stop, wants to go back to being quiet and listening to her talk about how wonderful her boyfriend is but he can't, not any more, no matter how horrible it is -

"It isn't like that!"

"He doesn't care about anyone but himself. You know that, Misa! If you want a life with someone who loves you, why the hell are you going to him?"

Misa turns her back now; at last, through gritted teeth, she says, "You know I could call NHN right now and tell them where you are."

"I know." He'd probably try and stop her. He's caught hold of Misa before to stop her getting herself tangled up in things. But this time she'd fight him, and he doesn't - he doesn't want it to end up like that. 

Perhaps she doesn't, either, or perhaps she's just waiting for the right opportunity. At any rate, she just looks round at him and says, "So, why are you trying to make me angry?"

"That's not what I'm trying to do."

"It sounds like it is! I could just go over to the phone..."

Her voice trails off. He follows her gaze, and he sees - they both see - that the phone's still off the hook, that she never ended the call with her sister. She dashes over to it, snatches it up. "Fuyumi? _Fuyumi!_ " A voice on the other line, and she yells "Where is she?" The next second she's hung up, whirls round to look at him. "She left - she'll be coming back here -"

"Rather than just - just call NHN?"

"She won't do that. She thinks she's too good for that, it'd be being a _sheep,_ going along with what everyone wants. She wants to come back here and see exactly how right she was, how stupid Misa messed it all up again and was too dumb even to _notice_ how much you were lying to me -" She gasps for breath. "We have to go." Before he can answer she yells at him, "Don't you _dare_ run off now! We're going to hide somewhere and then you're going to tell me everything that happened! Everything, okay? I have to _find him_!"

Anything is better than her turning him in, even if her eyes are wide and white and her voice keeps shaking. He nods, and says, "Where?"

"Somewhere not near here. She'll tell on them, she'll hurt Raito, she - we should get away. You said you want to _look after me,_ well, fine -" She scowls up at him, chin sticking out defiantly. "You help me find Raito, you help me keep him safe and don't you _dare_ say anything like that about him again or I'll call NHN, I _mean_ it, Mochi!" 

"All right," he says - not like there's any time to debate the issue. "But we'll need to find somewhere to stay tonight. People are going to recognise me -"

Misa's already hurrying around, packing clothes into the carrier bag she brought, dodging the patch of spilt wine. "There's a hotel off the motorway. Another one where they don't see your face. We always used to joke about going there, when we were at school, we knew they didn't ask questions. We'll have to walk, I guess, but we can do that."

"That sounds like a good plan." He starts collecting together his own few possessions. Misa's packed already, is hopping up and down on her heels. "She'll come back, she's probably on her way now, hurry _up_ -" When he's ready she grabs his arm, scurries towards the door, down the steps. Outside it's cold and dark and the lit-up flat with the warmth and the taste of wine seems years away.

***

Ide is starting to wonder whether Matsuda's actually right and Aizawa really is flirting with their hostess. She just brought them in more food - say what you like, the woman can cook - and now she's standing by the table, obviously _just about_ to leave but instead pushing back a strand of hair and asking shyly "So... Aihara-san is married?" Aizawa glances away, says that he is but work keeps him so busy, busier than he'd like, and she smiles like she understands and talks about how her husband is exactly the same, and Matsuda gives Ide a significant look and kicks him under the table. Outside it's dark already, and shadows creep along the walls. Ide doesn't like it. He wishes he'd got them to move on after all; sticking around here only means that someone is going to be more likely to recognise you. 

_Sato_ may well not be her real name, of course. Quite a lot of people in the service industry quietly put forward an innocuous alias these days. Just in case. There have been cases of people losing their tempers, customers feeling aggrieved, names being put up on the Internet. Even if Kira doesn't act - and sometimes he doesn't - rumours get around. _No smoke without fire_ and that sort of thing.

Of course, that's small fry compared to the amount of notoriety Ide's name's been receiving this week.

The front door rattles; a man walks in, greets Sato, warily acknowledges the three guests. She steps away from Aizawa, starting to gather up empty plates. Matsuda's grinning. In addition to that, his feet are stretched out so that they're resting against Ide's. Ide isn't sure whether he should be annoyed at that or not. Maybe it's something that you do when you're... involved in _that_ kind of activity with another person, he doesn't know. It isn't as if it's particularly annoying in itself, it's just that it's making him keep thinking about said activities and he still isn't comfortable doing even that in public, or at least not in front of Aizawa, who knows him far too well. 

And really, physical acts and the etiquette surrounding them really shouldn't be his main concern right now. They're in serious danger. He should stop encouraging Matsuda and focus on how the hell they're going to manage to survive. Except that he can't because he doesn't _know,_ and when he tries to think about it all he can picture is the fold of notepaper hidden in his jacket.

He swallows, forces the thoughts out of his mind, carries on eating. Sato's husband has walked over to the kitchen, is talking quietly to his wife. No other guests, again. A clock's ticking, but it's in shadow, too dim to see the hands. No one's got anything to say to each other that can be said when they're not on their own. Still, the house has got its own sounds; the hum of the heating, the low voices of their hosts, the faint mumble of the TV in the kitchen like you hear sometimes when you're walking along a street. 

The signature tune of News 7 echoes softly from the kitchen. It's Matsuda who notices it - sits up a little, unease crossing his features. Aizawa seems lost in his own thoughts. Ide catches Matsuda's eye and Matsuda grins at him again as if he's trying to make out that he's not _really_ worried. It's not like there is any reason to be worried. " _Good evening. This is News 7, and I'm Kiyomi Takada._ " They've survived three days, and if they look wary every time the news plays they're only going to get themselves caught.

From the kitchen, there's a clatter. Matsuda jumps, making the table shudder, and Aizawa glares at him. The Sato husband pulls the kitchen door to, walks purposefully past them. They can't hear the news now. Matsuda glances nervously from the closed door to Ide to Sato, who's picked up his coat, is searching through the pockets for something. Ide wants to shake Matsuda; how can he not see he's making them look twice as guilty by seeming so scared? But it isn't like he can say anything and the next second Matsuda's blurted out to the man, "I... I didn't hear... Sato-san said you're very busy, where is it you work again?"

The man looks at them; his face is closed, wary, as he answers. Ide stares down at his plate, at his coffee cup; his heart's juddering against his ribs like a stalling car. _Stop it. Calm down, nothing's **happened** -_ But Aizawa is looking wary now, too, and all at once he gets to his feet, walking across to the kitchen (hands in pockets, fake-casual, but Ide saw how his hands were trying to curl into fists) and calls to their hostess, "Sato-san... any chance of some more of that coffee?"

From his seat Ide can just see the edge of the woman's face. She's standing in the kitchen, arms wrapped round herself, staring straight ahead, and her face is dead white. 

Just as he realises how much trouble they're in, the husband shoves past Aizawa to stand between him and the kitchen door, and says, coldly, "I don't think you should be going near my wife. I think you should stay where you are." 

Matsuda goes very still; Aizawa sighs, almost as if in resignation, but then looks back at the guy and says, "I've offended you in some way, Sato-san?"

"You know what you've done." The man is tensed, eyes darting between the three of them. He's clutching his mobile phone, has it open. "I suppose I was thrown off because there weren't four of you, but I guess you split up or something? And... this is hardly the kind of place condemned criminals would choose to hide out anyway. I always thought it was perfectly safe for Mariko to take care of things on her own, but -"

"It's not like you think." Matsuda's voice is shaky and loud; he scrambles to his feet. "It's not, we didn't do anything, we're not -"

"Shut up," Ide hisses at him, and Matsuda actually does, but he's still shaking. 

"We're not going to hurt anyone," Aizawa says, and Ide's impressed, even through his terror, at how calm he is. "You learnt who we are and you don't want the danger of having us under your roof - okay, fine. We can just head out right now and you'll never have to see us again -"

"Are you crazy?" the man snaps. "You - you think I'm going to give you a free pass or whatever? Kira finds out my wife and I have been giving you food and shelter, we'll be dead by the end of the week!" 

"He won't find out," Aizawa says, "if you _don't tell him._ "

"No disrespect, but I'm sure he'll work it out sooner or later." The man looks pale and sick now. "Just - just stay where you are!" as Aizawa takes a step towards him. His fingers move on the phone keypad - he's calling NHN, Ide realises, must be. "You can't escape Kira anyway, you may as well give yourselves up - I can't just let you walk out, I _can't_ -"

" _Listen_ to me -" Aizawa is beginning but then his voice is drowned out by the clatter as Matsuda scrambles to his feet properly and then he's standing there levelling his gun at the man and he's stammering out "Don't. Drop the phone."

They all stare - even Mariko Sato is crouched, peering round the kitchen door. Matsuda's horribly pale and his breath is coming in short, shaky gasps as he carries on, "I mean it. Put it down. I'll kill you, I can do it, I know I can, just. Just _stop!_ "

"Matsuda..." Ide is beginning, although at the same time he's thinking _well, why not, at least it gets us out of the building, gets us a head start,_ and Aizawa is snapping "What the hell do you think you're playing at?" and then, in that split-second Sato is diving for the front door, frantically stabbing at the keys on his phone, clutching it to his body - and then there's the shot and he stumbles, a puff of blood bursting out of his shoulder. His wife screams, and Matsuda is staring straight ahead, horrified, still clutching the gun, and _you idiot_ Ide is thinking, sharp painful thoughts as he tries to work out what the hell to do, whether Matsuda will follow if they run, _you goddamn idiot, why the hell do you have to play the hero?_

Already, it seems, there's a lot of blood, soaking the man's sleeve, pooling on the floor, and he's yelling into the phone, "Help me! Help me, they're here -"

And Matsuda, tears running down his face, has fired again, and shot the phone out of the guy's hand. 

"Go!" Aizawa is yelling, and Ide grabs Matsuda by the arm - Matsuda is standing, staring, as if he were just going to watch his victim bleed to death in the entryway - and runs for the door. Aizawa's already there, wrenching it open. Ide hurries out into the cold air, but he looks back as he does so. The amount of blood seems to have tripled already. Mariko Sato is kneeling in the kitchen doorway, sobbing, and he yells at her, "Call an ambulance, _they_ won't!" And then he's turned away and he's running through the darkness, Matsuda stumbling behind him.

They reach the car - Aizawa's already leaping into the driver's seat. Ide wrenches open the passenger door, shoves Matsuda through it and then clambers in himself. They tear through the silent streets, back onto the main road, then the motorway. In the light from other headlamps, Matsuda looks even more sickly pale. For a moment he just stares at Ide blankly as if he's forgotten who he is, then he starts shaking, and gulps out: "Sorry... I'm so sorry -"

Ide doesn't know what to say, but he's saved answering by Aizawa, who snaps out, "I think you hit an artery. If she doesn't get help quickly, he'll bleed to death. What the _fuck_ did you think you were doing?"

"I don't... I don't know. I just wanted him to _stop_ \- I just -" He's clinging to Ide now, fingers digging into his arms; Ide doesn't know what to do except let him, it _is_ stupid, it _is_ horrible, but what's the point of joining in with the riot act? 

" _Stop?_ " Aizawa snarls. "Well, yes, you got that all right! It was Kira he was most scared of, not us! We could have talked him round!"

"I - I'll -" Matsuda's wrenched himself away from Ide suddenly - "I'll go back. Stop, let me go back, I'll _explain_ , I'll help -" 

Ide dives on him before he can actually open the door, yanks him away from it. "Stop it -"

"I have to go back!"

Ide does shake him this time and Matsuda goes quiet, shuddering. In the darkness they hear Aizawa draw a furious breath.

"If you go back," Ide says, trying to sound calm and like he knows what he's doing and that things haven't all gone to hell, "Takada's lot will catch you, and find out where the notebook's hidden. Then that'll make the last few days completely pointless, not to mention get us all killed."

"If it weren't for that, I'd turn you in myself," Aizawa says through gritted teeth. "God damn it, she'd done _nothing_ \- she was just being a good hostess and now her husband's dying in her arms -"

"Stop it!" Ide hears his own voice shake a bit, but he pretends it's through frustration with the other two. "He gets it, all right?"

Aizawa mutters something, but it's quiet enough that it doesn't reach the back seat. Matsuda shudders, and slowly brings his hands up, presses them to his face. Ide reaches out, awkwardly pats him on the shoulder. (It's dark, Aizawa won't see, Aizawa shouldn't fucking _care_ at this juncture). Matsuda doesn't move, just curls more in on himself. They drive on.

***

Mikami watched as first the motorways faded away and then the lights and then other vehicles. Now there's just darkness. He thought he'd feel better once they got away from the lights - too much of it makes his head ache, and makes him think of, of _things,_ of people going out drinking and partying and hurting and of being out late on the streets, being lost - 

But the darkness is thick and solid out here and it's easier to sin in darkness like this, isn't it? The kind of thing which happens under streetlights happens because you are with people who think it is acceptable. The kind of thing which happens in this darkness are sins which you know are sins, but you commit them in the dark in the hope that no one will ever have to find out. 

Mikami thinks that he knows which kind of sin he's committing. 

Gevanni pulls off the road into deeper blackness - the headlights flare up with brambles for a few seconds before it all suddenly vanishes and the engine dies. It's very quiet out here. Mikami can't remember the last time any place has been so quiet. (Although he can't remember a lot, and so maybe other things have gone too, childhood memories, walks, silent afternoons -)

He takes a deep breath to remind himself that he can, and looks over at Gevanni. The man is leaning on the steering wheel, his head on his arms. Mikami wonders, as he has been on and off throughout the day, what he would do if Gevanni just died right in front of him, now, in this car. He would be grateful that another evil one had died, yes, because you want them all to disappear so that the world will be _better,_ but he promised. He swore in God's name that he would not hurt Gevanni, that he would stay with him. _Like he stayed with me,_ he finds himself thinking, and then - _no, he kidnapped me, he lied, he has only made things worse, and why did I swear to him like that when I knew? Why did I help him? Why didn't I -_

And then underneath that the voice of his god whispers _you know why, Teru Mikami; because you wanted friendship - you threw away your worship of me for flawed human companionship - and it wasn't even **real** -_

He shivers and waits until it passes and then: "Gevanni-san?" he says, softly. His companion shifts, raises his head a little: "Yeah?"

Gevanni is hurt and when someone is hurt you are supposed to provide help and solace, whether they're your friend or not. It's a ridiculous argument, but it helps bridge the gaps enough for him to say something. To say, "Perhaps you should lie down?" He doesn't know if that would be the best thing. But Gevanni looks very pale in the darkness, and when he moves they can both smell the blood, mingled with the stink of sweat and upholstery.

"No," he says. "I might need to... you know, drive on again in a hurry."

"I suppose."

"I should... I should call Lidner," Gevanni says, sounding dazed and numb now, as if he's just woken up. "I should..." He shivers, suddenly, as he fumbles for the phone. Mikami feels the reality of it all slipping away, like he's watching all this from behind glass. It's not a good feeling, it just is. And then all at once he's back in himself and he is _tired_ and his throat aches and he wants to get out of here, he wants to be home. It's all right, he knows he can't be, and he breathes in and out and just lets the feeling sit on him until it's weakened a little. It is a test. To see how much he can bear. But why is it always him who has to be tested? Why do other people have it easy?

He thinks, stupidly, that if he said this out loud, Gevanni would actually have an answer for it. This is stupid. Gevanni only has answers because Mikami has lost so much memory. But he - 

Anyway. Gevanni is speaking in English now, hesitant, tired. Then snaps the phone shut, shoves it back into his pocket. Mikami doesn't like to see him do it so casually, like he's already forgotten the phone isn't his.

"She's going to come and meet us."

"And then?"

"I dunno. Reckon she's found somewhere to lie low. We can..." He glances at Mikami, then away. "It'll give us time to catch up on sleep. Fix the hole in my leg. Stuff like... like that. And... and someone should take a look at your injury as well. I never even... even _considered_ going to medical school, so I'm probably..." He grins, and then the grin vanishes like when you blink away tears, and he lets his head slump again. "Probably best to keep talking. If you don't mind."

"I... I don't." It is not the talking he objects to, but he doesn't know what to say. He thinks he knows what Gevanni will want to say. _Why did you help me? Does that mean you've turned to my side?_ And Mikami _hasn't,_ he _can't,_ it's just that he wasn't able to think what else to do, and what is wrong with him that at the crucial moment, he lost the ability to choose?

"Tell me more about what happened before... before all this," he says, instead. "The parts I can't remember."

Gevanni sighs. "Told you the important bits."

"I know, but I've forgotten so much." He lets the regret show, just a bit. He's actually _furious,_ very deep down, that Gevanni took away the memories of judging the evildoers. That would have to have been one of the most perfect moments of his life and now it's been taken away, for good if Gevanni is telling the truth. But, but he can't think about it because he can't afford to get angry, not when he doesn't know which side to be on. "Did I... did I meet Kira, for instance?"

"No. Just passed messages through Takada, as I understand it. First time you saw what he looked like was at that warehouse."

Mikami tries to think back. If he saw Kira, he must be able to remember. Surely? But all he can do is picture fragments, like pieces of a dream. The small white-haired boy lying in a pool of blood. His own hands covered in ink. A man in a blue suit sinking to his knees. And the man about his age, with the golden-brown hair. Calm. No. Not calm, screaming and clutching his bloodstained hand - the images are hanging in his mind like stills from a film, and even as he tries to focus on them more they seem to fade. 

"But you think he was not my god," he says.

"He... he wasn't anyone's god."

Mikami thinks that that's a stupid remark when Gevanni must have seen the Sakura TV rallies, the devoted worshippers, the hope in everyone's eyes. "He was given the power to punish evil." 

"He was given the power to murder anyone he chose, and that's what he did. That's what you both did." Gevanni sighs, rubs a hand across his face. "Look... the last thing I need right now is an ideological debate. I... when I'm stronger, I'll tell you more stuff. But... I can't do this, not right now."

Mikami wants to force the issue. Doesn't he deserve to know? Doesn't he _need_ to know, especially when they took his memories away, lied and stole and left him knowing that whatever move he makes will be wrong? But he trusts that Gevanni will tell him more, eventually. For some reason.

And so he nods, and, remembering an earlier conversation, says, "I didn't know you have a sister." 

Gevanni laughs - or perhaps it's not a laugh - and lets his head slump again. He speaks more or less into his arms: "Yeah. Well. I don't. Not... not now."

"I'm sorry." Of course, that explains his awkwardness when he mentioned her earlier. "May I ask -"

"I wouldn't." Gevanni shivers. "Not... not right now, not when things are like this." He's trembling. "S... sorry, I shoot down all your openers, don't I?"

"It's all right." Mikami can hear that he sounds too polite, as though he's taking this too seriously, and he doesn't want to, he wants to sound competent, normal. So he does his best to do what is required of him. Asks Gevanni about where he went to college. They talk about classes and surviving on coffee, and junk food (Gevanni) and one meal a day (Mikami) and parties, and avoiding parties, and the night seems to stretch out around them, as if it's an exceptionally well-ordered dream.

Suddenly there's the growl of a vehicle in the distance. Gevanni tenses, looks round. Back down the road, from where they've come - headlights crawling over the mud and thorns. 

"Not too fast..." Gevanni whispers, and Mikami realises that indeed the vehicle isn't fast enough to be their pursuers. It's slower, rattling - and it skids to a halt next to him. A hill of darkness. A van. It parks next to them, and the passenger window is rolled down. The blonde woman who was one of Takada's bodyguards, who was at the warehouse, raises an eyebrow at them. Gevanni sits up a little. "Took... took you long enough."

She smiles, thinly. "I spent most of the journey convincing Mello _not_ to speed." 

So there are others present. Mikami feels his heart kick him in the chest. This is what he was frightened of. Maybe Gevanni can be seen as... not good, but someone who might one day _might_ be good. But that's how it goes - you start off associating with people who don't seem so bad and you end up being on the side of the evil ones, of people who don't care what they do. Mikami has a horrible feeling, suddenly, that he has taken the wrong path. If he were truly good he would get out of here while he can, or, or he would fight, he would kill them, but he isn't, he can only sit still - 

Hal Lidner has climbed out of the van, and Gevanni is opening the door. She's helping him out of the car now - English phrases jump out at Mikami: _can you stand? I'm **fine -**_ And now the driver is climbing out, hooded, face of shadow. (Sometimes - not often - Mikami dreamt about people with no faces. He remembers that.) Wrenches open the car door. "Hey. You." Sneering voice, accented Japanese. "We're leaving." The glint of moonshine in one eye. _Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I will fear no evil._ Mikami makes himself look the enemy in the face. That helps grip the fear, just a bit.

The figure - Mello - grabs him, wrenches him forward. Lidner sighs. "Don't give him a hard time, all right? He's forgotten -"

"He says he's forgotten."

"He has, all right?" That's Gevanni, sounding tired and irritated. "The last thing he needs right now is your attitude."

"Let's just get away from here," Lidner says. She's opening the back of the van, helping Gevanni inside. "Mikami-san - can you join me, please? I could do with an extra pair of hands if Gevanni's really hurt, and I wouldn't trust Mello's doctoring skills."

Mello snorts. "Some people might be grateful for me driving hundreds of miles out in the middle of bloody nowhere to pick up their friends." The inside of the van smells of oil and leather and, faintly, of sawdust. Mikami kneels on its floor and tries not to think of how filthy it is. Gevanni scrambles in and sinks down as well, gritting his teeth. 

"Hold off on playing doctors and nurses for a bit," Mello says, scrambling into the driver's seat. "I want to put some distance between us and the car."

"You're just going to leave it?" Lidner says. 

Mello isn't looking at them - the van starts up, shuddering underneath them - but Mikami hears the grin in his voice as he says, "I'll go back and tidy up, don't worry."

"This is going to involve fire, isn't it," Gevanni mutters.

"I'm just saying if you've got someone else's phone on you, you may as well give me that, too. Two birds, one stone, you know?"

The van lurches, judders on every bump as they weave along the road. Eventually it stops, and Mello climbs out again, calling back, "Be good, kids," as he goes.

Mikami feels something cold and hard - a torch - pressed into his hands. Numbly, he switches it on. Lidner has already got a first aid kit open beside her, directs him to shine the light over Gevanni. The man is horribly pale in the torchlight, like that's the only thing giving him colour. "You don't look fine," Lidner is commenting. And a hand to his forehead - "You're burning up." 

"It wasn't that... that bad. It just..." Gevanni swallows, blinks. "Mikami got me out of there." Their eyes meet for a second. Mikami wonders if Gevanni can guess that part of him is wishing he'd made the right choice back at the service station. Lidner just shrugs and says lightly, "Glad to hear it." She glances at Mikami for a second, then turns her attention to Gevanni's wound.

Mikami thinks that he falls asleep - or perhaps doesn't, because the two figures in front of him don't vanish, don't sink into darkness, but just hang there, edged in the gold of the torchlight, and it's his mind which seems to change, seems, for a few moments, to _know_ everything, to know what's right. Then the van door slams, and all of that knowledge rushes away. He aches and his eyes hurt and the van smells of antiseptic. Hospitals. 

There's creaking and rustling as Mello clambers back into the driving seat. He smells of smoke. Lidner doesn't look round from Gevanni, but she says, dryly, "What did you do?"

"Just a little disfigurement. Don't worry, it's all legal. Well... it isn't, but that's the least of our problems." Scrabbling; suddenly he's leaning over the seats, blocking out the night sky. Mikami sees his face properly now and his heart lurches at the sight of it. It's like a face drawn in chalk that someone's run their hand across, tried to rub out. 

"How are our guests?" it says, and Mikami can hardly believe words are coming from it. He looks away, down at the floor. This man faced the judgement of God and survived. Even if you survive, how much must it hurt? And it shows and everyone can see what happened to you. Everyone will look. 

"Fine," Gevanni says again, but he mumbles it now, as if he's tired. Lidner shakes her head. "I don't like you having a fever."

"It... it was a graze, it barely touched me," Gevanni says, trying to sit up a little. "Probably just from... you know, too little food and lack of sleep. Besides, what would you do... call a doctor?"

"My point proven." Mello smirks; seeing him do that is even more of a jolt, that his face is capable of normal expression at all. "And I'd quite like to get out of the middle of nowhere and back to somewhere where there aren't fields."

"All right," Lidner says. "Here." She pulls her own jacket off. "At least keep warm, Gevanni." 

"There, what more do you want?" Mello leans over to prod Lidner on the arm. "Keep an eye on the loony as well, okay?" He says something in English now that Mikami doesn't catch. Lidner rolls her eyes, takes the torch back. Mello slides back down into the driver's seat, starts the engine again, and the torchlight flicks off and they're all in the dark.

After a while Mello turns the radio on; skips between stations, music, words. Mikami's always hated people who do that. Not that he listens to the radio much anyway. He only puts it on to listen to the news, or to a particular programme, if it's something he is actually interested in. He doesn't just have it on all the time like it replaces thoughts. With Gevanni-san it was _different,_ they _needed_ it, it was for information, but Mello is just, Mello is just - He is angry suddenly, anger welling up in his throat, pressing against the laceration, and it sticks in his gullet as if the nib of the pen were still there with strands of flesh trailing from it. He imagines the idea, of doing it, of how hard you would have to stab. He hadn't stabbed hard enough, so does that mean he didn't really want to die? He remembers holding the pen, palm damp against it, and he'd been wondering if the dampness was sweat or ink or blood. Why had he thought it would be blood? He doesn't remember the actual deed, though. Gevanni-san explained. But he could be _lying_ he could be _lying_ and Mikami is just letting him lie and being led into sin and why is he even hesitating about death? 

_"... murdered in cold blood -"_ Takada says, sorrowfully.

He jumps, but it really is her. It's the news. She's talking about the other people they're looking for. 

They all listen and eventually Mello mutters, "You said it's that lot who actually know where the notebook is?"

"That's right," Lidner says.

"Oh, _brilliant._ Congratulations to the FBI on its fucking excellent planning skills."

Lidner shrugs. "I'm sure none of us have attained the level of intellect you'd hope for, Mello, but we're all you have at the moment."

"Yes, but why did you give them the responsibility of hiding the damn thing? They're idiots, they worked with Kira for five years and didn't even notice!"

"We should find them," Gevanni cuts in. "They'll... it sounds like she's released pictures of them as well. If we don't find them, Kira will -"

"And this will all have been for nothing, blah, blah, be heroic. Lidner did the whole spiel before when she was convincing me to come and find _you._ Wonderful." Mello stretches, actually taking both hands off the wheel for a moment. Mikami pictures the van crashing, chopping them all up into red wet nothing. It's a sharp, jagged thought, but it's not entirely horrible. "Okay. Let's get going. This is going to be a long night."


	8. Romance

They have the radio on while they drive. Matsuda really wishes they didn't; it makes him feel like he's constantly being shoved off his feet, and if he dared he would yell at them to turn it off or at least press his hands to his ears and try and lose the noise in the hiss of blood. Of course he's not going to do that because he's not a coward, he can face up to what he's done, if - if Sato-san _is_ \- if Matsuda actually _has_ \- 

Except that he _can't_ have, he never set out to kill anyone, he was just trying to be decisive, he was just trying to get them out of the situation - it was an _accident_ \- 

_Of course it wasn't,_ his memory reminds him, _I meant to fire the gun - it wasn't like I just **tripped** or something -_

He'd been trying to sort everything out. Thinking that he couldn't just wait to be caught, and there was no way he was going to kill Raito, so he had to take the initiative, act like an adult for once. He'd thought that if he shot the phone then that would be it. He'd let himself think that being brave enough to take action meant what he did would work out. He didn't think about how likely it was he could make the shot, or what might happen if he missed. Just - wanting to be _decisive,_ remembering how, before, he'd held back on shooting Raito dead and - maybe that was it, maybe subconsciously he'd just wanted someone dead - 

_It won't, right, it won't have killed him, he was still alive when we left and - and Ide told her to call an ambulance, they'll have got there and saved him and - it's still not **good** but - _

It hurts, waiting like this, so desperate to hear good news, sometimes almost dozing off and dreaming that he's found out, that he's off the hook, and sometimes his thoughts getting faster and faster as they run through what it'll mean if the guy didn't survive. He wants to cling onto someone and tell them how scared he is and have them tell him it's going to be fine, he's just getting worked up over nothing like he always does. He wants to have someone hug him because you can hold onto them and it feels like you've got something safe keeping you up. Of course there's no way in hell he's going to go near Ide while Aizawa's a foot away from them. And besides, even if they were on their own it'd look like he thinks he deserves someone to make out with him because he's had such a bad time. He _should_ feel guilty, of course he should, but he's always been weak, so is it so surprising now that he wants the bad feelings to go away?

And then suddenly there's the news beginning. Matsuda feels like he's going to be sick and very nearly doesn't give a damn about what everyone thinks and clutches at Ide anyway. He clenches his fists, though, tries not to think about how scared he feels, how difficult it is to get out each breath. 

Takada starts to speak.

_"Ryokan owner Hirota Sato was murdered in cold blood by the fugitives. He was an innocent man, killed by those who have no concern for the weak..."_

For a moment there's just disbelief, the desperate hope that he's misunderstood, or is dreaming, and underneath, the knowledge that he isn't and he knows he isn't and horror is splitting his chest open, cutting his throat - 

_"If good citizens do not find these people, tonight's tragedy will only be repeated. We haven't yet been vigilant enough. We haven't been as strong as Lord Kira wants us to be. Once again, I implore all our listeners to keep an eye out for suspicious behaviour and to report it by calling the following number..."_

Aizawa swears under his breath. Ide is very still, staring ahead, not looking at Matsuda. The night is still dark and nothing's changed, the car hums along as smoothly as it did a minute ago, the dashboard and clock glow orange, and Matsuda feels like he's falling and why the hell is nobody noticing?

_I killed someone,_ he thinks, testing it out like he hopes it won't sound as bad as it is, _I killed someone._ But it doesn't sound good or bad, it just sounds stupid, made-up.

_I killed someone and then just ran out the door and left him. I didn't even try and help him. Even Ide stopped to tell her to call an ambulance - she was nice to us and - I just ran out the door_ \- he _tried_ to go back, he _said_ he would, but they hadn't let him - and maybe he wouldn't have done even so, maybe he would have wussed out - 

He is slumped with his head on his hands and he's just trying so hard to keep everything as it was, keep the darkness and silence and chatter of the radio and not disturb it even though he feels like the shock of what's happened is going to rip its way out of him. He breathes in and breathes out and _this can't go on forever,_ he tells himself, _sooner or later something will happen,_ the hiss of the car against the road and lights passing over them. _There's nothing I can do but sooner or later something will happen._ But he doesn't know what to do, and what's the point of doing anything now except giving himself up? Anything he does will just make it look like _oh, yeah, sure, I killed a guy but it's not a big deal, I'm still going to go on with life like normal, chill out why don't you..._ And he works over and over on the thoughts, squashing them down, trying to make them fit in his head properly, and if it's too difficult at least it stops him looking at them properly. 

At some point, the car stops - just at the side of the road, like Aizawa doesn't know what to do either. Ide's telling him to get some rest, but they drive on anyway, they come off the motorway, they drive down darker and darker roads. At last, when there are no more lights, they stop and Aizawa clambers over into the passenger seat and a few seconds later he's snoring. The journey having stopped doesn't make Matsuda feel any better; at least when they were moving he could kid himself they had something to aim for. Now there's just darkness and silence and all the thinking. God, when he fired he could feel even then that it wasn't going to work, knew the angle wasn't right, but it was like it wasn't really happening, like what he _really_ wanted to do was lock solid and he had to do something, anything - 

Ide's half-up - of course, he's going to move into the front and take over the driving - but as Matsuda looks round at him, he awkwardly sits back down again like he was caught trying to sneak out and says, grumpily, "You should try and sleep too."

It doesn't feel like there is any point in trying to sleep. It's as much as Matsuda can do just to sit still and not start yelling or crying or acting like a lunatic. Not that he can explain that.

"Too cold," he says instead, which is at least sort-of true. 

Silence again. Of course, Aizawa's asleep now. Matsuda could easily reach out, in the dark, pull Ide close, get the comforting and the touch he thought he wanted. But now he's suddenly scared at the thought - that he _will_ get what he asked for and it won't do a thing, and he'll get fully how much trouble he's in. 

Why is he even thinking like this, anyway? What sort of sick twisted weirdo kills someone and then starts thinking about how much they want to make out? What sort of arrogant loser thinks that anyone would _want_ to make out with them after they've done something so bad?

The silence gets thicker and thicker and he wonders if maybe Ide thinks he's expecting to be talked to, maybe Ide thinks that Matsuda thinks because they've kissed and stuff that cancels it out, that that's what you do when it's romance. _That I'm that stupid._ To be honest Matsuda has no clue where romance fits in with this. In most love stories either all the characters have killed people because it's an action setting, or the question never comes up because they've got a bunch of hilarious or bittersweet misunderstandings to get round. 

In real life, sure, you get people who've killed someone and then their wife or girlfriend keeps it quiet, gives them an alibi, helps them hide the body. And then when it's all found out they cry and say that they thought he still loved them, that's why they did it. But that doesn't fit either. He and Ide only started doing this because they were scared and tired and lonely. Now they're going to be even more so, but it's Matsuda's fault, so why the hell would Ide want to seek comfort with him?

These thoughts are going round and round and making less sense every time and the silence is squashing Matsuda's lungs and if he and Ide have a fight at least it'll be better than this, any kind of conversation has to be better than this, so he takes a deep breath and then he says, "I didn't mean to."

Which is a stupid thing to start off with because first of all, he doesn't know any more if it's true, and second of all, it's like he thinks just saying that will make it all better. But before he can explain, show he's not that arrogant, Ide has shifted, looked round at him, and says, "I never said you did."

His voice sounds far away too, like he's more than half-asleep, but Matsuda can see the moonlight glinting in one eye. The response is fair enough, but Matsuda wishes he hadn't heard it anyway. It's, like, Ide is just all _what can I say? What do you want me to do?_ And there _isn't_ anything that can be done. That's the point.

"I mean..." Ide carries on, hopeless, like he knows these won't be the right words, "I mean, you were just being an idiot. You didn't..." But then he trails off. Matsuda nearly yells at him _don't you start hinting stuff! I **was** just being an idiot, you think I wanted anyone to die? You think I like things happening like this?_ But he doesn't - partly he doesn't have the energy to shout, and also he's too scared if he does he'll never stop, he'll just be screaming and screaming, and it isn't like he can prove Ide wrong, stupid people make mistakes but those aren't usually _bad_ mistakes - it's evil people who kill - 

He's a _criminal_ now. He doesn't know why he didn't think of it earlier. Before he was only one because NHN said so but _now_ \- now he's someone that _anyone_ would want dead. _He_ would want him dead, if he were reading about this case. Thinking how awful it was that an innocent couple doing nothing wrong could have their lives destroyed by some mad gunman and wishing the perpetrator dead just so that he couldn't keep on doing it, thinking it was okay, not even being sorry - and he should have _known,_ back at the warehouse he was trying his hardest not to stop Raito but to kill him and he got a free pass on that and he didn't learn -

He is slumped over, arms resting on his knees, and he is trying to keep the thoughts in his head and he's trying to just breathe in and breathe out but it feels like there's something stuck in his throat and that makes him think of Mikami, and then of Raito, Raito screaming - 

Ide grabs him, shakes him sharply, almost as if he's physically choking on something. He gasps for breath and suddenly he's crying, or perhaps he already was and didn't notice, it all breaks down and even as he tries to keep it together tears are spilling down his face Just that all the control he's been trying to keep is suddenly lost and all he can do is clutch at Ide and they're holding each other, Ide's hands on his back, head resting on his.

"Stop it," Ide says at last, his voice humming against Matsuda's face. "We can't go to pieces now."

Matsuda wants to believe him, have it be the two of them helping each other to stay calm in the face of the pressure they're under. It's messed up and wrong and _evil_ but he wants it anyway and so he raises his head, presses his lips to Ide's. For one moment he thinks the other man will just freeze up, unresponsive, appalled that Matsuda could even think of doing this, but he doesn't - after a pause, he kisses back, wraps his arms more closely around Matsuda.

It doesn't work, though. Kissing is something that's meant to make you feel all floaty and happy and just thinking about _you_ and how the other person is _touching you_ and how nothing else matters because you're getting kissed. Now Matsuda can feel the ache in his throat and his chest, and taste his own tears and, on Ide's mouth, the faint echo of the meal they all ate, that Mariko Sato cooked for them before they - 

There's no one that can make this better, and that's _good,_ that's how it _should_ be if you've murdered someone but what are you meant to do if you can't give yourself up, if all you can do is keep running away? 

They move apart now. Ide is glancing away, shifting a little like he feels bad about doing that as well. Ide got freaked out enough just by, say, them listening to Raito and Takada kiss, over the intercom. Being expected to be all romantic - which he's terrible at anyway - with a murderer, being expected to sort-of-just forget about the death because suddenly he's supposed to have some sort of commitment, to how a romance _should_ go if not to Matsuda himself - if Matsuda's going to be selfish enough to force someone to make him feel better and tell him everything's all right, there are people whom it's less mean to do that to.

"You're... you're right," he says, and pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to kid himself it's almost as warm as lying against someone else. "I should get some sleep while... while I can."

"It..." Ide stops, and then just sighs, and says, "Right. I'll move us on in a bit but you don't... you just rest, all right?"

Matsuda huddles in the corner of the seat, where the window is clammy against the side of his face and he can feel the night air tickling his fingers. Telling himself that he's got to be brave, got to deal with this himself, helps a bit. Lets him pretend there's still some way he can redeem himself, at least. 

***

This room is small and too hot and it smells funny too, of sweat. Misa never really thought about what it would be like coming here. You joked about it but you never imagined doing it; it was for grown-ups, parents having affairs, or the bad kids who smoked and then stubbed them out on the backs of people's necks. But she kind of always thought it would be a bit glamorous, at least, a bit _cool._ It's not. The carpet is dull red and the ceiling's too low and as she sinks down onto the bed the mattress sinks with her and springs throb inside it.

Mogi stands at the doorway, not looking at her. Misa thinks if she meets his gaze she might, she might cry or scream or throw something at him and she doesn't want to do that so she scowls down at her feet instead, wrenches off her shoes. Her legs ache. They walked along the side of a motorway for miles and she stomped ahead and refused to hold Mogi's arm at any point. She knows he thinks it was because she's angry with him, and it _was,_ but it was also because she was crying; stupid, silent tears constantly oozing down over her face, and he wasn't going to see them.

Mogi closes the door behind them, gently, but then just stands there. There isn't a chair in this room either. You're not supposed to be doing anything you don't need a bed for. You're not supposed to - 

The tears are back, suddenly. Furious, she rubs them away, but Mochi has already spotted them, is looking concerned. She glares at him as fiercely as she can. She doesn't need him. She doesn't _need_ him, she doesn't need anyone except Raito and she's lost him, she's so stupid, it's all her fault - 

There's a little TV in the corner; she hurries over to it, flicks it on and hastily navigates it away from the pay-per-view channel it was set to and over to NHN. Sits down, crossing her arms, and waits, trying to think. She told Mochi he had to help her find Raito and keep him safe. So that's what she's trying to do. Find Raito and help him however he needs to be helped. Except that Raito's with Takada, and Misa's smart enough to know the woman is probably just _itching_ for an excuse to get rid of her. Raito's probably told Takada that Misa isn't useful any more, that Takada is so much better.

It just... if Raito needed someone, why didn't he come to Misa? Why didn't he know he could trust her? She knows that's stupid, that Takada's really famous right now and has all those bodyguards, but her mind keeps asking the question anyway. Like she's _trying_ to make herself miserable. (But why didn't he even call her? Did he really think she was completely useless?)

"Are you going to stand there all night?" she snaps at Mochi, and he blinks. Before he can answer she carries on, "It's okay, you can come and sit on the bed, Misa doesn't think you're going to do anything bad, it isn't like you ever _lie_ to me or anything -" 

She expects Mochi just to look vaguely regretful like he usually does when something he doesn't like happens, but he glances away from her, seeming to grit his teeth, like he actually cares about her being mad. That should make her feel better, that someone else is upset, but it just makes her feel even more tired and scared. Like when you're a kid and you have a tantrum and want to stop and can't. Like everything's falling to bits and she can't fix any of it, she needs Raito, she has to help him and - and Mochi _never_ cares about stuff really, he's just polite and lets her cling onto him when her shoes hurt her - 

She turns away as he comes to sit down on the bed - it creaks even more and she feels the mattress sloping down towards him. She wants to lean against him, bury her face in his shoulder and just, just stop trying not to cry because it hurts your throat after a while, swallowing tears - 

She pulls her knees to her chest instead, hugs them, scowls at the TV. It's some stupid game show, trying to make her laugh. 

All this time she was so _terrified_ that Raito could be dead and she was trying to be brave and Mochi knew all along - how on earth can he _not_ expect her to be mad? Anyone would be, being treated like that, lied to and dragged halfway across the country and - and made to look _stupid,_ stupid in front of your family - Fuyumi clearly thought it was _all her fault,_ again - obviously thought there was no way this fiance could exist because of Misa cuddling up to Mochi - 

And all those stupid, _stupid_ thoughts. She wants to burn herself to death thinking about them. That Mochi was sweet to be worried about her and it was kind of fun playing house with him and, she was _partly_ thinking, tonight, maybe if they both had a little drink they perhaps - if something happened, just a kiss and cuddle - she's _owed_ that, after all, and it would only be _Mochi,_ Raito wouldn't care - and all that time he was lying to her - she thought he'd be _shy_ -

Maybe there's a minibar in this room, maybe after the news she can have a drink and then she'll be able to sleep at least. Right now she's pretty sure she'll never be able to sleep again. But not til after the news. Kiyomi hasn't got her that beaten.

When it finally comes on she can hardly make sense of what Takada is saying. The words seem random, it's who's saying them that's important. And she feels sick and sweaty and blotchy and if Kiyomi saw her sitting in this second-rate love hotel she'd just smile and say, say to Raito - 

_"He was an innocent man -"_

Misa yanks at her hair, and that makes her listen properly. Even though what's being said still doesn't make a lot of sense. Well. No. In one way it makes perfect sense, Matsu and the others are the bad guys and so they've killed innocent people, they just shot some guy because, (and the family all saw), but she's always thought they're kind of _funny,_ they need Raito so much even though they're all so much older and - this isn't funny, not really, not really at all...

After a bit, she looks round at Mochi. He's staring at the screen, pale, one of the few times she's actually seen him looking properly horrified. 

"Takada's stupid," she says, not sure why. "She doesn't know anything."

Mogi doesn't seem to hear her at first. Eventually, he blinks, turns to look at her. He looks very tired, she notices. 

"Something must have... gone wrong," he says at last. "Someone could have tried to attack them, or..."

"Yeah." But then, she doesn't see why she should be trying to make him feel better, so she just shrugs and turns her back.

"Misa," he says, "I don't -"

"I don't care." Her voice is going croaky now as she remembers how angry she is, but she clenches her fists and makes herself carry on: "You lied to me and made me think he was in trouble and he's _fine_ and he's with her and... and I can't... I can't..."

She was about to say _I can't get back to him._

Except that's not true, of course. She could wait until Mochi's gone to sleep - he looks so tired already - and then she could creep out of the room, go downstairs, find the nearest payphone. Or ask the hotel clerk to call for her. Takada's people would arrive, arrest Mochi, and then Raito would know whose side his fiancee was on, he would... he would see...

Takada wouldn't want him to, though. Takada might even have her taken away as well, like say she'd obviously been helping Mochi and so was against Kira. At the very least, she could say _it isn't safe for you to go see Raito, you've been hanging around with his enemies._ Misa rubs her eyes, presses the palms of her hands to them. She's so tired. And nothing makes sense, in her head all the facts are tangled up and she can't sort them out. She should _know_ she always turns to Raito. Just because she's away from him, and she's back in Kansai, it makes it hard. All the memories she had of him, the ones that prove he loves her, she can't get to them. Like trying to remember the tune of one song when another is playing.

"You should try and get some sleep," Mogi says at last. She feels him move a little closer to her.

"I don't _want_ to sleep. I want to..." But she doesn't know what it is she wants. No... she wants to be able to cry, properly, without having to hide it. 

"Look... Misa, I..." He stops, and she isn't expecting him to get up the guts to carry on so she is startled when he says, "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to do what seemed best and..."

" _Best?_ "

Awkward silence. She looks round at him; he's staring dully at the floor. 

"I meant what I said," he says at last. "He doesn't love you. We both know that."

To have her own fear stated so calmly, like it's nothing - she's whirled round before she can think and she's grabbed at his shirt front and she's screaming "Shut up, _shut up_ -" Even as she does it she thinks how stupid it makes her look. He could pick her up off the floor if he wanted, she can't stop him doing anything, the only thing she is better than him at doing is talking and, and lying and now he's even defeated her in those - 

And then she is crying, like she wanted to, pathetic howls like she's a kid, like laughter, like she's crazy - and she cries and cries and Mogi, after a few seconds, is nervously patting her, stroking her hair. And she thinks, she thinks about her stupid little plan to kiss him, about how it would have been _nice,_ how it wouldn't have mattered, and - and she is thinking, _why not? Why not, really?_

She is so scared. She doesn't think she's ever been this scared - not in the nights after Mum and Dad died; not when Ryuzaki had her tied up in the dark. She is frightened and she hardly even knows why, just that she's being swept away in it and normally she would summon up the thought of Raito and imagine him holding her, telling her not to worry, that he'd protect her, and she can't do that now. 

If she just lies here in alone in the darkness and thinks about all this stuff, then she thinks she might actually go crazy. She can't do it. She just can't.

And she needs to cope. She needs to help herself cope. Raito will understand.

She feels herself take a little, quick breath, and then she leans in and kisses Mogi. It's not how she imagined it to be, but it's touch, at least, warmth, the softness of someone else's lips. She doesn't remember ever being so nervous with a kiss before. Raito always kissed _her,_ so she knew he wanted it, and with other guys it was just a game, she didn't care. She always cared with Raito. And somehow she cares now, with Mochi. Not that she - not that she, but, she is on her own and she needs someone to help her and she _can't_ think about how badly she's ruined everything - she needs to be strong for Raito - 

Mochi hasn't pulled away, but he's still, hesitating. 

"Misa," he says, his breath warm on her lips, "what are you doing?"

"It's a kiss, Mochi. Haven't - haven't you had one before?" She wants to sound flirty, but she just sounds choked up. 

He sighs, turning his face away - she can't tell if he's irritated or what - and he puts his hands on her shoulders, leans down to look her in the eye. Like she's a kid or something, or like _she's_ the one who's being stupid or who's screwed up, not him. "Don't be silly." And then he stops, like he's not sure what to say next, like he's never done this before. Swallows, then: "What I've been saying about - about Raito, that isn't because I wanted you to do _this_ -"

Like a slap to the face. She actually hears her breathing shake as if she hurts too much to do it properly. Because she's sad about Raito, of course, because she's so frightened about that, that even this tiny, _unimportant_ rejection hurts.

"Well, I'm sorry," she makes herself say. Horribly, her voice is still swollen with tears. She wants to have some dignity. She wants to be able, for once, to act all ice queen like Kiyomi. "I'm sorry it isn't what you wanted. Looks like no one's getting what they want tonight, are they?"

"That's not..." He stops. She keeps staring at him. It doesn't make sense. She's always assumed he thought she was at least a little bit pretty, they all did, right? Everyone thought she was pretty. (Raito clearly didn't, her mind says now.) He probably would prefer some girl who was older and smarter or at least not a complete emotional _wreck,_ a girl with no horrible stories in her past and a big family who loved her.. 

"Go on, say it!" she hisses at him. "I'm not going to do all the talking this time! Say it to Misa's face! Tell me how much you don't like me!"

"I never said I didn't like you!" 

The words are wrenched out of him and they sound _real,_ or rather, they don't, they sound like what someone would say in a drama, or what Raito, in her head, sometimes says, but not Mochi who never says anything...

She stares at him and, blushing, he carries on, "I do... of course I like you, but... that doesn't mean..."

She feels hot and buzzing and terribly sad and yet floating, like you sometimes do when you've cried a lot.

"It's not appropriate," he says. "It never has been."

She actually giggles. Nothing's _appropriate,_ not right now, is it? Everything is messed up and horrible. He's a liar and she's cheating on her fiance who loves her. 

And she knows she should be feeling guilty but she doesn't _care,_ she is _tired_ of Raito taking her for granted, and if he won't show up in her head this time to protect her then Mochi will just have to be a stand-in. When was the last time she had sex? She's not sure she can even _remember._ And she's not - she's _not_ just going to sit around crying - she's going to make something happen, like she always does. _Stay strong. Stay strong for Raito._ (If she keeps thinking that, she can avoid the really, really awful thought that he wouldn't _care_ if she sleeps with someone else.)

She doesn't say all that stuff, though. She just leans close to Mogi and he puts his arms round her and then she looks up at him and they're kissing again. 

Things move quickly after that. As soon as they move apart this time he's looking at her with that other look, the dreamy unfocused look guys are meant to get when they've kissed her. The one Raito doesn't have nearly often enough. This time, thinking of Raito doesn't make her feel sad or scared, it opens up all the anger again and it's so thick for a second that she can't breathe. It isn't just Raito, it's Mochi and Fuyumi and Kiyomi and everything, but she wants to scream, to hurt, and now she's kissing Mochi again, fiercely, greedily, scrabbling at his clothes, and he's trembling and his hands are on her back, tangled in her hair, holding her close. He's being gentle, like she imagined he would be, touching her like she'd break, but she's dizzy with the rage, and all the crying from earlier, and the throbbing of blood all through her, and she wants him to be feeling as much as that. She kisses at his throat and his chest and she wriggles herself in close, knees on either side of him, the mattress groaning beneath them. He's holding her waist and she feels his hands go still and he asks her if she's sure, like he still doesn''t trust her, like she's the one who's been lying. 

"Of course Misa's sure," she says. And just to make it clear to both of them that she's going through with this, she takes hold of his hand and guides it up under her skirt. 

And now the anger's gone, there's only the heat and the humming in her head but the bad feelings are swept away on the warmth pulsing inside her. Far, far back in her head, she thinks to herself _what am I doing, what am I even doing,_ but her thoughts aren't important any more, there's only her feelings and they're what moves her now, making her dig her fingers into his back and arch and twist against him and if she is angry it's only because bits of real life are caught on the two of them - tangled clothes and the bed creaking beneath them and her legs still aching from the walk and the wait when he has to turn away from her and scrabble in the nightstand drawer. She doesn't want real life any more. This is a detour from it, just like making a movie is. When you're beautiful and you're a star and everything you do is wonderful. This is what Raito was _supposed_ to give her - 

(That thought wasn't meant to be there, that thought isn't true -)

No. No, she's not going to let _anything_ ruin this, she hasn't felt this amazing in forever, and she clutches Mochi's shoulders and her tangled hair sticks to her neck and white hot spotlights flare up behind her eyes. She hears herself crying out and she thinks that she almost sounds angry again, or sad, and she remembers that she wondered, idly, if Mochi was as quiet in bed as he was the rest of the time, and then she figures even if he did make a sound, she probably drowned him out.

And then she's back in reality again. At first, just sensations - hot and sticky and all tangled up with another person who's much taller than she is - and the sheets smell faintly of cigarettes. The air tastes good, though, cool and fresh in her mouth. They're both lying still, as if they're hiding, or just been in a car crash and not daring to move in case it brings everything down on them. 

Mochi still has his arms round her, is still holding her so gently. Fragments of thoughts float down on her now. _He loves me, so it's not so bad he lied. Worried about me, wanted me to be okay. That's nice. Thinks I'm special._ And _of course he doesn't like Raito. Of course he'd say mean things about him._ Everything's a little bit more all right. She just needed to know someone loved her.

They lie in silence for a bit. She thinks Mochi's half-asleep, and she likes the feeling of being the only one awake to enjoy this newer, safer place. A bit later - maybe she dozed as well - she leans up to flick the bedside lamp on, put off the top light. It makes it cosier. Mochi obviously feels her move, because he shifts a little, opens his eyes. 

"Are you all right?" he whispers.

"Yes."

She hopes he'll doze off again, that they can just lie here in their own shadow world, but he sits up a little, listening. There isn't much to hear - the slam of a door outside, below them, and faint creaks and moans from other rooms. Misa wants to giggle, but then she sees Mogi reach for the TV remote and she grabs at his wrist. "Oh, come on, who wants to see Kiyomi at this time of night?"

"I need to keep track of the situation," he says. "Your sister..." 

Misa shivers. Fuyumi would have - sure, she might not have called NHN right away, but - she'd come back, see the flat all messy. Maybe she'd think Mogi had kidnapped Misa. Or that he'd tried to hurt her. Even if she didn't call NHN, she might call the police. 

She lets go of Mogi, and he flicks the TV on again. The screen flickers, harsh white compared to the dark glow of the lamp. Misa cuddles up to Mogi - see, she wanted someone to cuddle as well, it's horrible being frightened and not being able to hold on to anyone - and they both watch. 

But there are no special broadcasts. Even when the news comes on - it's not Takada this time, she's obviously gone home to sleep - it's just the same announcements it was before. There's the stuff about Matsu and the others killing that guy, of course, but nothing about Mochi. 

"Maybe Fuyumi's hoping I'll come back and admit how dumb I was," Misa says. "Maybe she doesn't want me to think she hates me, so she's kept her mouth shut." It isn't totally convincing - Fuyumi would be way more likely to call NHN and then be all _it was for your own good, Misa,_ but she clearly _hasn't,_ not yet.

Mogi is silent for a few seconds, then, at last, he says, "She was worried about you."

"Huh?"

"She was worried that you might have got caught up with Kira somehow. Be in danger."

The thoughts are slinking back now. Misa scowls at them. 

"Guess she's right," she hears herself say. "Not that Misa _knew,_ of course. Still, she'd be all _you should have worked it out, how could you be so irresponsible..._ " 

_Should have known he didn't love you._

She takes a deep, slow breath, and she tries to confront that thought head-on. She doesn't know it. She _doesn't,_ it - it's not true, she - she'll talk to Raito, she'll get him to explain - maybe she'll tell him about what she's done tonight, show him she means business, she needs to hear that he cares about her. And he'll... 

Only perhaps he _won't,_ perhaps if - if he really doesn't want - perhaps if he's looking for an excuse then maybe he'll tell her to go off with Mogi if that's what she wants -

Well - well, _she_ can say to him _what about Kiyomi, huh? What about that?_ and he'd say that that was for the investigation, only... only of course it _wasn't,_ because he's Kira, so he came up with the idea to start seeing Takada just because he wanted to see her... he chose her to be his spokesperson and then told the task force he had to investigate her and - _I could have helped,_ she wants to scream at him, _if you'd asked, I'd have helped_ \- 

She can say _well, Mochi made me feel better than **you** ever did_ and even if it's not true, she knows it will make Raito angry, hearing he wasn't very good at something, and she feels her mouth curve into a smile at the thought before she catches up with herself. She's not supposed to be planning a fight, she's supposed to be... to be planning how to get him back.

(It isn't quite true. It isn't like Raito hasn't sometimes made her feel so amazing she thought she would die. It's more like that Mochi clearly really _wanted_ to make her feel amazing. And like she feels if she could hurt him if she wanted to, that he actually cares about how all this ends up. With Raito sometimes she wanted to slap him just because she cared so much and it was so tiring sometimes and it just wasn't quite fair that he didn't have to feel that way.)

The point is that she can't get him back, not until Kiyomi's out of the picture. 

"Hey..." she says, cuddling up against Mogi, pulling the covers more over herself, "Kiyomi knows about him being Kira, right? And what it is that you guys have stolen?"

"Yes." He puts an arm round her, strokes her hair, but she can feel him tensing a little. He doesn't really want to talk about the situation either. Fair enough. Misa's thoughts are telling her just to focus on how weird it is (and yet kind of nice) that she and Mochi are cuddling with no clothes on in bed together. To notice everything in case it never happens again. 

But Misa-Misa is brave, and she can't be angry she was lied to if she doesn't do anything with the truth.

If Kiyomi knows that stuff, that probably means she knows how to get Kira to kill people. Or how to use whatever it is that - that Raito uses. (Raito's killed, like, _hundreds_ of people. It isn't exactly a bad thought - it's just mind-blowing, like finding out, say, someone you know is an Olympic athlete, or helped split the atom, or something.) The point is that Misa really, _really_ needs to keep a low profile, make Kiyomi forget about her. Or at least think she isn't going to steal Raito back. And Misa doesn't particularly want the woman to screw things up for Mochi, either. Mochi's been nice to her. Kiyomi has always been horrible. 

So. So, Misa can stay with Mochi, stay hiding. Two people checking into love hotels, that's still a good cover. She thinks she'll be able to keep it together now that she has _someone_ who likes her. She can stay hiding and see what Raito and Kiyomi do. Either they won't find her and Mochi, so they'll just go on as they are; or they will, but hopefully Misa will get a chance to talk to Raito. Ask him what - what he's doing, whether he wants - Just ask him stuff. She should get Mochi to tell her stuff, then she can hopefully make Kiyomi think she knows loads of useful information and of course it would make sense for Raito to ask her about it. And then they'll have a chance to talk.

"You guys would want to arrest Kiyomi?" she says, thinking about it. Okay, that would be another way it could work out. Hey, maybe Raito would make it look like Kiyomi had been Kira all along and she'd be executed and - 

\- there's no way Raito would let himself get caught, Misa doesn't need to worry about that - 

_But_ she'd still like to talk to him and... like, say if this did all get sorted for the task force and Raito ran away, Misa would hate to always be thinking of him out there, always waiting and wondering if he'd come back. Like, even if it was stupid, even if there was no way he could because he'd be caught - like, say because she was living with Mochi _or something_ \- even if it was stupid, she'd still always wonder. It would be even worse than it is now because she'd be wandering and desperate and he wouldn't even _be_ here.

"Mochi?" She prods him in the arm. He sighs, like he was hoping she'd doze off again and forget the question, but he does answer: "I doubt we could. Not now." 

"No, you could. If, like, all the Kira stuff stopped, then... then people would stop thinking Kiyomi's so great. They'd be looking for someone to blame."

He doesn't answer this one. Maybe he thinks she's putting an act on, thinking _don't you support Kira?_ Misa sort of wants to say that it's one thing to support a god when they help you and punish someone who you just needed to know was dead, who just needed not to be in the world any more. But when it means that your boyfriend is going to be arrested if it all carries on... the task force have been working on the Kira case for _years,_ it's not like they're just going to be all _oh, fine, go ahead, kill criminals._ If... if Kiyomi, if something happened to her, or she was stopped and she couldn't get NHN to chase people any more, then the task force would want to arrest _someone._ Better Kiyomi than Raito.

"Do you have Kira's weapon with you?" she asks. "Or do Matsu and the others? Is that how that guy died?"

"No."

"Well, where is it, then?"

"Hidden. Back in Tokyo. Misa, I can't tell you anything about this. It's not safe."

Misa wants to kick him; she hunches herself away, digging her nails into her palms to make herself sound calm and cold as she says, "Then you should've left me at the Teito Hotel, shouldn't you?" She could die, Raito could die - heck, those NHN guys have guns, they aren't messing around - and now Mochi's just going to keep all the information to himself so she can carry on following him about and making an idiot of herself? "I'm trying to think here, Mochi. Things aren't... they aren't very good. You don't know what to do next, or else you wouldn't still be with me, you would've run off. So you might as well tell me stuff so we can work out what to do."

A pause, then, at last, very quietly, he says, "And if you worked out that the best thing for you to do was contact NHN and tell them everything you knew?"

"Oh, sure, yeah, and then let Kiyomi kill me right afterwards. Of course I will." She makes herself focus on that, on the threat from her love rival. That's an easy thing to worry about. "I'm not stupid, Mochi. I'm not going anywhere near NHN while she's still in the picture. But if they do catch us, then... if she thinks I don't know anything, she'll just kill me right away, won't she? If... if I made it sound like I knew stuff, then she'd hold off. And she'd let me talk to Raito. And I need..." She feels him sigh. "Listen, Mochi, I have to talk to him. I can't just... I have to..." No, no, she's not going to think about _he doesn't love you._ "I don't know, couldn't we get the weapon back and kill - I mean, threaten to kill Kiyomi with it unless she backs off?" 

"Not now," Mogi says. He shifts, turns to face her. He looks tired and worried and, naked, in the dim light, a lot less solid, like most of him isn't real. "Listen, Misa - Takada and Raito obviously don't think you're a threat right now, or they would have been hunting for you too. You're right that Takada might well try and get rid of you if she can. I... I understand you want to talk to Raito, but you can't do that right now, not when it's so dangerous for both of us."

"I _know_ -"

"I don't think Takada would believe us if we threatened her," Mogi carries on. "If we'd been willing to kill her with the - the weapon, we would have done it as soon as she started hunting us."

Yeah. Of course, the task force would feel bad about doing something like that. Misa feels kind of sorry for them, really. They're way too preoccupied with being sensible, doing the right thing. They don't really understand that sometimes you've just got to - to go for what you want -

"But _I_ didn't know about it, then," she says, and takes Mogi's hand, strokes his fingers. "She'd believe it if _I_ said I'd do it."

They stare at each other. She can feel herself sort-of smiling, like she isn't sure if this is a joke or not. She knows perfectly well, though, that she _isn't_ joking. It's kill or be killed, right? If she had this thing, whatever it is, in her hands, she would call Kiyomi and make her stop chasing Mochi and the others and then she would just kill her anyway. Anything else wouldn't be safe, and she knows Mochi could never do it himself.

"No," he says at last, and his hand tenses in hers before he eases it away. "And anyway, it gets you noticed by her. Not to mention, if they start looking for you, then you could easily lead them right to the notebook. We - we buried it, in a patch of woods - you might well be noticed, going somewhere like that."

At least that's something. Misa can drop a hint about it, try and convince Kiyomi she knows the exact location. If she needs to. If it comes to that. 

"Let's talk about stuff in the morning, then," she says. "Guess we should get some sleep for now."

She leans over and kisses Mochi again, trying to show that things are okay between them, that she forgives him for lying earlier. He made her happy and he likes her, and she's a little bit less frightened now. At first she thinks he's going to pull away, that he's having second thoughts about the whole thing, but then after a moment he goes with it, kisses her as gently as if he's the one who began it.

***

_Please_

_Just_

_If you can call_

Aizawa remembers that he didn't call Eriko. He runs with that thought for a while, and then he is remembering when they were dating, when one or the other of them would be having their conversation on a phone in public and she would tease him sometimes, try and make him say something romantic out loud. He thought he was annoyed with her about that, but, when she was angry with him spending so much time on the Kira case, when he called her from outside hotels on his mobile she would simply answer _yes, no, all right, I'll see you tomorrow_ and he'd stand amongst passers-by and feel... irritated, it was always irritation, but the sick, depressed kind where you knew you were irritated because you'd screwed up and didn't know how to fix it. 

He's reaching for his phone. The car is dark and he's reaching for his phone and turning it on and the screen glows up at him and he can't find her number, he is scrolling through the list but hers isn't showing up. Because she's dead. Because they found her and she's dead and they were just waiting for him to forget and they're waiting for him to call, they're going to _trace him_ \- 

And someone thumps on the window and he's too late, they've tracked him down - this has to be a dream, it has to, and _wake up,_ he's telling himself, _wake up_ \- and - 

He realises his eyes are open, realises he was asleep, and he isn't holding his phone, his hands are by his sides, and dawn has come - _dawn_ has come? - they were only supposed to stop for half an hour - and - but it was a dream, that's good, it was a -

There's a figure outside. 

Aizawa doesn't want to move, if he keeps still then maybe, maybe everything else will stay still and nothing will happen, but that's stupid and besides, the figure has already knocked again. Aizawa makes himself look round, but their opponent is hidden behind the water drops lining the window, just a shape -

Thinking about it afterwards he knows he should have scrambled into the driver's seat, started the car and got away as fast as he could but, but maybe he's still half-asleep, or he doesn't want to start the chase again, is sick of running... whatever it is, he's opening the window, the effort like trying to move through water.

"God, you guys really are morons."

It's not Raito, or any of the black-suited NHN guys. A skinny teenager, a foreigner, huddled in a fur-trimmed jacket, but - his face - the skin is waxy, chewed-up, and puffy and yet at the same time it seems to cling to the bones beneath, leaving the eyes wide and the mouth and nose actually slightly eaten away. 

"What the fuck are you staring at?" the guy demands, but Aizawa doesn't care, because standing next to him is - 

It's Hal Lidner.

"What..." He blinks, rubs his itching eyes. "Why are you here?"

"We came to find you," Lidner says. "It sounded like you could do with some help."

Aizawa glances back at Ide and Matsuda. They're fast asleep. Yeah. Yeah, they could all do with some help. All they've succeeded in doing is killing an innocent man and then falling asleep and _waiting_ to be hunted down - and god he is so _tired_ of all this, so tired of being nothing but a bit part in this stupid drama, of other people making decisions and him having to struggle against them without having any fucking clue what he's supposed to be doing.

"Where've you been?" he says to Lidner. "No one's seen you. Did you..."

"She was with me." The boy shoves his hands into his pockets. "I would say nice to meet you face-to-face, but it isn't, not right now."

The cold air's waking him up now, helping him put two and two together. "Mello." Better than the NHN bodyguards, but not by much. Aizawa realises he's sick of arrogant super-geniuses looking down on him, and he's _really_ sick of them shoving him into the firing line just to point-score off someone else. 

Mello looks at him like he knows exactly what's being thought. A thin smile: "Huh, maybe you're not such an idiot after all." The smile is the only thing that bears any resemblance to the drawing of him. Aizawa feels himself considering whether to take offence at the rudeness and deciding that right now, he doesn't have the energy. Mello's done quite enough to piss him off already ( _he saved all our lives,_ a small voice at the back of his head reminds him, _if it wasn't for him we'd have been dead five days ago,_ but he tries to ignore it, gratitude is the last thing he needs right now -) 

"What happened to your face?" he asks instead. His voice sounds woolly, dry.

"It's an occupational hazard when you get shut inside a truck that fortuitously catches on fire," Mello says. "And when you can't go through legal medical channels, you don't have any way of getting them to listen if you say _make me look like Brad Pitt._ Got any more stupid questions, or shall we get moving?"

"How did you find us?" Aizawa says. He expects Mello to say something like _it wasn't that difficult seeing as you'd fallen asleep in broad daylight,_ but the guy only shrugs and says, "I'm L's successor, I can do anything I want. Plus for some reason, when I asked around people seemed to think I was a Kira vigilante. It helped."

"Come with us," Lidner cuts in. "You need to get out of here, and they won't be looking for our vehicle."

"I... okay." Aizawa's sure he should be thinking more carefully about this, but everything feels too far away, like he's looking at it through a keyhole. Besides, if they don't go with Mello, what the hell are they going to do? The entire country's looking for them and if they keep running they're just going to screw up again like Matsuda did last night, they're out of options - 

He looks round at the other two. Ide's already stirring, rubbing his eyes, then roughly shaking Matsuda awake as he realises they've got company. 

"It's..." It probably _isn't_ okay, so Aizawa just says, "We're leaving. Mello's got transport and people will be looking out for this car, all right?"

"Mello?" 

"Look," Mello snaps, "I didn't _have_ to drive out to the back of beyond to hunt for lost police officers. If you guys could get a fucking _move on,_ that would be appreciated."

"I suppose it's our only choice by now." Ide opens the door, climbs out. "Come _on,_ Matsuda -"

Matsuda doesn't look at Mello or Lidner; he doesn't look at any of them. Aizawa can't decide whether that annoys him even more - Matsuda was the one who fucked up and now he's playing the victim? But then, perhaps it would be even more irritating if he were his usual chirpy self. At least he's not making pointless remarks every five minutes, he's just keeping quiet. Aizawa knows it's not fair; Matsuda isn't that bad and he's obviously horrified by what he's done. It's just that now, when everything is crowding in on him and he can't _think_ \- and Sato-san crying last night... she'll be blaming herself for not seeing through their story - she'll hate that she was kind to him - he grits his teeth, hoping that will make him stop thinking like this. He can't afford sympathy for a virtual stranger, not when he's in this much trouble - not when he doesn't even know where Eriko and the kids are -

The van - a bashed-about vehicle painted dark red - is parked some distance away, at the head of a line of tyre tracks in the frosty grass. Mello's already clambering into the driver's seat; Lidner opens up the back door. "It'll be a little cramped now," she says, "but we should all fit. By the way, where's Mogi?"

"Don't know," Aizawa says. "He stayed with Amane."

"Kira's girlfriend Amane?" Mello has taken out a silver-wrapped bar of chocolate and is tapping it absently against his teeth. "And he hasn't been dragged back to NHN yet? Still, she's a hell of a ditz, maybe she just doesn't watch the news."

"I don't know. We haven't heard anything from them."

"He told her Raito was being hunted too," Matsuda mumbles. "So she should run away."

"I didn't think he was the type to go off with a cute girl." Mello's letting his head slump to the side a little, as if he's bored already. Perhaps he is. Perhaps that's the problem, this sort of person gets bored and then they need to do something to amuse themselves and the next thing you know, hundreds of people are dead. It helps thinking of Mello - of others, like Raito and Near and L - as children, constantly whining for something else to occupy them. You can kid yourself you're the adult so you'll be the one to survive if it comes to a fight.

The inside of the van is dark and smells of antiseptic and dust. Like an empty medicine cabinet, Aizawa finds himself thinking. Lying at one side, dozing, wrapped in blankets and other people's coats, is the other SPK agent. Gevanni. And kneeling next to him is Teru Mikami. Ide hesitates; Matsuda swallows, shifts back a little.

"He's only a lawyer." Mello is watching them in the driver's mirror, grinning. "He won't bite."

Mikami looks up at them. His eyes are sunken, and so wide the whites are visible all the way round. He doesn't speak; he just watches them, gaze darting from one to another of them, as they sit down. His throat's still bandaged; as Aizawa notices this, Mikami reaches up, scratches absently at the covered wound. Lidner doesn't seem to be unnerved by him at all, though; she kneels down next to him, and, briskly, as if he's just a colleague, asks him, "How's Gevanni?" For a moment he just stares at her, then, all at once, he seems to understand what she said, and, jerkily, answers, "The same. Too hot still, I think." 

"What happened to him?" Matsuda blurts out. Gevanni's pale and the morning light glistens in his skin. 

"Takada's people caught up with him," Lidner says. "They shot him in the leg." As she says it, Aizawa notices the smell of blood.

"And... and the other guy," Ide says. "Your colleague -"

"We don't know what they've done to him either." Lidner's mouth tightens a little. "But it wouldn't surprise me if he's told them that you lot are the ones they should be looking for. Otherwise I'd have expected them to try and use him to... convince me and Gevanni to assist them."

Mello snorts. "Yeah, but that would involve intelligent thought, and Kira's lot seem to tend more towards the fanatical loyalty. Anyway, let's get moving."

"Where are we going?" Ide asks over the sudden roar of the engine.

"Back to Tokyo."

"Why?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must have missed the part where we had any resources or places to hide out here. And the bit where being here is of any damn use to us when Kira's back in Tokyo."

"Yes, along with Takada and all the resources of NHN and the NPA." Ide's scowling, but Aizawa's prepared to bet he's realised they don't have any choice in the matter. 

"You do realise," Mello says through a mouthful of chocolate, "the only way you've got a hope in hell of surviving all this is by getting rid of Kira. I mean, did that register?"

"Thank you, I had worked that out. I just said -"

"I know what you just said. Sorry to render your little road trip pointless, okay? Quite frankly, I'd rather have done this alone, but you were the ones who ran off with the notebook, so you're caught up in it now."

"We were caught up in it before," Matsuda says, voice rising a little.

"Huh. Barely."

Aizawa expects the dismissal - it's only a ruder version of Near's calm explanation on the phone before - but Ide and Matsuda obviously haven't had to put up with it once already: Ide's already snapping out, "Oh yes, while we were working with L and you were part of the Mafia and kidnapping innocent people?" and Matsuda is stammering, "You - you don't want to catch Kira, you just want to _win,_ that's what everyone always said about you -"

Mello leans round, eyes slitted, actually taking both hands off the wheel, and Ide yells at him "Watch the road for fuck's sake!" Mello does so, swinging back round casually, and Aizawa sees a flicker of a smile on his face in the driver's mirror. 

"We'll carry on the discussion when we reach Tokyo, all right?" he says. "You know, when we don't have psychotic Kira acolytes listening in."

Aizawa glances at Mikami, but the other man doesn't seem to notice he's been referred to. He's staring numbly ahead, hands still plucking at the dressings on his throat. Ide nods, grudgingly; Matsuda huddles back into the corner, gazing at the floor.

"Sounds fair enough," Aizawa says at last.

Mello doesn't answer, just takes another bite of chocolate; Lidner sighs, rests her head against the side of the van. After a while, Mello flicks on the radio. First a few songs echo through the silence; then, a bit later, the news. Aizawa finds himself tensing, trying to prepare himself for some other piece of bad news delivered in Takada's cut-glass and just-so-slightly-smug tones. If she _did_ make further threats against his family - that Kira would kill them, unless - 

He grits his teeth. There's no point in thinking about it. He doesn't _know_ what he'd do - and, considering he's now travelling with Mello, who seems to see family ties only as something which can be used to get people to do what you want, he doesn't think he'd have much of an opportunity to do anything anyway. Which is not much comfort, but is probably all he's going to get at the moment.


	9. Derelict

Mogi feels like he lay awake for hours, his mind ricocheting between _that was amazing_ and _what the hell was I thinking?_ As the night wore on the edges of the thoughts were rubbed off. He was able to stop noticing them and feel instead how Misa slept half-twined round him, breath soft on his throat, and how there was _someone else_ in the dark at least. That even if outside the situation was disastrous, he wasn't facing it alone. Somehow, in all of that, the night faded, and now grey light is oozing through the curtains. Mogi is well aware that they need to get up and get moving, and with that realisation there's nothing stopping him from thinking.

Their photographs on TV, and Takada's smug smile. Misa screaming at him and the crashes as she kicked the furniture over. The phone lying off the hook. The long horrible walk in the pitch black with only passing cars to light their way. And then - on the news, what they said about the other three killing someone - 

It could be a lie, of course. NHN propaganda. But why only start that now? And it was specific. A name. A location. A plausible situation. If they were staying in a family-run hotel when the photographs were released, they'd be recognised immediately. And someone would panic...

The chances of them getting out of this alive are looking smaller and smaller every hour, never mind day. The chances of managing to keep the notebook away from Raito are shrinking pretty fast, as well. The world seems happy to go along with the persecution, and giving up, giving in, won't save them. Mogi is listing the facts in his head because sometimes putting things into words makes them less terrifying, but this time it isn't working. It didn't work last night, either.

Which is why he responded to Misa in the way that he did. Because he was scared and tired and he liked her and he really wanted to stop thinking for a bit. He suspects it was the same for her - or, possibly it was to get back at Raito for making her doubt him. (Mogi is almost sure that it's only doubt, that she'd go back to Raito like a shot if the opportunity presented itself.) 

He didn't threaten her into it, or deliberately play on her sadness, and he _asked_ her, he asked her if she was sure, and it wasn't as if there was anything more productive he could have done, but he still feels as ashamed now as if someone's walked into the room and caught them in bed together. She's almost certainly - well, _was_ almost certainly - the Second Kira. Did that not count for anything last night?

He'd tried to keep it in mind, right up until he turned away from her the first time and then saw how hurt she looked. Then he'd deliberately stopped thinking about it.

No, being aware of your thoughts doesn't make them any easier to look at, especially not the morning after.

He sits up, looks around for the TV remote. Better see if Fuyumi did make a call last night. It might not even have been her. He could have been spotted by someone else - perhaps when walking along the road, or earlier, on the train. If they're closing in even now, he has to face it. He'd at least like to get dressed. (That's another way of pretending that things aren't so bad; making small, stupid plans for what you'll do if the worst has happened. Like that will actually help.)

As he puts the TV on, Misa is already rolling over, pushing her hair out of her face. She sits up too, glances at him quickly and then turns her face away. She looks pale, tired, drained of all the determination and questions of last night. No doubt she'll think this was a mistake. Which it _was_ , but Mogi can't stop the more unworthy side of his mind wishing that - that maybe she -

She scrambles out of bed, goes into the bathroom. When she comes back, she does give him a shaky smile, but he's too distracted by the sight of her standing in almost-daylight, naked - and not just that he can see all of her but that she's unconcerned about it, isn't moving to hide herself or shriek at him. The weirdness of the situation hits him afresh - did this really happen last night? _How_ did it happen? What was he thinking? - but he manages to turn his head away, stop staring at her. She doesn't seem to care, though; she pauses to kick one of her boots out of the way, and then scrambles back into bed, hugging her knees to her chest.

He doesn't want to talk to her - right now he's not sure he wants to talk again ever - but he makes himself say, "Are you all right?" But at that moment the news starts. She tenses, leans forward a little. 

But nothing's changed. So far, nothing's changed. All right, that doesn't mean things are good, but - Fuyumi definitely hasn't told on them, at least. They're getting away with it. Hour by hour, day by day. The fact that the amount of time they remain uncaptured really doesn't mean anything is something Mogi is choosing to ignore right now.

He asks his question again - more gently, this time, he can hear the faint optimism in his voice. 

Misa looks round at him. She moves slowly, and when he sees her face, he feels like he's been hit in the chest. She's dead white, but her expression is blank, her eyes very dark. She stares at him and she says, "If Raito doesn't even..." Picks at the edge of the sheet, starts folding it into pleats. "If..." Her grip tightens and then she huddles over, gasping for breath like she's crying. "Oh, god..."

"Misa -" He's reached out to her before he can think, to hold her shoulders, pull her close. She feels very slight against him and as he touches her, she shudders. He thinks she's trying to shake him off but then the next moment she's grabbed his hand in both of hers, and she strokes his fingers.

"Raito would be furious if he knew." She looks up at him and all at once the real Misa is back, face sparkling with wistfulness and determination. "I wouldn't do it if things were okay... but they're not, are they?"

All Mogi can do is shake his head. Misa kneels up, pulls him down to kiss her. It's still a shock, her mouth on his, her hands - it still leaves him hyper-aware, fascinated and surprised and, yes, completely able to forget that he is kissing the former Second Kira. That thought does bump up against his consciousness, but he deliberately pushes it away again. It's several seconds later that he makes himself move away, whispers that they need to move on. Misa laughs: "Before the rest of the world wakes up, huh, Mochi?" and when they leave she slides her fingers through his, as if both of them are more than happy with the situation.

***

Seeing where they're going involves kneeling up, looking out of the front window - or asking Mello, but funnily enough none of them do that. For most of the journey, Ide doesn't even bother with the looking out. He doesn't want to see a sign he remembers passing, or a junction he remembers taking another route on - he's in a bad enough mood already. Was it not enough that they had to work with one arrogant murderer for five years without now having to throw their lot in with another? All right, all _right,_ he knows they really don't have a choice, but that hardly makes him feel any better.

By now they're driving through Tokyo's outer wards; it's been dark for hours, but there are lights all around them which rush over the van and slide across its floor. The darkness - or the return to the city - seems to have got to everyone: Lidner and Aizawa, who've been talking quietly for most of the journey, have gone quiet; Mello hasn't spoken for ages (the last thing he said was something about how it looks like severe facial scarring counts as a new face when it comes to the notebook, and isn't it nice to know that's an option); and Matsuda, Mikami and Gevanni have all stayed as silent as they were this morning. Ide doesn't particularly care about Mikami's conversational skills, but he's been horribly aware of Matsuda's silence all day. Of course it's understandable, the man has done something awful, he must be still in shock, but... Ide keeps thinking of their conversation last night, of how Matsuda had pulled himself away and curled up at the other side of the car like Ide had actually _said_ something like _this is all your fault and no one is ever going to forget it._ He hadn't said that, hadn't even thought it, but that didn't seem to matter. 

Not that that makes him feel any prouder of how he's been acting. The reason he hadn't even thought it was that he'd been too busy sticking his tongue down Matsuda's throat, what would a little detail like murder matter when he could be getting himself off? He doesn't _want_ to be angry with Matsuda, he _isn't_ angry with him - it's Raito and Takada and NHN and everyone who's buying into this vigilante bullshit, Matsuda would never have done something so horrendous under normal circumstances - but it would be nice to know you'd arrived at this conclusion through rational thinking, because you're a responsible adult who can keep your emotions in check, an NPA official who can view crime dispassionately, rather than some sex-crazed lunatic -

The van keeps moving, first down central motorways, then through lit-up main streets and then, eventually, down darker roads; the light across the floor vanishes. Eventually, it jerks to a halt, and Mello looks round at them, face hidden in shadow. "Okay, we're here. Keep your voices down, anyone could be out there."

"Comforting thought," Aizawa mutters.

It was cold enough inside the van but it's even worse outside; the air feels like it's trying to crush them. Ide wraps his jacket round himself more closely and watches as Matsuda scrambles out of the van, listlessly, as if he's only half-awake. He finds himself moving a little closer, like he's going to start a conversation, like this is anything _close_ to the right time to do that. 

Mello waits until Lidner and Aizawa, supporting a pale, shivering Gevanni, have made their way out, and then starts to cross the forecourt. It looks like they're in some kind of industrial estate; warehouses and storage units block out the orange-stained sky, and Ide can feel concrete - and cracks lined with weeds - under his feet. He wonders if the Yellow Box warehouse is anywhere nearby. Mello would probably think it was quite funny to have his hideout so close to the scene of the climactic showdown. 

Then Mello turns sharply left and all at once he's unlocking a door. The creaks and clatters echo into the night, and Ide wonders if someone is watching them - homeless people sheltering, or heck, maybe someone who knows who they are, someone who's been tracking them. God, he doesn't want to be back in Tokyo. Not least because the stupid part of his mind is trying to convince him that everything's fine now that they're back, that he can relax and go home and go to sleep...

They follow Mello inside a dark, narrow corridor, up a flight of stairs, and finally into a room lit by one bare light bulb. In the dim glow Ide can just make out two battered couches, and a low table with several bars of chocolate scattered across it, plus a sticker-covered laptop. He remembers the base they stormed back in America. That was an abandoned hospital or something, wasn't it? Grimy white tiles and carved stone. It had felt, at the time, like something not quite real, like a game, or some kind of training exercise. This doesn't really feel real either. Or at any rate, it feels like Mello's reality, and that none of the rest of them are meant to be here. 

Lidner is helping Gevanni over to one of the couches. He looks even paler now than he did before, gripping her arm as she helps him sit down.

"He's burning up," Aizawa says. "We can't just leave him like this."

"What do you want me to do," Mello says, "call a doctor?" 

"What are we going to do otherwise?"

"I don't know yet." Mello stares at him, eyes wide, burnt face oddly blank. "Okay? And you don't either, otherwise you wouldn't be giving me grief like this."

"Look, I didn't mean -"

Mello shrugs, cuts him off: "Hal, we've got some aspirin or some shit like that around, right? And get him to eat something, that'll help at least. You -" He points at Matsuda, who blinks. "There's some blankets in the far corner, go grab one for him."

Ide goes to lean against the wall - it's cold and grimy, but he's pretty sure if he gets out of this he won't ever want to wear these clothes again - and watches as the shadowy figures in front of him hurry to and fro. Mello stands still as well, a skinny figure standing with a bar of chocolate held to its mouth. Ide wonders if he ever eats anything else. Matsuda has come back with a blanket, is nervously laying it over Gevanni's legs, and then he's talking to him, hesitant but with the edge of pointless optimism he always used to bring into discussions, and helping him drink some water. 

"Hal," Mello calls, "you and one of the other two get Mikami out of here and make sure he can't run off." 

Ide had almost forgotten about Mikami - he glances over at the man now, who is standing still, arms wrapped round himself, nails digging into his skin. He didn't stop watching any of them the entire journey and he hasn't stopped now. Ide wonders if he still remembers all their names. 

Lidner is walking over to Mikami, but as she reaches out to him he jerks away from her. "Stop it!"

"Mikami-san -"

"There was a truce." Mikami's voice is raspy and faint - it hurts your throat if you listen to it for too long. "There was a _truce._ Gevanni-san said -"

"I know," Lidner says. "I know, and that's still on, but the rest of us don't know you. Besides - you look exhausted. You need a rest."

"He said I could walk away if I had to!" 

A snort of laughter from Mello. "You really think any of us are going to get to walk away? You're even more delusional than you look."

"Stop it, Mello," Lidner snaps; Mikami stumbles back, eyes huge, voice cracking, "Leave me alone - _leave me alone_ -"

"Oh, give it a rest. How many is it you killed? One hundred and thirty a day or something?" Mello stands up, so quickly that in the darkness it seems to happen instantaneously, and there's a gun in his hand, levelled at Mikami's face. Everything seems to go very quiet, and Ide remembers afresh who exactly their benefactor is, and what he's done.

"S... stop it." That's Gevanni, voice very faint. Mikami's head snaps round and he starts gulping _you promised you promised you promised_ -

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Mello doesn't lower the gun. "You know, it beats me why you're suddenly his biggest fan."

Gevanni goes quiet, draws a shaky breath. "It wasn't anything to do with him," he says, and Ide wonders what he's on about, but Mello shrugs, cuts in, "Bullshit. How many was it, do you remember?" Gevanni blinks, and Mello carries on, "How many names, you idiot. How many names did you have to copy down again? I'm just, y'know, wondering why that isn't bothering you more."

"Stop it," Lidner says again, and Matsuda: "He's _ill,_ leave him alone -"

"That's not the point," Gevanni whispers. "He's... he's right. We... we made a deal, okay? Just..."

Mikami's head snaps round as he turns to look at Mello again. For a moment they both stare at each other, then Mello smiles - well, that's one way of describing it - and says, more quietly, "Yeah, I bet you'd just love me to do it, wouldn't you? Going out in a blaze of glory defying your god's biggest enemy."

Mikami wrenches out the words: "I'm not scared of you."

"Oh yeah?"

Ide's wondering if he should say something and a small unworthy part of his mind is reflecting that he's not particularly concerned either with Mikami or Mello's fates right now, but then Lidner - who, presumably gives a damn about Mello at least - says, firmly, calmly, "Mikami-san - Gevanni trusts you. Mello doesn't know you except as an ally of Kira; he can't trust you not to break the truce. Things have to be like this right now." 

Mikami doesn't seem to hear her, carries on staring at Mello, but when she gently leads him forward, he goes with her, and out of the room, Mello following both of them. Gevanni's brief moment of energy seems to flicker out; he slumps lower on the couch, eyes closing again. 

"Nice to know some people don't change," Ide says at last, finding his heart rate slowing back to normal.

"He's all we've got and you know it." Aizawa has sunk down onto one of the other sofas; addresses his words to the floor. 

"He could get us all killed. He almost _has_ got us all killed once already." He doesn't say _he killed the Chief,_ but he bets all of them are thinking it.

"Yeah, well, most of the country want us dead by now. We don't exactly have many options left." He glances over at Matsuda as he speaks, and the other man hunches over a bit, not looking at them.

The door slams; Mello and Lidner are back. In the dull light they look oddly similar; thin, blonde, composed, walking in step. Ide finds himself wondering if there's anything more between them. Matsuda will certainly think so. But neither of them seem like they're interested in anything like _that_ , anything so... frivolous. Perhaps, if there's something, it's the same sort of thing that he and Matsuda have had. Something confused that doesn't really count. And for goodness sake, why is he thinking like this anyway? Just because Matsuda isn't happily talking rubbish doesn't mean he needs to start filling the void. 

"Mikami is in one of the other rooms," Lidner says.

"Is he still - uh - upset?" Aizawa asks.

"He cooled off a bit." Mello shrugs, sprawls down on the couch with his feet on the table. Ide can just see the gun in a holster at his waist. 

"Now are you going to tell us what you're planning?" Aizawa says to him, abruptly.

"Bringing you Kira's head on a plate has a nice ring to it." Aizawa glares at him, and he rolls his eyes. "Okay. What did you lot do with the notebook?"

Ide feels Aizawa glance at him; he keeps his own gaze blank as Aizawa swallows and says, "It's buried. In a patch of woodland some way out of the city."

" _What._ "

"It's not a place that's connected to any of us, and it's not as if it's right in the middle of a kids' playground." Aizawa's voice is growing truculent. "I'm sorry if it doesn't meet your exacting standards, but we were in a hurry."

"Let's sincerely hope," Mello said, "that no one remembered seeing you there and has gone digging. Or that some tramp or bored kid or extremely persistent squirrel hasn't dug it up. God, no wonder it took five years to -"

"On the other hand," Lidner says, sharply, "clearly Kira hasn't tracked it down, or else we _would_ all be dead. If it's in woodland, they won't have been caught on CCTV, and in winter there are going to be fewer people in that kind of place anyway." 

Mello scowls, but he slumps down a bit, takes another bite of chocolate. Ide wonders again why he's so tolerant of Lidner calling him on things. Mello _killed_ most of the SPK, didn't he? Why would he have any respect for this woman? 

"Okay." Mello swallows his latest mouthful. "I reckon we need to have a little chat with Kira."

A pause, then, "Why exactly?" Aizawa says. Matsuda's eyes have widened.

"Because we've got the notebook, and he knows it. Look -" He sits up, impatiently. "He has three options, doesn't he? Firstly, he can find the notebook himself, but like Lidner's pointed out, that might draw attention to it - and it isn't like he knows you haven't got it on you. Huh, wish you did... that'd solve all our problems."

It feels like the air in the room is very thin and cold suddenly. Ide doesn't move, doesn't react, there is no way Mello is going to know about the sheet of paper, no way he can figure it out... Matsuda's looking over at him. Ide grits his teeth, _keep your mouth shut, you idiot, don't you understand, he's a lunatic, if we tell him he'll just -_

"So," Mello is carrying on, "he's been trying to take the second option. Figuring he'll find you lot and convince you to tell him where it is. Now that that hasn't worked so far, he might decide he can hurt your loved ones or whatever and see if that'll convince you -"

Aizawa's breathing catches a little. Ide doesn't look at him. 

"But at the moment, he'd have to use the news to let you know about that, and he probably figures doing any more than he's done already is too much of a risk, at least when it comes to his image. And he's probably pissed off enough not to give up on tracking you down anyway."

"What's the third option?" Aizawa says.

"He and you come to a mutually convenient arrangement."

"I... don't see how that's possible."

"Well, no, you wouldn't," Mello says, rolling his eyes, "seeing as imagination's never been your strong point. But I bet you're probably also sick of running away from him. So why don't you take the initiative for once?" 

"Go on," Ide says slowly. It's probably be stupid to fall for this, it'll be some lunatic plan that can't possibly work, but the idea of their every move _not_ being dictated by Raito is a hopeful one.

"He wants the notebook," Mello says. "There's stuff you lot want too. You - Aizawa - they've got your family. Hal, you'll want them to let Rester go. You all want to stop being hounded by NHN. You want your lives back, he wants to carry on being Kira. So, we get in touch with him, offer him that deal."

"And... then we give him the notebook and he kills us with it?" Aizawa says.

"Funnily enough, no. Look... we all know he's Kira. He's proved it. That particular race is over. I bet Near was banging on about proof to you all... well, we've _got_ that. Now we just want to get rid of the bastard."

"Near had already made arrangements," Lidner says. "For having him imprisoned." She glances at Mello, then at the others. "We don't have to kill him -"

"We _should_ kill him," Mello says, "but I get this feeling you lot will argue about that, and we don't have time to debate it."

Aizawa leans forward a little. "You're saying we tell him we'll give him the notebook, arrange a place to hand it over, and then instead of doing that we simply take him prisoner -"

"Arrest him," Matsuda cuts in.

"And then - what, that's the end of it?"

"I'm saying we ask him to get his girlfriend to state that you lot are innocent," Mello says. "Get him to let Rester and your family go. All in exchange for the notebook."

"But we won't actually give it to him," Matsuda says.

"He won't believe us," says Aizawa.

"Of course he bloody won't. He knows we're going to try and screw him over and he's going to try and screw us over in return. The key is to be the one who anticipates the other's moves most correctly."

"What... what do you think he's going to try and do to us?" Matsuda asks.

"If he gets his hands on the notebook, all your names are going into it. That's the main goal, all of us ending up dead. But he must know there's a risk we won't give him the notebook. The idea is that we get as much out of him as we can before he puts some plan of his own into action."

"And... if we don't anticipate his moves?" Ide asks the question already knowing the answer.

Mello shrugs and smiles that thin lipless smile again. "Then we'll all be dead, so it doesn't matter. Anyway, I think we're going to need _him._ " He hooks a thumb at Gevanni. "So you lot can sleep on it and decide that I'm right, and I'll make some calls and take steps to stop him dying in the night."

"What - where are you going to go?" 

"Out," Mello says. "If all goes to plan, I'll be back in a couple of hours with some hard stuff to fix him with. If it doesn't go to plan, you'll probably hear on the news tomorrow morning, so keep the radio on. Hal, find our houseguests somewhere to crash where they're not going to get in the way."

It feels a little like some kind of school trip, Ide reflects later. Sleeping on the floor under unfamiliar blankets, the sound of other people breathing, the room being too large to sleep in. Aizawa and Gevanni are sleeping on the sofas; he and Matsuda are lying on battered futons some distance away. There's one portable heater in the room, but even so it's too cold. It's cold and this night seems to have gone on for ages and outside of this building, everyone in the country thinks they ought to be killed. 

There shouldn't be any need to talk to Matsuda. And what would he say, anyway? _I don't hate you,_ like it makes any difference what he thinks, like it'll help in the slightest. Why the hell is he feeling like he ought to help anyway? He doesn't owe Matsuda anything - the intimacy was just because they were scared and tired and because he himself was angry enough that he didn't see why he should _not_ do something that made him feel good. But he can't shake the feeling that what they've done together should give him some edge, a way to make things better. If you're going to feel someone gasping and shaking against you and reach up under their clothes and make them gasp even more, it seems pathetic that you don't know what to say to them when they're miserable. He managed to make Matsuda happy when it was just about physical stuff. He liked that. And of course no one is going to be able to make Matsuda happy at the moment but Ide still wants to. 

But it isn't just that Matsuda is _miserable,_ is it? He's killed someone. Ide remembers him firing shot after shot at Raito back in the warehouse. There's a difference between being an idiot and being unable to control your temper to the extent that you try to kill people. _But it's not fair,_ he persists anyway, _it's not his fault, it's Raito's..._ Is it just because he wants to be able to feel good without any guilt? Does he want to argue that there's no crime to pardon and so if he _does_ do anything else with Matsuda the death won't matter? Isn't it a little arrogant, anyway, to assume that him choosing to carry on like that will make Matsuda feel magically better, that giving or withholding it makes the difference between acceptance and condemnation? 

In the end he's so tired of the thinking that he whispers Matsuda's name anyway, just to make a choice. He thought the other man was still awake - could hear him sighing, shifting position every so often - but when he speaks there isn't any answer, so perhaps he was mistaken. 

They're all awake before dawn that morning. In the darkness they wash in cold water, shave in a dusty mirror above a row of cracked sinks, eat a breakfast of pre-packaged snack foods with no taste. There's black coffee, as well; Ide lingers over his, wrapping his hands round the chipped mug. He fell asleep more quickly than he'd thought he would; evidently drained enough by the last few days' events that even the stress of them couldn't keep him awake. Now he feels more awake, able to think properly, but the situation doesn't look any better. 

Matsuda doesn't look like he slept at all. The shadows under his eyes are deeper, and his attention seems to constantly wander off the others, over to dusty corners or to the boarded-up windows.

Lidner can't have had much sleep either, but although she looks washed-out, the shadows under her eyes darker than the actual colour of them, she's still got that air of calm about her. Ide wonders how the hell she manages it. He doesn't think he's ever met such an unflappable woman before. 

"Mello got back all right, then?" he asks her at last.

She nods. "I imagine the theft will get detected eventually, but hopefully by the time it does this will all be over, one way or another. He didn't go and hold up a hospital himself - he's just made a few useful connections, that's all. And there's no reason to connect it to the three of you, which is what Mello wants." He must have frowned, because she says, shrugging, "He wants Kira to think that you three aren't with him. If he knows Gevanni and I are, that doesn't matter so much. So even if he did work out that we were involved with the theft, and why we wanted the antibiotics, it wouldn't screw things up." 

Ide wonders if he's tireder than he thought, abandons the attempt to second-guess Mello's twisted thought processes, and glances over at Gevanni. He's asleep right now, but he looks less feverish, and his breathing's steadier.

Mello saunters in when they've finished eating, obligatory chocolate in hand. He moves like he hasn't noticed them, or at any rate isn't interested enough to acknowledge their presence; just walks over to the far window, where there's a crack in the boards, and stands staring out.

"I've worked it out, anyway," he says at last.

"What... how to defeat Raito?" Aizawa asks.

"No. The fucking sudoku." Irritated shrug. "Of course how to defeat Kira."

Mello sounds more listless than he did last night - perhaps he's tired too - but Ide doesn't see why they need to waste time rising to his rude remarks. "Well? Are you going to tell us or not?"

Another shrug. He looks round at them, the dawn light from the gaps behind him outlining his head. "One of you lot will call him. Go on about how you can't take this any more, you're scared, you just want this to be over. Whatever you need to say to be convincing. You'll arrange to swap the notebook for your innocence and for Rester, as we agreed - and see if you can get him to let Aizawa's wife and kids go too, though I doubt you'll get that. You'll ask for your terms to be met first and then for, say, a week to pass in order for him to stick to them. After that time passes, you'll meet him somewhere, and hand him over the notebook."

"This sounds exactly what you proposed last night," Ide says.

"The notebook," Mello says, voice still flat and tired but gaining speed now, "won't be the notebook. We'll put together another fake, swap it for the one you buried. Then we make sure Kira knows where it is. Once he knows, he's not going to waste time honouring your agreement, which he knows you're going to double-cross him on anyway. He'll go straight there, and he'll probably go on his own, so there aren't any witnesses to the source of Kira's power."

"He'll... he'll steal the fake," Matsuda says. "He'll want to steal it and write down our names."

"And we'll be there waiting for him," Mello says. "Grab him, lock him up wherever Near was planning to. Hell, if he wasn't going to go himself to the original trade - he might be going to send Takada - we even give them the fake. Whatever, that's him taken off the board."

There's silence for a second. Spelt out so calmly, it almost sounds as if it's that easy to bring all this to an end. Ide glances at the other two. Aizawa is frowning; Matsuda is staring at the floor.

"How are we going to get the information to Raito about where the notebook's hidden?" Aizawa says after a few minutes.

"I was thinking Mikami. If he escapes and spills the beans, that doesn't exactly look implausible, does it?"

"He seems a little... unpredictable."

Mello glances over at Gevanni. "He seems to listen to _him,_ though. Assuming those drugs work, he can use Mikami... either talk him into helping us or break off all ties with him and push him back onto Kira's side." He smiles suddenly. "Not to mention Gevanni's got the most experience in forging killer stationery, so he better be feeling better when he wakes up."

"Who's... who's going to call Raito?" Matsuda says, very quietly.

Mello shrugs. "One of you three. Be good if he thinks you lot are still on your own, you know? Other than that, I don't care. Whoever's the best liar and the one Kira's most likely to buy the story from."

"He knows I thought Kira was..." Matsuda swallows. "I could tell him I thought it was for the best."

"No," Aizawa says flatly. "You're in no state to talk to him at the moment. And besides, we're all supposed to want to be giving the notebook up."

"Then it should be you who does it," Ide says. "You probably would if... if we were going through with this. And you know him better than I do." Not to mention Aizawa is probably going to be slightly better at lying to Raito. Ide can't be sure his own disdain for the other man wouldn't show through in his voice.

"I... I don't mind," Aizawa says; then, glancing at Mello: "When are we going to make the call?"

"As soon as possible. Now, if you're ready for it."

Aizawa glances round at them; after a few seconds, he nods. "That's fine with me."

Mello shrugs. "Good. I'll get a phone. Hal, help me set up the line."

As the door closes behind them, Ide says, trying to keep his voice low, "You think this is the best idea?"

"What other choice have we got?"

"I suppose you're right." He doesn't say that it seems far too much like the scene in the warehouse to him; someone else who just wants to defeat Raito using the three of them as instruments. But then, like Mello said, it isn't like any of them are going to get to walk away from this if they lose. And at least with this plan it's something other than waiting to be found, and it _feels_ like it might be successful. Maybe just because Mello's arrogant enough. 

Mello walks back in, Lidner following, and over to the coffee table. Clearing a space among the bars of chocolate and coffee mugs, he puts down a battered, brightly coloured mobile phone connected to a tangle of wires and what looks like a small speaker. "This way we can all hear him. Wouldn't want you to be having to make the decisions all on your own."

"What... what if he's still in hospital?" Matsuda says. "They don't... if Aizawa's gonna call his phone..."

"I don't reckon he will be," Mello says. "He's too pissed off with us. But if he is, we can call NHN. Takada's bound to be on the alert for us getting in touch. This line's untraceable, so it won't be a problem."

"One of us will have to get the number -" Aizawa begins.

"I know it." Matsuda still doesn't look at them; twists his fingers together. Ide just manages to stop himself asking why Matsuda might have memorised Raito's mobile number. No one else says anything either; Aizawa just holds out the phone, and Matsuda dials. 

One ring. Two. Three. Ide is just starting to think that maybe they've built themselves up for nothing when there's a click and then Raito, sounding as, as _normal_ and young and professional as he always does: "Hello?"

"Raito. It's Aizawa."

An ever-so-slight intake of breath, and then, more quietly, Raito says, "How nice to hear from you, Aizawa-san. How can I help you?"

Mello smiles; Matsuda's gone pale.

"I think you know how you can help us," Aizawa says. "Don't... don't you think this has gone on long enough?"

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you stole my property." Raito's voice is very light; the voice of someone who's so sure they're in the right that they don't even need to argue about it.

"Before we took possession of the weapon you'd been using to murder thousands, you mean?" 

"You're no longer part of the NPA." Raito's voice is soothing, now, patronising. "You don't have any authorisation to do what you did. And when it comes to simple numbers, no one's on your side, did you notice? The country thinks you deserve to die."

Aizawa swallows, remains silent. His eyes meet Mello's for a second.

"Why did you call me?" Raito continues.

"I wanted..." Aizawa pauses for a second, then: "Things can't - things can't go on like this."

"For you, no." A grin in Raito's voice. "Everyone knows your names and faces now, Aizawa-san. The NPA are interested now that someone's been murdered. Everyone wants Kira to succeed. You've _lost,_ don't you see?" Aizawa doesn't answer, and Raito carries on, his voice on the speaker crackling as he gets louder: "Of _course_ you've lost. It's not about proof any more. That died when Near did! Near died and now the world belongs to Kira. Why don't you just admit the truth?"

"For god's sake!" Aizawa snaps it, and he's gone pale now, gritting his teeth. "I didn't call to listen to you boast. I called because - we can't..." 

"Go on."

"We can't do this," Aizawa says, wrenching the words out as if he really is giving up. "People are... I know what you say about the world is true, I've seen it. And we don't... we don't want to die."

"You should have thought of that before you defied Kira."

Ide shivers. He knows now that Raito fully intended them all to die in that warehouse, but the knowledge that he lied to them so much, for so long, is still like a cold hand on the back of your neck. The other two look like they'd agree with him; meanwhile, Mello's rolling his eyes. Lidner's face is set, blank, but her hands in her lap are tensed. 

"Seriously, Aizawa-san," Raito carries on, sounding regretful now, like a reasonable boss, "what do you expect me to do?"

"If... if we give you the notebook..." Aizawa glances round the room at them all, breathes out slowly. "No. If - if NHN stops encouraging people to hunt for us - if it retracts its statements - withdraws all accusations - _then_ we'll give you the notebook."

An incredulous intake of breath. "You're trying to _bargain_ with me? How stupid are you? I could have you all killed right now if I wanted to!"

"Except that then you still wouldn't have the notebook," Aizawa says. "And people are already wondering why Kira can't just kill four people whose names and faces he already knows. How long will your worshippers hang around once you stop killing people they don't like?" Raito is silent; Mello grins, and Aizawa carries on, "People only think you're a _god_ because of all the deaths. It's not anything to do with your charming personality -"

"You want to give up," Raito cuts in. "You worked _so hard_ on this case for so long and now you realise you have to give up. And you're trying to set terms in order to make yourself feel better."

"If you don't _want_ the notebook back," Aizawa says, "then just say so. I'd hate to waste your time."

"Oh, don't lose your temper again. I'm just surprised, that's all!" His voice rises; Ide wonders if he's actually been drinking, or is hyped up on extra-strength painkillers or something. _Or maybe he is just insane._ "I'm just wondering what the catch is. Why you and the others are suddenly rejecting the chance to be _heroes._ "

"I never wanted to be a hero," Aizawa says flatly. "I just wanted to catch the killer. Well... that's clearly not going to happen now. What else can we do? We thought if we negotiated with you, you might not..."

"I might not kill you? But you told L _so many times_ that you were prepared to risk your lives." 

Mello is mouthing something; _he's not buying it._ Aizawa glances quickly at him, then at the rest of them, and, slowly, he says, "You know it... it's not just about us..." His voice trails off again. His hands are shaking slightly, and then he closes his eyes as Raito suddenly says, "Oh, of course. Do excuse me, Aizawa-san; I've been a little unwell lately. All right, let's discuss this. You'll return the notebook to me, and I'll let your family live."

"You will have NHN withdraw _all_ accusations," Aizawa says through gritted teeth. "You'll make it quite clear that we've done nothing wrong and it was a publicity stunt. And you will bring all three of them back from where you've taken them and you will _let them go._ In secret. I'm not having them hurt by lunatic vigilantes."

"Do you really think that will help?" Raito says, sounding concerned. 

"If it doesn't, we'll burn the damn thing ourselves. Would you like that, Raito? All your godlike powers going up in smoke? Kiyomi Takada and her lot listen to you. You _sort this out._ "

On the other end of the line there is a cold silence before Raito carries on, "I'll speak to Takada."

"And you'll release the man you took prisoner at the hospital."

"Oh?" Raito laughs. "Do the SPK know about your plans to defect, then? Or is this a task force-only affair?"

"He doesn't know anything, all right? He did nothing wrong and you've got no right to be keeping him in custody! And if you weren't dead to any sense of morality you'd have let him go to begin with."

He draws a shaky breath, and carries on,"Then - then when you've done all of those things, we'll meet you." He sounds awkward now, too loud. "We'll meet you and we'll give you the notebook."

"That sounds like a reasonable suggestion," Raito says. "Of course, if you don't turn up at the assigned time, all deals are off, including the protection your family would otherwise enjoy."

"I... I understand that."

"And you also understand..." Raito's voice is growing soft again. "It sounds like from what I've heard that Matsuda-san has behaved unfortunately. While I can have the world pardon you for your theft, murder is a different matter altogether."

Matsuda goes so white that Ide wonders if he is actually going to faint; the colour seems to flow away even from his mouth. Ide wants to shake him. _Why the hell are you letting **him** make you feel guilty? Of all people?_ But Aizawa is already glancing away, saying, "That's a matter for the police, isn't it?" Ide grits his teeth, trying to keep his face blank, but wondering why Aizawa has to be scared enough of confrontation that he doesn't call Raito on his staggering hypocrisy.

"I just want you to understand that it may not be possible to extend protection given to you to Matsuda," Raito is saying. There's no point in me making promises I can't keep."

Matsuda slumps, not looking at anyone, as if he actually was depending on any help Raito would give him. Ide wants to tell him to pull himself together - even if Raito can't see them, it still feels dangerous to let him get to them like this.

"That's funny, it never stopped you before," says Aizawa. "You - NHN retracts _all_ accusations against us, do you understand? What the police decide to do is their own affair."

"I'll do my best," Raito says, not sounding very sincere. "Would you like to make arrangements for our meeting? I don't even know where you are at the moment."

Mello is already scribbling something on the back of a chocolate wrapper, sliding it towards Aizawa, who glances at it and then says, "We could... there's always the Yellow Box warehouse. Near still owns that. You don't want any passers-by getting involved with this, do you?"

"How unimaginative," Raito says. "But all right."

"Say... a week from whenever NHN makes its retraction," Aizawa says, glancing at Mello, who nods. 

"That sounds reasonable. I'll bring Rester-san with me when we meet, shall I? We can trade him for the notebook. As for your family... well, I doubt you want _them_ brought to the handover point, but as soon as I have the notebook in my hands, I'll make a call." Aizawa starts to speak, but Raito cuts in, "You don't think I'm going to give you everything you want before I know you're going to act in good faith towards me, do I? A trade should suit both our purposes. Otherwise I might start thinking you're not going to fulfil your side of the bargain at all. Tell you what, I'll ask Takada's employees to bring your younger daughter to where your wife and other child are currently staying. All three of them together, and all three of them will be free to go as soon as I have the notebook."

Mello nods, looking irritated; Aizawa says, fiercely, "All right, fine! We'll bring the notebook, you bring Rester, and we'll only show up if the accusations have been retracted."

"Will I be able to call you on this number?"

Mello nods again.

"Yes," Aizawa says. "You won't be able to trace it, so don't bother."

"Really? Have you found yourself some friends?"

Mello's eyes widen a little; Aizawa hastily says, "Actually, no. We're not amateurs, Raito. We'll -"

"No," Raito cuts in. "Just failures."

Aizawa closes his eyes a second, breathes out, then carries on, his voice hard and angry, "If we want to talk to you again, we'll call you on this number. All right?"

"I look forward to it. It's good to hear you're finally doing the right thing. Especially after all you've put your family through." 

Aizawa doesn't answer. He just slowly takes the phone away from his ear and then ends the call.

Mello sighs, stretches his feet out onto the table again. "And I thought Near was a smug little bastard."

"It sounds like he doesn't suspect, at any rate," Lidner says. "Although, you guys know him better - what did you think?"

Ide glances at Aizawa, who's glaring furiously at the floor; then at Matsuda, who's still dead white. Shrugging, he says, "I don't know. I doubt... I doubt he'd expect us to be trying to trick him, so maybe it won't occur to him to suspect anything." It sounds stupidly optimistic even to him. You don't win a battle of wits against the famous L by not being suspicious.

Mello shrugs. "No point in wondering about it. What happens happens."

"We'll get him," Lidner says softly, as she follows Mello out of the room.

The door clicks shut behind them and for a moment there's silence except the rattle of rain outside. 

"He won't do anything to them," Ide says to Aizawa at last. "There's no point, now we've made the offer of a trade."

"Yeah, and what happens when we don't follow through on that?" Aizawa is shaking slightly; his hands curl into fists. "If there's any way he can use them, he will. It's got nothing to do with them. It's got nothing to do with them except I'm in the middle of it and I just - I just -"

All Ide can think of is to say, "He doesn't need them any more. He's only holding onto them for now so he doesn't lose any advantages early." It doesn't sound particularly helpful even to him. 

"I know, all right? I just - oh, give it a rest, I can't..." Aizawa turns his head away as if he knows he's being unreasonable, and then he's walking off, muttering something under his breath that might be _I hate this._ Ide wants to yell after him _yeah, it's not exactly a bundle of laughs for me either,_ grits his teeth until the urge has sunk down. Aizawa gets like this sometimes, usually when he's stressed, and things couldn't be much more stressful than they are right now. Except they could, of course, they could be _much_ worse, but Ide doesn't want to think about what that would be like.

He looks round for Matsuda instead. Gevanni's woken up at some point during the conversation, and Matsuda's hurrying over to him, offering more water, determinedly cheerful. "Mello went out last night to, I dunno, rob a hospital or something. So - so you're going to be fine, you know?" Slipping into English to say the same thing - awkward, the words sliding about in his mouth - and then back to Japanese: "You should probably have something to eat, we all have... There's not a great choice, but food's good, right?" The usual Matsuda-ish eagerness to please, to be friendly, but it's all edged with an undercurrent of desperation, like Matsuda thinks if he nurses someone back to health it'll cancel out what happened. At the thought of him going through the rest of his life being that naive, that constantly disappointed, Ide actually wishes he could ditch the lot of them, go somewhere no one knows him and never think about this again, but of course that's not an option.

Gevanni is staggering to his feet - going to wash or something. Matsuda's calling hasty directions after him, but as Gevanni disappears into the corridor, Matsuda's perkiness disappears as though it's been switched off. He takes a long, shaky breath and then he evidently realises Ide is still there, and suddenly becomes very keen not to look at him.

"Don't let Raito get to you," Ide hears himself say, and he's too loud, too full of false optimism. "He's hardly one to talk, is he?"

Matsuda shrugs. For a few moments the silence just hangs there but in the end Matsuda evidently can't take it any more, and mutters, "Well, he's right."

"Like hell he is. And I _said,_ he's the last person who should be making snide remarks about murders." 

"It doesn't matter what he's done, does it?" Matsuda snaps it, like Ide is making remarks about him instead of Raito. "It doesn't make what he said about me not true."

"Yes, but - but that doesn't mean you have to react the way he wants you to. You looked like you were going to keel over."

"Well, I'm sorry, okay?"

"What? I wasn't asking for an apology, I just didn't like seeing you actually care what someone like that said." Now Ide's feeling like he'd rather just drop the whole thing, like he's been backed into a corner and is arguing something he didn't even really believe. Raito was truthful, in what he said about Matsuda at least. But they can't give in, can they? No matter what he's forced them into doing, they can't let him beat them -

"Yeah," Matsuda says, "I know how much it must suck to have your first kiss in years be with someone so useless. Sorry - I'm sorry about that, too, all right? You didn't know what you were letting yourself in for."

It's so completely not what Ide expected as a response - it's so completely not what he expected from Matsuda _ever_ \- that for a few moments all he can do is stare, baffled, and then he splutters out, "What the hell has _that_ got to do with anything?" 

Matsuda doesn't answer; turns away, digging his nails into his arms. The words hang in the air and Ide gets a chance to actually think about them. Does Matsuda really think that Ide is only saying things like this because of what they did? Did Ide really come across as so needy? So desperate? He feels sick and stupid and like someone will have heard what Matsuda said, someone will know - _god,_ what was wrong with him thinking he should - that it had meant anything - that it did anything to make the situation better - 

"You know what?" he snaps, wanting now to underline that there is no way he is not viewing Matsuda in any way other than a coldly rational one. "You should stop taking every chance to feel sorry for yourself. There's no way you'll survive this if you don't put some effort in."

Matsuda stares round, no longer looking defensive, just hurt and surprised - but only for a second. Then his face closes down into sullenness again and he says, flatly, "Guess I'm screwed then."

Ide can't work out why the hell they're suddenly furious with each other but they are and he is sick of the conversation, sick of trying to say the right thing when it clearly is so pointless. So he turns away, trying to act like he knows there is no point in persisting in this, in any of it, and heads out of the room.

***

Aizawa finds himself in another room. The boards across the window are half torn-off, so he keeps back by the door, out of the view of anyone watching. Not that it looks like anyone is - outside, the forecourt is empty and rain-slicked - but there are other buildings, with flat empty windows and doorways, and beyond that there's the city proper, where the people who aren't criminals live. So you never know. 

He closes the door behind him, and leans against it. Things are a bit better now he's on his own, he hasn't got the horrible feeling of trying to hold it together for everyone else as well as himself. But even so he still feels like an idiot for coming in here, storming off like it's Ide's fault that things are as they are. Losing his temper in a way more appropriate to his teenage daughter. He would almost go back out there, nod at Ide in the way they both know means _sorry, I was a jerk,_ except that when he actually _thinks_ about Eriko and Yumi and Youko and then Raito's cool arrogant voice, _I'll let your family live,_ he feels so sick and angry and _scared_ it's as much as he can do not to haul off and punch something, let alone be civil to others. Here he can slump down, sit on the floor and stare at nothing very much and then all his energy can go on not losing his temper. There are piles of incomplete shop mannequins here, naked and bald, their skin smooth with dust. The weirdness of it helps. Of course Mello wouldn't be squatting in an abandoned warehouse that held something non-creepy. Wammy's House evidently teaches you to pick your base with care, or something... and now he's thinking about L - the first L, the _real_ L - crouched by a computer, back to them all, waiting for Aizawa to leave - _he knew then, he knew it just makes you vulnerable, it just means they can get to you and there isn't anything you can **do** -_

This isn't trying to stay calm. This is making yourself so angry you're going to break the phone you're clutching if you don't watch out. He makes himself consider that they're not exactly swamped with equipment here and eases his grip, scowls down at the thing. It's curved - the shape kind of reminds him of a seashell - a stupid, clever-for-the-sake-of-it design. But then, Mello always seems to have been about being clever for the sake of it. Couldn't have his untraceable line linked to a _normal_ phone.

It takes time to put two and two together, like he's still not awake despite the coffee. The line can't be traced no matter who he calls. And he promised. He said to Eriko that he'd try and call.

Once he gets it he starts dialling immediately before he can start thinking of reasons why not to. He has to do _something._ His fingers stumble on the grimy keys as he tries to remember Eriko's mobile number. What he'll do if there's no one there - or worse, what he'll do if someone like Raito picks up, there to laugh at him for the stupid, empty gesture of calling home - the phone at the other end is ringing now. God, even if she does answer he doesn't know what he'll say to her. To any of them. He's just tired and scared and angry but he said he'd try and call and what else can he do, now? They probably won't answer. They shouldn't _want_ to answer - and damnit, he's listening to the spaces between the tones like he'll be able to hear her breathing - 

A click. A faint voice. "Hello?"

The tension in him tears itself across and for a moment he can't breathe. Eriko's voice shakes as she carries on, "Who is this?" and disgust at his own cowardice makes him say (just to say something) "You're not on your own, right?"

Her breath catches in her throat but she only says, "No, I'm not. And they're listening."

"Right. That's okay -" Mumbled voices on the line, and then Eriko, bluntly, "They've got the phone... I don't know, tapped or something, they're going to trace - you need to go -"

"It can't be traced. It's all right. It's not mine, and... it can't be traced, okay? I called Kira from it five minutes ago, anyway."

She snorts. "Once again Kira takes priority over me." She sounds very tired, tired enough to snap at him or start crying just because she can't not. It hurts. He should have anticipated all this - thought of somewhere for her to hide, some way to warn her quickly if things got bad - 

"Are they treating you all right?" he says instead, sounding grumpy as if this is a holiday she's gone on that he resents. "You and -"

"Oh, it's four-star accommodation -" More voices in the background; she snaps to them, "I _know_ -" and then, back to him, "They aren't letting me say any more about it. I'm fine. Yumi's fine. I... I don't -"

"They're going to give Youko back." He says it fiercely as if he doesn't quite believe it himself. "Kira said he would, at any rate." Hey, if any of the listeners didn't already know Kira sanctions kidnapping, they do now. "You ask them about that, okay? You tell them Kira ordered it - they'll bring her to you, they're not going to... going to let you go, but..." Why the hell is he talking _rationally_ about this when his wife and kids are being locked up - _held hostage_ \- and no one but him and a few morally dubious individuals are doing anything about it? Why is he trying to sound like he's making the best of this? Besides, he's wasting time; they might make her hang up, there's no time for useless reassurances. 

"Why were you talking to Kira?" she cuts in, like she doesn't want the reassurances anyway.

"To - to sort things out. I mean..." He mustn't sound like he's playing an angle, like he's anything more than a beaten man finally giving in to Kira's demands. "It'll all be over soon, okay? When they say you can go, just go. And don't go back to the house right away, give it a week or so -" 

"Shuichi," she says, and then she stops, and he hears her swallow before she carries on, "You're not going to -"

"I'm sorting things, okay? So you just keep your head down, don't make them mad, and take care of the girls -"

"What I did," she says, and there's the edge of panic in her voice, "on TV, you know she - I didn't know what else to do. She told me to keep asking you to... and so I - it was only because I couldn't take _that_ any more, talking to you like I was on her side -"

"Look, I know -"

"I don't think you do," she says. "I'm _all right,_ do you hear? I'm not going to do anything else - I doubt I could anyway, with the number of people watching me now. Shuichi, please, there's - there's no way they can keep this going for ever. Sooner or later they'll have to give up and I want to actually see you again, you understand? You seem to think I'll be fine because I'll know that you - you _sacrificed yourself for a good cause_ -" Her voice is sharp and hard and he can hear her trying not to cry, and he wants to tell her _stop, I don't want to die either, we're going to beat them, we've got a plan_ \- 

"Stop it," he says. "I'm doing what I can -" and then cuts himself off - what if he sounds too significant, what if they think he's trying to get a message to her?

"That's what I'm worried about." Her voice is sharp, like what she really wants to say is _you've done quite enough already._ He wants to yell at her to stop guilt-tripping him, but doesn't she have a right to? This must be even more of a nightmare for her than it is for him and she didn't choose it, she didn't choose any of it.

The conversation they're _not_ having is drowning out anything else he could have actually said. He makes himself say, "I'd better go. Just... wanted to check you were all right. And - about Youko -"

"I hope you're right about that," she says, quietly, evidently realising there's nothing to be gained by continuing the argument. 

"Don't try and - _anticipate_ anything," he says, "just keep yourself safe, keep the girls safe..." He has to stop for a second, and he's already told her to do that, she's not _stupid_ \- "I..." He should say _I'll see you soon,_ reassure her it _will_ be okay, he's not giving up, but it's not safe, and so he just hangs up, because he doesn't think he can handle hearing her say goodbye.

***

Matsuda hears the door slam shut and looks round to see Ide heading out of the room. Just like that, he's furious, like a switch being flicked: _you're acting like I was so stupid, you were just as scared as I was it's just **I did something** you just backed down and left me to try and save us **it's all your fault** -_ Stop, stop, he went _through_ this, Ide doesn't owe him anything and Matsuda's not going to act like he does. Oh god, maybe he is actually going mad. Sooner or later his thoughts won't have any connection to reality at all. Maybe it'll be nicer that way? Raito looked - Raito always seemed -

But Ide didn't have to keep talking to him like he was making a fuss about nothing. He _killed someone._ He keeps thinking it, to test, to see if it still makes him feel sick, to see if it somehow stops being true. It always does make him feel sick and the constant realisation that it is true is numbing by now, it tires him out. Does everyone feel _tired_ when they've done this? (Killed someone.) Raito seemed tired, Raito often seemed tired -

and now he's seeing the blood on the walls and the floor, a mist of red, that's the way back into the memory, and then there's the gun warm in his hands and and the smoke and blood smells and Aizawa and Ide looking at him and -

\- it's so fucked up to even think this way, but he'd thought Ide had almost decided that he, Matsuda, wasn't a complete idiot after all, even if it was just because Ide doesn't act so superior when romance is involved, and now he's _ruined_ it he's _ruined everything_ -

And so why the hell shouldn't he be _bothered_ by what Raito said? It's true, and even if it's also because Raito is taking the opportunity to be cruel, clearly enjoying the effect he knows he's creating, and Matsuda still wants to yell at him to stop _pretending,_ to be kind again, to be himself - so what? Ide doesn't know about that, no one does. 

Maybe he just got mad because having something in common with Raito is a bad thing now and yet he still - Raito must have felt like this the first time, it probably just got - got easier, and his victims deserved it after all, and - the others all hate Kira so completely and Ide might _say_ it's not the same but - Ide just doesn't want to feel bad about stuff they did together -

Why does Matsuda feel like Raito would understand? 

"I'm not like him." He makes himself say it out loud because otherwise the thought doesn't get through, it gets drowned by all the others. "I'm not like him, he... he doesn't care. I..."

He doesn't know if he _does_ care, though. Not in the way you're meant to care. He cares that he brought the police down on them. He cares that he's done something you actually _should_ be arrested for, arrested and convicted and executed although these days you wouldn't live long enough to get to that point. And Dad will be so angry and Aizawa and Ide are disgusted with him and and _all of that,_ but does he feel bad about what actually happened? That the guy is dead? That he had a wife and maybe kids as well? It's hard to tell. If he does feel sorry, it's not obvious, it must be under all the other stuff. He didn't _want_ to hurt anyone. He didn't - and Sato-san was crying, he heard her, he doesn't - if you think about making someone cry like that then - 

No. No, no, there is no good way of thinking about this. He clenches his fists, makes himself sit up straighter, tries to smooth his face back into normality (his expressions ache, like someone's crumpling him up like a paper bag). Lucky he did, because just then Gevanni walks back in. He limps a bit at the moment. Matsuda hadn't noticed that before. He doesn't know why it's important, or whether it is. But it's good to have a thought that's just normal, just one word in front of another.

"Did you find the sinks all right?" he says. 

Gevanni smiles and nods. He still looks tired and drained, hollow-eyed, but not so much like he's actually going to die. That's good, that's something going right. Of course for all they know, Mello might have killed someone in the course of getting the medicine. Mello's killed lots of people. Mello killed Raito's father. Matsuda really tries not to think too hard about that. If he does then he remembers it happening and then it lays itself over Sato-san's husband dying and, and he said he thought that people like Mello should be killed, he thought Kira wasn't all bad, because he thought he himself was one of the _good guys..._

"Are you all right?" Gevanni says, gently.

"Sure! Just... just tired. It was... it's really cold in this place, you know? So I didn't sleep too well." His voice sounds too loud, too shaky. "So... sorry if I seem a little... I'm just tired."

Gevanni nods, picks his way carefully round the coffee table and comes to sit back down on the sofa. "I understand. Well... I guess I don't, really, because I've been doing nothing but sleep for the last day... but before that, I was exhausted." His voice is thin, not quite steady, but calm, amazingly calm. 

Matsuda manages to nod. He can't remember if Gevanni knows about all that's happened. Lidner and Mello heard about it on the radio, right? And Gevanni was with them then... "I... I guess..." He clenches his fists so hard that his knuckles ache, he _will_ sound normal, _just be competent for once for god's sake,_ "I guess you didn't get much sleep. They'd all be looking out for you, right? Even more than us."

"That's right." 

"And... and I guess you were with Mikami. And. You know. Hanging out with Kira probably... probably doesn't make you feel like sleeping."

Gevanni's face goes a bit blank, like this idea hadn't occurred to him, and Matsuda feels even stupider, but eventually Gevanni nods, and says, "Yeah. It kept me on edge for a while."

"Was it... was it weird?" Matsuda manages to say. "That... he..." _You knew what he'd done._ "That he killed..." His voice dries up and he tries to carry on speaking but he can't, if he does Gevanni will hear how stressed he is -

Silence for a few seconds apart from the hiss of rain and Matsuda is screwing up even this conversation and he wants to walk out like everyone else has, but then he'll have to come back in again and things will just be even worse.

"He doesn't remember it," Gevanni says. "Actually, that makes the whole thing even more weird."

"Lucky," Matsuda has said before he can think, and then goes cold, why can't he shut up? Why can't he act like (like Raito) like someone _normal_?

"He doesn't think so," Gevanni says. A wry smile. "I think he's really angry with me that I took the memories away. But if... if the notebook was your weapon of choice, I guess your attitude to the killing is different from what would be expected anyway."

Matsuda hadn't thought about that. Or if he had, he hadn't thought about it like _this,_ when you actually know what it's like. "I suppose." If he and Ide had written down Raito's name, that time, would he be feeling as awful as he does about shooting Sato? Or would he be pretending they hadn't done anything, that all they'd done was put words on a page, that the death resulting from it was a lucky accident? He doesn't think they would, but at the same time at least there wouldn't be blood. And he doesn't think he could shoot Raito now, anyway. Not after everything that's happened.

Gevanni says, softly, "So someone did get killed, then?"

Matsuda turns away, manages to nod.

"I didn't..." He's trying so hard to sound calm that it hurts to talk. "I wasn't trying to. I wasn't trying to - I was just trying to stop him from - he was going to call NHN."

"Right." Gevanni sounds so calm about it all. Like you could just tell him loads of stuff and he'd just listen, he wouldn't start going off on one and yelling at you and telling you how stupid you were. "It... it was an accident?"

Matsuda wants to say _yes._ An accident means you didn't intend things to happen that way, and he didn't, so isn't it okay to say _I didn't mean to_?

"I guess," he whispers. He's still not looking at Gevanni; staring at the far wall. There's a rusty air vent there, patches of damp, cracks in the paint like cobwebs. "I... I don't remember. I don't know." He wonders if maybe Aizawa and Ide - or Mello and Lidner - talked to Gevanni, told him _Matsuda just shot the guy and didn't care_ or something. "What did they say to you?"

"Nothing. I haven't really been up for conversation in the last day or so. All I know is what I heard on NHN, and I wouldn't really go to them for accuracy."

Matsuda doesn't want to keep talking about this but at the same it makes him feel sick to imagine everyone else telling Gevanni about it instead. "I... the guy said... he said he was going to call NHN. I had... I had my gun, I told him to stop. Aizawa was trying to..." The blood spatters on the wall are back again - all he can see is the air vent and the boarded-up windows but at the same time the blood spatters are there, behind it all. "He wasn't listening. The guy." He's not sure if that's true. Was it just something he made up to make himself feel better? "I... I was trying to hit his phone. I'm not... I can do stuff like that, you... you saw in the warehouse, right? With the pen - but it didn't... this time I..." He swallows. "It was his shoulder. The artery, Aizawa said... There was lots... lots of blood and... we heard later he..." He feels really, really sick now. 

"I'm sorry," Gevanni says.

"Why should you be apologising to me? It's my fault. It's _them,_ they're the ones you should be saying sorry to -" And then his voice cracks and he's slumped forward, is burying his face in his hands because he's going to pieces, _again_ \- 

"I meant... I'm sorry it happened," Gevanni says. "I know it wasn't a good thing to do, but... it's rough on everyone."

"I ruined everything," Matsuda says - it's easier to say it out loud when you can't see your audience. His breath is hot on his palms. "I ruined everything and - they hate me and - I didn't - and now when it's over -"

"I don't think they hate you. When - when something like this happens... and this is a difficult situation. When people are put under pressure they sometimes make mistakes, and... sometimes the results are pretty bad. But... it happens, you know? You just have to do what you can to sort stuff out."

Matsuda wants to say _yeah, maybe, but why is it always me who makes the mistakes? Why doesn't anyone else fuck up?_ But he'll sound crazy and pathetic if he does, so he keeps his mouth shut, stares at the floor, at the scuffed linoleum. 

"Look... I have no clue how this will end," Gevanni says. "Things might go back to normal if we do manage to put Kira out of operation, or... I don't know. But - we can do our best to try and help you. You deserve to be listened to by people who'll give you a fair hearing."

Matsuda swallows hard as the sickness rises up at the back of his throat again. _Fair hearing._ All at once, he knows he doesn't _want_ a fair hearing, he doesn't want this to be heard at all, he wants everyone to forget about it and then he can pretend it didn't happen and, and - how can he even think like that -

Kira protects the weak. People like him, he'd thought. People who can't fight back themselves, people who need to be protected. But now he's a different kind of weak, right? He's someone who can't face their mistakes, can't take responsibility. Kira hates people like that - 

\- Kira is _Raito,_ why is he thinking of him like this, if anyone can't take responsibility for what they did it's Raito, Raito is responsible for his father's death -

Oh god. He had been trying not to think about Raito's father but now it's hitting him like his heart is slowing down. Soichiro Yagami would've been _appalled._ He wouldn't be understanding like Gevanni is, or blase like Mello is, or awkward and diffident like Ide and Aizawa are. _He'd just look at me and want to know how I could have done it -_

"I... um... I should..." He's standing up already before he's thought of the excuse. "I should let you get some rest. You should... you should rest up, Mello is going to want you to do stuff."

"I'm sure," Gevanni says. "Listen... try not to - to overthink it, okay? If we get rid of Kira, I'll - we'll help you out, we'll... I mean, you don't need to start thinking _what if_ while we're still all hiding out."

Matsuda manages to nod before scurrying out of the room, slumping against the corridor outside, taking deep breaths. It feels like there isn't enough air in here. They all tell him to stop being so weak, to fight his corner, but how the hell can he do that without convincing himself he's done nothing wrong? _The Chief would hate me even more if I just started acting like I was fine about it_ \- hiding out with Mello is enough of a betrayal, how can he compound that by _not caring_? 

His mind is still going over the point that Raito got his father killed, still trying to get angry about it, like it hasn't caught up with the fact that the conversation's ended. And he can't summon up the rage anyway, not any more, not against Raito. All that there is has been directed towards himself for being so stupid. He was stupid in the warehouse, letting himself think that Raito was _so bad_ and losing his temper, and he's just kept on being stupid. And now he doesn't know how to go back.

***

Takada's apartment is tastefully furnished in shades of beige and peach and white, so much so that it actually reminds Raito of a hotel. That must be intentional, of course, so that if there are ever any photo opportunities everyone will be able to say how refined Lady Takada is, what good taste she has. Could she not be less _obvious?_ No one wants to make themselves look bad, of course not, but she's making herself look bad by the very nature of how transparent her pretense is. Only stupid people make things obvious. But Takada _is_ stupid, of course she is, he didn't pick her as an ally because of her brains but because of her fanaticism and because she loved him. His head aches. He didn't pick her at all, it was Mikami, this is all Mikami's fault, fucking up like this. Except that he, Raito, chose Mikami, so that when you work it back -

His thoughts are going too fast. It hurts behind his eyes - he breathes in, and out, slowly, and gets himself a glass of water. But when he's holding the damp glass in his hand that just makes it worse, that just underlines how ill he feels and he barely resists throwing it at the kitchen wall. He should be finding the place soothing. He should be able to think here. He never minded hotels before, they let his thoughts be clean and clear, uninterrupted by family clutter. But here, his head buzzes like his brain got retuned while he was in hospital, and the pale smooth furniture twangs on his eyes and hurts his teeth. And Ryuk stands out against it like a broken windowpane. Raito keeps seeing him out of the corner of his eye. That's been happening more anyway, like he's cracked his vision and it's formed into a humanoid shape that watches him and, every so often, says _why do you keep looking round at me? Did you forget I'm here?_

If he were at his apartment, or at his parents' house, or in some anonymous hotel room, he'd be able to _think._ He can't think. It's been an hour since Aizawa's phone call now and all he's done is pace, sit down, stand up, and try not to notice how it aches where his hand used to be. It keeps hurting. It keeps hurting and he can't _think_ and it's all their fault. They're making this difficult. They're all going to die anyway, why are they being so frustrating about it? He doesn't want to be matching wits with them. He wants them to be dead. They are in his world, now, so why are things still so difficult? Why doesn't the world _feel_ new?

He told Takada to come back here now because he needed to be able to think. That's all. He needed someone whom he has to explain things to and doing that will calm him down. He sips the water, slowly. It tastes metallic.

The door slams, and he looks up to see Takada in the entryway, fumbling with her shoes. She gives him a little smile. A concerned smile. Why the fuck should she be _concerned_ about him? (It's the missing hand. He's going to be getting concerned looks for the rest of his life because of that. No one will notice the intelligence or the politeness or the morals, just that he's crippled, damaged, _deformed_ \- he's been trying not to think about how he's holding the glass in _the wrong hand,_ the way his brain keeps telling him to raise his other arm and transfer the object to the right hand - he's not _stupid_ -) 

Takada must have seen that he doesn't want her smiling at him, because she says more briskly, "I left as soon as I could. The car is downstairs. What's going on?"

"Aizawa got in contact with me."

Takada breathes in sharply. "That's - could you trace it? Is there a way to -"

Typical of her to pick up on the one useless thing. "Shut up. He said it's not traceable. He knows about that sort of thing. That's not the point, it - it was -" He's too hot, as well. The pain is gripping his wrist and the agitation is making him too hot; his shirt should be sticking to him. "He wants to trade the notebook."

She frowns, comes to sit on the sofa, hands in her lap, knees together. "For what?"

"For a retraction of all accusations. And his family, and the SPK member you've got in custody."

She snorts. "Do they really think we'll agree to that?"

She's not supposed to _think_ things, she's supposed to _listen,_ she's supposed to _help._ "What on earth are we supposed to do if we don't? Your efforts have been completely useless -"

"I doubt that," she cuts in. "If they want to trade the notebook, that suggests they're in as difficult a situation as we are."

"Aizawa's just worried about his family. Ide and Mogi will follow his lead, and Matsuda..." 

Matsuda, he realises, has _hurt_ him. Matsuda has _done this_ to him, taken away his hand. It seems ridiculous. Matsuda, who hero-worshipped his father and more or less pledged allegiance to Kira in front of the rest of the task force and is so stupid, so _stupid,_ just like Takada is stupid, never realised, letting him down -

Takada is looking at him expectantly. He wants to hit out at her, but the thought of having to do it with his non-dominant hand makes him feel sick. Not to mention that would mean she'd won, in some way. 

"He's - Aizawa's - he's worried about family," he says again. "He thinks that if we call off the search, then even if they don't hand over the notebook, it will make it harder for us to start it up again later."

"It probably will," Takada says. "And it will make me - us - look ridiculous. It would be bad enough if I had to say that we had made a mistake. That _Kira_ had made a mistake. It would be even worse if we later went back on it."

"Not necessarily." He's thinking straight now. "We could say you had been forced. Controlled. Or that you'd been wrong... if necessary we could find a new spokesperson -"

She glares at him. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"I don't _care_ what you think. What's important is what will get us the notebook back. Once we've got that we can get rid of them."

Takada breathes out through her nose, glances away - then looks back at him, biting her lip. "All right, but... how do we know that it'll be the real notebook?"

She doesn't say, _they've already got you with that trick once,_ but it hangs in the air, and his headache worsens. He grits his teeth, even though it doesn't help. _He_ should have thought of that. He doesn't _need_ her. He doesn't need anyone, _he's_ Kira - 

\- _a Kira who's lost a hand, that's the important part_ \- 

\- when he was in hospital he thinks he remembers Ryuk laughing, murmuring _this is **really** interesting, I didn't know that's what you look like inside, hey, I wonder if they'll cut more bits off? Shinigami build themselves back up, you should try that, I guess it'd give the game away though_ \- or maybe that was later, when he was awake, but he doesn't think so, it was hot and dark and _I was awake all along, I could **feel** it_ \- 

"Shut up," he says, "I didn't call you here to ask stupid questions!"

He expects a temper tantrum, but Takada only gets to her feet, walks over to the kitchen counter, and picks up the bottle of painkillers the doctor gave him. 

"When did you last take one of these?" she says, gently.

"How should I know? This morning sometime!"

"I think you should consider taking another. You don't look very well."

He wants to scream at her that it's nothing to do with _him,_ that it's her and the task force, they're the ones making everything difficult. But all at once the thought of getting the pain to stop is blocking out everything else. He scowls at her - he's not going to admit that she's right - but he does make himself say, "If you insist. Give them to me."

She studies him for a few seconds, as if she's waiting for something. He wonders if she would _dare_ try withholding the medicine until he'd - _said sorry_ or something. He looks her full in the face and perhaps she sees that if she did anything so stupid she would be dead, because she holds the bottle out to him, and he grabs it out of her hand.

"You need to take better care of yourself," she says as he gulps down a pill. "We can't afford to make mistakes."

"And you should learn to do what I tell you instead of just... going off and... and _deciding_ things." It's a pathetic retort and they both know it. But perhaps the very stupidity of it helps, convinces Takada that he doesn't really mean it; she comes to sit next to him, puts a hand on his arm. 

"I'm sorry," she says. "I know it's difficult for you. I just want you to be all right. After all, who's going to build a new world if you don't?"

That helps. That suggests she still believes everything he's said. She stays sitting next to him, strokes his hair. He tells himself that it's good, that it means she loves him and so she'll do anything he says. Misa stroked his hair, sometimes, but on her it wasn't as annoying, it was part of her act along with the frilly skirts and skull jewellery. Still, after Dad died, and she thought, she thought she _understood_ and she understood _nothing_ , all the times she talked about how she'd felt when her parents died and _we're not alike,_ he said to her once, _stop pretending, Misa,_ and then she'd spent more time flouncing off with Mogi and ignoring him - 

_Misa._

"Where's Misa," he says, his voice flat because he's so furious he could have forgotten something - some _one_ \- so obvious. Takada's mouth twists a little as she says, "I don't know."

"Well, you should have known! For god's sake, if she were still around she'd certainly be making her presence known!"

"I don't need to keep tabs on that woman. Perhaps she's simply accepted the inevitable."

"Don't be ridiculous." He snatches his mobile off the table, starts looking for Misa's number. 

"Don't," Takada says, putting her hand on his, "if she finds out now -" He shakes her off, and she sighs, sits watching him, her eyes large and full of frustration. Misa's phone rings and rings. Eventually it goes to her voicemail. Misa barely ever lets her phone go to voicemail, especially not when it's him calling. And - it was _three_ men who killed that hotel owner, not four - 

"She's with Mogi," he says. "She must be. He must have told her something... pretended I'm in danger, perhaps -"

Takada blinks. "So - Misa is on the run with them?"

"No! Don't be so stupid. There were only _three._ She's with Mogi, and Aizawa and the other two are separate. He probably got her to get rid of her phone, that's why there's no answer."

"So... how is this relevant?" Takada's got a lofty expression on her face. Raito grits his teeth. Can she _just_ for _once_ show some common sense rather than letting her emotions get the better of her? "It means I want you to put a search out for Misa. Emphasise how concerned I, as her fiance, am for her whereabouts."

"How do you know that she isn't choosing to remain with him?" Takada is sitting very straight, holding her head up. No doubt she's telling herself how clever and mature she's being. "She may have changed sides. I really don't think it's safe to -"

"I don't want you to tell me what you think. I want you to _find her_ -" His head is aching again and he wants to kill Takada, how can he be depending on someone so stupid? "And I want her to be unharmed and to continue to trust me. It shouldn't be this hard for you to understand."

Takada stares at him for a few seconds. He can't read her expression. It's not tearful or angry. It's almost puzzled. Maybe she's so stupid she hasn't taken in what he said. But eventually she nods. 

"Are we going to retract the accusations?" she says.

"Yes. No. I don't know yet, I..." He didn't mean to say that out loud. He feels as ashamed and out of control as if he'd just been sick on the floor.

"It could be a trick," she says.

"Once we get the notebook back, it won't matter. They'll just be killed."

She frowns. "But surely they'll have worked that out? What advantage do they really have, going along with this deal?"

"Aizawa wants to protect his family. He may have assumed that even if he gets killed, at least they'll be safe. Ide will follow his lead, Matsuda's an idiot, and Mogi isn't with them so I doubt he knows about this."

"And the SPK?"

Raito had forgotten about the SPK. He wants to point out that they're nothing without Near. But would they bail out like this? They've stubbornly stuck to this battle up until now. 

"Either it is a trick," he says, "in which case, they won't make any kind of move until we've made the announcement. Or it isn't a trick and they really are that stupid. If it's the latter, then we want to retract the accusations so they'll put the notebook into our hands themselves. If it's the former, then we should go along with this and look for an opportunity to turn the tables."

"But what if that's just what they want?" Takada says. "How do we know they won't hand us a fake and then just rely on the public not believing me if I accuse them again?"

"If that happened," Raito says, "then we would handle it. We could say you'd been coerced into it." Or that she'd defected to the other side. If she happened to die afterwards, that would only support the idea that she'd betrayed Kira. And then she would be _gone._ He'd choose the new spokesperson himself. "Besides, there's no reason we can't test the Note when they give it to us. If they put it into our hands, then we can prevent them leaving and check it right away. If... if they were at all intelligent, they'd have one of them move it to a new location and not go to the meeting, so that we couldn't get the location from the others. I sincerely doubt they'll think of that. But even if they did, you could make new announcements." 

Takada frowns, but then she says, "I suppose that I could make it appear that I'm not happy with this idea that they're not enemies of Kira. Or at least that I'm not sure of its veracity."

"Yes, fine." Her head must already be full of how she'll appear, how she'll present herself. Typical. "Issue the retraction, but find Misa as well. Don't link it in with anything about the task force. Mogi might have convinced her she's in danger. Just... get it into the news or talk shows or something, that I'm looking for her. That I'm _concerned_ for her. When she's back with me, I can see what information she can offer. It might well be that Mogi will have trusted her enough to let something slip. But if we don't take them up on their deal, all we can do is keep hunting for them when we could be getting them to lead us right to the notebook."

Takada nods slowly. "All right."

"They're trying to copy Near. Set up a dramatic meeting and make it work in their favour. There's no way they can pull it off."

But he's feeling better now. This is a game and he understands games. There are dozens of openings in this one. He'll find one, and then sweep through the opposing pieces in a few moves. Things are not out of his control at all, no matter what Ryuzaki said.

***

Gevanni feels like all the energy he got from eating and drinking and splashing his face with cold water has been used up on talking to Matsuda. What the hell did he think he was doing anyway, sounding off to the guy like he had any means of helping him? He's been doing that too much lately, telling Louise she'd be all right and reassuring Mikami that he'd be protected and now trying to make Matsuda believe that things _aren't_ about to go to hell in a handbasket... It wouldn't be so bad if he actually had been able to follow up on any of these promises, but as it is all he does is hand out platitudes. 

God. He needs to get a grip; sitting around feeling sorry for himself isn't going to get him anywhere. _Take your own advice. Save the stressing for after we've got rid of the serial killer who wants us all dead._ After all, there's clearly some kind of plan being developed, although he can't pull the scraps of conversation he's heard into anything coherent. He's been enough of a burden already, he needs to take the opportunity to do something that'll actually matter -

"So. Feeling better?"

Mello's leaning on the back of the sofa, inches away from him, and he starts before he can help himself. Mello doesn't laugh, but there's an odd flicker - contempt, concern - in his face.

"Yes," Gevanni says at last. "Thanks."

A shrug. "I wanted to have a chat with you."

It was unsettling enough when Near showed focused interest in you alone, and Gevanni was at least pretty confident he could beat Near in a fight and that the guy hadn't killed anyone. He keeps a polite, curious expression on his face and tells himself not to start jumping at shadows.

"Why'd you keep Mikami with you?" Mello says.

Not the opener Gevanni wanted to hear. Of course Mello could just be making conversation; offhandedly curious. Except that Gevanni can't imagine anyone on a level with Near ever being one for small talk.

"Why not?" he says. "He was a resource we didn't want Yagami to have... not to mention we know he was acting as Kira."

"So?"

"So... we were attempting to place the perpetrators in the Kira case under arrest. I was trying to stick to that aim." He makes himself meet Mello's eyes like he can't see any illogicality in his answer, like there's absolutely nothing he's keeping back. And there _isn't_ , really; he was gambling, trying to get away both with his life and with one of the people who'd used the murder notebook neutralised and in custody. Mello should understand risk-taking, right?

"Uh-huh." Mello glances away, his gaze flat, picks at the seam on his glove. "Following orders to the letter, huh? Hey, I don't give a damn whether you were blindly loyal to Near or not, so you know. Not sure I'd believe it if you said you were."

"Why not?"

"Hal's in this to screw Kira over," Mello says, looking back at him now. "You've seen already how she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else."

"Including you?" Gevanni blurts it out mainly because he'd like the focus to be moved off him, but the next second he knows he really doesn't want to give the impression he's trying to antagonise Mello. Still, the guy only raises an eyebrow and says, "No, she fell for my long-term prospects, good looks, clean record and charming demeanour. God. My point is if I got in the way of Kira being taken down, she'd get rid of me. Now, your buddy who's getting the shit kicked out of him right now by NHN - _he_ was following orders. Took the case and sees it through. Near was his boss, so he wants what Near wanted. Dunno if that's still the case now, but it probably doesn't matter either way. What I'm saying is, if it was ever personal for him, it's become about finishing the job. The Japanese task force too, I reckon... oh, and of course they're pissed off Kira was under their noses the whole time and want to make themselves feel like they actually did something useful."

"Right." Does Mello know about Louise? It's entirely likely that he saw Gevanni's records, back when the rest of the SPK were killed... but Louise died after that, and it's not like Mello would've been interested in keeping tabs on someone who, to him, was just one of Near's tools, right? He had more important things to think about. At least, Gevanni certainly hopes he did. He makes himself smile. "And you're wondering where I fit in?"

"Mikami rescued you when you got shot." Mello doesn't smile back. "I'm just wondering what you said to him that made him give that much of a damn about you. Even if you'd been playing mind games and making sure you didn't leave marks, I don't think you'd have been able to Stockholm Syndrome him _that_ quickly."

Gevanni swallows. He doesn't really want to explain all the early lies. Besides, Mikami _knows_ now that they were lies. Why would they still have any sway over him? "I'm not sure I know myself what I said to him. He's confused. We talked a bit... I tried to reassure him things would be okay..."

"Why exactly?"

"Because I needed him to trust me so he wouldn't make a break for it?" 

"Sure, sure." Mello is still watching him. "I mean, if it had been me, I probably would've left him for Yagami to scoop up. He wouldn't want information about the notebook getting out either, so he'd get in there fast. There's nothing Mikami could give to Yagami except the eye deal, and that's not much, Yagami knows all the names and faces he needs. And then, when we take Kira down, that means Yagami, Takada and Mikami all get it. In some way. It's not like Mikami would cut and run. Hell, if he did, Yagami would kill him to make sure he didn't give up any information."

"Hey... you're the genius round here." Gevanni wants to smile again, but he's kind of forgotten how. "I guess I panicked when Rester told me what was going on." Why the hell is he feeling like he's got something to hide? It's not like he's promised Mikami anything he has no intention of delivering on, or has given the impression he's going to switch sides, or whatever. Why does he feel like Mello's about to find out something Gevanni really doesn't want him to know? 

"Locked solid, huh? Kept going on the last order you'd been given?"

"I... I guess." Maybe it's just Mello's naturally intimidating demeanour. Maybe he just makes every conversation feel like an interrogation. In which case Gevanni should stop letting himself get knocked off-balance so easily, because no doubt that's exactly what Mello wants.

"And I suppose you _had_ been spending weeks following him around. It must've felt natural by then."

"I... yeah, I suppose so. Uh... no offence, but is this going anywhere? I know I was dumb, but that's why I'm not the one coming up with the plans."

"Just trying to work out what you're loyal to," Mello says, straightening up, staring down at him. "It'd be a kick in the teeth if it turned out to be Mikami. You know. _He saved my life so I owe him._ Some shit like that."

Gevanni wishes Mello hadn't phrased it quite like that. It makes it sound like Gevanni was calculatedly kind to Mikami in order to assure himself of an ally. Which, in a small way, he was, but - not like it sounds, not in a cruel way. Hell, considering what Kira's already done to him, Mikami owes _him_ for not seeking any kind of retribution. The whole saving-of-life thing just makes them even.

He snorts. "Look - I'm loyal to _me,_ to not having a fatal heart attack before I'm thirty. And of course I want Kira to get what's coming to him. Because if he doesn't, I don't want to think about what kind of world we're going to end up in. Does that reassure you?"

Mello stares at him for a few seconds more, his eyes pale and empty, slivers of light from around the boards reflected in them. Gevanni feels like he said way too much and like Mello's picking it apart for clues even now, but all he can do is keep his mouth shut.

"I need you to sound Mikami out," Mello says at last. "Find out how sane and predictable he is before we start taking further steps."

Gevanni considers that _sane,_ at least, is not a word he would have applied to the Mikami he's been with in the last few days, and that _predictable_ isn't the no-brainer it might once have been. "Well... I'm happy to talk to him. Is that all you meant?"

"Yeah. Go and be nice to him. Make like you're concerned about him, but the bastard in the black is putting pressure on you to follow his orders. You're wavering, okay? You could plausibly either help him escape or break your little truce. We're going to need him to fortuitously escape and pass on some key details to Kira."

 _There._ The faint twist in his stomach, the sign that he's not thinking like an agent, he's thinking like... _him._ Like Stephen Loud, getting worked up over something he's only emotionally involved in; not like Gevanni, focusing on the mission. He keeps his face blank - Mello's watching him, clearly looking for a reaction - but already the silence has grown too long, already it's obvious he doesn't like the plan.

"You... you think he's going to go back to Kira?" he says at last. "I mean... he's pretty confused. And... I've kind of spent the last few days convincing him not to."

"I'm not asking you to do the convincing," Mello says. "Just talk to him, because for whatever reason he hasn't put you in the _sinners who deserve to burn in fiery hell_ box in his head."

"Yeah, I know, it's just... mentally, he wasn't too stable to begin with. Seems a little harsh to trigger a nervous breakdown in him. Or, you know, place him in a position where he'll get talked into giving up half his lifespan again."

"What seems _harsh_ to me," Mello says, "is that the guy whose orders you were following has got killed off at the age of eighteen because Kira's followers can gun down anyone they want without any fears of repercussion. Or that his right-hand man's been locked up without trial and no doubt they're having a great time seeing how many times they can make him crack. Or that some housewife's had her kids' lives threatened in order to make her betray her husband live on TV." His voice doesn't rise, but his eyes are slitted and he is perfectly still. "Mikami went to Kira rallies. He wanted the bastard to notice him. It's not my fault he doesn't like what he wished for."

It's the guilt-tripping which makes Gevanni say, fake-calmly, "It isn't him who killed Near, you know. Or L... or your friend in the red car."

For a moment he thinks Mello is going to, at the very least, punch him, if not do something more creative like break his fingers. But then the guy glances away, and the sense of mentally being in the sight of a sniper rifle fades a little. 

"Hey," Mello says at last. "If you've got any suggestions about how _else_ we can feed them information without making it look ridiculously obvious, do share them. Or are you just pissed off your dramatic rescue was in vain?" 

"I just..."

"Whatever. All I'm asking you to do is talk to him. You'd want to do that anyway, right? Seeing as you're so concerned for his welfare? So if you feel _up to it_ , perhaps you could do it now. I don't think any of us are enjoying the whole squatting in abandoned buildings thing."

There isn't really a way to say no to this, so Gevanni nods. "Right." Actually, it's probably better to get it over with. Otherwise he'll have time to think about it. He gets to his feet - the wound throbs like a marble trapped under his skin - and limps over to the door. "Are you going to show me where you left him?"

Mello nods, elbows the door open, starts stalking down the corridor. Gevanni's instincts want him to keep quiet and let sleeping dogs lie, but a mix of curiosity and the urge to prove he's not scared of Mello makes him say, "Can I ask... why are you in this? Who are you loyal to?"

"You really are an idiot, aren't you. Kira killed L. What the fuck else would I be doing with my time?" 

"Right... sure."

"Besides... I'm technically the new L. As of January 28th. May as well finish the job the old one started." He stops by a heavy-looking, pockmarked door, starts unlocking it. "I'll come back in half an hour, okay? Seeing as you've spent so much time with him, this'll probably feel like home to you."

He's already raising a gun as he opens the door, calls inside, "Stay back against the wall. That's it. Got a visitor for you."

Gevanni squints at the room beyond, but all he can make out is a few hairline cracks of grey sky in the blackness. "You've kept him locked up in the dark?"

"Yeah, because I didn't want to get brained by a torch later on." Mello rolls his eyes. "There's a boarded-up window, all right? Your eyes'll adjust, now get a move on, for god's sake."

Gevanni wants to point out it's not that he's bothered by the dark so much that he suspects it won't have done Mikami's sanity much good, but he's probably tried Mello's patience enough already. So he shrugs, like it really isn't a big deal, and walks into the room. Mikami is standing under the tiny window, head slumped. The door slams behind Gevanni, and he hears it lock. Mikami twitches a little. 

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Gevanni wonders how exactly to go into this. _Just talk to him,_ Mello said, but that _isn't_ all it is. Mikami will want to know whose side Gevanni's on. Or maybe he won't, maybe he'll assume Gevanni is trustworthy, right before Gevanni points him in the direction of Kira again. 

He's still going over the stuff Mello said. He doesn't think he just got stuck on a _stay close to Mikami_ setting like he's some kind of robot, but it's true that if he'd been thinking straight, he probably would've ditched the guy. Hell, he had a ton of opportunities to do that. So what was it? It helped the case, but not that much. It wasn't revenge, he made sure of that, so - what? Trying to kid himself he was doing something useful? Like he'd got something to make up? In which case, why isn't he jumping at the chance to help now? 

Oh, for god's sake, he can analyse his motives later.

"How are you?" he says at last. His eyes haven't adjusted properly yet; Mikami is just a silhouette. Gevanni doesn't like not being able to see his face. Perhaps he's decided his earlier assistance was an aberration, and is readying himself to dive across the room and strangle his former travelling companion. 

But Mikami doesn't move. He just swallows - dry-sounding mouth - and says, his voice hoarse, "I thought you wouldn't be here."

"I would've come to see you earlier," Gevanni says, trying to keep his voice quiet and calm. "But I wasn't feeling so good."

"You were ill." Abruptly, Mikami slumps down onto the floor, back against the wall. "I thought you were going to die." 

Gevanni comes to sit next to him. The floor is cold and dusty. "I don't know. It could have just been a cold." His eyes are adjusting a little more now. It looks like they might be in an old storage room, a cupboard; there are a few shelves welded to the walls. It smells of dirt and damp. "I'm all right now... my leg just hurts a bit, is all." He hears his voice echo stupidly round the small space. (Let him talk.) But he finds himself wanting to fill the silence, something he hardly ever feels the need to do. He chokes down another banal sentence about his health, and looks round the room again. Now he sees that the walls are... mottled, marked with mould, perhaps, or...

"I know I said..." Mikami's voice trails off. "But I wasn't trying to die. It was to atone."

"What are you talking about?"

Mikami fumbles with his sleeves, pulls them up, then grabs at Gevanni's hand, presses the palm to his wrist. There's dampness and the raised, torn edge of cuts.

"Mikami..."

"Just to make it better!" Mikami wails. "To make it real. It was _dark_ and I couldn't see his face! You said it was about writing down names, all of you. I thought that might bring it back! That might make it better!"

Gevanni squints at the marks on the walls. Smears of Japanese characters jump out at him in the dim light. Perhaps luckily, it's too dark to be able to work out what any of the names are. He takes a deep breath and his thoughts start playing over and over _the key thing is not to get emotionally involved - the key thing is to remain detached_ \- he makes a half-hearted effort to be angry, to think _he didn't kill my sister but he might as well have done, he would have done given half a chance_ but of course that doesn't do a thing to stop the unease, the sense that the darkness is touching the back of his neck. _This is something useful. If you want to generalise, think of it as avenging her or whatever. No one would blame you -_

"It didn't break the truce," Mikami says, firmly, as if saying something enough will make it true. "It didn't."

"No. No, of course it didn't. Just... try not to do it again? It won't help -"

"I want to go home," Mikami cuts in. "You said I could if I wanted to."

"Yeah, I know, but..." he swallows. It's not like he can say _sure, I'll talk to Mello._ They should at least try not making it blindingly obvious to Yagami what they're trying to do. And if this conversation is telling Gevanni anything, it's that Mikami isn't going to be able to be trusted with the truth of their plan. "I can't... we can't do that right now." (God, try and sound convincing.) "It's no safer than it was before -"

"I don't care!" Mikami yells it. "This is a bad place! You must know that. You know everything else -" He dives forward; Gevanni feels fingers clutch at his shirt front. Mikami smells of sweat, blood. "Why can't you help me? I helped you. I led myself into sin to stop you dying - I willingly went with _him_ \- I could have - I should have let you die -"

"Mikami -"

You were an evil one all along!" Mikami is shuddering - he gasps for breath, a torn, choking sound. "I followed you and you promised me friendship and you led me into the dark! Why was I so _blind?_ " He is screaming now and Gevanni can feel the breaths on his face, bloodstains seeping through his shirt, and before he can think he's grabbed at Mikami's hands, wrenched him away. Mikami falls back against the wall - Gevanni flung him harder than he meant to - and curls up, whimpering. His head slumps, his tangled hair hiding his face.

"I haven't lied to you," Gevanni says. He meant it to sound calm, but it comes out defensive, bitter. "The stuff I told you when we agreed the truce - that was all true. I know Mello's treating you badly. He's..." He stops, trying to think where to go with this. _I am your friend. I mean it this time. You can trust me._ "He's angry with Kira, and... and he -"

"He gives into it," Mikami says, his voice hoarse. "He hates and he gives into the hate."

"Well... yeah. But he's got a place for me to hide and he helped fix me up and make me well. I have to work with him."

"Are you scared to die?" says Mikami, abruptly.

"I... well, yeah... I mean, most people are, aren't they, when it comes down to it?" He's babbling. "I don't want to have to die if it's at all avoidable, if that's what you mean."

"You back down against evil because you're scared to die," Mikami says, suddenly calm, like he can see into Gevanni's head. "You let people get hurt because you want to stay alive."

Gevanni finds himself wondering whether he's really angry or whether he's choosing to get mad, just to make himself feel a bit less guilty. Whichever reason it is, he makes no effort to stay calm, to be the rational one. He stares at Mikami and, letting his voice sound as contemptuous as possible, says, "Yeah, of course, that's why I joined an organisation hunting _Kira,_ who kills everyone who tries to find out about him. Because I was scared. Yeah. Sure. Ever occur to you maybe I was trying to stop people getting hurt? Ever occur to you how many families you've left mourning with all the people you killed?" Mikami tries to speak but Gevanni carries on, enjoying for once not having to watch every word he says, "You kid yourself you were protecting the weak but screw that, you and Kira just did it to make yourselves feel powerful and idiots like us dared to call you on it. And for your information? I don't owe you a thing. You tried to kill me, back at that warehouse. Although I guess you forgot that, too."

He stops, and he's high on speaking his mind but under that his chest is tight with unease and guilt at what effect his words might actually have had. It isn't like Mikami's not already miserable enough. And he wants to apologise, already he wants to build bridges and go back to all the lying and at the same time he wants just to say it, _you killed my sister, you fucking bastard, you should count yourself lucky I'm not here beating the shit out of you myself,_ even if it's not true, none of it's true but somehow that's stopped mattering -

Mikami draws a deep, sobbing breath.

"I didn't know," he says at last, miserably. "I... I know I should have seen, but I just didn't know!"

Gevanni wonders if he _did_ blurt out something about Louise without realising but the next second Mikami has bowed, low, his forehead touching the ground inches from Gevanni's knees, and has whispered, "God, please - forgive me -"

(This is -)

"No," Gevanni says, and the fever feels like it's come back, his skin sprouting a million thorns of hot and cold. This is - it was bad enough faking friendship, let alone - 

_Look, he could be praying, don't jump to conclusions, talk about megalomania_ \- and he says, "Look... I'm sorry. I was saying stuff I didn't mean -"

"You came back from the dead." Mikami's eyes are shining; he's digging his teeth into his lower lip. "You were dying and now you've returned. It was _meant_ that I helped you! It wasn't it wasn't a sin at all, you were warning me against a false god! I know I did not realise quickly enough but... but I did help, that... that counts, surely? Please, anything I can do to atone, just tell me -"

"Mikami -" Gevanni's throat aches. "Listen, all right? I'm not..."

(Hey, wouldn't this come in useful? It isn't like it _is_ revenge. He needs something to believe in. He always has -)

"You don't need to talk like this," he says, at last.

Mikami stares at him, face open and hurt. Then he swallows and a dull blankness, a crude mock-up of the professional demeanour he used to wear, slides over his face. "I understand." His voice is still shaking a bit. "You don't wish me to reveal your true self. I understand. But - tell me what you want me to do?"

(See? Perfect opportunity)

Gevanni swallows, opens his mouth without having any idea what he's going to say.

"Don't... don't hurt yourself," he begins, figuring that can't be a bad start. "And no more writing names."

Mikami nods. "A... an aberration. Won't... never again."

"Just... keep yourself safe. I'll... I'll try and come to talk to you. Mello will be probably be unpleasant, but I won't... I won't let him hurt you."

"I know that you won't. Not now I know you." Mikami shifts onto his knees and before Gevanni can stop him he's bowed low again. Gevanni feels his stomach lurch and for a moment this feels like one of the dreams he had while they were driving back to Tokyo, the world shaking and full of whispering about Kira and murder and Mikami watching him with his hands covered in blood -

"I have to go now," he manages to say, struggling to his feet. His injured leg feels as heavy as the rest of him combined and almost buckles underneath him as he stumbles to the door, thumps on it, calls Mello's name. Mikami sits with his back to the wall, knees to his chest, a smile settled on his face.

***

"He's really ill," Gevanni says, fifteen minutes later. He managed not to throw up on or collapse at Mello's feet, but the world is still rippling slightly and everyone is looking at him like they expect him to cause problems for them at any moment.

"That wasn't what I asked." Mello is sprawled across the sofa, feet resting on its arm. His right thumb traces one of the ridges of scarred skin on his face. Gevanni finds himself watching the movement like the rhythm of it will somehow fix everything. "I asked, how much use is he going to be?"

"He's _always_ seemed ill," Ide says. He and Aizawa and Matsuda are clustered together by the table; Lidner leans on the back of the sofa, the set of her features echoing Mello's.

"He's going to pieces. He was writing... writing things on the wall in his blood. He thought..."

He trails off. If he says _he thinks I'm God,_ Mello will make him talk Mikami into switching sides, and that's _fine,_ he's already done that once, it's just, it's just - why does it feel like more of a lie now?

"Mikami is our only chance of surviving this, at the moment." Mello's arm drops; he leans on it, rolling onto his side, and stares straight at Gevanni, another one of those pale-eyed gazes. "I'd like to know if we can actually rely on him at _all_ or if I need to come up with a new plan before we hand Kira the murder notebook. So stop holding out on me."

Gevanni swallows. "He thinks I'm his god."

Silence for a second. Outside it sounds as if it's raining harder; the windows are rattling behind their boards. A crow caws, some distance away. Mello gives a short, flat laugh. "I knew there was a reason I kept you alive."

"Why does he think that?" Matsuda says quietly, looking up at Gevanni.

"I don't know. Because he's been under a hell of a lot of stress and fixed on me as someone who gives a damn about him?" Gevanni snaps it out, knowing Matsuda will take it as an attack on him, and sure enough, the other man drops his gaze, hunches over again. (Grow up.) 

"How fucking noble," Mello says. "I'm sure your primary concern has been his welfare rather than yours ever since you came to Japan. Now can you stop being so holier-than-thou and tell us whether he's any _use_?"

"Unless you're no longer committed to sorting this out," Lidner says coolly.

Her voice sours the anger that was building up in Gevanni's chest, turns it into resentful embarrassment. (Get a grip.) 

"I don't know," he says at last. "If I tell him what's going on, what we need him to do, Yagami could probably get it out of him -"

"Even though he's transferred his allegiance to you?" Aizawa frowns. "He didn't seem the betraying type. Near even commented on it -"

"Yeah, but that was _before_ he went nuts," Mello says, scowling. "And if Gevanni's managed to get him to switch his loyalty just by being nice to him, it can be switched back."

"Raito will know that," Matsuda says, still staring at his hands. 

"But... if he's not loyal to Raito," Ide says, "then he's not likely to go to him and tell him where the thing he wants is hidden."

"He will if he thinks his god has abandoned him." Mello grins up at the grimy ceiling. "He might well head back to Takada if he thinks that's happened, at least." He looks back. "Don't you think, Gevanni?"

The others are all looking at him. 

"What, you want me to go back to him and tell him I reject everything he stands for and the truce is off?" he manages to say.

"You _do_ reject everything he stands for," Lidner says. "Unless you've become a fan of legalised vigilanteism in the last few days."

"We need to be more subtle than that," Mello says. "We let him go back to Kira, he'll be asked what's happened to him. It'd be nice if it wasn't immediately obvious what we're trying to do."

"So what _should_ we do?" Ide looks tired of the conversation. Gevanni can sympathise. His head aches, and everything seems too close.

Mello takes a bite of chocolate, chews, seemingly intent on savouring the flavour. Eventually, when his mouth's empty again, he says, "Gevanni's going to see he's onto a good thing. You know? He's going to keep talking to Mikami. Work out how far he's willing to go for us, how much he knows about Kira. He's good at that, aren't you?" 

Gevanni keeps his face blank, watches Mello. His heart's thumping like he's about to go into a fight. Which he might well be.

"What's... what's he going to say to him?" Matsuda asks.

"Doesn't matter. His leg wound's going to start giving him trouble again. I mean, there's only so much you can do with stolen drugs and ex-Mafia medical skills. He won't be able to see Mikami as much as he'd like. So I'll take over." He smiles, a quick, sharp smile like a wound opening up. "And I don't like Mikami. He helped kill Near, didn't he? That was meant to be my job if it was anyone's."

Gevanni swallows. "You're not going to -"

"I'm going to weaken his faith in you," Mello says, coldly now. "I'm a _bad thing_ you're not saving him from. Then... when it's time, one of you lot -" He waves a hand at the task force. "You can screw up and let him escape. Oops. Kira should find that believable."

Silence for a second. It's still raining. 

"You know the kind of thing they're doing to Rester," Mello says, staring straight at Gevanni. "You've got a better plan for getting him out?" 

Gevanni stares back at him and hears himself say, fake-calm, just like the high school kid who thought nothing could touch him, "I'm happy to talk to Mikami further, and if you prevent me from speaking to him I guess I go along with that. If I do, how about you get off this revenge kick? It's not the same as justice, or did L not teach you that bit?"

He really expects Mello to level a gun at his face. But Mello doesn't. He only looks at Gevanni, and smiles, and says, "Hey... all I need is your agreement. You're the important bit here. So if you're good to go, then... we're good to go."

It feels like everyone breathes out, but perhaps that's just Gevanni's own sigh of relief seeming so horribly loud. The next second, of course, reality catches up with him. All he's done is make an effort to distance himself from any cruelty that might go on, remind everyone he doesn't condone it, it wasn't his idea. He'll still be comforting Mikami, leading the other man to depend on him, and then agreeing to disappear when he's told. He tries to tell himself that this way he can help, that if he opts out then Mello will just come up with a new plan, but it doesn't make him feel much better.


	10. Wavering

10 - Wavering

Matsuda's never been very good at waiting. That's why he watches TV so much, because a lot of the time you're hanging around waiting for someone like Raito or Ryuzaki to tell you what to do, or for some data to load, or you're just kind of bored of looking through loads of files. 

The waiting right now is much worse than that, of course. There are so many things that could go wrong, and he can't do anything to stop any of them because he isn't doing anything important in this plan except maybe deliberately screwing up, later. And it still feels like everyone else is ignoring him. Even Gevanni, though Gevanni's probably worrying about the plan too. He didn't look happy earlier. Matsuda feels kind of glad that there's someone else who feels kind of bad about themselves, even though Gevanni's got far less of a reason to do so.

Mello and Lidner aren't here; Gevanni is, standing by one of the windows, idly drumming his fingers against it. Aizawa and Ide are talking in one of the far corners. Matsuda bets they're talking about him, but they're keeping their voices low and the words are drowned out by the sound of the radio, turned right down, music distant as if it's coming from a house several doors down. It makes Matsuda think of long dull Sunday afternoons when he was a kid, when there was no one to hang out with and all he had to do was homework that he didn't understand. But he stays in that memory anyway, his mind wandering through bored channel-hopping, old movies and sport stuff that he used to wonder if _anyone_ watched, and the pale grey sky glowing in the screen. And from another part of the house, the constant beat of his brother's radio - 

The phone rings, right next to him on the table. He doesn't really think about it. (Well, he does. He thinks about how if he just waited for someone else to answer, he'd be agreeing with them and how they think he's useless, not even capable of answering a phone. But maybe that's later, when he's rationalising it.)

He picks it up, mind feeling very clear and empty, and hits Answer. "Hello?"

"Is that Matsuda?"

It's Raito, of _course_ it is. Matsuda feels like everything else is rushing away from him and there's only Raito's voice, heavy and warm on his face.

"Yeah," he manages to say. "I mean - yes, yes it is. What do you want?"

"How are you?" Raito's voice is light, friendly. He's always been able to talk like that, even when he was still in high school, he always sounded _polite_ \- and suddenly Matsuda remembers him screaming and cursing and hunched over with the blood pouring from his hand and then, then the spatters on the walls are back. 

"Matsuda?" Raito says, softly.

"I - I'm fine. I'm fine!"

Gevanni's hurried out of the room, probably to find Mello and Lidner; Aizawa and Ide have dashed over and Aizawa is already making _give me the phone_ gestures. Matsuda pretends he hasn't seen. 

"That's good," Raito says. There's a hint like he's laughing, now, like he knows how not-fine Matsuda is. He'd be pleased, wouldn't he? Matsuda shot him, for goodness sake. "I had a message for you all, actually. I thought you'd like to know I've spoken to Takada and convinced her to... go along with your demands."

"That's - that's good. Thank -" Matsuda bites off the end of the sentence.

"She's not particularly happy about it, as I'm sure you can imagine. She takes her position as Kira's spokeswoman very seriously, and it's extremely upsetting for her to be forced into using it to spread lies. But we want to be able to continue making the world a better place, so we've had to accept your demands on this occasion. She'll be airing her retraction tomorrow morning, on News at Seven." 

"Good." Oh, god, they're supposed to be making plans, aren't they, setting up a meeting. _Think, you idiot, think!_ "So... we'll meet a week from today then? If - if you guys don't take it back in the meantime. The - the TV stuff, I mean."

"I think that's what Aizawa was suggesting," Raito says. "So that would be February 9th. In the Yellow Box Warehouse. Shall we say one p.m. again? That seemed to work quite well last time, didn't it?"

"Sure. I'll... I'll tell Aizawa. He can call you if there's anything else he wants to say."

"And then what will happen?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, Matsuda," Raito says, still with that edge of laughter in his voice. "You really haven't thought ahead very far, have you? Haven't you realised that everyone despises you for what you've done?"

The air seems to grow thin suddenly, like it does when you're really angry, but Matsuda doesn't feel angry, just numb, _it's not true, it's not really true, it can't be_ -

"Do you really think the NPA will want you back?" Raito says. "They'll have to prosecute you. Isn't that what you're fighting for? A legal system that doesn't let anyone get away? And besides, Aizawa and Ide and Mogi have always been so sure that they're on the moral high ground. When it comes down to it, they'll do the right thing, they'll ensure that anyone they deem a criminal is judged through a court of law. But courts don't understand the human feeling behind it all, do they?"

Matsuda tries to speak. He tries to say something like _leave me alone, this isn't important,_ but he can't get the words out. Raito carries on, "No court would listen to you when you tried to explain that you were just scared. Or that you're not a bad person. And you set yourself against Kira a long time ago." He laughs. It's almost nervous, as if he's not sure whether Matsuda will get the joke. "So what are you going to do?"

"I'm..." His heart is pounding, the beat sticking in his throat. "I'm going to..."

"Go on the run?" Raito says. "Ally yourself with the criminals?" He snorts. "I'd like to see that happen."

Matsuda wants to scream at him to shut up but he can't give away to Ide and Aizawa what's being talked about. He swallows and tries to speak but there aren't any words. For a moment, Raito is silent too, but then, all at once, he says, "Kira punishes those who deserve it, Matsuda. But he spares those who show they're loyal. Those who repent. Those fools you're taking orders from? They're all just doing it to assuage their egos. I would have said that you are, too, if it wasn't for the fact that destroying Kira will get you jailed for life, if not executed -"

It's another moment of not-thinking. Matsuda slams the phone shut, and the voice is gone, it's just him and Aizawa and Ide and the silence - 

"What did he say?" Aizawa says at last.

Matsuda swallows. When he starts to speak, it's okay. He thought even speaking would send everything crashing down but it doesn't, it's _okay_ \- "Taki - Takada will... she'll say it tomorrow morning. News at Seven. Then... then we'll meet on the 9th. At one o'clock, like... like before, and..."

"And?"

"That's it."

"No, it's not," Ide says. "You were on the phone for much longer."

"He was just... saying stuff. About how... how we thought we were so great and now... now we're complete losers. You know what he's like." He stares at them both, trying to look blank and unassuming. Aizawa scowls: "Typical." Ide doesn't look so convinced, but Matsuda doesn't look at him. "He said you can call him back if there's more you want to say," he says to Aizawa. "So you can... you can do that if... if you want. I'm going to..." He's stumbling towards the door, pushing past Mello and Gevanni and Lidner, who've just come in - Mello snarls something at him but he doesn't care - and then he's out in the corridor. No light in here. Dusty air; a sliver on the floor from the window at the end. 

"Matsuda -" 

The door swings open - a blast of warmer air, then it closes. Matsuda wants to keep walking, maybe call back something sardonic and uncaring like _why do you keep wanting to follow me_ or whatever, but if he speaks the words will stick in his throat, he'll sound croaky and like he's trying not to cry. And if he just walks without speaking, he'll look like he's sulking. So he stops, digging his nails into his palms and wishing he could be like all the others here and just act a bit pissed off if someone was a jerk.

Except that it isn't just that _Raito was being a jerk._ Raito's got a point, after all; how can Matsuda be fighting for proper rules and laws and then turning round and saying he doesn't want them to apply to him? And he _has_ to keep fighting, he made his choice, he made it so damn obvious how much he hated Kira and how much he wanted Raito dead and now he's - now he'll get what he wishes and if that dooms him too then it's his own fault, isn't it? 

"What did he say?" Ide has stopped, isn't that far down the corridor - he sounds truculent, like he's determined to prove Matsuda's deliberately lying to him.

"He was just... being... being crazy." Matsuda makes himself say it. The words sound like someone else is speaking them. "You know, because he _is_ and all. It freaked me out."

"Right." A few hesitant steps closer, and then Ide is standing behind him. "Well... you should tell us things like that. Really you should have let us listen to the call, connected up the phone again. It's important we know how he's acting."

"I _know_ that." Matsuda swallows. "He just said..." 

And he's too hot suddenly, and all the fear and fury is curling itself into the centre of his chest and why the hell _should_ he tell Ide anything, it's not like Ide can do much about it, all that would happen is another lecture on how stupid Matsuda is -

"He just said how his dad would've... would've thought badly of us. It... made me mad."

"He's a lunatic," Ide says, and he sounds scornful, like he's bought the lie, and Matsuda risks looking round at him. Their eyes meet and Ide clears his throat and carries on, shifting his gaze away, "The Chief wouldn't be thinking badly of _us,_ and he knows that. He just doesn't want to face it."

"Yeah. I guess."

"I'm not surprised it got to you, though." Ide glances at him again. He is speaking a little too loudly. "To actually trot out a line like that... it's disgusting."

Matsuda shrugs, and is turning away again when Ide says, very quickly, "About what I said before -"

"You were right." Oh, so now Ide's going to start giving one of those I'm-sorry-but-it-really-was-kind-of-your-fault apologies? Because you can't really hate someone so incompetent? "I need to get some guts."

"I..."

"Look, I could use some - some time on my own. Clear my head -" and he forces a grin, and then makes himself walk away and Ide just says, a bit hopelessly, "Right," and then the corridor is bending round and Matsuda's finally on his own and he just walks, through the dark, dusty building, and he feels shaken and sick and like he wants to hit something but under all that there's a bit of hope, like someone's showing him a way out at last.

***

Misa hasn't been able to sleep all night. She used to be really good at getting to sleep in unfamiliar places. She even managed to sleep a little when they thought she was Kira and had her tied up in the dark, although that was always kind of scary because you forgot whether you had your eyes open, and what was a dream and what had really happened. A lot of the time, she dreamt about getting out of there.

Anyway, there's no need to think about that right now.

This room isn't very nice. The sheets are itchy and the carpet doesn't fit right, there are patches of linoleum underneath. The room is small and draughty and outside the view is onto a yard lined with bins. She can hear voices calling, clatters, the hum of vehicles. It's not _romantic._ It's not anything else, either, it's not scary or strange or cruel. It's like life was before she went to look for Kira, when she was waiting for that man to be tried. Everything was nasty. Everything's nasty now except that there's someone to hold on to, and even then that doesn't feel quite enough any more.

Maybe it's just what Mochi said to her. Maybe it's soured all the memories of Raito she has. Another way he's hurt her. He worries about that, that he's hurting her by sleeping with her; she can tell. Sometimes she wants to scream at him that he's hurt her already, differently, he's lied and tricked and _made her come back here_ (although _here_ is fading behind them now, like a sign in a car mirror). Other times she wants to cling to him and tell him she loves him and try and pretend to both of them that this is all she needs. That it doesn't _matter_ if she never gets back to Raito, never sees him again. She knows Mochi wants her to feel that - either because then he'll get to be her boyfriend instead (seems weird thinking of him being anyone's _boyfriend,_ he's too serious for that word) or because he really does think Raito is dangerous. Misa doesn't know what she thinks about the second possibility. Sometimes she knows it's not true. Sometimes she knows that even if it _were_ true, it doesn't matter, because she can't go on without Raito and when she thinks about keeping walking through life with him gone she would rather be dead. Sometimes...

The third _sometimes_ is hard to hear and she often ends up crying when she tries to listen to it. 

But Mochi can't expect her just to shrug, accept her fiance lied to her, and _move on,_ can he? He's got to understand that Misa needs to _talk_ to Raito. But they both know she can only do that through Kiyomi, and they both know that will get them killed.

It's early morning - still very dark. They're both awake; she's lying in his arms, and they're waiting for the news to come on. He's dozing again, which is probably good, because Misa is pretty sure she would make a move on him again if they were talking and then they'd take even longer to get out of the hotel. She can't help it. When they're together like that she feels like _her,_ and furiously pleased with herself. Raito will be so angry. Hey, he might actually hurt a little. He might be the one asking for reassurance for once. And even when she wavers on that she can comfort Mochi instead. Tell him that they'll sort things out, that they'll teach Kiyomi a lesson, that Matsu and the others are going to be fine. She puts as much effort in as if it were Raito she's talking to. And Mogi, unlike Raito, doesn't shout at her or tell her she's being stupid. He smiles tiredly and strokes her hair (still carefully, as if he thinks she'll suddenly change her mind).

Mochi is different from Raito. Raito would sometimes make her feel good because he wanted to be the best, and... he _was,_ of course (but there was something else to it, to the two of them together, that she can't remember) and other times he just wouldn't care; if she begged and pleaded and wore him down he would fuck her and it would be quick and painful and - and there was something she told herself, something that meant this didn't matter, and she can't remember that either - maybe it's just that she loves him enough she doesn't care, but if that's the case, why doesn't she just _know_ it? Why does it feel like she's missing something? 

Was it him being Kira? 

But if it was, then why doesn't everything make sense?

Some chat show is on right now. Misa's watched it on and off for months, always on her own, in hotels while on shoots or in the apartment, sprawled across the sofa and revelling in the place being task force-free for a bit. She never lay in Raito's arms watching it. They never did that with any TV except the news. Then he'd let her cuddle him, kiss his neck even, because...

Well, they were doing something together. Actually, if he were Kira all that time, he probably felt pretty pleased watching the news, such a lot of it being about him. He probably liked seeing her take an interest.

This is all guessing, though. She can't actually remember whether Raito asked her to watch the news, or whether she suggested it, or whether they just fell into the habit. She can't even remember them ever talking about it. She lives for moments of coupledom, of her and Raito being together, so why can't she remember them?

She sighs, and Mochi touches her shoulder. She makes herself smile up at him - "Don't worry! Misa's fine -" but the question nags at her, still. Did Raito act all happy when they talked about Kira? Did he expect Misa to notice? Perhaps that's why he went to Takada this time. Perhaps she'd been so blind that he assumed she would simply pretend this wasn't happening.

That stuff Fuyumi said, behind Misa's back. About Misa not being able to see the truth. Misa knows it's _not_ true, but - but what if it's how she comes across? Even Mochi kept secrets from her, thought she couldn't cope with knowing the real story. Hopefully _he_ sees how strong she really is. But she wishes she actually felt strong. 

Doesn't matter. He doesn't have to know how scared she is. She's just as good as him at putting on a brave face. She raises her chin a little and squeezes his hand and makes herself focus on the TV instead of her thoughts. They're just finishing interviewing some star about her divorce. She's crying prettily, saying how sad it is that this has happened during the month of February. They make a joke about how it's a shame they didn't get past White Day. Misa remembers, idly, as if it's a fact about someone she used to know years before, that it's Raito's birthday this month. She doesn't want to think about what she'll do if all this is still going on then. 

"Now, now, Harumi-chan, you're not the only one who thinks they'll be feeling lonely on Valentine's Day!" The presenter turns to the camera, and starts going on about other couples who have broken up. Misa wants to flick the channel, the last thing she wants to hear about is other people's failed relationships, but she's going to put on a brave face, she can't let Mochi see how much she hates this. So she keeps listening to all the failures. He's been seen leaving a love hotel with another girl. She has asked for a divorce. She has been too busy in her new film career. He has run off with his accountant's wife. It matches the cigarette burns on the sheet, the way the bathroom door doesn't close properly. 

"And lastly, what about backout queen Misa-Misa? No one's seen her since she failed to turn up for the New Year's celebrations on NHN. A close friend of hers revealed that she and her fiance, an office worker, have been having problems, and now he doesn't even know where she is!"

Mogi starts, leans forward. Lucky he does, really. Misa would probably figure she'd dozed off. Or was going mad for real, imagining the TV talking to her -

"Exactly," the other presenter says. "Our source said that all the husband-to-be wants is for Misa-Misa to call him and tell him where she is and who she's with. We were told, and I quote, 'he's really worried that she's in trouble with the police, or that she's forgotten how much he loves her. All he needs is for her to do the right thing and call him.' Although I wonder, will he still be so happy if she tells him she's run away with a new man?

"We'll continue to bring you all the top gossip as soon as we hear it!"

And then they just start going on about bad make-up choices like nothing's happened.

Misa feels like someone's dumped a pile of snow on her head. Raito is - Raito never forgot her, he's been looking, all this time, he - 

She is wriggling round to face Mogi, desperate to rejoice with _someone,_ but of course he's not smiling. He's watching her warily, and - of course he must be terrified that she'll run off and betray him to NHN right away. And then - like a punch - 

Of _course_ Raito doesn't mean it. It's Kiyomi, trying to track her down.

She bites her lip and she feels so stupid and she almost turns away from Mochi, hides her face so she can cry. But she can't quite let him see how hopeful she was, and how disappointed she is now. 

"Guess... guess NHN have started to look for me, right?" she manages to say. Her voice is croaky. 

He nods. "They haven't reported you as a fugitive, though. If..." He swallows, and glances away from her for a moment. "If you want to keep on going as we are, then we can probably get away with it a bit longer."

Misa doesn't know what she _wants._ What she wants is to be - is to be back with Raito and for none of this to have happened. To be back with Raito and... and for him to hug her and stroke her hair and tell her how much he loves her. And for Mochi to... to...

"If I didn't do anything, right... she'd probably just keep... keep playing the message?" She can feel herself blushing. All at once she doesn't want to talk about this any more. She wants to kiss Mochi and duck under the covers and touch him and make herself - make them _both_ feel really happy and sort of hope that the decision will have sorted itself out without her afterwards. How can she know what to do? (It could be Raito. It could, and if she just doesn't do anything... will he think she's angry with him? That she's changed sides? Will that be _it?_ )

"Yes. But if you don't respond to it, I imagine they'd assume that... well, that I was with you and had convinced you of..." His voice trails off, and Misa feels his arm slide off of her, like he's suddenly realised anew that he's in bed with someone else's fiancee. "Or at least that I was preventing you from watching TV. They... might start accusing you of being against Kira too."

"Are you... are you saying I should call NHN, then?" Misa makes herself giggle. All at once she can't keep looking at Mogi. "That doesn't sound like one of your best ideas."

"I don't know. You may... you may decide you'd like to separate. Or... you might choose to... to..." He stops again. Misa really can't look at him now. What's she supposed to say? She never said - she never promised Mogi that -

What if Raito really _doesn't_ \- 

"I have to know," she hears herself say.

She can hear his puzzled silence, and she carries on, clenching her fists, making herself say what she thinks and only that - no giggling, no pretense - facing the truth - 

"I have to talk to Raito. I'll... I'll call him. Now. I'll call his mobile. I'll tell him I'm here on my own... say you creeped me out with the stuff you told me so I went back to my sister's. I can ask him about all... all the things you've mentioned. I just won't... I just won't say that you're here too."

Not yet, anyway. Perhaps, when... or maybe, maybe she can say that she and Mochi went to a love hotel back in Tokyo, that they've become _close_ , that Misa feels so _guilty_ but she was so unsure... Make Raito see, at least, that Misa isn't so predictable. Has feelings too. 

"Will you go back to him?" Mogi says, quietly.

Misa makes herself shrug. She wants to say _I don't know, it depends what he says;_ or _of course I will, I love him;_ but she thinks that if she talks too much about this she'll start crying. She doesn't know why. This - she will talk to Raito and she'll explain and he will cuddle her and be kind just like Mochi is because he won't want to lose her - 

She nearly backs out - she nearly says _no, it's a bad plan, let's just stay hiding._ But she's not a coward. She's not, and she trusts Raito to love her. She has to - to give him a chance to prove it.

She scrambles out of bed, starts looking for her clothes. Mogi just sits there for a moment, staring at her as if he doesn't know what she's doing, but eventually he starts following suit. 

She feels like she's dressed way too quickly. She feels untidy, like her clothes are on inside out. Her hair's a mess, too, but that probably doesn't matter. She stands still, kicks her heels against the wall, as Mogi finishes putting his clothes on. When he's done he looks over at her and their eyes meet.

"If he asks you if you're with me, or where I am, you'll lie?" he says at last.

She nods. She doesn't want to get Mochi caught, after all. This is about her and Raito, no one else.

Mogi is still looking wary. All at once Misa doesn't want to be talked out of this. She's made up her mind, right? She's going to resolve all this. She - 

And if Raito _does_ \- 

"I promise," she says. "I... I like you too, Mochi." She wants to add to that, give him something to feel happy about, say that if she'd never met Raito, then... 

But she _has_ , and she loves him, and she needs him, and she will miss this, but - but she will get all she needs from Raito now, really...

"I should get out of here while it's still dark," he says. "There's a payphone in the foyer. If you come and find me afterwards, then..."

"Sure. You'll go back along the side of the motorway, right? Through the woods? I'll follow."

"Be careful."

"Misa is _always_ careful." 

They don't hug or kiss as he heads out of the room. She waits until she figures he's got far enough away to be safe, and then she takes a deep breath and walks downstairs herself.

There isn't anyone about in the hotel lobby, but there is the payphone in the corner. Misa feeds it the change she can dredge up from her purse and then stands trying to touch as little of anything in the room as possible. Her shoes stick slightly to the carpet, and her breath hot on her face from the phone's receiver seems to be full of the breath of everyone else who's used it to say horrible things. This shouldn't be the setting for her reunion with Raito. She should, like, be in a nice room in all pinks and whites and greens, maybe with a chandelier. And lots of windows and it being a fresh sunny day, and polite staff asking her if there was anything else she wanted. That would make her feel like she was doing the right thing, returning to real life. As it is she feels like _this_ is the affair, standing in a grimy hallway making a secret call from a love hotel - 

She has always memorised Raito's mobile numbers - for some reason, probably because she thought it was a cute girlfriend thing to do - and so she can stab it out now, hoping she's remembering right, hoping it will be him who picks up. What if it's Kiyomi? Well, Misa can just say _I thought Raito might be worried._ And, all ice cold, _if you speak to him, please tell him I'm staying with my family, okay?_

What if nobody picks up? That's okay too, Misa can just leave a voicemail and then she can go and find Mochi and - and okay, she won't have talked to Raito, but all at once she doesn't want to, she's scared enough to feel sick, what if he just says - 

"Yagami speaking."

Misa almost can't speak - the shock of his real voice in her ear, that he's not just someone living in her head - but if she doesn't get up the courage to talk then she might just slam the phone down and run, so she swallows and makes herself squeal, "Raito! It's Misa-Misa!"

"Where are you?" he snaps - and it is a snap. Misa tries to remind herself that she did just run off without telling him anything. He's worried about her. Sudden tears sting her eyes, but she swallows again and chirps, "I'm so sorry! Mochi showed up and told me you were hurt and I should run away. He totally freaked me out, so -"

"I don't have time for this," Raito says. " _Tell me where you are._ "

The rage flares up without Misa having any say in it and before she can think she's replied, "Oh? Busy with Kiyomi?"

Silence for a moment.

"It's none of your business what I do professionally," Raito says at last, but his voice is cold and hard with fury as if she's really struck a nerve. She thought she _wanted_ to strike a nerve but she doesn't, she knows that now. She forgot how much Raito will fight to stop anyone seeing him vulnerable. If she hurts him, he'll hurt her back just to prove he doesn't care. "I had to meet with Takada. I was trying to catch a serial killer, in case you've forgotten. Now stop wasting my time and tell me where you are and who you're with. _Now._ "

Misa hears herself laugh scornfully. "Oh, come on. Misa knows who you really are." She wasn't going to come out with that. Not right away. But she doesn't know what else she's meant to say. 

She wanted to hurt Raito. She wanted to knock him off-balance. But there's a smile in his voice as he says, "So... Mogi's with you, then? The two of you have obviously been talking."

She's back on track now. "Why would Mochi be with me? What I was going to say was, he showed up at the Teito Hotel and told me... told me lots of stuff. I didn't know what to think, okay? He said you..." Her voice is trembling for real now, so she carries on, "I wanted to get some time on my own. I went back to my sister's. Then... then I saw the thing on the news and I figured maybe we should... talk."

"What did he tell you?" 

"That you're..." There's no one in the foyer, but she doesn't want to spell it out. "You know. That you and Kiyomi are looking for Mochi and the others because they stole something of yours. And... and you don't love me." Saying it doesn't make her feel much better. It's like wrenching something out. "So... so I wanted time to think."

"And have you _thought?_ " Raito says, and his voice is actually nasty now. Misa wishes they were speaking face to face so she could see how much all this was really bothering him. Down the phone he just sounds bored. Irritated with her and with all of it. "Why exactly are you calling? It clearly wasn't to be of any use. Tell me again, do you have any idea where Mogi is?"

"No!" she snaps back. "And who cares about him anyway? Weren't you even listening? I... Raito, look, I..." _I keep thinking maybe you never loved me. And please - I need_ \- it's the contempt in his voice that makes this really awful, like he isn't even upset, he's just bored - 

"If you're not going to help me, then you may as well save the money and hang up." His voice is softer now. "I'm almost positive that you and Mogi did leave Tokyo together. Why else would you have gone all the way up to Kansai?" Misa bites her lip, stares at the grubby LCD on the phone showing how much time there is left. She focuses on tucking the phone under her chin, reaching for her purse, scrounging up another couple of coins. Raito is carrying on, "You could have just stayed in Tokyo. Moved to another hotel, perhaps. He convinced you to run away because he told you that I was dangerous. But what I don't understand is why you believed him."

"Didn't... I didn't say -"

"Then why aren't you telling me the truth?" Raito says, and he's so calm now, it's as if Misa's the one who's been losing her temper all along. "If you'd decided to throw your lot in with him, you wouldn't be calling me now. Or if you did, it would only be to reassure me. You wouldn't be asking to talk. Did he make you promise? I don't see why that would stop you. Not if you really wanted to help me.

"Or is there something else you don't want to tell me?"

He knows. Or he's guessing that he knows, at least. This - he was supposed to be knocked off-balance - he was supposed to hurt -

"I'll forgive you," Raito whispers. "I always forgive those who love me. And I know you love me, Misa. I know you haven't been lying all this time. Mogi was only using you to stay hidden. He's desperate. He's already dead and he knows it."

_Please let me still love you._

It won't be any different from how it is now. It will be her following Raito around, waiting for him to get home, watching TV on her own, flirting with other guys just to remind herself she still exists, that she hasn't actually become invisible. She wants to be angry. She wants to scream and stamp her foot and tell him that she doesn't need him. But - and this is the awful part - he will call her bluff. Because he doesn't need her. Not any more. 

He only needs people who are going to be useful to him.

She is crying properly now, resting her forehead against the phone, the smell of metal and plastic in her throat. Not this. Please not this. Not seeing it all, not knowing - she's wrong, she has to be - she's always been stupid - 

She wishes, suddenly, that Mogi had decided to throw caution to the winds and come and find her. She could sob into his shirt front and she could scream at him that this was all his fault, he told her all that stuff about Raito and everything was spoilt. And then she'd kiss him and let him touch her and she could hold back the truth, just a bit longer - 

It _can't_ be true - it can't - 

A series of bleeps in her ear, and then the dial tone. Her money's run out. She doesn't bother looking for more, she knows there isn't any. Just puts the phone back on the hook. Okay. Okay, so... so she... Mochi's okay, and Raito's okay, and she... and she... Perhaps if she just threw herself in front of a car, or went back upstairs and climbed out of the window, perhaps _that_ would... 

_No, don't be so stupid, he'll love you if you help him, there's nothing wrong with that..._

Of course not. But it won't be the same now. All this has taken the shine off it. She can _see_ herself begging for affection. And she can definitely see herself knowing what she's missing. Just someone to curl up on the sofa with. Someone who would be nervous around her sometimes in case she stopped liking him. Someone she could hurt as much as he could hurt her -

The phone is ringing.

Misa stares at it and wonders if she's dreaming or going mad at last before she sees that the number on the screen is Raito's. Shakily, she reaches out, picks up. 

"Hello?"

Her voice is thick and raspy. 

"Is it loyalty to him?" Raito says, his voice warm and kind and pitying. "Are you worried he'll be angry if you tell?"

"Please," she whispers, " _please,_ Raito..." _Please love me. Please don't make it be true how it looks. Please..._

"He's angry with you already," Raito says. "He just doesn't know it."

Misa shakes her head. Mochi hardly ever gets mad with anyone. And it's Raito he's angry at - he doesn't like her still feeling like she does but he's not _angry_ \- 

"You were the Second Kira," Raito says. 

The words come out of nowhere, meaning nothing. Like voices which only mean something in a dream. 

"When you give up the weapon - which you did, to help me - you lose all memory of ever having had it. Ryuzaki was right about me, and he was right about you too. How do you think Mogi will feel about you if that comes out? I doubt he'll still be interested in pursuing any romantic attachment. You killed his colleague, after all."

Say something. She has to speak, she can't just sit here - Raito wouldn't make up such a stupid lie -

Of course. Of _course,_ all those things she can't remember about him - all those times Mochi talked about it _not being appropriate_ \- there was always something else - 

"It's your choice," says Raito. "You can stay with him. He'll be found. I'll know that when it came to it, you chose him rather than me. He'll find out who you really are, he'll reject you, and then he'll die. Or you can tell me where you are, and who you're with. I'll come and find you. And you can help me build a new world, just like you always wanted."

And behind that, Misa fills in the blanks herself: _maybe, if you pick me, I'll love you. Maybe I'll love you back as much you always wanted._

They both know there's no chance she'll turn that hope down. It's not like she can find it anywhere else. Not now. 

It's almost peaceful, giving up like this.

"I'm... I'm in a love hotel," she says. "He's not with me. He's following the road, nearby."

**Author's Note:**

> The details of Gevanni's family backstory were thought up by still_lycoris and I have borrowed them.


End file.
